Chapter 1 : Emily
My name is Emily Benson, I'm 18 years old and no matter what my family might tell you. I'm not a moron. I just...I'm gonna be quoting what a resident at a nursing home complimented about me, "You have an imagination the size of the moon!"
And I have to agree with her, I mean, I knit, I draw, I write, I read, and my inspiration comes from movies and music. One book I remember reading was...oh God, I can't remember the name, but it had these fuzzy monsters and this kid in these pajamas that I asked my mom over and over to buy for me. And the monster I loved the most was the stripes one with the diamonds on his legs and the cat tail. I was once told his name was Moishe, but when I was little, I had my own name for him...it's silly, please don't laugh -Carol.
From then on, he was my imaginary friend, we ran through our 10 acre land in the yard and in the woods. When I was sad, he'd be there to cheer me up, when I was angry he'd make me laugh and when I was scared, he'd comfort me. A lot of times, however, in my dreams, I'd be on this small white boat sailing up to this island and I'd feel like there was something...or someONE waiting for me there.
I will admit it...I'm in special education, I'm ADHD, I have an EI (or emotional impairment, meaning I don't usually think like I'm my age) and I also have been diagnosed with organic brain syndrome. It's frustrating being like this because...no one takes you seriously! I mean, with my family, every time I have an opinion, and I say it, they look at me like I don't have any pants on. I have two younger siblings named Erin and William, Erin is one of the smartest people I know... I mean put us in a crowded room and she looks like an Einsteinette...I however, look like that loser fat kid that gets picked last on the little league. My brother, William, or Will, he's got problems as well, he's been diagnosed with everything from aspergers to bipolar to ADHD. And his condition is not kind to me or my mother especially, he cuts us down on a daily basis, me especially. Calling me worthless, pig, lard-o, ma-dah, piece of crap etc. etc. It's pretty much like jail rape...the first time, all you can do is lay on the floor, cry scream and hope for it to be over but by the tenth time, you just lay there, waiting for it to be over.
Here's another thing I'll admit...I'm adopted. I was adopted when I was 4, and I still have some bad memories from that time. I was molested by my birth mother's boyfriend Mike, who I hate with every fiber in my body. He did that, beat me with a cutting board, and one time, duct taped my hands, feet and mouth together and shoved me under the bed for hours. I can still remember the musty smell of the dust and how I was crying and trying to call for help, but no body came, because no one could hear me and Mike was the only one in the house. Now my birth mother, Dee...I want to go Salem Witch Trials on her! She tried to abort me when she got pregnant with me! She didn't even go to a specialist either! She tried to abort me herself with cocaine! A lot of you are probably thinking I'm over reacting, but you don't know what that feels like, that you're own mother tried to kill you, that she didn't even want you in the first place! By the time I was born...she was addicted. I want to tie her to a post and burn her alive, or crush her under rocks until...well, you know, but I can't. One, I'd go to jail and two she's re married with another daughter and I couldn't deal with that on my conscience, that a child is going through life without a mother because of me. But, on the upside, I still get to see my fun, eccentric grandmother Maggie. She's taken me on an Alaskan cruise, Houghton Lake, Dayton Ohio to see Lion King on Broadway, and when I graduate, she's taking me to Boston, Salem and The Lizzie Bordon house. My mom tells me to be cautious...because she might want to try and get me and Dee back together. I have been wary, I mean, she has talked about Dee and Katie around me, Katie is the girl's name. I told Gramma and I made it very clear that I'm fine with seeing Katie, but, not Dee. And she said, "You can't have one and not the other right now."
And so far, she has respected my wishes, but my adopted mom, that's a different story. We get into these heated debates about my birth family and how I don't know this and I don't know that and yadda yadda yadda. But I know she's looking out for me a my interests though she seems like she just doesn't care about what I want in life. And a lot of times, she's just plain rude to me, she'll comment on my weight when I ask to go on the computer or when I'm reading, writing, watching TV, playing on the Wii, drawing, and just minding my own business and I'll hear, "Can you do anything useful?"
I can't tell you how much that stings, when your doing something that someone prided you for and they ask you that,I feel like I'm being stabbed in the back! Now, don't get me wrong, I'm a very easy person to get along with. I'm naturally bubbly and giggly and I like Blue Collar Comedy jokes and I love to tell them to make people smile, laugh, and make someone's day. Trust me, spend an hour with me...you will not be bored.
Though with my quirks, it comes with a price, I'm dangerously single, I don't have any close friends, I mean, the last time I was invited to go shopping, I came back looking like a slut. Hardly any phone calls to invite me to hang out, I went to prom and my date told me that he liked me and I really liked him already. I told him that and we've seldom spoken since and I still have the same feelings now. Even at 18 I still run to Carol for help, I've been to a lot of therapists asking me about Carol and telling me to let him go...I pretend to have let him go, but when no one's around, I talk to him. And on those days at night, I step onto the island and see him in person and I see he's not the only one on the island, there's a white rooster who is the peacekeeper and very kind and wise, this is Douglas, there's a goat who's around my height his name is Alexander and if he were human, he could easily be my age and he basically wants attention and I'm the only one there who acknowledges him. And I actually feel nervous around him. In a good way not a bad way. Then there's Ira, he's got an aura of bad posture, grey fur, and a huge Pinnochio long nose that's a little distracting. There's also Daniel who's' literally a giant bull with human feet, he doesn't say much but there's a sort of silent communication between us. Then there's the girls, first there's Judith...Ira's wife who's' brutally honest and sometimes harsh. And finally my favorite out of the two, KW...she's the sweetest one out of all of them, she's gentle and open hearted and sees the best in everyone. KW is Carol's wife and I can easily see why he fell for her. I talk to them, play with them, sing to them, ask for advice-all in one dream and before I have to wake up they send me back in the boat. I hug them all goodbye, Carol kisses my head and places me in the boat and says softly, "I'll eat you up I love you so." Then off I would go, happy tears filling my face as they disappeared in the distance and I would wake up.
I've always been curious if this place ever existed because this has been my childhood. And when I leave in the boat, looking back at their faces, there is only love and affection in their expressions. The strongest is Carol's, I can tell he cares about what I have to say, he wouldn't do or say anything to purposely harm me and my feelings reflect his. I want to come so bad, but, that's the problem with dreams...in your dreams you know instinctively what to do, and where to go.
But in the real world, you can't remember, no matter how hard you try.