Greetings!
This is an idea I've had bouncing about in my head lately, and I needed to get it out. I know there might be dozens of fics in this fandom similar to this, but I just wanted to write this one for fun so I could get the idea out of my head. For those who are currently reading my LotR fanfiction, I will not be abandoning it (I promise)
I just need to clarify one thing right away- this story is a solid T for themes of depression and suicidal thoughts. This fic will be quite dark in the first initial chapters, and will be very AU, but I hope you all will stick with it until we get to the conclusion, for there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
Now that we've got that out of the way, on to the tale of redemption! (The title is inspired by A Tale of Two Cities)
I don't own Chronicles of Narnia
Chapter One
"All get what they want; they do not always like it."
C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
I slammed the door to my bedroom, not bothering on the light switch before crashing down onto my bed. Grabbing the ratty blanket folded at my feet, I wrapped my body within its warmth, kicking the worn sneakers and holed socks off of my feet and nudging them to the floor. A sigh escaped my lips as the shoes created a low thud when they made contact with the ground, and I rolled over to one side, staring in the direction of my nightstand while I allowed my eyes to adjust to the darkness.
Tonight, I will sleep in peace at last.
I had planned this night for the past month, orchestrating and preparing myself both physically and mentally for what I was going to achieve. What I did tonight was of my own choice. Nothing and no one had made this decision for me but myself, and I was entirely and irrevocably certain that what I was doing was the right thing- both for myself, and the rest of the earth. Reaching down into the drawer of the small table beside my bed, I pulled out several sheets of paper, and heard the rustling of crinkled documents. It was too dark in my bedroom to read the words scribbled across the pages, but I knew their intention and purpose, for I had carefully chosen each word to express my emotions for what I was to do this night. My step-father would find these documents beside my cold corpse tomorrow morning, and he would be in such a drunken stupor that he wouldn't even care that the daughter whom he had abused had taken her life into her own hands. It would merely mean that he had one less mouth to feed, for that was all I truly was. An inoperable obligation.
In the nearly nonexistent light, my eyes caught a glimpse of the parallel lines running up and down my forearm, branding me with the secret I had so struggled to keep over the past several months. Living in one of the hottest climates in North America had posed a major problem when it came to hiding my scars, but because of the lack of people close to me in my life, I managed to conceal the self-induced marks better than any other person would. As far as I knew, there wasn't a single soul on the earth who knew, or cared that I was a self-harmer, and that fact gave me a slight amount of relief.
The choice to inflict pain on myself had been made four months ago, after I had lost the only friend I had ever known to a severe car accident. Jessica was the person who built me up when I was at my lowest. She was my confidant, and the only individual who accepted my personality, strange quirks, and eccentricities, as well as my physical deformities.
When I was born, one of my legs had been twisted in an awkward direction, and as it turned out, the bones in the limb were out of whack, contorted so that my right leg was turned inward. Growing up, I had trouble walking and small amounts of strength in my limbs, and thus had never been able to play sports or dance as other children my age did. Throughout the entirety of my nearly-seventeen years, I was labeled a freak of nature- someone who could never amount to anything. The only people who ever saw past my disability were my childhood friend, Jessica, and my late mother, who passed away when I was twelve. Since her demise, my step father had taken to drinking constantly, barely supporting me. He was constantly struggling to pay bills for the two of us, and everything I owned was old, smelling like cigarettes and cheap beer, as did the rest of our apartment. Because of my disability, I couldn't work or provide for us, and therefore I could only sit at home alone when I wasn't in school- save for the rare occasions that Jessica would come by to cheer me up.
After the only friend I'd ever known passed away, I locked myself indoors, using pencil sharpener blades across my skin to distract my mind from the turmoil going on outside and inside my head. Tonight, the night before my seventeenth birthday, marked the four month anniversary since Jessica's passing. I knew in my heart that I couldn't live the rest of my life in this way- a freak who used pain as her only outlet. It was true that I had tried other methods which I looked up online- art, reading, even exercise. But nothing quenched the pain temporarily as well as self-harm, and I knew that I needed something to stop me. I didn't want to discontinue living- well, perhaps in a way I did. My ultimate desire was to cease the incessant pain in my mind. And I knew there was only one way to do that.
Tonight, I will sleep in peace at last.
Pulling out a bottle of painkillers which I had picked up at the corner drugstore, I twisted the cap open and felt the circular shapes of pills fall across my palm. I didn't bother to count them- for all I knew, there could be dozens.
I will be of better used to the world when I am no longer in it.
Something in the back of my mind pricked me, attempting to surface an old memory from my childhood- a reminder of happier times. Immediately, I shoved it as far away from my consciousness as possible. The times in my youth were long gone, and there was no longer any light or joy in my life. Only darkness and depression.
But that won't be the case now. It will be as though I never existed.
The pills slid down my throat, one by one. I didn't count them with each swig of the water bottle I took, but after several moments, my heartbeat slowed.
Please forgive me, mom, dad, and Jessica. God, if you're out there, I'm sorry for doing this. I hope you'll absolve me.
Those were my final thoughts before my world faded to darkness.
A diffused light filtered through my eyelids, accompanied by a sweet smelling breeze. Something soft lay beneath my body, and after several moments, my fingertips recognized the gently pointing blades to be grass under my skin.
Am I in heaven?
Forcing my eyes open, I glimpsed a canopy of trees above my head, the leaves rustling gently in the wind. Their boughs were a deep emerald green, bolder and clearer than anything I had ever witnessed back home. Through the branches, a brilliant azure sky was peppered with fluffy white clouds, reminding me of the cotton candy I had indulged myself in as a child.
Free at last.
Sitting upwards, I heard something crunch beside me, and stared at my left hand. The bottle of pills sat in my palm, now half full, and the cap tightly shut. I was still dressed in the soft black yoga pants and black Captain America t-shirt I had been wearing when I… fell asleep. To make matters worse, my right foot was bent inwards, as it had remained my entire life. Red scars still peppered my bare arms, which I clutched close to my waist, breathing in hard.
"This isn't supposed to happen," I whispered aloud to no one in particular. "I thought I was supposed to be standing in front of a big golden gate, in a white robe!"
"That is because you have not yet passed, young one."
A jolt coursed through my body, and I bolted upwards onto my feet, pocketing the bottle of medicine before whirling around in each direction.
"Who's there?" I questioned the silent forest around me, fear digging its icy claws into my gut. "Come out, so I can see you!"
A warm breeze played with my hair from behind me, and I spun to face it, arms outstretched to keep my balance. Pain shot up my gimpy leg as I tried to twist it outwards, but to no avail. Stumbling backwards, I was met with a pair of large, golden eyes, and it was in that moment that I tumbled flat on to my bum.
The figure standing over me was a lion- a humungous, magnificent lion, like the one at the beginning of the MGM films that terrified me as a child. His mane was long and full, the color of chocolate and caramel swirled together, perfectly blending in with his tawny coat. For the initial five seconds of perceiving him, my mouth had fallen open into a perfect O shape, as I gawked and took in as much detail that I could of his majestic appearance.
When those five seconds had elapsed, I promptly scrambled backwards as hastily as I possibly could, instinct driving my movements. Unfortunately, I had vastly miscalculated my decision, and my body stopped hard at the base of a gnarled tree, the roots digging into my lower spine.
"It will do you no good to be frightened, little one," the voice verbalized yet again, and I realized in that moment that the jaw of the lion was moving in accordance with the cadence of the words.
"Are- are you… talking to me?" I queried, momentarily distracted from the fear lodged in my chest. Now I know that I'm dead.
"Yes, the voice you hear is from me," the lion replied, his deep eyes softening.
"How is that possible?" I gripped the bark of the tree with my hands, slowly pulling myself upward from behind. "I mean, you're a lion! You shouldn't be speaking at all!"
"If I was not real, then you would not be standing before me," he countered, sitting back onto his haunches.
"Hold up- what do you mean by that?"
"You have been saved from a most untimely death, Daughter of Eve."
His words hit me hard, and I avert my gaze from those piercing golden eyes. "You mean I'm not… dead?"
"No, dear one," his voice is gentle and kind. "The choice you made in your world caused you to be brought to this one. You are not dead in the slightest. In contrast, you have been recalled to life."
I have no idea how to accept this news, so I just stand there in silence.
My plan didn't work. I haven't been freed from my horrifying existence, which is what I wanted all along. I have to live with the guilt and shame that my sixteen years have brought upon me- continuing to be a freak of nature for the rest of my life. And it's all this lion's fault- whoever he is. My life is mine to take, not his.
Blood boils in the pit of my stomach. "You didn't let me die when I wanted to? You had to keep me in this damned body that I've been cursed to live in my entire life? It's my choice whether I want to live or die- not yours! How dare you think that you can take my life from me?"
He doesn't respond, and simply stares at me with those huge, golden eyes. For a second, I feel ashamed for my outburst, and for insulting him like that. Whoever he may be, he must be a being of great power, if he was truly the cause of me being here.
But then again, I could have misjudged my dosage, and the pills could simply be giving me some pretty odd dreams while I was in a comatose state.
With a loud huff, I clumsily strode past the great tawny lion, trudging through the forest in my bare feet.
"Where are you going?" his voice inquiries from behind me.
"This is all just an elaborate dream," I refute, not bothering to look back. "I'm going to walk around until my brain is so exhausted that it has to wake up."
The lion doesn't respond, and I'm left to limp through the soft grass, alone. I have no idea how long I amble aimlessly, or where I'm even going. I try not even allow my mind to consider the lion's words.
Recalled to life.
"It's just a dream," I tell myself aloud. This time, I don't hear a reply, and that satisfies me. However, after several more minutes of wandering, pain suddenly shoots up my gimpy leg, and I keel over, and would have face planted into a patch of gravel, had my hands not instinctively shot outwards, breaking my fall- and pebbles breaking into my flesh.
"Just great," I mumble, pulling myself to my rump with some difficulty. Being chubby and un-athletic has absolutely no perks, particularly with a screwed up leg to and a tendency to fall constantly. I place my crippled limb out to one side, and it is in that moment that I realize I have fallen into a coarsely paved road.
Despite my tumble and bloody palms, I can't help but bark out a short laugh. "So this dream world has roads now, eh? It just keeps getting more and more complex. Ah, well. I'll wake up soon enough."
I begin to pluck small stones out of my hand, before remembering the bottle of painkillers in my pocket. Although this is a dream, the stinging sure does feel real, and I figure that if I get imaginary pain pills into my dream, perhaps I'll be able to wake up faster.
Reaching down, I feel around my pant leg for the familiar cylinder shape, only to come up emptyhanded.
"Crap."
My hands pat around the surrounding grass, desperate to find that bottle of pills. For a moment, I forget that this is a dream entirely, and I feel real, actual dread creep into my stomach, propelling my hands earnestly around the forest floor.
"Come on, where did it go? My pockets aren't that shallow! It should be here somewhere. I know I-"
"Are you searching for this?"
I freeze in my tracks, fear crawling back into the pit of my stomach. The voice was different from that of the lion's- though still clearly male. This person sounded to be some sort of European, or at least, that was my guess considering the accented way he pronounced his words.
"Why yes, I was," my voice gains a sour tone of annoyance as I turn to face him. "Now if you'll excuse-"
The words fade on my tongue as I glimpse the figures standing before me, for if this was a dream, then those drugs must be incredibly powerful to conjure up something this lifelike in my mind. Standing above me are two men, one far younger than the other, though still quite close in appearance. Each have dark hair and eyes, with smooth olive skin and the guise of seasoned warriors. In their hands, they hold the reigns of tall, well-muscled steeds, each with medieval-type saddles, such as the type one would find at a stereotypical renaissance faire. Just as well, both men are clad in loose fitting garments, with high boots and swords strapped to their sides.
"You appear as though you have seen a ghost," the younger of the two men observed. He appeared to be around eighteen, and held out one hand to help me up. "Are you alright?"
No, and you're the result of those drugs in your hand.
"Yeah I'm fine," I lie, faking a smile before rising to my feet. "Now if you wouldn't mind giving me that bottle in your hand, I'll just be on my way, and you'll never have to see me again."
I reach for the container within his grasp, but he pulls it out of my reach, inspecting it closely. The older man beside him peers at it as well, curious as to what it may contain.
"And what is a young woman such as yourself doing inside the middle of the forest, wearing strange garb- without shoes, mind you- and carrying a peculiar bottle of small pebbles?" the young man's companion inquires of me. He is clean cut, with a goatee and flecks of gray in his hair- a type of man that would have been considerably handsome in his day.
His question, however, strikes me far harder than it should, and without warning, tears begin to prick at the corners of my eyes.
"Well isn't that the question of the day," I retort, shaking my head and blinking back tears. "I don't even know myself, honestly. I really just want to get home right now, and have everything go as I had intended it to."
I raise my gaze to make eye contact with the two men, only to see that their expressions have softened significantly. They share a knowing glance with each other, before a sympathetic smile tugs at the corner of the younger man's lips, and he places a hand on my shoulder.
"What is your name, young lady?" he requests, placing the bottle within my palm and folding my fingers around it.
"Mara Jacobsen," I manage to stutter out, struggling to contain my tears of uncertainty.
"Mara," the young man repeats, seeming to taste the word, before gesturing to the older man at his side. "Allow me to introduce Terdin, faithful steward and friend of mine for many years."
"Terdin," I incline my head to the older man. "And what do I call you, sir?" I inquire of the younger of the two.
"Me?" the man laughs. "You may call me Caspian the Tenth, King of Narnia. Though, for someone such as yourself, you may simply title me Caspian."
My eyes widen with alarm, and I hurriedly lower my head. "K-King?"
He chuckles. "You should not seem so surprised, little one. It is merely a title, not a weapon to frighten people."
I have no idea what to say, so I simply place my hands into my pockets, and try to keep my balance with a gimpy leg.
Terdin breaks the silence. "My lord, what are we to do with the human child? She cannot stay out here alone and unarmed."
"No, no she cannot," Caspian- King Caspian replies, before focusing his attention back to me. "My lady, would you allow the two of us to escort you back to the castle? I believe I know how you came to be in this forest, though you may not, and it would be my pleasure to help you on your way."
I raise my eyes to meet his. "You know what this is all about?" He doesn't even know what painkillers are. He's a figment of my imagination- I know it!
A smile plays on the King's lips. "I have an assumption. Come, if we are to make it to Cair Paravel by nightfall, we must make haste!" He mounts his horse with one easy stride, and holds out his arm to me.
"I- I don't think that's really necessary," I murmur quietly, backing away from the large black stallion.
It is in that moment he notices my pigeon-toed right leg. "Ah, so you need some assistance mounting. It is no issue."
Before I can protest, I feel my feet leave the ground, and I feel something hard and warm between my legs.
The young King laughs from his place in front of me on the horse, and then we are flying through the forest, greens and blues and browns blurring all around us. Instinctively, I wrap my arms around the man in front of me, burying my face into his back to keep the wind out of my eyes. The horse's gallop is bumpy and uncomfortable, and a large part of me almost cries out in protest, but I manage to keep my mouth shut.
Without warning, I remember the lion's words echoing in my mind, and a wave of remembrance crashes over me, filling my eyes with tears yet again.
"You have been saved from a most untimely death, Daughter of Eve."
Suddenly the bottle of pills seems to have gained several pounds in my pocket, and I can feel every contour of its cylindrical shape against my leg. A part of me wishes to throw it to the side as we ride by- to be rid of the burden of my past. However, the stronger part of my mind encourages me to keep it with me, just in case this place really isn't a dream, and I truly am living here.
The idea is preposterous, but with each step the horse takes below me, the world becomes more and more believable.
Some dream this must be, then.
A/N: Okay so it takes place after Prince Caspian, but before Voyage of the Dawn Treader- within that three-year gap.
Please review! I know I'm only doing this for my own pleasure, but I would still love to hear your opinions
~D.D.