"I'm already married…"

Chapter 1

a/n This is sort of a companion piece to my short "Figuring It Out". My friend Kate Wicker was reading it, and made this comment: "I was actually thinking they'd 'gotten married' in some weird Alien ritual, but Bones just never realized it, and Jim really took it to heart." And that's the basis for this story. And, no, you don't have to read the other story to get this one. It can stand alone. But they're sweeter/funnier together.

"I can't. I'm already married to Bones. He's the Chief Medical Officer on my ship."

Len had had enough. Yes, he and the idiot were together. And, yes, it was the perfect excuse to not be forced into marriage with the Parrelite councilor's daughter. But Jim had been saying that they were married for four years.

As soon as the welcoming committee was out of earshot, Bones grabbed the kid's arm and dragged him around .

"Jim, you need to quit lying every single time a local shows some goddamn interest."

"Whadya mean, Bones?"

"Sooner or later, they're gonna ask for proof that we're married. And you'll end up with an alien wife on some impossibly distant planet. Or did you never take a damn minute to think that far ahead?"

The captain looped an arm around the older man's waist. And his smiled was pure, smartass Jim. "We are married, Bones."

"Dammit, Jim! Be serious!"

"I am serious! I've even got the certificate to prove it."

Len rolled his eyes. "Fine, kid. Fake marriage papers are only gonna hold up so long, though."

"Bones, they're not fake."

Deciding the kid wouldn't back down and drop the bullshit, Len decided to leave the matter until later.

…

In the end, the mission was successfully completed with (for once) a distinct lack of violence or threats.

But it wasn't until the Captain and Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise retired to their quarters that Len brought up the marriage crap again.

"Look, Jim. I'm just worried. There are planets which I've studied where the air itself contains a gaseous form of truth serum. You can't keep relying on a lie to get you out of these sticky situations! Or one day it's going to come back and bite you in the ass. And probably me along with it."

Jim swung the door closed with his foot, pouting and pulling off his yellow captain's sweater. "Bonesy! I told you, it's not a lie. We really are married."

The serious tone of the younger man's voice finally pierced through Len's skepticism, as the doctor leaned against the back of their couch, arms folded. "Wait. What?"

Jim rolled his eyes and sauntered past Len, hips swaying, a mischievous glint in those bright blue irises. As he stepped into the bathroom, he called over his shoulder, "We're totally married, Bones. I even had the license framed."

Len still didn't quite believe what Jim was saying. But, as the shower came on, the doctor sat down on the end of the bed, eyes scanning the room.

Then he froze.

Slowly coming to his feet, Len walked gingerly forward, as if he were wounded. When he was standing before the paper, on display in a goldenwood frame that sat upright on Jim's desk, Len's mouth dropped open.

For two minutes, he stood, unmoving. Then, in a flash, he was across the room, slamming open the bathroom door and ripping away the shower curtain.

"JIM, WE'RE MARRIED!"

Amused, the soaking wet man chuckled, "Yup, we are."

Len was speechless, his mind exploding and shutting down all at once.

It wasn't until he realized Jim was tugging at his shirt and trying to pull the older man into the shower that he snapped out of it, slapping the kid's hands away.

Jim watched in puzzled alarm -and a great deal of personal joy- as Len's face went dark with suppressed fury. "When, exactly, did we get hitched, Jim?"

A casual shrug of his bare shoulders and a hint of the familiar, triumphant smile that he sported every time he pulled one over on his friend and lover. "You remember our first mission assignment, after the whole Narada thing?"

Several lines appeared between the brunette man's brows. "You mean that planet with all the orange flowers? The one where the shuttle of school kids got kidnapped by political extremists, and there was that huge drinking party after we got them back, that went on for days? And I spent the next goddamn week administering anti-hangover hypos to crew members? That mission assignment?"

"Yeah, that one." Jim smiled smugly, which made Len very suddenly aware of the captain's unclothed, dripping wet state.

Forcing down the blush he could feel rising, Len raised an eyebrow and did his best to look only at Jim's face. The kid was already too full of himself, no need to make it worse.

Reaching over, the blond momentarily switched off the water, grinning blindingly at his favorite grump. "Dunno if you noticed, old man, but you and I were the only ones sharing a cup. That, combine with the wreath thingies they stuck on our heads, the fact that we saved each other's lives by putting our own in danger, and that we drank a whole bottle of their Grimpor Shot liqueur together, was a legally binding marriage ceremony! The local headsman gave me the papers the next morning. Congratulated me and everything. Apparently, they think people with bad tempers are the best to marry, 'cause they'll be the most protective of their stuff. Which, apparently, includes their spouse."

Again, Len was left in shock, desperately trying to process. Then a few, specific facts filtered through, and the wrath came bursting back out.

"WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR FOUR YEARS AND YOU'RE ONLY TELLING ME NOW?"

…

Needless to say, the captain slept on the couch for about a week.