AN: So this idea has been in my head for quite a while and I figured 'screw it, might as well start sometime!' despite the fact that I have enough work to begin with. Expect a lot of hiatuses as this is my last year of school and I have four major works to finish by the end of the year.

Ha ha… Why do I do this to myself…

So here you have Team Skull's Redemption Road Trip!, a story that I have no idea where it came from and the barest idea of where it's going to go!

Ancient Things that Actually Work

Sometimes, when you hear something particularly ridiculous sounding, it takes a few moments to fully comprehend what had been said. This leaves you looking like an idiot as you try to work out if the speaker was actually serious when they said what they did.

Guzma was experiencing firsthand exactly what that felt like.

"A redemption ritual." He echoed dumbly. Really, he shouldn't have expected anything else from Kahuna Hala. Did he really think the old loon could help him at all? Time away from his old master really made him forget what he could be like.

Hala seemed to brighten at Guzma's disbelief, "Yes, a redemption ritual." He confirmed with a nod and Guzma felt his heart sink a little at the realisation that he was completely serious about his suggestion, "Legend says that it was invented by the founders of Melemele Island themselves and passed down through the ages by word of mouth."

"Just because something's old, doesn't mean it works, old man." Guzma responded without a trace of amusement, "Didn't people think drinking mercury made you immortal? That shit kills you. Kinda makes you wonder how nobody noticed that their little elixir of youth never worked."

Hala laughed as if he'd just told a hilarious joke, "Worry not, this actually does work." He didn't seem to notice Guzma rolling his eyes, "It's a tradition that's almost been forgotten, but I just remembered it only a few days ago. It's become almost a legend by now, but there are several records of it being undertaken over the past five hundred years."

Five hundred years? Well, now he could relax. Guzma bit back a snarky response as he watched Hala shift comfortably in his throne-like chair. He did want to become a better person. Years of yelling at people, breaking things and generally not being a very nice person didn't really make him feel all that good in the long run. On the other hand, he wasn't ready to start acting like some sort of hippie with 'healing rituals' or freaking 'cleansing rocks' or whatever the hell Hala was going to try and talk him into next.

"It's actually called the Trials of Rebirth." Hala added, not helping Guzma's train of thought at all.

"You need to think up a better name for that." Guzma couldn't help but tell him, "I can see why it's become nothin' but a legend. Nobody would want to have anything to do with a name like that." To be fair, he could hardly think up anything better. His mother had gone through a brief hippie phase in his childhood; dream catchers and all. She'd spent almost a year going on about positive and negative energies and whatnot. It had not been a pleasant time.

"If you want to give it a different name, be my guest." Hala told him, "But I highly recommend you take this journey, it would be a fulfilling experience for you."

It took all of Guzma's self-control to not roll his eyes again. The 'Trials of Rebirth' sounded more like the name of a kung fu movie than a legitimate ritual. He was just opening his mouth to give a sour remark in response to Hala's idea of a 'fulfilling experience' when something hit him. "Hang on, you said 'you', not 'us'. Twice. That wasn't a mistake. You tryin' to get rid of me already?"

"Actually, the Trials of Rebirth-"

"Please stop calling it that."

"- has several requirements for the participants."

"Oh really now?"

"Yes, really now." If Hala had picked up on the blatant sarcasm in Guzma's voice, he didn't say anything, "You might not like it, but this ancient ritual has some rather strict rules that must be followed. And the very first rule is that the Trials of Rebirth must be undertaken by exactly four individuals, and all must be taking the challenge in order to redeem themselves."

Guzma frowned, not entirely convinced by his old master's words. It all sounded a little too perfect; a redemption trial for him that Hala apparently wasn't allowed to take part in. "This is a real thing, right? You're not just making this up so you don't have to go with me, yeah?"

"Now why would I do that?" Hala sounded genuinely surprised at that.

"Because the only reason why anybody would wanna spend time with me is if they're forced to as part of some 'ancient quest ritual thing' shit." His gaze flickered to the floor and he felt his nails digging into his palms as he clenched his fists. The old man had better not have given up on him already; not when he'd just made up his mind to turn his life around.

"Guzma." Hala's voice suddenly took on a softer tone and Guzma forced himself to look the old kahuna in the face. "Don't swear."

Guzma scowled, "Seriously?"

"And don't put yourself down like that."

"I do what I want." Guzma snapped. He was about to add something about being the big bad boss of Team Skull when he remembered he didn't even have that anymore.

"Does that mean you'll agree to do the Trials of Rebirth?" Damn, that man was eager to get him out the door. Either he was absolutely certain that the thing would work or he'd already run out of options. Guzma had a feeling that nowhere would accept him for community service and Hala seemed to be against sending him to prison.

All he could really say was that the last thing he wanted was to wind up in jail. Again. Maybe these stupid trials could actually help him in some way. Guzma sighed, he was really going to give the hippie bogus a go. What was wrong with him?

"Okay old man, tell me more."

Guzma was in a bad mood.

Of course, that wasn't saying much. Plumeria was used to seeing her little brother in varying degrees of grumpy. Her time acquainted with him had taught her about anger in all shapes and forms. Irritation, frustration, full-on blind rage, annoyance…

"I should have never asked him about it, who did I think I was?" He was only partially talking to Plumeria. She had seated herself on her bed, computer on her lap as she surfed the internet with one hand and scratched her crobat under her chin with her other hand, pretending to be only slightly paying attention to him. "I ain't some freak who believes some kinda magic is gonna solve all my problems. I'm Guzma! I solve my problems myself!"

Plumeria was tempted to add 'Really? And how has that been working out for you?' but decided against it. Guzma was (sort of) trying his best to change his ways. Unfortunately, old habits die hard. He'd been an angry, merciless gang leader for years; there were plenty of things about him that weren't going to go away anytime soon. His stubbornness and bad attitude where only two of such things that Plumeria could list off the top of her head.

"And Hala expects me to find three other freaks like me who'll actually agree to go on this freaking road trip with me. Who the hell would want to stay near me for that long?" He looked as if he wanted to throw something, but Plumeria knew that he wouldn't dare. The moment they'd rented the apartment that they now shared, she'd made something abundantly clear: If he lost his temper and got them kicked out, she would personally set her salazzle on him. And he knew from experience that she was a woman who kept her word.

"There are plenty of people who used to work in Team Skull who'd be happy to hang out with you." Plumeria pointed out without looking up from her laptop screen. It wasn't because she was trying to be inconsiderate, but she'd just found a really well written zombie AU fanfiction with lots of guts and gore to top it off.

She heard Guzma snort, "Yeah right, as if. They're all scared of me, none would wanna come along. And even if they did, it'll be because they'd feel like I forced them." He sighed and flopped down onto his own bed, "The last thing I wanna do is get Hala to choose. He'll probably go to some high security prison and find the worst criminals there to come with. Then he'll go 'Here, these guys need some redeeming, too! Try not to let them MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!' And I ain't lettin' that happen."

Plumeria rolled her eyes; Guzma really did tend to get rather dramatic at times. "How about I find you a grunt who wants redemption, isn't completely scared of you so they won't feel pressured into going, and won't try and kill you in your sleep? I think I know a few."

"Seriously?"

"We can even hold interviews if you want."

"No, don't do that for the love of-" he broke off and she saw him frown out of the corner of her eye, "You're not really gonna do that, are you?"

"What do you think?"

"Very funny, Plumes."

"So are you really going to do this?"

There was a pause as Guzma thought over her question, "I guess. Maybe. Hala probably wants me to but I dunno. I mean, I get that he's trying to help me out and all, but I really don't see what some ancient trial is gonna do. It's not gonna make me a good person and have everybody like me all of a sudden."

"It might look really good on your résumé." Plumeria said, half sarcastic. Of course, she knew that he would never put 'Finished the Trials of Rebirth' on his résumé, but a little rewording could work miracles.

"Ya think?" He groaned and rolled over, "But ok, yeah, I guess it won't hurt to give this a go. I mean, it sounds like bogus to me but if it makes the old man happy, I might as well. I'll just need to find some gullible idiots to come along with me and I'll be all set."

Plumeria nodded, a rather sick sense of excitement welling up inside her as one of the main characters in her zombie fanfiction was horribly killed off, "I know somebody who wouldn't say no to a redemption quest." She said, "I can guarantee that she'll be happy to come along. Then we'll just need to find one more and we'll be able to get this entire thing over and done with."

"Plumes, we need four people, not three. Weren't you-" Guzma broke off and a note of surprise was added to his voice, "Hang on – we?" He propped himself up on his elbows and stared at her, "Plumes, you really don't need to come."

Plumeria looked up from her laptop (rather reluctantly too; this was a splendidly written death scene) and returned his gaze, "I was your admin, I need to do some redeeming for myself. Plus, it sounds like fun."

His expression turned to a frown, "You're not doing this just because you feel sorry for me, right?" He demanded, "You actually want to go? You wanna hop across Alola, stuck with me and two other weirdos as we fill in some sorta ancient checklist to prove ourselves worthy of forgiveness or whatever?"

"Yes."

Guzma looked genuinely touched and Plumeria fought the urge to lean over and punch the idiot lightly on the shoulder. Did he really think she'd abandon one of her dumb brothers when he needed her? She voiced this thought aloud and Guzma threw his pillow at her, muttering about him not being 'that stupid' before promptly falling out of his bed only seconds later.

Plumeria ignored his curses as she turned back to her laptop. Within moments, she was fully immersed in the horrific post-apocalyptic story she had before her. Although she was still uncertain what the future held in store for them, she knew that a change of scenery would do Guzma some good. There were bound to be plenty of powerful trainers they could challenge and wipe the floor with and heaps of perfectly legal things to do like… Well, she would make a list later when her full attention wasn't on the main characters escaping from hordes of ravenous zombies. As long as nothing too unexpected happened, they should be fine.

Little did she know, the unexpected was just around the corner.

AN: … And that's the into. Please do tell me what you think, what you expect is going to happen, what you had for breakfast…

And in case any of you may have been wondering: this is a sort of crossover with PMD: Explorers. If you haven't played those games, don't worry! You don't really have to in order to understand what's going on.

So, you've got Grumpy Boy Guzma, Protective Big Sis Plumeria, an annoying OC and a skuntank all going on a road trip together. This is going to be fun…