"Perhaps if you sit him on the other side of your knee, you'll be able to reach the food better and Charlie won't be so grizzly." Mum raised an eyebrow at me from across the table. She was leafing through a book called "Motherhood today" and she scanned all the pages, not stopping to read what it said. Elli had recommended me the book but as soon as I had walked in with it tucked under my arm she had dived on it and we hadn't been able to pry the dog eared thing away from her since. I glared at her over the top of my glasses.

"Thanks Mum but I think I know how to feed my own baby by now." I said, my voice croaky and tired. Tired of being critisized and patronized and whatever- else- o- sized. She looked at me closely, I could almost see her mind racing through the words of all the baby books in the library. My library. Except it wasn't anymore.

"I've read about this." She exclaimed, her hands fluttering to her neck excitably. She always got excited when she had something new to tell us. It was a bit of a shame really because she was the only one that did. "It's only natural that you would get the baby blues sometime or other Mary. I can't remember ever having the slightest bit of post natal depression when you were little but then again you...Well, right now...You're in a...a different situation to myself." She struggled to find the right words and nodded once she had finished the sentence, as if she were pleased it was over and done with.

"You mean my husband left me and you managed to hold on to Dad?" I sighed, "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm not about to throw myself off the nearest cliff and I'm certainly not jealous of you."

"Mary!" Mum put her hands to her mouth, the colour slowly draining from her cheeks. Dad finally looked up from his book on mountain plants and looked across at me, as if noticing I was in the room for the first time. It was very strange to me, I was the one who it had happened to yet I was also the only person who could actually say it out loud. Everyone else talked in muffled whispers or tentatively didn't mention the subject in my presence. I stared down at Charlie and a hesitant smile creeped across my face. His big blue eyes were watery and pleading and there was orange baby food dribbling down his chin. He reminded me of his Dad and it made me smile. It shouldn't now but it still did. Before I could stop it a tear was running down my cheek.

Dad reached across and touched my hand. I looked up at him, he didn't say anything but his eyes were full of sympathy. I looked away to hide more tears. Whenever my Dad tried to comfort me it made me feel like crying harder. He'd been there too, he'd lost the only thing he ever really loved and when he looked at me like that it really got to me. I was reminded of my wedding day, when he sat at the end of my bed and told me how proud he was of me, how he was glad to be giving me away to someone I truly loved. I did love him too. Only...Now, it seems like he didn't love me back enough and it hurts, yes, it hurts so much.

"Oh love." Mum tried to put her arms around me but I pulled away. She didn't take the hint. "You must be feeling terrible and you have every right to. That pig running off with the tart from the supermarket. I always knew she was trouble. Right from..."

"Stop it!" I held my free hand up, "I don't want to hear it, Mum." She nodded slowly.

"Of course you don't. You need to lie down. Why don't you go upstairs? Charlie will be fine with me."

"No you're not taking him!" I picked up my son and held him tightly as I walked over to the pram in the corner. I settled him safely inside and brushed a few strands of hair from my face. "I'm going for a walk and I'm taking Charlie with me."

"Is that really such a good idea? I mean you might run into Karen and Jack and that's the last thing you need right now."

"For God's sake! I think the girl can make her own decisions! Stop fussing around her!" Dad glared angrily across at her and her face crumpled in pain. I was torn up with guilt. That was just the sort of thing that I had been longing to say to my Mother for a long time but now he had said it with such annoyance, I felt bad. Mum always tried to do her best, I saw her pain when her best wasn't quite good enough. She could never get Dad to smile or tempt him away from his books and I had never been the sort of daughter she wanted, the daughter who could keep her company and share girlie secrets with her like a best friend.

"Thanks for all your help but I really do need some fresh air so that I can get my head together." I muttered, pushing the pram towards the door. "I'll be back in an hour or two and we'll go shopping and then make dinner together."

"Yes, okay then." Mum brightened and wiped her hands on her apron. "I'll go and see Lillia until then. I do worry about her, you know. It can't be easy for her. Perhaps I'll take some of my cakes, they'll cheer her up, don't you think Basil?"

I left her to babble on and stepped out into the fresh summer sunshine. Charlie gurgled in delight as I pushed his pram over the cobbled path. He loved to be outside, he had inherited that from Jack. Jack was never happy unless he was out working the fields, he hardly ever came into the farmhouse during the day. Most days I'd take a blanket, some food and a good book and I'd picnic near the barn. Jack would look up from time to time and wave or he'd come over to chat, bringing one of his turnips or tomatoes for me to taste. This was in much happier times. In the time before everything had fallen apart. But at least I still had Charlie who never failed to bring a smile to my face.

"Mary!" Elli called, she had been standing in front of her house talking with Stu about something or other and hadn't noticed me at first. But now she was beaming and waving frantically at me as she rushed over. Elli and I had been good friends since the very first day we had moved to Mineral Village. We were very similar and something within us just clicked straightaway. I had told her all sorts of things that I had never spoken to a soul about before. Things about Mum and Dad which were supposed to be kept buried in the silences that filled our home and she had never betrayed my confidence. She was the one person I could truly trust and I liked to think she felt the same about me.

"Where are you off to?" She asked, tucking her arm into mine and making it clear that wherever I was going, she'd be going too. Of course I didn't mind, I enjoyed her company.

"I'm going for a stroll with this little mischief maker." I nodded at Charlie. "What have you been up to then? I went over to yours on Wednesday but Ellen said she hadn't a clue where you ahd got to and Stu said more or less the same."

Colour rushed to my pretty friend's cheeks and she squeezed my arm a little tighter, a content, secret little smile on her lips. "Oh I'm so sorry. I forgot about our plans to meet. Something else came up...Something quite unexpected!"

"What?" I was eager to hear all the news, interesting things were always happening to Elli.

"Well, the doctor turned up at my house that morning, clutching a bunch of wildflowers he had picked for me! He asked me if I would like to go for a walk with him in the mountains. He took me right to the top of Mother's hill oh and Mary, you'll never guess what happened next!" She paused sucking in her breath and holding my arm even tighter. "He gave me a blue feather!"

I squealed and hugged her tightly, Elli and the doctor had taken what seemed like forever to get to this point. They obviously had feelings for each other but had been too scared to admit it. I was so happy that things were coming good for her at last, she had waited so long to find real love and I could tell from the expression on her face and the way she was squealing louder than me that the wait had been worth it. "You did say yes, didn't you?"

"Of course!"

"Oh Elli I'm so happy for you! So, when's the wedding?"

"Two weeks time. Sunday the tenth of summer, isn't that just the perfect day?" We continued to walk, her pace a little quicker than normal in her excitement. "Of course I want you to be matron of honour. May's going to be bridesmaid and Stu will be pageboy. After the ceremony we're going to have a small party for all our close friends at home. Then we'll go back to the surgery. That's where we'll be living from now on, you see, there's plenty of room upstairs."

I smiled for her but it faded and then fizzled out all together. Something had gotten stuck in my head and I couldn't remove it no matter how hard I tried. I had been standing on the beach the day right after my birthday in winter, four years ago. It had been such a wonderful day. The sea breeze was perhaps a little chilly but there was no-one on there apart from myself and the feeling I had then was indescribable. Perhaps it was a little like the feeling Elli was experiencing now. I remember looking out at the endless blue of ocean and sky mixed together, their join hidden from view, and the thought crossing my mind that my future was as limitless. All my life I had waited to be loved and love in return. I pretended that it didn't bother me and the passionate words that people spoke in books failed to touch me. But deep within me I had been longing for that feeling I had the day on the beach. The day after my birthday when Jack had given me the greatest present of all and asked me to spend my future with him.

"I love you Mary." His words were intense and haunting in the library that night. "I've never felt like this before. From the moment I set eyes on you I knew we were going to end up married."

I knew that too. His words echoed the ones in my heart. And that day on the beach I clutched the blue feather within my pocket like a delicious secret and I felt like something out of one of my books or the silly romance series on televison. I finally knew what it felt like to be loved and to love back with a passion beyond words.

"Are you ok?" Elli leaned closer to have a good look at me. "Oh I'm sorry. You must be thinking of Jack."

"Don't be sorry. I shouldn't be doing this to you. It's your day you should enjoy your happiness. Not have me spoiling it for you."

"Now you're being silly. You have a right to be upset. Come here, let me give you a hug." We held each other tightly and I let a few tears escape on to the shoulder of her blue dress. I wished I could be stronger and not fall apart and every opportunity but I felt like something inside me had broken and I couldn't get it back again.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Mary? Do you want me to take Charlie off your hands for a few hours? I'd do anything to help you." I knew she was being genuine and I nodded my head.

"Elli that would be really great, thank you so much. I just need to get my head together and when I come back we'll talk about this wedding and I'll be your perfect girlie friend, I promise."

"You just be whoever you want to be. I'll love you just the same." She squeezed my hand then took the handle of the pram and cooed and pulled silly faces. She would make such a good Mum and the Doctor made a excellent choice when he decided to have her for his wife. We said our goodbyes and I headed up towards the mountains, grateful of the fresh air, shade and quiet.

The first time I met Karen was at the music festival. We had just bought the house and the library and were grabbing every chance we could to be accepted into the villiage. People around here are always wary of strangers to start off with so you have to go out of your way to get on their good side without being too over friendly, that's what my Mum says anyway. It's a hard to fit in between these things but Mum managed to do it expertly. She listened hard to Manna's gossip and chatter without complaining once. As soon as she heard about Lillia's health problems she got on to Dad who looked into it and found a certain herb that might help. Of course that led to Lillia's husband disappearing for the past few years in order to search for this rare herb but Mum was still accepted into Manna, Sasha and Lillia's little group. I suppose I should admire her for that but I don't. I would rather someone think me rude than be sickeningly nice to someone I hated. Mum despairs of me because of that, she began to think I would never make friends here if I carried on. Which is why she sugguested I start playing the organ at the church.

I had taken piano lessons in the city (purely on her orders, she had always wanted a daughter who could play the piano, she said it looked beautiful) for quite a while and as she saw it as my only talent, as soon as the vicar started going around asking if people were willing to take part in the music festival she put my name down. The other people who were going to be there were Elli, Jack, Ann and Karen. Mum thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to mix with others my own age. I didn't disagree because I didn't want to upset her but I was hardly looking forward to it. We were going to have two practice sessions before the main event and everyday that drew closer to our meeting at the church I grew nervouser. What if nobody talked to me? People always tended to ignore me when I had been at school and other places. Maybe it was because of my silence. One boy once asked me if I was born mute. Nobody understood I just like to watch people. Sometimes you can get more from watching people's actions than words will ever give you.

The day of the first practice rolled around and we all met at the church at seven. Jack was a little late because he had been working in the fields and lost track of the time. I remember when he stumbled in, hands still grimy and his dark hair tumbling from the cap he wore. He looked agitated, as if he was slightly angry about having to be there and would much rather be somewhere else. I suppose that instantly drew me to him. Along with the way his eyes glinted mischeiviously and the can't-be-bothered style in which he moved around.

I also noticed the way Karen acted when he came into the room. She stopped going through her vocals and almost dived over to him, her long blonde hair rippling like a golden ocean as she made her way down the aisle.

"Hey there Jack..." She said, fluttering her eyelids and clutching her hands behind her back. "I heard that you were going to be helping out. I'm going to be singing by the way." She spoke as if they were old friends. He didn't look at her properly and scratched his forehead uneasily.

"Oh right." He muttered which obviously infuriated her. The tops of her cheeks turned a little red. She was expecting a bigger reaction, I could tell.

Jack and Elli had already met by that point so when he spotted her his face loosened in relief and he made his way over to the organ where she was standing with me. "Hi Jack." She said shyly, "This is my friend Mary. She works in the library. Jack's taking over Mineral farm."

"Really?" I could feel myself colouring when he looked at me. It was like someone was squeezing at my insides and I had to look away. I didn't think it would be a good idea to let silence fall upon us however so I said the first thing that came into my head. "Farming must be hard work."

"It is I guess... But I find this sort of thing much harder." He admitted, laughing a little.

"Yes, me too, I wouldn't even be here but I didn't want to disappoint my Mum." To my surprise these things were flowing off my tongue with ease like something had possessed it.

He laughed. "Well, the mayor Thomas informed me it was part of my duty and when he..." He nodded at the vicar, "Came to call I found it hard to let down a man of the Goddess!"

"Oh yes! There's that too!" I giggled.

"So, the library, eh? Where's that then? I might call in, not that I've had much time for reading lately."

"There's always time for reading!" I was about to continue and give him directions to the library but over his shoulder I spotted Karen. She was glaring at me. Her eyes were like big green daggers with fire beneath them. It was like she was saying, "I'll get him." And when the vicar called us all together so that we could start she deliberately put her foot out so that I landed with a thud on the floor. She had unknowingly made it worse for herself however because Jack came running over to me.

"Are you okay?" He asked with concern, offering me his hand to help me up in his gentleman like way. I savoured the moment with my hand in his, enjoying their hard rough feel.

"I'm fine." I said hurriedly, colouring once again. "I must have slipped or something."

"At least only me and you spotted it." He whispered, smiling at everyone else apart from Karen who were inspecting their instruments. "Listen Mary, would you like to come to the bar with me after this? I don't really go there that often but there isn't really anywhere else I can think of to take you."

I felt like my head was about to spin out of control and the floor beneath me wasn't real. If I hadn't caught a hold of myself he would have had to help me up from the floor once again. "That would be really nice but why don't we go for a walk in the mountains? Mothers Hill is so beautiful at this time of night. Have you ever been?" I could hardly believe I said that and even now when I look back on that night my mouth has a funny sensation. Like it longs to run wild again!

"No. I usually go straight to bed after work. But I'd really like to... If you'll come with me?"

"Yes of course! I'll call in at my house first though, to let my Mum and Dad know I'll be late."

"Okay." We shared a smile and it was sweeter than any kiss.

Karen was still watching. Her movements getting more and more stiff and rigid. I had never seen a girl look so angry before and I suppose that should have warned me. That right there and then I should have known there was going to be trouble. Big trouble. And it was going to have her name written all over it. But I was too caught up in the feelings I was getting from Jack. From the way my stomach fluttered when our hands accidentally brushed to even care. I look back now and curse myself. You should have paid that girl attention, Mary, you should have brought up the issue with her, had a chat. Or waited until you and Jack knew each other better and said something to him about it then. Maybe if you had done that, the matter would have been addressed, resolved and put firmly into the past. But no, you kept that silence you're so known for. You told yourself she'd get over it and got on with your fantasies about Jack. You stupid, stupid girl.

The wiser, older girl was walking back from Mother's hill feeling refreshed. I had picked some flowers for Elli and Mum and stood by the river talking in my head to that past me that had walked straight past the danger signs. I felt better, slightly stronger, maybe that's what made me do it. Or maybe I'm just using that as an excuse and the truth is I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I stopped when I reached the bottom of the mountain. I don't know why I didn't carry on down the path towards Gotz's house. And I don't know why I left my bundle of flowers on the ground and walked straight into Mineral farm where I had once lived with Jack and Charlie.