A moment in California
Summary: Don't feed the birds.
He hated it here. Sure, Jimmy was alright, when he wasn't trying to be all parental. And Sasha was kind of okay too. And Lily was annoying, but mostly she kept out of his way, so she was alright, too.
But, he, Jess Mariano, hated it here in California.
He was on the boardwalk, stubbornly refusing to remove his leather jacket. There were a thousand other people around him and collectively they were wearing as much as he was. Summer was hot in California.
Jess sat down on a bench overlooking the beach and the millions of tourists and locals covering it. It might have been a nice view, but Jess was feeling rather pessimistic at the moment.
Suddenly a small pair of hands holding a packet of hot chips came into his vision. Lily was standing there, chips in hand, paperback in armpit.
"Mom says you have to eat something."
Jess merely frowned at the greasy fries.
"Take them," she insisted.
He made no motion to take them.
Huffing, she dumped them on his lap. "And don't feed the seagulls," she commanded before walking away with her nose in her book.
Jess wrinkled his nose as he stared at the paper parcel of chips. "Don't feed the seagulls," he repeated. Looking around, he noticed several beady eyes looking at him, daring him to throw one. He picked up a chip, and broke it in two. Just looking at it made him feel sick. It was so fatty and unhealthy, and he was already wearing far too much. He was going to die of heatstroke. He already felt like throwing up.
Jess tossed the chip beside a young couple (she was bikini-clad and he was merely wearing board shorts) busily making out… and making noises. Immediately, the beady eyes dove as a force, heading for the couple. They were disturbed from their session by the squawking, not noticing the chip or who had thrown it. The girl freaked out when she saw the birds heading straight for her. She jumped up and ran far from the beach.
Jess smirked. This could be fun.
His next target was an obese man wearing barely anything, sun-baking. Well, sun-burning, really. He was beginning to turn pink. Jess would be doing him a service, really. He aimed for his belly button, trying not to wake the man with the chip. Once more a cloud of birds shot towards the chip. The man was rudely awoken when webbed feet met sun-tortured flesh. He shot up, and Jess' smirk widened as he watched the now sand-covered man grab his towel and wave it at them. But he had to turn away as the man's flesh wobbling disturbed his senses.
Turning away led Jess to spot his next mark. A small girl with a pink sunhat and sunglasses in a bright pink bathing suit was sitting on a pink 'The Little Mermaid' towel using a pink bucket and spade to build a rather unremarkable sandcastle. There was so much pink concentrated in one area that he had to do it. This time Jess threw two. The birds headed straight toward the girl, squashing her unremarkable sandcastle and causing her to bawl. Her hat and sunglasses flew off her head as she ran toward her parents lying nearby. The couple turned to give Jess a dirty look, but he only shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't just thrown a chip or two.
Jess had already been able to clear a fair amount of the space around him. The suspicious people within three or four metres of him had all shifted slightly further away. This meant that Jess would have to work on throwing long distance to be able to maintain the same amusement level. He heard a loud pop and looked over. A happy looking couple sitting on a picnic blanket had just popped a bottle of champagne. They were toasting something. A champagne flute seemed like the perfect target on which to test his aim. Jess gently lobbed the chip and missed the woman's glass. Neither of them noticed the chip. Jess tried again, this time aiming for the man's glass. He missed again, but the seagulls attacked so he had no time for another shot. The man swore, while the woman ducked, covering her hair with her arms.
Half an hour later, Jess had managed to get rid of most of his chips, and half the beach around him. He definitely felt he had accomplished something. People nearby were giving him disgruntled looks, as though they knew he had been throwing chips, but not having enough evidence to approach him about it. He was immune to their disapproving looks, though. He merely lost his smirk and ate a chip, as though that was what he had been doing all along.
But, what goes around comes around, as they say. Deciding that he'd had enough of bothering the other beach-goers, he pulled his paperback from his back pocket and began to read. Unfortunately, the seagulls read this as a sign that he no longer wanted his chips. The swarm of friendly helpers turned against him, diving for his unattended pack of chips. Jess swore, realising he wouldn't be able to get them away until they were good and ready to leave.
He stood and headed back for the bookshop. It was air-conditioned in there at least. He would swear that there were people laughing at him. Well, he'd get them back next time.
Suddenly California wasn't looking so bad after all.
A/N: Thanks goes to whoever it was that told me that this is how they spend their time on the beach. I told you it was terrible, but it was probably terribly amusing as well.