Title: Ponderings of an Uchiha
Author: Cloudy Moonshine
Rating: PG-13
Summary: What does it mean to be Uchiha Sasuke? Companion piece to Snow and Ramen.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Are you happy now? It hurt admitting that!
Dedicated to my dear friends who kindly told me to type up anything I wrote or they would beat me up! (Ya, that's right! Take it!)
What does it mean to be an Uchiha? Is it a title or something more?
From the time I was little till that event occurred, it meant a lot to me. I wore the Uchiha clan symbol, thinking it was truly something to be proud of. My family was respected everywhere for it's power and strength. Everywhere I went, people would remark about my being an Uchiha. But they would also remark on the hope that I would be like the family prodigy, my brother Uchiha Itachi. They probably helped imbed the seeds of jealousy in my mind.
I always loved my ni-san. He was a quiet presence in my life, radiating safety and protection in every action and word. To other he was cold and dangerous, a man sooner to be your enemy than your friend. To the hokage, he was an incredibly loyal and note-worthy nin. And to my parents, he was a subject of pride.
He was a prodigy, born into the family to make the impossible easy. I was proud to be his brother. But, at the same time, I was troubled.
Long before people fell over me for being the last Uchiha, I was hardly recognized as anything but Itachi's brother. But that I hardly cared for. I longed for my brother's acknowledgement more than anything else in life. Gaining it would be enough for me.
During my first year at the academy, I excelled above all the other children. I kept working harder and harder. But things were also different for Itachi.
He became a cold figure, avoiding conversation and always choosing to be alone or to go out on missions. Now that I think about it, he changed more so after a certain clan meeting on Winter's solstice. I had never seen him so angry in my life like that moment. I could tell something bad had happened, but there was nothing I could say or do to help him.
A few months later, it happened. My brother, my idol, my 'friend' in some cases, betrayed me in the worst way possible. He killed them all. Every last one of theme except for me. I was cursed to survive and hate, something that consumed my every thought.
The years that followed were drenched in utter darkness, in a hell so deep and cold that I believed I would never be able to escape it. It was filled with anger, despair, and regret. I continued to live at the Uchiha compound, constantly surrounded by memories of that bloodthirsty night.
But then I escaped. I became a genin with the best team I could ask for. Sakura was an annoyance I could deal with. Kakashi was a powerful teacher who had a tendency to be late. And I made a rival and friend, Naruto.
Life was filled with training and missions. I had no time to dwell on my past, my life was constantly revolved around my team. We stuck out for each other where no one else would. For the first time in a long time I was satisfied with my life. But then I was hit with a huge reminder.
Orochimaru and his sadistic seal.
The moment it marked me during the Chuunin exams, all I could remember was a time that I had almost succeeded in forgetting. The massacre. And Itachi.
The seal forced into my mind my hidden rage at the issue, fueled by regret and even anger towards myself for forgetting. I wanted power. Power to fulfill my revenge.
After that I was filled with the thought of gaining power. My team was worried about me. We still had our moments of fun, but the nights at the compound were filled with memories. No one was there to make me take a step back away from my ghosts. When the sound five came, my own argument against leaving didn't last long.
I was, at that time, happy that I didn't meet Naruto while leaving the village. Though Sakura was close to convincing me, Naruto would have made the final push to my sanity. It was nice to know that my team cared so much about me, but the seal was a lot more powerful than our friendship. Or so I thought.
The next moment I met Naruto, the seal had evolved and played with my thoughts. The things I said and did… I'll probably never forgive myself for that day.
But Naruto kept fighting for me. A couple of years later, Naruto and Sakura infiltrated on of Orochimaru's bases. When I saw them that day, I was changed. Time with Orochimaru had made me colder, and the seal made me forget any good time with my team. They failed to save me. No, that's wrong. I betrayed them.
A few months later, I could tell that Orochimaru's body was weakening. The seal he had created was weakening along with his will. Then I knew.
I knew he would betray me to obtain my body. That also meant that I could not get Itachi. The seal fueled only my anger for Itachi which in turn urged me to betray Orochimaru before he could do so to me.
I killed him. The first person I had ever actually killed. I felt guilty upon losing that innocence. And I knew that I never wanted to kill again. Upon Orochimaru's death, the seal disappeared, and I was once again in control.
I still wanted to hurt Itachi, but I couldn't kill again. At least not at that moment.
I wandered for a couple of years, trying to gain a peace of mind as well as find information on an organization called Akatsuki which Itachi was currently a part of.
I searched for news for five years. I was lonely and stayed to myself. I wanted to go back to Konoha, but if I had to leave again, I knew I would hurt my friends even more.
I also learned something else about myself and my feeling for my friend. It was startling, and I tried not to dwell on it. I didn't want my perspective of Naruto to change at all.
When I was twenty, I heard news that forced me to stop in my tracks. Akatsuki had been disbanded, all its members killed, which meant Itachi as well.
I felt…several things. Happy my clan was avenged. But, at the same time, regret. I had wanted to confront Itachi and ask him why. Why my older brother killed our clan. I had never asked before, so fueled by anger that it blinded me. Those years without Orochimaru's influence were a breath of fresh air that gave me a chance to think.
Sometimes I dreamt of seeing guilt in his eyes. My more innocent mind wanted to believe that head had a legitimate reason, though it still would not excuse him from punishment. My logical mind just said he was evil. Now I would never know the truth.
I also found out who was responsible for their deaths: my old team seven and some other members of my age-group.
After that I didn't know what to think. I had known that Akatsuki was after Naruto. That had also motivated me to find them fast. But Naruto got to them first.
It was…hard for me to settle all my feelings. I felt bitter that Naruto had done what I had wanted to do. But I could tell, I knew, that he had partly done it for me. For my peace.
I wandered for a few more years, to settle myself and prepare for the trip home.
It was snowing. Konoha was covered with a fine layer of ice and snow. Everyone was in their homes with family, filled with cheer. Except for one figure.
Atop Hokage mountain, on the head of the fourth Hokage, was Naruto. Or, as I saw by another face carved on the mountainside, the Rokudaime.
I was incredibly proud of him. Even if I hadn't achieved my dreams, he got through to the end, achieving both his and mine.
I approached him from behind, trying to gather courage to talk to him, but he knew I was there all along.
When he spoke, his tone was completely bitter. It pierced right through my heart.
I had been ready for anger. Not for bitterness. Know I was the cause hurt even more.
I tried to begin idle conversation with him. I asked about all of our age-group. When he didn't mention himself, I asked.
He said he was tired.
It hurt to see him in so much pain. I blurted out that I loved him. I had hoped it would console him somehow. Instead it angered him. I wasn't ready forthat anger. I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He said yes. I left.
Of course I didn't go far. After so many years away, missing his smiling face, I wasn't selfless enough to leave. Thank god I chose that moment to be selfish.
I was at team seven's training grounds when he came. When I heard him whisper in pain, wanting to know where I was, I knew. And I was happy.
Our bond forged of friendship evolved. We loved eachother, and I swore never to leave again. All I needed was him.
But, even after a year, I still wanted to know why. My brother had been my world then. Now Naruto was my world, but I still needed to know the truth of my past.
One day while spending time with Naruto at the Uchiha complex, a knock, or rather three knocks, came upon my door. They held an answer to my long hidden question.
It was Nara Shikamaru. It still doesn't make sense how, but head had my answer in his hands.
It was a letter. On it I could make out the word Uchiha Sasuke. But it wasn't the words that drew my eyes. It was the familiar writing itself. My brother's handwriting. I've recorded the letter as follows:
Sasuke,
I will not waste my ink on petty words. Love and family continues to mean nothing to me. However it has come to my attention that you have returned to Konoha. So I will get to the point, only to ease your mind about that night.
That one winter solstice the clan was plotting to kill your Jinchuuriki. You may recall mother and father leaving the house for clan meetings often before I killed them. At that time, I still had some sense of justice, so I made the necessary actions. They were betraying the Hokage so I saw no further need in their continuing existence.
It may sound cold, but I don't care. These are the hard facts. You can believe them or not. You're still alive because you had nothing to do with the incident. You betrayed your village, but you came back. I expect you won't do that again.
Live.
Uchiha Itachi.
I believed it. Every word. My brother may have been a killer, but he wasn't a liar. I knew it was the truth, and I was sad. Sad that I was happy he killed them, if only for Naruto's sake. He would not have survived an organized attack by my clan.
I told Nara to tell Itachi I understood. If Itachi had chosen him, he'd also wait for an answer.
I was free. Free to be happy and free to love Naruto. Also free to love that faint memory of my brother.
What does it mean to be an Uchiha? I don't think I'll know or ever care.
What does it mean to be Uchiha Sasuke? I wrote the answer here.
Happy Holidays!