1. SHELL
First, the hysteria. Then, the numbness. She couldn't take the fucking numbness.
That she could go from feeling like the entire bloody world was ending to absolute nothing shook her to her core.
She couldn't even feel the tears that coursed down her cheeks; never-ending.
Nothing.
Fuck.
How could she possibly tell him what she had done?
Shameful.
The sick that sat in the bottom of her stomach, taunting her because there was nothing she could possibly do to make it go away, threatened to boil over.
What would she tell her? She wanted to start a real relationship with her, start a family. Merlin.
Two other souls involved- at risk of sinking into her personal Hell with her.
She wondered if it would be too much to simply slip away and just... Go. Peacefully.
No, God would never let her off that easily.
Hermione had no idea how she even got caught up in the mess to begin with. The other girl was a Slytherin, her boyfriend was a Gryffindor. It was chaos and madness and no one would ever possibly believe her if she told them what was going on.
She was cheating on the Boy Who Lived, the Saviour of the Wizarding World with a Pureblood.
Pansy Parkinson was like no one else and she made Hermione's blood race and heart swell. But that was still no fucking excuse to cheat on Harry after he had been so unbelievably good to her. He did nothing to deserve her dishonesty and infidelity. However, it still didn't stop her from sneaking around.
Hermione removed her shirt quickly, throwing it across the room into the hamper as soon as she got into her dorms. If anyone got a whiff of Pansy's perfume she would be doomed: everyone knew what Pansy smelled like.
She could still taste her. She remembered how she smelled of honeyed pear and cigarettes. It was all too familiar and comforting.
She wiped away the tears that lingered hastily and shrugged on a clean set of robes. She wouldn't let Harry see her crying, he would ask too many questions. Pansy had given her this newfound shell that she could put on whenever she needed to. How very Slytherin of her. She wasn't the bookworm she used to be since Pansy. She didn't know what she had become.
Harry was waiting at the bottom of the stairs, faithful and smiling, his eyes sparkling. They had been together for a few months now, even though it had seemed like longer. He claimed he loved her more than anything and she complied because she didn't want to be alone. Ron had Luna so why couldn't she have someone as well?
His kiss was rough and ragged, the complete opposite to Pansy's. Her body was soft and voluptuous, while Harry's was muscular.
It reminded her that just an hour before the two girls had been entangled in green bed sheets.
"Hi, Harry." She said as cheerfully as she could as he led her out of the portrait hole and down the stairs to dinner.
"How was studying?" Harry asked, clutching her close to him.
Hermione's stomach did flip flops. "It was fine, the usual."
"I, er, got a detention tonight." He said sheepishly, looking up at her from his thick lashes.
"How?" she sighed.
"Fighting with Malfoy. I swear he started it though."
"Harry. How many times has this happened before? It's not worth it." Hermione shook her head.
At least she wouldn't have to make up an excuse not to see Pansy; they could be together effortlessly.
"I have it with Filch, wonderful right?" he grimaced as they made their way into the Great Hall.
"You'll be gone all night."
"I know, I'm sorry, love."
"Potter, what the fuck were you thinking getting me a detention?" Malfoy's voice called from behind them.
Before they even had to turn around Hermione could sense Pansy with him. She didn't want to deal with this; she didn't want to deal with this.
Pansy took Hermione's breath away. She had certainly grown out of looking like a pug and was undoubtedly stunning. Dammit, why did she have to show up now, in front of Harry?
"If you could shut your arse, Malfoy, we wouldn't have it!"
She turned to him. "What did he say?"
"Just called you a Mudblood. Nothing new, dunno why he got so upset." Malfoy answered for Harry nonchalantly.
Hermione saw Pansy's eyes narrow in anger at him for a split second, then turn to ice again. "Oh, Harry. You know that's nothing worth a detention. Come on, we're going to be late."
"That's right; keep him on a short leash there, Mudblood."
"Try not to kill him tonight." She said calmly as they sat down next to Ron and Ginny at the table.
"No promises."
She pushed her food around on her plate, pretending to pay attention to it. Her focus was on the dark haired witch that sat too far away from her for her comfort. It was ridiculous that she missed her already. She longed for her touch and longed to touch.
Even after just a few months of spending sleepless nights together they were unable to stay away.
Hermione knew she would only have a short time frame to get to the Owlery and then back to the Room of Requirement to meet Pansy.
"I've got to get going. I love you, 'Mione." Harry kissed her lightly on the lips and left with Malfoy trailing behind him slowly.
She looked over at Pansy one last time before making her way up to write her a short note.
P, Meet me. Love, H.
There was no way that Pansy would ever refuse Hermione, she could guarantee that.
She needed her more than Hermione did.
Hermione perched on the bed that the room had transfigured for her, waiting for Pansy apprehensively. She was late. She was never late.
"Babe, I'm sorry. Greengrass kept trying to get me to work on her Potions homework with her."
Pansy was already halfway across the room, tie off and skirt halfway down her thighs. Hermione took a sharp breath in, undoing her own.
"Make it up to me." she whispered as Pansy closed the distance.
Their lips touched and she moaned in response.
Heat spread throughout her body as they melted into one as they had so many times before. The completion Hermione felt was amazing, giving up her entire soul to the girl, letting it flow through each kiss.
The love was undeniable and unlike anything.
It ended too soon. The departure being the hardest part of the entire part of their relationship.
She walked up the stairs, putting back up the shell that was so familiar, and let it consume her.
Fuck.
It was so lonely there in her shell.
She let her self hatred take over- the only thing that would keep their secret from coming out.