4x03. Title from Losing Your Memory by Ryan Star.
What am I doing, I thought I was finally getting over these two...
In related news, "Klaus and Stefan just need to be lovers."... Paul Wesley, everyone :))
I own absolutely nada.
One of these days you're going to need me like I needed you.
You're going to miss me like I've missed you.
You're going to want me and I won't want you.
– Anonymous
Fate really loves mocking you.
This shouldn't come as a surprise, you should have known that something was bound to happen, of course you wouldn't be going to Chicago without him, how could you even think that – oh well.
He calls and you come, and you hate him and hate yourself a little bit more because you're well aware that he crossed a line he shouldn't have crossed, and yet here you are, unable to stay away, unable to say no, unable to even try and pretend that you don't care about him, because he left you nine voicemails and he sounded so miserable and scared and desperate, and how could you not help him when he needs you –
You hate him for rendering you powerless and you hate yourself for allowing him to do that.
And then there he goes again, saying whatever you want, begging, risking it all for someone he loves, for Elena, just like he did for Damon and –
He's never going to get it that they don't deserve him, is he?
And this must be what you deserve for treating your siblings the way you have, for not recognizing unconditional love when it was right in front of you, for not appreciating the little sister who still adores you and taking her for granted.
So this is what it feels like to be constantly pushed away by someone you love so much that you'd be willing to die for them. And of course you'd be realizing this just now, with him standing so close and looking so young and broken because fate is cruel like that.
It's too late.
You say – yellshoutlie – that you don't want anything from him while every cell in your body is screaming that you want everything, you've always wanted everything and you always will, but maybe it's time to finally accept that this is the one thing you will never have and let go before you hurt yourself, before he hurts you, before he breaks you one more time.
His eyes are wide and filled with tears, but not because of you, not for you, never for you, you know that now and you're just –
You're tired.
Spending sixty seconds with him feels like fighting a war against the whole world, maybe that's exactly what you've been doing for ninety years, and you can't bring yourself to feel betrayed or disappointed, let alone angry, you're just too tired and can't do this anymore.
You can't help but wonder what exactly has this boy turned you into, because it seems that lately you end up with tears in your eyes whenever you're around him, when exactly did you become so wrecked that you can't even keep up the façade –
But this is Stefan and you've always been open and vulnerable around him, so maybe after all this time you simply forgot how to pretend.
Or maybe you've been pretending all along, fooling yourself that something so sick and twisted could actually be right and good.
Maybe the innocence you keep looking for was only in your head and even if it did exist, now it's buried beneath betrayal and lies and pain and so much guilt, all these tangled threads, all these mistakes suffocating you with every passing second.
What you felt and wanted wasn't pure and selfless, if it had been you wouldn't have done what you did, you can admit that now. It's your fault as much as it's his, you're both to blame, and looking back, it suddenly becomes so clear that the two of you were doomed from the start.
You didn't lose him when you compelled him to turn his humanity off.
You lost him ninety years ago when you left him behind, alone and unknowing. You took away something that wasn't yours to take; you took his memories and lost that piece of his heart that, maybe, one day, could have belonged to you if you had thought things through.
This is your true curse, the one you will never be able to break, knowing that you could have had everything you ever dreamt of if you hadn't made that first mistake.
But now it's over, it's too late, you're done.
This is the last time you'll allow yourself to think about what could have been before you close the door and lock it.