A/N:: this is a songfic that's prior the book series, I thought of this the instant I finished the fifth book, which was a while ago now...but, well, I think it's a nice idea, Aramis, Anshi, consider this dedicated partly to you two! All for one and one for all!
Genre: general/angst I guess
Rating: pg
Archive: ................................................nani?
Spoilers: only if you haven't been paying ANY attention to ANYTHING at all that's been going on for the past two or three books. Otherwise, for the smarter people out there, nope, none. ^_^
Title: Words We Shouldn't Have Said -or- So Many 'I'm Sorry's
Song: Mirror Mirror
Artist: M2M
Couples: now, this is debatable. See, some of you will read it over and say "yup, Shounen ai" but I don't mean for it to be if you think it is, so, it's not my fault.
Disclaimer: moo, moo, moo, I am voodoo cursing you!
Thankies and Huggles: thankies to Aramis Thorongil who provided me with M2M, both cd and lyrics, and thankies to Anshi-chan for her wonderful "Kaylynn's Death to Prideshipping" ficcy, which I will luv forever-either ending-. And huggles to DoS for his reviews and making sure I know he isn't dead. Huggles to all!
Warnings: OOC, IOOC, major mookyness, some naughty words and debatable Shounen ai. (that I didn't mean to be there, so poo! :P)
Other: "blah" = talking directly, "blah" = thinking, //_blah_// = flashbacks, (blah) = author's notes, blah = story, and blah = song lyrics. Enjoy. Blah.
Summary: This is the night, and day or so, after that night, after Sirius told Snape how to find Remus in the Shrieking Shack. Sirius now faces the difficult task of finding a way to apologize to Remus. The whole fiasco observed by an oc of mine.
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Words We Shouldn't Have Said -or- So Many 'I'm Sorry'sBy Pop Flower Millenium (*sob* I can't take pictures! *sob*)
A girl sits on the top of a pillar looking down at the wide stone halls of her school, her frizzy, wavy brown-blond-red hair pulled into a loose braid going down to the top of her shoulder blades, her strange blue-gray eyes shifted into the eyes of a cat, the pupils wide and glowing in the middle of the night right (PFM: hey, that rhymes. Dais: baka, get back to the fic! PFM: fine... -_-;) after the full moon, she was in a tank top and shorts-both black-and had black slippers on her feet, she was cuddling a stuffed cat that looked quite old and ragged. She watches four boys hurrying down the hall, one with sandy brown hair with several thin streaks of gray in it and light blue eyes in an enraged huff, a handsome boy with dark eyes and black hair is following close behind, looking rather desperate, and two other black haired boys with glasses and shocked expressions are following several feet behind. The unknown observer begins to softly sing as she watches the four teens.
Mirror, mirror, lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror, mirror, lie to me
Sirius was panting a bit as he hurried to try to catch up to an infuriated Remus, the same Remus Lupin that hadn't spoken to him or gone near him since the day before last night,
"Remus, Moony, Remus!" Sirius begged, "please, listen, I'm sorry!" Remus stopped abruptly, making his three friends do so as well,
"sorry?" Remus hissed, James and Peter backing away a bit, Peter hiding behind James, Sirius not budging, Remus swung around and glared at him, "you're sorry?" he asked in total disbelief, then he straightened up and put his hands on his hips, giving a quick, mocking laugh, "Hah! You'll hafta do better then that" he snapped, then he turned again and walked away towards the Griffindor common room, leaving Sirius to stare in shock, Remus never acted that way unless very upset, apologizing could take a while.
The girl sighed, knowing she should probably help her friends make up, but also knowing that if she did they may not completely make up, so she vowed to stay silent in the matter as she watched the trio that was left walk down the hall slowly.
The next day braught no changes to the matter, Remus sitting at one end of the table, Sirius and company at the other, Sirius sighed, he felt awful, he knew this was all his fault. He'd been so stupid to think that he could just say 'sorry, get over it' with Remus over this matter. He excused himself from the breakfast table and left the Great Hall, the girl's eyes one him the entire time. She sighed and decided to monitor him, concentrating and appearing in the boys' dorm room as an invisible spectator, watching him and singing to herself again, he was looking into the mirror that he'd gotten as a present from her, a supposed 'magic mirror' that made wishes come true, it was only a muggle story though.
Why don't I like the girl I see?
The one who's standing right in front of me?
Why don't I think before I speak?
I should have listened to that voice inside me
Sirius sighed loudly, fingering the designs on the Egyptian mirror, then whacking himself in the forehead with the back of it, sitting there with it held up against his head,
"why am I so stupid?!" he demanded, putting down the mirror and grabbing up a book from next to his bed, beating himself in the head with it, chanting 'stupid' every time it hit his forehead, the girl covering her face with one hand and shaking her head at his use of time, "I knew I shouldn't have told him anything...i knew Remus would hate me forever for doing it...why didn't I listen to myself?" he babbled, "how do you say sorry for something you did on purpose and expect it to fly with everyone?" he sat still for a minute, holding the book in his lap and staring straight ahead, "how do I say sorry to Remus?" he asked, then he screamed and threw the book, "dammat!" he growled, sounding much like the big black dog that he could become, then he fell backwards onto his bed with his arms spread out on either side of his head, "how'm I gonna do this...?" he asked before curling up into a ball on his mattress with the girl sitting on the end of the bed watching.
I must be stupid
Must be crazy
Must be out of my mind
To say the kind of things I said last night
Sirius (literally) bumped into Remus in Herbology right after breakfast. The slightly more petit and sickly looking boy blinking in surprise as he held onto Sirius while regaining his bearings, Sirius started to open his mouth when Remus was steady again but Remus just pushed away and stamped across the greenhouse to stand by the girls that the Marauders normally hung out with, the girl observing this all being one of them, she sighed and shook her head. Sirius just watched the pale werewolf working all through class, trying to figure out how to apologize to him enough so he'd stop and listen, but coming up blank. He sighed and lowered his gaze away from Remus.
Sirius was back in his bed come lunchtime looking in the mirror he and James each used, James having propped his up on a pitcher of juice so his friend could see Remus, the girl, as always, was watching from the opposite side of the table. Sirius watched Remus leafing through a book with a fork hanging out of his mouth, his shoulder length hair pulled back into its usual loose ponytail, several strands escaping and falling down around his face making him constantly push them away from his eyes. Sirius touched where his friend's face should be lightly with his fingertips and realized how much he missed Remus' company, the girl in the Great Hall resting her head in her arms, which were folded on the table and sighing, looking at the young werewolf as well, still unsure of whether to help her friends at all.
Mirror, mirror, hanging on the wall,
You don't hafta tell me
Who's the biggest fool of all.
Mirror, mirror, I wish you could lie
To me and bring my baby back
Bring my baby back to me
Sirius was assigned to pair up with Remus in Potions. Remus glaring at him as he sat down, the girl right behind them, paired up with Lily Evans.
"Remus, listen to me, please."
"Sirius, give me one good reason why I should listen to a far-fetched apology from you when you'll probably sell tickets for the next full moon?" Remus whispered harshly, Sirius blinking in shock, "you can't just use me like that." The werewolf continued, feverishly adding ingredients into whatever it was that he was supposed to be making, not noticing the concoction's odd spontaneous color changes or constant foaming, two of the Marauder females sitting across the isle from them noticing and inching away rapidly, Peter and James also noticing from their seats behind the two girls and followed their example, "I'm not stupid, Sirius. I'm not gonna just keep giving you a second chance forever." He said as he dropped in some other random thing, then he cried out and jumped back, clutching his hand, as steaming, sizzling ooze overflowed from the top of the cauldron, "shit..." he murmured, his voice wavering, the professor quickly causing the liquid to disappear, much to the relief of the class, and ordered Remus to go to the Hospital Wing, Sirius looking on in a dazed shock as Remus gave him a slightly forlorned glance before rushing out of the room. Sirius couldn't believe it. Remus thought he was using him. He was in such a daze that he didn't notice his female companion patting out a small fire on his robes that Remus' 'Potion of Evil' had created. Once she straightened up she sighed loudly and walked back to sit by Lily.
"Why? Why would I use him like that? Why can't this all just go away?" Sirius thought, bringing his knees up against his chest, then burying his face in them, "why can't I wake up? Why can't this be a dream?" the girl behind him closed her eyes and lowered her gaze in pity.
Mirror, mirror, lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror, mirror, lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Remus rejoined them in Divination the next period, he took a seat close to the back, away from Sirius. He sat with the three girls of the Marauders group, Sirius with the two other boys.
"Padfoot, you and Moony have got to make up already." James said, "you two are best friends, this is getting ridiculous." Sirius bowed his head in shame,
"I've been trying, but, he won't listen."
"well, we'll make him listen. Tonight at dinner, we'll bring him up into the common room, you two can apologize there."
"thanks, Prongs."
"don't mention it. now, if you could talk to Setkhah about Lily for me..."
"don't dream too much, mate." Sirius joked, James gave him a look.
Dinnertime came and Sirius waited, James and peter entered the common room with Remus, who saw Sirius and turned around, only to be stopped by two of the female Marauders, he huffed and stalked over to Sirius.
"you kids play nice." The blonde, curly haired girl said as she and her cobalt eyed friend exited, James and peter following their two friends,
"Remus, he really does wanna make things better, so listen." James said, peter nodded, then the two vanished through the portrait hole. Remus watched them go, then turned his gaze to Sirius. Sirius took a deep breath, neither one of them noticing the mirror propped up against a book on a nearby table, the reflection of the same girl that had put out Sirius' robes was in its surface, watching as she had so far.
"Remus, I'm sorry."
"you've tried that, it didn't work. You can't just be 'sorry'. Sirius, I could've..." Remus lowered him gaze, "I could've accidentally killed someone, I might've even killed James on accident."
"Remus-"
"shut up!" the smaller boy screamed, he gripped his head tightly, "I don't want you to be sorry! I could've killed someone! You don't get it, do you?!"
Sirius' anger was rising,
"I said I was sorry, what more can I do?! It's not my fault you wanted to come here!"
"so are you saying that this entire predicament is all MY fault?!" Remus shrieked, now to the point where tears were involved, Sirius taken aback by them, realizing what he'd just done, again, "it's not like I wanted to get bit! It was my own idiocy, true, but, it's not your place to blame me!" he snapped, his breaths, and bottom lip, trembling, Sirius reached his hand out, but dropped it quickly, closing his eyes and keeping quiet,
"fine." He finally whispered, Remus blinked, slightly confused, "be that way. Make yourself feel like you never did anything wrong..." his anger was at a slowly diminishing peak, "...werewolf..." he added the last word with as much contempt as he'd managed to keep for the past few days, but that word alone made Remus give a small noise of shock that made Sirius look up, then take a few steps back from Remus, the look on his face was that of pure anguish, he cried out again and ran out of the room, Sirius' pride preventing him from giving chase to apologize, "Remus, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." he murmured.
The girl let the mirror hang from her hand and rested her forehead against her knee as she sighed, Sirius was just too proud, she didn't know what to do, she watched Remus run by the tree she was perched in and collapse by the side of the lake, she turned her gaze away, wondering how long this would take...
Why did I let you walk away?
When all I had to do was say I'm sorry
I let my pride get in the way
And in the heat of the moment I was to blame
Sirius flopped down onto the floor, he'd done it again, he'd made Remus hate him even more, why couldn't he just keep his big mouth shut? He felt like a moron, again. He kept saying things that he figured now he'd never be able to take back.
"why am I always. So. Damn. Stupid?" he mumbled. He sighed, then he noticed the mirror, which he picked up and looked into, the view was upside-down but he still knew exactly what it was of; the lakeshore on the grounds outside, the person lying on the ground could only be one person...Remus...he sighed again and rolled around so he was sprawled out on the ground. He was an idiot. Plain and simple. He was beginning to think that he would never get Remus back.
I must be stupid
Must be crazy
Must be out of my mind
Now in the cold light of the day I realize
Sirius closed his eyes and dreamed a bit, remembering the look on Remus' face when Sirius had told him that they were going to try to become animagi (PFM: whoa, how long has it been since I spelled that word? Oh, yea, I still got it. Dais: you worry me. PFM: yea, well, ya know... Marron: now who's ruining the mood of the story, Pop? PFM: shaddap.) so they could spend time with him. He'd looked both overjoyed and horrified,
//"no, you guys shouldn't. it-it's too complex. What if something should go wrong? No. no, not for me." Remus pleaded, but Sirius put his hands on the other boy's shoulders and smiled,
"for you we'd take the risk. You're our friend. Remus, nobody should have to face their challenges alone. And that includes you." Sirius said, watching Remus' eyes darting around the room as he tried to think of a response to what Sirius had said, but sighed in defeat as he came up with nothing, making Sirius smile wider, "for you, Moony." He said, Remus beaming up at him with the sun gleaming behind him.//
Sirius groaned as he recalled it, then of course there was that night...the night not too long ago...where he had made what he would consider the worst mistake ever for the rest of his life.
//"yea, right down there, that's where we're keeping the secret." He said, pointing to the Whomping Willow, then watching Severus Snape turn and run from the room, just as Setkhah, Sirius' female counterpart Marauder walked in. she'd watched Snape leave, then turned to Sirius, her large, catlike eyes now narrowed in some suspicion,
"what was that all about?" she asked, Sirius shuffled his feet, still not knowing why he'd told Snape, "Sirius?" she stared, moving over to him, but something outside caught her attention, "my Ra, is that Snape out there?" she said absently, James came over to the window to look, the other marauders having gone to make sure the halls were cleared so they could sneak out to Remus, James' eyes widened in shock as he pieced together the situation, Sirius had told Snape how to find Remus. He ran out of the common room at break neck speed, Setkhah turned a horrified and enraged glare on Sirius, "how could you?!" she screamed, "he's your best friend! What kind of person are you, Sirius?!" she snapped, not fully believing he would do such a thing, then she reached into a pouch at her hip and pulled out a small mirror, Sirius knew that Tsume and Jesse-the other two female Each-each had one as well, the mirror glowed as she talked into it, "change in plans, get Peter and get back here, we have a predicament of huge proportions." She ordered, not taking her eyes off of Sirius, "you should be mortified with yourself. Set have mercy on your soul." She hissed at him, before turning to meet the three entering Marauders.//
He bit his bottom lip hard and squeezed his eyes shut tight, trying not to scream. He was disgusted with himself. He wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
Mirror, mirror, hanging on the wall,
You don't hafta tell me
Who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror, mirror, I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back
Bring my baby back to me
He looked off to the side at the mirror clenched in his hand, normally, Remus was always sitting on the side of his bed in the morning, since their beds were right next to each other it wasn't a very long trip, and while Sirius looked into the mirror to fix himself up he'd always see Remus in the back smiling exasperatedly and shaking his head. Yup, that hole he'd dug himself into was looking pretty good right now. He crawled into the boys' dorm room and hoisted himself up onto his bed, tossing the mirror with the lake view into off to the side and picking up Setkhah's 'wishing mirror'. He looked into it and, for one split second, he thought he saw Remus out of the corner of his eye smiling exasperatedly at him. But he was alone in the mirror,
"why can't you be a real wishing mirror?" he demanded of the mirror, "then I know I could wish for Remus to forgive me." Then he lowered his head, "but that's not going to happen now. I messed up. Remus'll never forgive me now..." he squeezed the mirror in his hands tightly, the smooth surface becoming wet with the tears that fell from Sirius' eyes, "I miss him." And it was true, he missed Remus more then anything he'd ever missed in his life. Sure, he and James were always getting into trouble together, but, Remus was an important person to Sirius. Remus had something special to him that James didn't have. Some sort of serenity that Sirius loved. Remus was special to him. Like a favored brother, and he loved Remus...not loved him loved him but...loved him... (PFM: you followin'? not in that way.) if only he could turn back time and take back everything he'd said to hurt the fragile werewolf. If only he could be the person that he used to be, the less destructive person that Remus obviously loved (PFM: again, not in that way.) then he would. Then maybe Remus would still be here with him... "...dammit..." he murmured as he rolled over, burying his face in his pillows, seeking comfort in their softness, hurting horribly from what he'd done.
If only wishes could be dreams
And know my dreams could come true
There would be two of us
Standing here in front of you
If you could show me
That someone that I used to be
Bring back my baby
My baby to me
Meanwhile, outside, the girl jumped gracefully down out of the tree, walking silently over to Remus, who was still in tears. She knelt down next to him and touched his shoulder, giving a small grunt of shock when he turned and lunged into her arms, clinging to her as he cried, she sighed loudly and petted his hair,
"Remus, I've had quite enough of this childish hate between you and Sirius." She said promptly, making him shake his head vigorously, "yes. You have to hear him out. He loves you. So do the rest of us." (PFM: do I have to say it again? Or have you gotten it?...not. In that. Way.) Remus raised his gaze in order to look her in the face, her steady, catlike gaze holding his in place, "he wants you to forgive him. Can't you at the least try to hear him out. I'm sure he had no intention of hurting you."
"no. h-he hates me,. He n-never wants to see me again. I w-won't go back to that!"
"oh, how wrong you are..." she said,
"Setkhah!" another girl called as she ran over to the pair, her cobalt eyes narrowed with concern, "is he alright?"
"Sirius made some huge mistakes. Maybe we should talk to him." She answered, but the girl shook her head,
"no, I'll go. You stay here with Remus." And with that, she disappeared. (Dais: I thought that you said no one could aparate on Hogwarts school grounds. PFM: they can't. she didn't aparate, she can teleport, you know, like Kurt in X Men Evolution. Dais: oh, hey, don't you have a fic to work on for that? PFM: ^_^; eh he he, uh, yea, guess I do...oh well, gotta finish this first. Random Reader: get back to the fic! PFM: yea, whatever... -_-)
"good luck, Jess." Setkhah muttered as she turned back to Remus.
Mirror, mirror, hanging on the wall,
You don't hafta tell me
Who's the biggest fool of all
Mirror, mirror, I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back
Bring my baby back to me
Jesse reappeared in the boys' dorm room, walking slowly over to Sirius, who had his head shoved under his pillow and didn't look to be moving anytime soon.
"Sirius Black, come out of there and talk to me." She ordered, but was met with only a grunt for a response, "fine, but I'm staying in here and you'd better listen." Another grunt, "whatever. Well, Setkhah's outside with Remus. He's afraid that you despise him. But, if I'm right, which I normally am, you are anything but mad at him." The pillow moved a bit and a small noise of response was heard, "ooookkk...well, I think you should go out there and try talking to him again." The pillow was then clutched tighter to Sirius' head, making Jesse pop a vein(PFM: anime expression there. 'pop a vein' means get angry'. In anime, a cross shaped vein appears on the forehead of whoever is angry, ok, sorry ta slow you down, we're gonna continue now.), "maybe we should bring him in here then?" she suggested, no answer, another vein, "then, how are you going to apologize?" she asked through gritted teeth, wanting nothing more then to rip the damned pillow to shreds and then make him eat it, but she blinked as he sat up and looked at her,
"does he really want me back as friend?" he asked, looking pitiful, "or are you lying to me?" she stared in shock, his eyes were red, his face was flushed and he looked worn to the brink of tears...again.
Mirror, mirror, hanging on the wall,
You don't hafta tell me
Who's the biggest fool of allMirror, mirror, I wish you could lie to me
And bring my baby back
Bring my baby back to me
Setkhah sighed, Remus was calmed enough to talk normally, but she wondered how long that would last when Sirius showed up. She turned her head towards the building as Jesse and Sirius walked out, she smiled, Tsume, James and Peter weren't far behind them. This whole dispute would end right here and right now.
Mirror, mirror, lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
Mirror, mirror, lie to me
Sirius took a deep breath and swallowed loudly, then he headed over towards Remus and Setkhah, who both stood up in unison, Setkhah relinquishing her hold on Remus, who stared up at Sirius with large, shimmering blue eyes full of tears and question, and fear. Sirius flinched at them, then he spoke,
"hey, Moony." He said with a smile, Remus gave a quick nod and then lowered his eyes, not knowing what else to do, Sirius reached over to the boy and lightly gripped his chin, turning his head so he was looking at him again, "Remus, I'm sorry. I know, before I get yelled at, that I've said that before but, I really do mean it. and I don't think I'd be able to apologize enough to make it all go back to normal..." he dropped his hand from Remus' chin and let it hang at his side, then he stole a quick glance around at the others standing around smiling at him and turned back to Remus with a full smile, "but, I'm willing to forget this all if you are, Remus..." Remus' face was somewhat blank of emotion at the moment but when he turned his gaze directly to Sirius', he smiled and nodded. Sirius smiled as well, then Jesse dove on Remus from behind and smiled broadly, Setkhah walking over to Sirius and jumping onto his shoulders from behind-after a bit of scrambling on both of their parts.
"let's go eat, we still have a little time for chow." Jesse suggested, the others nodded with wide smiles, Sirius grinning and giving Remus a thumbs up, Remus simply smiling with Jesse's arm around his shoulders.
Mirror, mirror, lie to me
Show me what I wanna see
*scene fades with the Marauders walking towards the building, slowly fading to black*
Mirror, mirror, lie to me...
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PFM: hope nobody kills me...
Dais: that sucked.
PFM: shove it! I'm in denial...
Sanosuke: she doesn't wanna admit that it sucked.
PFM: ::whacks them both:: shut up!
Dais and Sanosuke: (T)_T
PFM: Onegai, onegai, onegai! Review it! onegaiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!