After They Bulldozed Breadstix
2012, Lima, Ohio
Santana slumbered peacefully, wrapped tightly in her black bed-covers like a caterpillar snug in its cocoon. Every possible scrap of warmth was held in and only a tuft of long, dark hair poked out of the top of the roll of bed covers where precious oxygen could get in.
'Whumphhhhhhhhh'
A muffled scream was lost in the blankets as Brittany jumped onto the bed, squashing her girlfriend and then tried to find her way through the barrier to the girl inside. Failing that, she attempted to unroll Santana from her prison which led to the poor girl being rolled off the bed and onto the floor with a thud.
"Oops, sorry 'bout that. This is a bit like Christmas. Remember that red lingerie set Santa brought you and I had to unwrap you out of it?"
"Oh my god, Brittany. The house had better be on fire or you want sex because I am asleep right now," Santana groaned into the floor and decided not to move, pulled the covers around herself again and curled up under them.
"You have to get up. I've got three words for you. Monster. And. Trucks."
"B, I know I'm gay and all but... what the actual fuck is that?" Santana shrieked as she eyed the big hairy ball shaped thing Brittany was holding in her hand as she knelt next to Santana's head.
"Oh this?" Brittany asked holding up the item she had been holding under her arm. "It's a coconut."
"It's bigger than Mr Schue and Kurt's quiffs' lovechild." Brittany squinted at her trying to picture it. "Britt, it's the size of my head."
"That's discriminatory. What if your head was coconut sized? Then the coconut the size of your head would be coconut sized."
Santana groaned and tried to hide under the covers. "I haven't had the right sleep to brain ratio to keep up with the clever talk, Britt."
"That's the other thing I've got to tell you. I finished my time machine."
Santana snuffled her face back into the sheets. "Good. That's really great, Britt, that means I can go back to sleep because we've got all the time in the world."
"Sleep when you're dead!" Brittany quoted the great Sue Sylvester and pulled the covers off Santana.
2034, NYC
The back door to the Lopez residence slammed open startling the occupants of the kitchen. Santana walked in with her arms full with her son's muddy football kit and book bag. Her eyes narrowed as she eyed the three guilty looking teenagers standing around the counter.
"Sugar," Santana addressed her daughter who stared back wide eyed and open mouthed like she was imitating her guppy uncle and looking like she'd been caught doing something forbidden. "What did I tell you about bringing your weird friends over without asking first?"
"Who are you calling weird?" Eighteen year old Santana, one of the assembled teenagers, answered back.
"Your face is weird," was Adult Santana's mature retort.
"Your face is my face and it's a stunner."
"Hmm, cant argue with that," Older Santana shrugged.
Further inevitable bickering was interrupted as Santana's young son, Tony, came running in a moment later followed by Adult Brittany. He skidded to a halt before he could run into the girls standing around the table and stared up at Teenage Brittany who stared back in equal wonder.
"Um, hi," she said with nervous gulp.
Tony looked from eighteen year old Brittany over to a gob smacked eighteen year old Santana via a smirking Sugar and then, with his eyes as wide as they could go, over to his more familiar set of parents who were watching him with fond amusement. Older Brittany nudged him.
"Hi," he squeaked out in shock.
"I'm Brittany," Younger Brittany spoke to him with a smile. "And I uh, I built a time machine and we're testing it out and sort of ended up here."
At her words, spoken with that much loved and familiar voice, Tony grinned as he turned back to his blonde mom and then to her younger self. He jumped up onto the chair next to Teenage Brittany so they were the same height and threw his arms around her neck.
"Hi mom," he whispered in her ear. Younger Brittany beamed and hugged him back.
"How do you know where we live?" Adult Santana asked the teenagers, with suspicion.
"Sugar told us."
Sugar gave a strangled laugh. "Oh, funny story. Remember when I got stuck in the past and it was really upsetting and you should have mercy?"
To her relief, her Aunt Quinn decided to burst into the mini reunion, sauntering in the open door without even bothering to knock and addressed her friends.
"I thought you got rid of that pile of junk after all the trouble it caused."
"I sincerely hope for your sake you're not referring to my wife," Older Brittany asked in her deadpan style.
Quinn executed a perfect eyeroll, "I meant the Delorean, B."
"We did."
"Then what's it doing on the driveway?"
"Hey, don't look at me, it's their fault," Adult Santana waved an arm at their teenage versions who were staring at super hot older Quinn with unabashed fascination. Teenage Brittany still had her arm around Tony who was clutched onto her side while he peeked shyly at the younger version of Santana, both girls were busy thoroughly eyeing this new and much more interesting Quinn, up and down.
Quinn let out a strangled yelp of shock and maybe a little bit of horror at the sight of the delinquents.
"Oh my god, Fabray?" Teenage Santana gasped out as she took in the sight before her. "Why are you dressed like a hooker?"
"What? I am not, this is an evening dress. This is the fashion!"
"Oh, you guys wont believe who Quinn married," Adult Brittany giggled and her wife snorted back a suppressed laugh.
"What shh no, you're not supposed to spoil the future, everyone knows that," Quinn hushed them.
"But they're already here," Tony pointed out. "And everyone else went back in time, without me, they found out everything anyway so what's it matter now?"
"Spoilers!"
The entire Lopez clan looked at her pityingly. Quinn had the good grace to hang her head in shame.
"You're right. I don't know why I said that. There was no way you weren't going to be together. Anyway, I cant stop long I have to get back home before the triplets tear the place to the ground."
"Who did you marry, Quinn?" Teenage Santana asked, her curiosity a-tingling.
Quinn ignored her. "Tony, buddy, I love you to pieces but I came over to ask you; Why is there a baby Triceratops in my back yard?"
Everyone turned to stare at him.
"I thought you returned it back to the Jurassic," Older Santana said accusingly as Tony and Adult Brittany tried not to look at each other.
"Britt!" Santana caught the guilty air about them.
"It'll be eaten if he goes back. He's only used to humans now and how do you find a dino mom anyway its not like they have an address book."
"And you thought no one would notice a dinosaur prancing about the neighbourhood?"
"We're working on a camouflage device."
"Take it back using the flight log to the same time and place you found it before it gets too big to fit in the car."
"We can take it," Younger Brittany offered brightly. "We have to get back anyway, we can drop it off."
"What? No we cant," younger Santana was communicating wildly with her eyes at Brittany. "Britt, I'm not sharing a car with dino poop. Anyway we have to get back to save Quinn from a life of prostitution." At this teenage Santana and Brittany sniggered into Tony's shoulders.
"I am not a prostitute!"
"Shhh Quinn, not in front of the kids." Younger Brittany made a show of covering Tony's ears.
"Yeah, I certainly wont be dropping hints to your younger uptight self about your career choices," teenage Santana said with a straight face.
Quinn glared at Mrs and Mrs Lopez as they shook with poorly concealed laughter.
"This is a Hummel original! And you two can stop that as well."
"No Q, tell them who you married and why you have to dress like that." Adult Santana managed to control herself enough to speak coherently.
"It's okay if you're a hooker, Quinn," Teenage Brittany said sincerely.
"I am not a hooker!"
"Whoa, don't yell at her," Younger Santana's amusement turned to a glare in an instant and she took a menacing step towards Quinn.
"You know what? I don't have to put up with this. I have had years of therapy to deal with your crap Santana Lopez, I don't need more."
"Stop the violence," Tony stared at them with a worried expression on his face. Teenage Brittany hugged him closer.
"We can fit the dino in the monster truck," Sugar offered trying to calm things down. "We converted a new car into the time machine. Just in case."
"So awesome," Younger Brittany sighed.
"Why a monster truck? What happened to the Delorean?" Teenage Santana asked.
"Sugar happened to it. Wrote it off," Older Santana explained succinctly.
"I didn't!" Sugar gasped indignantly. "If you hadn't screamed in my ear I wouldn't have jumped, hit my head on the roof and swerved and missed the road."
"You were going to hit that little old lady!"
"There's nothing little about Mrs Hagberg. She would have moved out of the way when she saw a car bearing down on her eventually."
"Mom, can they come for Christmas?" Tony asked excitedly.
"NO!" Quinn and Adult Santana shouted simultaneously.
"Oh this is madness. I'm out of here. Tony, I want that creature out of my yard before I get back from this gala. Sugar, Tony, love you guys. Santana and Brittany and... Santana and Brittany. I hate you all, except for the Brittanys."
"Love you too, Quinn," Adult Santana called after her.
"Remember Quinn," Younger Santana shouted. "Just say no!"
"Quinn sails boats? Wont she get cold in that dress? Wait, Quinn has triplets?" Younger Brittany asked.
"Dalmations," Sugar explained but judging from the look on teenage Santana's face it didn't make things any clearer.
"How is it I am the only one in all of this who's not confused?" asked Adult Brittany. "You're thinking of a regatta. A gala's a kind of party for snobs."
"Why didn't she just say that then?" Younger Brittany asked.
"Right, family, get ready. Apparently we're going dino wrangling," Older Santana tried to round up her wayward family.
"Can we help?" younger Brittany asked hopefully.
"No." said both Santanas.
"But-"
"No."
"Don't make me do it," Teenage Brittany scowled at both Santanas.
"Do what, BrittBritt? You think I'm scared of you?" Adult Santana smirked.
Teenage Santana rounded on her cocky older self. "That is rude as hell. Britt Britt, give her the pout and add a lip quiver."
Both Santanas looked over when no reply from Brittany was forthcoming to find her having abandoned them and off exchanging goodbyes with Sugar, Tony and Adult Brittany. Deflated, and feeling a little silly, they went and joined them.
2012, Lima, Ohio
Brittany hummed a tune as she navigated her Delorean time machine through the streets of Lima on their way back home. She uh huhed and nodded in all the right places as she half listened to Santana grumble about her older version.
"She's so rude and annoying I don't even want to go back there."
"Sure thing, sweetie"
"B, are you even listening? I don't think she's really me."
"She is. I promise."
Santana sat back in a huff. "Now where or when are we going?"
"Didn't you want to go and mess with Quinn?"
"You know me so well."
"Okay so, you remember the real reason I wanted to build a time machine?"
"To go see Quinn before she was skinny, or even called Quinn? Wait I haven't got a camera ready!"
"That too, but I wanted to make school more interesting I thought I could use it for my history report. Which is due... sometime soon... like tomorrow. I was thinking we could take the car and prepare for it the more exciting way. So instead of reading up on these boring dead people or watching the dvds which Mrs Hagberg swears aren't historically accurate, you know she reckons that Indiana Jones wasn't a real dude?"
"And you wanted to go and mess about in actual historical times?" Santana stared over at her girlfriend. Brittany gave her a bright smile. "My common sense is tingling. I sense trouble."