Sunset Thunderstorms
"It's just one of those days when you evaluate your life and see that it needs a 360 of sorts. It's just one of those days when you rediscover your dreams and get motivated. It's just one of those days that you're ready to face the world and beg it to try and take you down again."- Shani Robinson
Summer, the time of year any student looks forward to. During summer, we rest our brains, go on vacation, hang with our friends and promise to come back to school a little more motivated, a little more cultured, and of course a brand new person. I could lie to you and say all these things happened, and that everything was peachy, and I was a ball of cheerfulness every day. I could lie about many things this past summer and say I didn't fall in love, I didn't get my heart broken, and that I didn't feel even worse when the loneliness took over leaving me to sit around and mope. I'm a pathological liar in some ways, or maybe not, maybe I'm a bipolar freak of nature ready to slip up and reveal herself to the world and the nasty people in it. I've been trying to ditch the only type of person I've ever been for months in exchange for clarity and safety. Safety, the feeling I've been trying to obtain for so long that I couldn't see that maybe who I am right now is who I will always be despite my best attempts. Deep down in the core of my existence maybe I will always just be me. Too bad that sickens me to the point of wanting to throw myself off a bridge. My name is something you acquire by sticking to my story and seeing me through. This is summer 2010, where there is always a beautiful sunset in the midst of a violent thunderstorm.
Solitary Confinement
Pinks and yellows were peaking through my eyelids. As a teenager when it's eight in the morning, that last thing you want to see is the sunrise, especially when it's the first day of summer. I rolled over on my back and smiled, the school year from hell was over and I was once again free to go about whatever the hell I wanted to do. Somehow the first day of summer always feels better than the previous day, weight which feels like a whole life is off a person's back with the replacement of truly feeling like a kid. High School sometimes leaves us to think that we aren't kids; that we can make our decisions, but don't have the chance to. Summer 2010 was supposedly going to change that for me. Too bad Murphy's Law rules the universe.
When you plan out your life it's possible to get so excited that you don't realize that everything won't goes as planned. Road blocks will always consume your plans before they can even become a reality.
A few weeks into summer everything hit the fan. Fireworks for the fourth of July were interesting, but at the same time went absolutely nowhere. At that point in summer I was with someone, but I was still in love with someone else. I was so confused about everything a few months back. I liked to play games with someone who could at least keep up. I use to love to hate to fight with Deryck. I guess that's just a part of me that Ryan took with him when he broke my heart this past summer, the will to continue to scratch, fight, and claw for everything that represents me. Who's Ryan? And who's Deryck? Well they're the reason that I sentenced myself to Solitary Confinement this entire summer I think? If you did a 180 I guess you could say that Ryan occasionally bailed me out. Maybe chivalry isn't dead after all.
(2)Naïve, Little me
I wish that some things could just happen once and be forgotten, but maybe I don't because despite the events being hazy, and unclear these things we want to forget are the best moments of our lives that we hold onto because nothing else is comforting. Ryan took something that I can't get back, my heart. Doing over Memorial Day weekend is a standout in my mind, but I even know doing it over everything would remain the same, the events that changed the way we are would always play out the way we wish they hadn't, but in retrospect brought us even closer. I do think I'll be happy with Ryan one day but as many people say, "things have to get worse before they get better."
Ryan saved me in so many ways this summer. He took me out when I needed to escape my own emotions. We went to eat places, went to amusement parks, movies, even golf courses. He said that when everything presented itself in an orderly way that we would be together. He was hiding behind words he didn't even know the meaning of. I should've known from then that everything would go to hell, that life would get in the way, or the road blocks as I said earlier. I lied to myself because of all the hurt I took, I thought I deserved everything. Oh naïve, little me.
(3)Every Night its Fireworks (Flashback)
"So are you guy's cousins?"
"Nope"
"Friends?"
God I wish I knew sweetie
"Yeah. Kind of"
I wished Deryck would have done all the talking when introducing me to his cousin and his girlfriend. I actually knew Todd's girlfriend from French class my freshman year, but we introduced ourselves like idiot's anyway. We both looked at each other while Deryck and Todd talked about useless things and gave each other a look that said. "Why do we hang out with these weirdo's?" I think Todd thought I was the Deryck's chick of the moment, the way he joked around with me made me feel uncomfortable and easy going all at the same time. Oxymoron much? From what I hear Todd has that affect on people. We made jokes, we hung out, he told me how white I am because I couldn't remember who lisa lisa was. (Deryck makes fun of me because he's half Indian and half black. It makes him feel good about himself.) We have many close calls that night but nothing too bad happens because Ryan and everything that happened that tragic weekend is still swimming around in my mind. Funny how everything had happened almost two weeks ago and I was still uneasy. I'm trying to thwart off Ryan's attempt to talk to me while keeping with the conversation. I made a rookie mistake because Deryck ended up looking over my shoulder and discovering everything about Ryan and me. It sucked. Eventually we leave Todd and his girlfriend to go back to our group of friends where Daniel is still sulking over the loss of my best friend as his girlfriend (months later may I add). The actual celebration at the lake ends, while Deryck ignores me the rest of the night. While every night is fireworks, I sure took off like them. See what I did there?
Thank me Later is so relevant to life. Thanks Drake.
(4)Illegal Confessions
Confessions are risky, dangerous, and can cost you everything in a matter of seconds.
If honesty is the best policy then why doesn't it produce an outcome that makes both parties happy?
Ryan and I didn't speak for almost a week after everything that happened. I wish that I had set things straight right there. I wish I hadn't woken, lied to everyone, and left him there only to wake up clueless like I did until I could feel everything. I felt stupid, negligent, and on top of the world.
How can you have those feelings when you can't even remember what happened the night before? Ryan always did have that affect on me.
The week after, I got a call telling me to come out to dinner with him to talk about everything. I didn't want to talk about everything because it meant that I could get hurt, that everything I began to put my heart into could be shattered and taken away. Going to dinner with Ryan meant that I had to put all my feelings on the line. Needless to say, that scared the crap out of me. Everything was on the line. I never liked those odds. Illegal confessions with Ryan being 22 were so not part of a summer deal.
(5)Welcome to the Morning after [Talk]
"You've been like Family to me for years. Are you thinking that this is easy for me, accepting that I messed up with someone that means more to me than one night? It's not easy squeaks. I feel like I took advantage of you."
"I don't. I feel like we were both smashed and it happened despite so many people including you that were suppose to make sure no one else did what you did to me." I was stating the obvious because I was nervous. We were quiet and eating our food for about five minutes before Ryan started up conversation again.
"I'm going to tell Ramsey since this is my fault."
"Why would you do that when you know we were wasted out of our minds?" I reply with pasta in my mouth.
One thing Ryan wasn't in his life is silent, or at a loss for words. He always was ready to say what he needed to whenever he deemed it necessary. Ryan's sudden silence was something I never experienced. It terrified me to death.
"What if I wasn't all that drunk when I crossed that line? What if I knew you were smashed and did it anyway? What if what we did was something I've wanted to do for years? What if it turned out that the only girl who knew me and didn't care about me being the former hometown basketball hero was 16? What if I'm attracted to and fell in love with someone who is 16?"
There was red, nothing in my vision but red the color of blood. Blood was something that I wanted to take from Ryan's veins at this point.
I felt like a fool, like one of those blonde bimbos that gets fooled by everything that a guy says to her a.k.a all of Ryan's previous girlfriend's. I didn't want to be like the rest of Ryan's notches because by all of god's will….
I would be a special notch in that bedpost.
6 Feel that? It's the world coming to an end
I let Ryan convince me of so much while being together.
Together was such a label for us, technically we weren't together at all, but we acted like were, even when we fought. I loved the way Ryan could take me away from everything.
Ryan made me forget about Deryck and everyone that had screwed me in the past.