Disclaimer: I don't own bleach… nor have I ever seen much of it. So please don't kill me for the OOCness.
*Jazzy theme music plays*
Jerry: and hello this is the NEWEST episode of the JERRY SPRINGER SHOW! And today we are featuring DRYER SHEETS!!!
*stage appears and on a couch are a very upset Rukia and Ichigo*
Rukia: You mean Bleach, right?
Jerry: Yeah….. Laundry soap-ANYWAY OFF TO THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS!!!
Ichigo: Why are we here anyway?
Jerry: If you let me get through my intro I will tell you, apple. Anyway-
Ichigo: Did you just call me apple? My name is Ichigo!
Jerry: Apples, Strawberries same difference. So first order of difference, Daddy or baby daddy?
Ichigo: Daddy? I'm obviously in the wrong place. I'm going to get going.
Jerry: NOW HOLD ON BUCKEROO! Have I GOT NEWS FOR YOU!
Ichigo: … what news?
Jerry: Your girlfriends PREGGERS!!!
Ichigo: Girlfriend?? But the only time I did it was with *Gasps and wide eyes to the left at Rukia* WHAT THE FUCK RUKIA!
Rukia: Yeah, I'm pregnant, and I thought that the only sensible way to tell you was through the Jerry Springer show.
Ichigo: Wow! That is sensible. I GOT TO GO! I GOT A BABY TO LOOK AFTER! *Ichigo rushes out*
Rukia: Wait, I didn't get a chance to tell you that you're probably not the father. *looks in his direction* Oh well, he's gone.
Jerry: Well now that blueberry is gone, we have time to bring out the BABYDADDY! *no reaction from audience*….. I SAID 'we have time to bring out the baby daddy!' *still no reaction* ALRIGHT HIT THE CUE! *a guy from sound hits the OOOOOHHHHH button and a chorale of 'OOOHS' are hears throughout the audience* Bring him in boys!!!
*The song 'I am too sexy' stars playing as Byakuya walks down into the comfy chair zone. Byakuya takes a seat next to the blushing Rukia*
Jerry: Alright now what's your name, son?
Byakuya: Byakuya
Jerry: Well I'm just going to call you silverstripes from now on. Is that all right with you, son?
Byakuya: Not really, and calling me son is kind of ironic considering how I am millions of years older than you.
Jerry: ALRIGHT, now silverstripes what do you feel on this whole BABY business?
Byakuya: What baby business?
Jerry: RICOLA! Why don't you tell him?
Rukia: do you mean Rukia?
Jerry: Yeah sure, Now Ricotta why don't you tell him!?
Rukia: Uhmm…. Ok. *turns to face Byakuya* Silverstri- I mean Byakuya. I'm pregnant. And I think the baby is yours.
Byakuya: Well that's awkward, considering I am your adoptive big brother. *sudden sirens go off*
Jerry: INCEST ALERT INCEST ALERT!
Byakuya: Umm… Not real big brother…
Jerry: WHAT WOULD YOUR PARENTS THINK ABOUT THIS!?
Byakuya: One, we don't have parents. Two, it just means I taught her everything I know
Jerry: TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING YOU KNOW!! YOU MEAN SHE WAS A VIRGIN!?!?!? *gasps heard throughout audience*
Rukia: We're not really related.
Jerry: SHUT IT RUMINANT, YOU ARE SICK! *a big black women stands up in the audience*
Women: JERRY I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ALL OF THIS!
Jerry: What do you have to say!?
Women: Well first off my name is Monequisha and I would like to say that this is SICK and WRONG!
Jerry: TELL US ABOUT IT MONEQUISHA!!!
Monequisha: Well first off that baby is going to be mentally retarded, you know after the incest in all.
Byakuya: We're not related.
Monequisha: Its gonna have two big eyes the size of dinner plates-
Rukia: We're not related!
Monequisha: IT'S GOING TO HAVE GREEN SKIN AND A PASTEY COMPLECTION!
Rukia and Byakuya: WE ARE NOT RELATED!!!!!!!!
Rukia: Besides it sounded like you were describing a praying mantis anyways.
*siren goes off again*
Jerry: Is that the incest alarm again? Oh no! This is INTRUDER ALERT!
*Ichigo comes running in dressed as a lumberjack*
Ichigo: I went and got three jobs to support our child, one at the lumberjack yard, the second at the local internet café, and you don't even want to know what I'm doing for the third job.
*Rukia's eyes water*
Rukia: You mean you're doing all this for me?
Ichigo: Well more for our unborn child… But anyway I did the math for the paychecks I am going to get, and by the time our child is 15 I'll be able to buy a house (well more like an apartment) with groceries some weeks and by the time our child is 56 I'll be able to send her through college.
Rukia: Her? *eyes watering even more*
Ichigo: *Run hands through hair whilst glimmering* you know I always wanted a baby girl.
Jerry: I hate to cut in (not really cause you guys were getting annoying) but RonaldMcdonald, why don't you tell our friend Cupcake here what the newest news is!
Rukia: Ronald McDonald?
Ichigo: Cupcake?
Rukia: You know, Ichigo, at first his names were slightly on track you know consistently calling you fruit, and calling me things that in some weird dimension could sound like Rukia, now he's just off his rocker.
Jerry: WRONG! *Sits down in rocking chair* Now I'm on my rocker!
Byakuya: I'm alone. BUT AT LEAST I'M THE BABY DADDY!
Ichigo: Say whattttt?
Jerry: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE CONTINUATION OF THIS DRAMA ANNNNDDD (drum roll please) Who Rukia's having an affair with on both of them!!!!!!
*Screen goes black*
Ichigo: What the fuuuuckkkk…..