Troubled Times
A/N 1: As usual, I don't own the characters – either Bellisario or Universal does, but since they don't take the characters out to play anymore, I figure I might as well...as long as I put them back where I found them when I'm finished with them.
A/N 2: This story is a little different from most of my previous works, and the inspiration for it actually came from a personal experience. Hope somebody enjoys it – robertwnielsen
Summary – Hawke and Cait experience a lull in their sex life...and Hawke begins to regress to old habits, which only makes the problem worse, putting even more strain on their marriage.
"No, Hawke," Caitlin Hawke said to her husband as they got ready for bed. She could tell what he was thinking, what he wanted, by the look in his eyes—she just didn't feel like giving it to him. Hawke, reading the expression in his wife's eyes, an expression he'd become all too familiar with over the past three weeks; merely turned to face the wall and muttered, "'Night," then quickly turned the lights out.
What is her problem? Stringfellow Hawke asked himself, as he tried to rein his frustration in, along with his hormones. She had never, in the nine years that they had been married, turned him down flat like that, especially since they had gone nearly three weeks without being intimate with each other. At least, she hadn't done it until recently, Hawke said to himself sadly. But tonight is...what? The fourth time this week alone she's turned me away. And, I've got to admit, that hurts, he said to himself as he tried to sleep. I mean, last week was her...period...so I can understand that, fine. But now? It seems like there's been a different excuse every night. About the only excuse I haven't heard is the old 'Not tonight, String—I've got a headache.' But, if that's the way she wants it, I guess...two can play at that game. But, a voice that sounded a lot like Dominic's rang in Hawke's head, you promised. Remember?
Hawke did recall making a promise to both Caitlin and Dom that he wouldn't regress into old habits now that he and Cait were married, and over the past nine years, he'd worked hard, even after Dominic's death, to ensure that didn't happen...but her series of outright rejections hurt him more than he'd ever been hurt in his life...and he figured he was due some payback, after a cold dip in the lake in the morning, followed by a cold shower.
What have I done? Caitlin Hawke said to herself as she watched her husband turn away from her and face the wall. Way to go, Caity girl...you really blew it this time. She and Hawke had been having their problems lately, and Caitlin knew that what she had just done—and, what she'd done numerous times in the past three weeks—would do nothing to change that. I just...I just hope he can forgive me...someday, she said to herself, as a tear ran down her cheek. She knew that sleep would not come easily tonight. But that's nothin' new, she said to herself, considering how poorly I've been sleeping these past three weeks.
When Hawke rose the next morning, he stopped before he went down to the lake and gazed at his wife's face. He didn't have to look hard to find the evidence that she'd spent the majority of the night crying. It's a good thing Dom's not here, Hawke said to himself as he headed downstairs and out to the lake for a quick swim, 'cause he'd take one look at Cait and chew me up one side and down the other, and not care if she was mostly to blame.
Caitlin reached across the bed as she turned, hoping to find her husband still next to her; and was surprised when her hand reached nothing but empty air. Where did he go? Caitlin asked herself as she opened her eyes and discovered Hawke's side of the bed was empty. A bit early for fishing. She got up, slipped on her robe, and went downstairs to look for her husband.
She didn't have to wonder where he was for long. Hawke came through the front door and barely glanced in Caitlin's direction before he headed upstairs for a shower.
You've got nobody to blame for my attitude this morning but yourself, Caitlin, Hawke said to himself as the cold shower water ran over his body. And you know it. And, he added to himself, he'd be damned if he was going to let her off the hook easily. I know I haven't been blameless in the problems we're having, Hawke said to himself as he finished with his shower and dried off, then got dressed; but after last night...The thought died in his mind as he walked downstairs and found Caitlin fixing breakfast, even though by the rule of the house he should have, since he was the first one up.
Breakfast was a strained affair between them, with no words spoken. Even their girls, Sally Anne and Saoirse Marie Hawke, could tell something was not right with their parents, but neither one wanted to say anything. Caitlin could tell her husband was hurting, and she knew from experience that when he felt that way, he tended to withdraw into himself. He's just never done it with me before, she said to herself as they finished eating, and...I've got to admit...that scares me. Finally, she realized that she would have to make the first move. Gently, she laid her hand on Hawke's arm and whispered, "String? I'm...I'm sorry."
Stringfellow heard his wife's whispered apology, but chose to ignore it, instead standing up quickly and heading outside to fish, barely acknowledging his children. He knew she meant what she had said...he just wasn't ready to accept her apology yet. Besides, Caitlin...you know what I always say—actions speak louder than words. He hoped a few more hours' solitude out on the lake would improve his mood, but he wasn't counting on it.
Caitlin realized that she needed to get to work on the breakfast dishes, even though by rights she should have left them for String, considering she had made breakfast even though he was the first one up. I know what he's like when he gets like this, she said to herself as she washed the plates and cups, then dried them and put them away; and if I don't do this...it's not gonna get done. Besides, she said to herself, fighting back a wave of tears, with our marriage hangin' in the balance, the last thing I wanna do is argue the distribution of chores with String. Once she was finished with the morning chore, she quickly went upstairs, put on a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans, and decided to take a walk. Maybe the exercise will do me some good, Caitlin said to herself as she headed off in the direction of her favorite clearing.
A few hours later, Hawke entered the cabin after completing his morning fishing, and found the living area empty, except for Tet. He quickly iced down the fish, then went upstairs, thinking maybe Caitlin was up in the sleeping loft. She does that sometimes, when she gets upset, he said to himself, but realized she was not upstairs. Where did she go? He asked himself as he walked back out the front door of the cabin, noticing Tet taking off shortly afterward. Hawke hesitated, then decided to follow Tet and see where he went.
Caitlin sat, alone until Tet suddenly showed up, in the middle of a clearing that she liked to come to when she needed to think about things. And right now, I've got a lot to think about, she said to herself as she absently toyed with her wedding ring. What must Hawke think of me right now, after what I did last night...and what I've done so many times these past three weeks? I've...I've never hurt him like that...I don't think anybody has. He must hate me, she concluded, then added, and I can't say I blame him...'cause I'm not too crazy about myself right now, either. How could I do that to him? To US? The tears she'd been holding back finally bubbled over, and she began to cry.
Stringfellow, meanwhile, had decided to go for a walk, until he heard Caitlin crying nearby. For a moment, his heart broke into a million pieces, knowing he was the cause of her anguish, then just as quickly, he remembered; I wouldn't have acted that way if she hadn't done what she did. Quietly, he turned on his heel and stalked away, surprised when Tet joined him a few minutes later.
"Yeah," he mumbled to himself as much as anything when he saw the dog's inquisitive gaze. For a good-for-nothing old blue tick hound, as Dom used to call him, Tet sure knows me, Hawke said to himself as he stalked back to the cabin. He knew he couldn't avoid Caitlin forever, especially here, but at the same time, he was not in any hurry to leave. At least, not yet, he said to himself as he approached the cabin.
"String?" Caitlin whispered when she saw Tet get up. She knew there were only a few people Tet usually got up for—their children, Le or Saint John when they visited, String, Dom, and herself. But when she turned in the direction she saw Tet heading, she found nothing, which only made her cry harder.
What am I going to do? Caitlin cried to herself, debating whether or not to follow Tet, knowing he would lead her back to her husband. She knew, after nearly ten years of being married to him, that Hawke was her entire world; and that she couldn't survive without him. But if he's forgotten that, there's no telling what he'll do, she cried to herself. If he doesn't believe in how I feel anymore...then I've gotta make him understand that—that I love him more than anything in this world—all over again. And, I don't know if I can go through that again. She remembered the two years before they had finally gotten together, when Hawke's ignorance of her feelings had nearly driven her out of his life permanently, along with driving her almost completely nuts. Now, she felt as if her actions recently, including her decision last night, had begun to drive him back to his self-imposed exile. It's already started, she said to herself sadly, especially if that was Hawke that made Tet get up, like I think it was. Well. I guess I know what I have to do, she said to herself; the only question is how to do it.
I guess...I guess she just doesn't want me anymore, String said to himself sadly as he carried his cello out to his favorite spot and began to play—a mournful Prokofiev piece that perfectly matched his mood. Even seeing the eagle fly past and pluck a fish out of the lake did little to improve Hawke's mood, which actually seemed to worsen with every note he played. He felt the tears well up in his eyes, and didn't fight them, instead allowing them to roll down his face as he continued to play. Fortunately, Hawke said to himself, Le's back with Saint John now...otherwise I'd have to explain this to him...and I'm not sure I understand it myself. And...how are we gonna explain this to the kids? He knew that both he and Caitlin were equally at fault in the deterioration of their marriage, he just didn't know how to fix it. Or, even if it can be fixed, Hawke lamented to himself. It may already be too late. That thought caused Hawke to literally freeze. No. It...it can't be too late. Not after everything we've been through together. If I've learned anything these last nine years, it's...it's that Caitlin and I belong together. There's got to be something I can do to fix this, Hawke said to himself as a plan began to form in his mind, and...I think I know just what to do. Quickly, he went back into the cabin and made a quick call on the CB radio.
Caitlin had no idea how long she'd sat there crying, but by the time she felt like she'd cried her final tear, she looked at her wrist watch and found it was nearly six o'clock in the evening. Have I really sat here that long? She wondered to herself as she dusted her jeans off and prepared to head back to the cabin. I guess...I guess I'll have to face him at some point, she said to herself sadly as she walked back, and be ready for whatever happens.
By the time he saw her coming back, Stringfellow had made a decision—no matter how much it hurt him, no matter how much it hurt them, he wouldn't resist or fight any decision Caitlin might have made while she had been gone. Fortunately, Saint John had made an emergency supply run, and String was able to have steaks grilling. He'd also made arrangements with Saint John to take their kids tomorrow, so that he and Caitlin could have some time alone, to try to work out their problems. It's the least I could do...For all I know, this could be our last night together, String said to himself, whatever together means anymore. For his part, Saint John had been all too happy to take the girls. "I'll take them and Le to the zoo...maybe get some ice cream...lots of fun stuff," he had said. "You two need this time. She still loves you, String. Don't doubt that, all right?"
"I'll try, Sinj," Hawke had said, but he wondered whether he could believe that.
"Hawke." Caitlin said emotionlessly as she finished her walk. He could see the tear streaks down her face, and felt a pang of regret in his heart, knowing that he'd put them there. He wondered if Caitlin saw the tear marks down his own face, and what she thought about them.
"Cait." He replied as he stood up to go inside and put his cello away, squashing the part of him that screamed at him to take his wife in his arms and forgive her for the events of the previous evening. That wouldn't accomplish anything, he said to himself sadly.
Caitlin's eyes were immediately drawn to the tear marks that ran down her husband's face, and her heart broke into a million pieces, knowing that she'd put them there. How could I have done this to him? To US? She asked herself again, knowing that she had no reason to blame him for what seemed to have gone so terribly wrong. Even though he probably blames himself, she said to herself as they ate dinner, again in silence, barely even looking at each other. Caitlin didn't even notice that Hawke had grilled steaks for dinner, something he only did when they were fighting, and usually if he was at fault.
How much longer are you going to do this, String? Caitlin asked herself as she got up from the table. I can't take your silence much longer. Finally, she stopped him before he went outside and said, "String. Please, talk to me."
"What's there to say, Cait?" String saw how his words had affected his wife, and his heart broke yet again. "I just have to deal with the fact that..."
"Deal with the fact that...what, Hawke?" She noticed that he turned his back on her as he said it, and almost instinctively knew what he was thinking. "That...it's over?"
Startled that Caitlin would put it that way, Hawke turned back to her and demanded, "Is that it? Is that what you think?"
"I don't...I don't know, Hawke," she stammered, relieved that at least her question had generated some response in her husband. "All I know is...things are a mess right now...and it's my fault." She admitted, knowing that was only part of the truth. It's not all my fault, Caitlin said to herself sadly, but if saying it makes String feel better, then that's what I have to do.
"No, Cait...it's not all your fault," Hawke said as he put his hands on her shoulders, which caused Caitlin to involuntarily jump at the contact, the first real physical contact she'd allowed from him in nearly three weeks. "I know I haven't been the easiest person in the world to get along with...but at least...at least I never turned you down the way you did to me last night...and the way you've done a few other times recently," Stringfellow sighed, knowing how much that statement would hurt his wife, yet knowing it was the truth. Just then, he heard their daughters, Sally Anne and Saoirse Marie Hawke, begin to cry, and Caitlin hurried to their room to see what was the matter with her children. As if I don't have enough problems already, she said to herself when she noticed String hadn't followed her.
"Mommy, what's wrong with Daddy?" Saoirse demanded.
"Why do you think something's wrong with Daddy?" Caitlin queried their daughter.
"Mommy...we're six...we're not stupid. We watched you at breakfast, then at dinner, and you've been outside most of the day. So...what's wrong with Daddy?" Saoirse repeated her demand.
"It's a grown-up thing, sweetheart," Caitlin answered, trying to soothe her six-year-old daughters. They were almost as good at reading her emotions as String was, and Caitlin knew that hiding the fact that she and their daddy weren't getting along would not go over well with their children.
"Does Daddy not like you again, Mommy?" Sally Anne asked, even as String stopped just outside the doorway, and Saoirse saw him, but said nothing.
"I don't know, Sally Anne," Caitlin answered with tears streaming down her face again. "I really don't know."
"Why is Daddy being so dumb again?" Sally Anne demanded. "Doesn't Daddy love you anymore?" At that, Stringfellow knew he had to do something, he just didn't know what.
"Well, Sally Anne...Daddy's a man...and you know men can be really dumb sometimes, especially about people," Caitlin said with a chuckle, hoping that her attempt at humor would distract her children.
"He shouldn't be dumb about you anymore, Mommy," Sally Anne insisted, her blue eyes darkening. "Maybe Daddy just...just doesn't care about us anymore. I—I'm scared, Mommy."
"Me too, Sally Anne," Caitlin admitted, hugging her close, as Saoirse Marie cried next to them. "Me, too."
That does it, Stringfellow said to himself as he marched into the girls' bedroom and confronted their children. "Now, you listen to me, Sally Anne...and you too, Saoirse Marie. I still care about both of you...and about Mommy. It's like she said, Sally Anne...it's a grown-up thing. We'll explain it to you...someday," he continued, adding to himself, someday, when you're 30...or maybe, 40. Heck, it might take us that long to figure it out.
"Hawke. I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't know you'd followed me," Caitlin said, a small smile tugging at her lips as she gazed up at her husband.
"I hadn't planned on it...but now, I'm glad I did," String replied with a small smile of his own, one that was not lost on either of his children. "Sally Anne...Saoirse Marie, you listen to me for a minute. Whatever problems your Mommy and I are having, it doesn't mean that we don't love you. No matter what happens with Mommy and me, we will both always love you. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Daddy," both girls replied in unison.
"Good." Hawke couldn't help but notice a strange look in Caitlin's eyes when he was talking to their children...a look he hadn't seen for some time. Finally, he said, "Now, you two get to bed, and we'll talk about this in the morning, all right?"
"G'night, Daddy!" Both girls squealed, at least temporarily placated. "G'night, Mommy!"
"Good night, both of you," Caitlin said sadly, as she kissed her children good night and walked out of their bedroom, quickly catching up with Hawke.
"Thanks, String," she mumbled, and he was surprised at her use of his first name.
"Any time, Caitlin," he replied. "Any particular reason you were looking at me that way?"
"What way, Hawke?" She answered him, knowing full well the way she'd looked at him, and the response she'd hoped she'd get from him.
"Come on, Cait, don't play games with me...you know better than that," Hawke said, and his tone of voice turned decidedly colder. Just as quickly, his voice warmed again, and he said, "You were looking at me like...like you used to. All I missed seeing was that impish grin of yours."
"Funny you should say that, Hawke...'cause I haven't seen that boyish grin of yours for a while, either," Caitlin replied, gazing into her husband's eyes for what seemed to her to be the first time in a long time. "Have we...have we gotten so caught up with everything that we've forgotten about us?"
"You might just be on to something there, Cait," Hawke replied with a smile. "I know I haven't been the most attentive husband in the world...and I guess I understand why that might have turned you off towards me. That's what I meant at dinner when I said 'I just have to face the fact that...' you didn't let me finish. I was going to say, 'I just have to face the fact that...you don't want me, anymore.'"
"What?" Caitlin demanded, thankful that by now they were in the sleeping loft, where their children could not hear them, as she felt a sudden, and ever-growing need to smack her husband across the side of his head. "Why would you think I don't want you anymore, Hawke?"
"It seems obvious, don't you think? You don't initiate anything romantic anymore, and when I try, like happened last night, you turn me away. What the hell am I supposed to think?" Hawke demanded, his eyes turning that icy cold shade of blue that Caitlin had learned long ago she hated. She also knew that what her husband had said was true—she had been less romantic than she used to be, and had been turning her husband away more frequently when he tried to be romantic with her.
"I know, Hawke...and all I can do is apologize again," Caitlin said, knowing her words would do little to soothe her husband's anger. "I know my words won't mean much, but know this, Stringfellow Hawke—I love you, with everything I have...everything I am. With all my heart, mind, body, and soul. That hasn't changed in all the time I've known you...and, it never will," she said with conviction, hoping her eyes would communicate what her voice could not.
"I appreciate what you've said, Cait...and I feel the same way about you," Hawke said with a sigh, as if he were admitting defeat. Caitlin watched his face for any sign that he believed her statements, that he would accept her meager words for the apology they were intended as, and that they could go on, as they undressed for bed. "But..."
Caitlin knew what he was going to say before he could even utter the words. "You don't even need to say it—'cause I know, Hawke. 'Actions speak louder than words.' Right?"
"Right," Hawke said, as he turned to face the wall again. "'Night."
"'Night, Hawke," Caitlin said, then added in a whisper, "I love you."
Caitlin found herself staring at her husband's back, and she knew that her last statement had gone unheard, or at least unacknowledged, by him. Sighing, she closed her eyes and tried to sleep, knowing she needed to sleep some after the previous few nights, but also knowing that sleep would once again be difficult. Then again, she said to herself as she began running her fingers across her husband's body, he's the one who always says actions speak louder than words...well...I'll just make him put his money where his big mouth is! Let's see what he thinks of these actions, she grinned to herself, knowing that if this worked, they'd both sleep a lot easier.
What the heck? Stringfellow Hawke was jolted out of the beginnings of sleep when he felt something running across his back...then his chest...and further south. Slowly, he turned to his wife, who continued her ministrations without a word...until Hawke finally understood, reacted, and to Caitlin's great relief, responded in kind.
"Cait?"
"Hmm?"
"What brought that on?" Hawke asked, gazing into the blue-green eyes of his wife.
"Isn't it obvious, you lunkhead?" Caitlin demanded, noting with great relief that her husband's eyes had returned to their familiar icy blue warmth. "You're the one who always says 'actions speak louder than words', aren't you, Hawke?" Caitlin demanded, and punctuated it by further querying, "Well?"
The blood that should have been supplying Hawke's brain hadn't quite returned there yet, so all he could manage was, "Huh?"
Caitlin looked her husband square in the eyes, and the impish grin she wore spoke volumes. "Those actions...they loud enough for you?"
String responded with the boyish grin he reserved for his wife, as he felt the blood finally reach his brain. "Oh, yeah, Cait...they were definitely loud enough," he replied, laughing, even as he pulled their bodies close together again.
"You know I love you, right, Hawke?"
"Yeah, Cait...I know. I just wish I didn't get so...obsessed about things...you know?" Hawke sighed as he considered his next words. "I'm...I'm sorry, Cait."
"Sorry? What do you have to be sorry about?"
"For ever doubting the way you feel about me...and, the way I feel about you," Hawke replied. "I promise you, Caitlin Hawke, I will never make that mistake again."
"Same goes for me, Stringfellow Hawke," Caitlin replied as she snuggled back into his chest. "We both need to do better. But just for the record, Hawke...I want you...forever, and always. Never forget that. And I forgive you, Hawke...for everything," she said with a contented sigh.
"I want you too, Cait...forever, and always. And I hope you never forget that, either. I forgive you, too, Caitlin...for everything," Stringfellow replied as he ran his fingers through her long red tresses, then gave her one final deep, loving kiss before he closed his eyes to sleep. It had been a difficult time, Hawke knew, and more than likely not the last one they would face as their marriage continued to grow. But, we'll face them all, just like we face everything else...together. Hawke pulled his wife's body tight against his own, content to stay like that as long as possible, or at least until their daughters came to wake them up the next morning, with questions about what had gone on after they had gone to sleep. Hawke decided right then, and knew he would discuss it with Caitlin later, that he would do everything possible to ensure that the events of the past three weeks would never happen again.