STORY BACKGROUND
These events occur after Chapter 2 of my story, "Tell Me No Lies".
Night has fallen again and they are lying in bed holding each other. The terrace's lights have turned themselves on and are casting a dim glow into the room so that John and Kem can just barely make out each other's silhouettes.
John is gently stroking Kem's shoulder and it feels so natural to him. It feels as if he had always been meant to be next to her.
They haven't spoken in what feels like hours, and John would have thought that she was sleeping. However, he knows her well enough that he can tell from the movement of her chest as she inhales and exhales that she is still awake.
A question forms in his mind and its intensity causes him to involuntarily grind his lower jaw against his upper teeth.
It is something that he always does whenever he feels agitated or nervous.
He allows the silence to continue until finally the question pushes itself up to his lips so that he can no longer hold it back.
"Why did you leave?" he asks softly almost absently.
He is still holding her, but he has stopped stroking her shoulder.
She chooses to not respond.
A simple thought enters her mind. Maybe if I don't say anything, he'll think that I am sleeping. However, she knows that such a hope is pointless and besides it's a coward's way out.
She remains silent for a long moment and then says quietly, "I couldn't stay."
His jaw twitches again.
After all this time apart, was this still the best answer that she could give him, he wonders incredulously?
He finds that he is disappointed. He had hoped that she would finally be able to share her feelings with him. That she would trust him enough to involve him in that part of her...of their lives. Instead, she has chosen to shut him out yet again.
He bites his lower lip pensively and closes his eyes.
I am disappointed, he thinks dejectedly.
But am I disappointed enough that I should reconsider my feelings for this woman? Should I reconsider a relationship with her?, he wonders.
He had desperately wanted a partner in life who could be honest about all of her thoughts and her emotions, but maybe that was an unrealistic expectation. Maybe everybody needs to have a secret part of themselves that can never be shared with anyone.
It will be okay, he thinks to himself. It may not be what I really wanted but I can learn to live with it, he decides. He is still unhappy but he thinks that's life…maybe.
He begins to caress her shoulder again to let her know that her answer is okay with him.
"It should have been me", she says quietly.
The sudden sound of her voice in the room startles him and he tenses involuntarily.
He stops caressing her shoulder and the crease of a frown begins to appear on his forehead as he tries to understand what she just said. His mind is still trying to process her statement when she speaks again.
"I should have been the one to die", she says in a distant sounding voice that is without heat or self-pity.
He opens his mouth to tell her that her statement is absurd, but she interrupts him.
"I was his mother. It was my job to protect him and feed him. It was my job to notice if he was harming himself…to know that something was wrong", she says as she starts to cry bitter tears. "And I failed him. When he needed me most, I failed you and I failed him."
"Joshua", she cries out as she addresses the memory of her son, "I am so sorry. I…", and her voice falters as she is reduced to quiet sobs.
Even though she hasn't pulled away from him, John feels like she is a thousand miles away in her thoughts.
He kisses the top of her head softly and pulls her closer to him. He is struggling to find the words that will comfort her.
At last, he is beginning to understand her reasoning even if he does not agree with her statement.
It didn't matter to her if no one blamed her for what had happened or if he didn't blame her. She blamed herself.
Maybe it was part of her maternal instinct. After all, it was not unusual for mothers to give their lives to protect those of their children. Nor was it unusual for them to feel guilty if they lived but their children did not.
He realizes that this guilt is what Kem has been experiencing since Josh's death.
Josh had died inside of her and she hadn't even noticed. He had been in danger and she had not been able to save him even though she had survived.
He closes his eyes again and when he reopens them his face is twisted in an expression of desperation and anguish. It would be no comfort to her for him to say that he loved her and that Josh's death was not her fault. Such words often sound hollow and rehearsed in the face of such guilt.
He rests his chin on her head as he searches for the right thing to say. Oh God, please give me the right thing to say, he prays silently.
And then suddenly it comes to him, and like a cold breeze on a clear night, it refreshes his soul.
He moves back a bit from her. He takes one of his hands and firmly yet gently tilts her chin up so that she can she his eyes.
This is the first time that he has seen her face since they started talking. It is stained with tears and her eyes are clinched shut in obvious pain.
"My love, open your eyes", he says softly but with enough authority in his voice that she eventually does as he says.
"You may have been his mother", he says slowly, "but I was his father and it was my job to protect you both."
She starts to shake her head no, but he holds her chin more firmly so that she is not allowed to complete the motion.
He makes sure that she is looking in his eyes before he continues.
"If it is true that you, as his mother, should have known that he was in danger. Then I, as his father, should have known that you both were in danger. I felt that something may have been wrong, but I never dreamed." He stops talking as his becomes overwhelmed by his tears.
She starts to cry again as well. She looks down from his face and then pulls him tightly to her.
And for the first time, they share their grief for Joshua together.