Prior
***
In a heavy downpour, amidst of the murky night, there were shiny black streams that disappeared into the pine trees and muddy unpaved roads or some of the delightful gravel covered ones.
There was nothing in the world quite like rolling over tiny rocks and flinging them into your own undercarriage, except for being turned over and shot with a machine gun on a low setting.
"I hate gravel." Bonecrusher's voice drifted through the silence.
They had been on the road for three days, them being Bonecrusher, Brawl, Frenzy and Barricade. It was a routine scouting mission on an alien planet. Meanwhile Starscream was elsewhere, they didn't know where he was or what he was doing and Blackout was helping him with it.
"H-h-hungry." Frenzy complained, breaking the silence.
The statement went completely ignored. Sitting in Barricades front passenger seat, Frenzy fidgeted around, eventually repeating his question.
"H-h-hungry, Barri-Barri!"
"Just where am I supposed to get Energon? We're in the middle of some redneck backwoods in Primus-knows-where!"
"Uhh.. We're in Oregon."
"Shut up, Brawl."
"S-still h-hungry."
"You shut up, too."
"I hate rain."
Driving in silence, they only sounds they heard was the hard thrum of the rain hitting the ground and the soft thump of the gravel ricocheting off their, as Bonecrusher said, 'tender bits'.
Barricade slowed down after a clap of thunder lit the sky, while Brawl and Bonecrusher immediately transformed. They stood there in root mode pointing their guns at the sky like idiots. Barricade decided to enlighten them to this fact.
"Do we have to go through this every time we encounter the weather?" He asked. "You two slag head's thought the rain was an Autobot sabotage."
"It coulda been…" Brawl mumbled.
"Fragging weather." Bonecrusher said. "Sounding like a gun shot, it's lucky I didn't shoot it!"
"I'm sure the weather is grateful for that."
"H-h-hungry."
Transforming, he dumped the Cassetticon out on the ground.
"Frenzy. Unless you want to nibble on a pine tree, we've got nothing to eat."
Anther clap of thunder and a sharp scream interrupted Frenzy's reply.
Whirling around, Barricade spotted Bonecrusher stagger back into a pine tree, smoke pouring out of his joints. Brawl stood to the side, staring dumbly at the larger mech.
"Well…" Barricade sighed. "This just got complicated. Brawl, do you know anything about first aid?"
The dumb look he received was answer enough.
"Frenzy?"
"I kn-know how t-to realign a c-circuit."
"What does that do?"
"I d-dunno."
"Dammit!" Barricade cursed and walked over to the larger mech, who was unconscious. He poked him with a stick.
"Really? Neither of you know anything?"
"Um.. CPR?"
"Brawl, that's human first aid."
"But it looks easy."
"I don't think it's going to work here. I'm calling Starscream."
***
"What is it?!" Starscream screeched into his Comm. "Don't you know I'm busy?"
"Busy doing what? And we have a problem down here."
"Hmmp! I've got problems of my own."
"Bonecrusher was electrocuted."
Starscream was silent for a moment before yelling into his Comm. link.
"How in the Fragging pit did he do that in the middle of a Fragging forest?!"
"Uh… The sky.. Kinda did it."
"Barricade. Did you even try to come up with a good excuse?"
"I'm not lying! The sky got all puffy and dark, then it started shooting electricity all over. This planet is messed up. And Bonecrusher needs medical attention."
"Do I look like Hook? No, I don't. Call someone else."
"What? Who? Bonecrusher was the only medic we brought with us you idiot!"
Starscream bristled at the insult and snapped the Comm. link shut.
"Hmmp!"
***
"He hung up on me." Barricade stared dumbly at his Comm.
Unsure of what to do now, he stared up at the clearing sky. At least he didn't have to worry about someone else getting electrocuted. This Planet had one heck of a defense system.
"W-what about the i-i-internet?"
"What about it?" He asked, turning to Frenzy.
"R-repair instru-structions, maybe?"
"Worth a shot I guess…"
Transforming, he opened his passenger door for the Cassetticon. Barricade could link to the internet through internal means, but it left his CPU open to attacks by human virus's and spam. Barricade didn't want his epitaph to read: Here lies Barricade, he died because of a pop up window mid-battle.
Trotting over, Frenzy hopped in and opened the laptop.
"W-what do I s-search for?"
"Uh… Try "do it yourself repairs' and 'construction equipment'."
Several hundred thousand searches popped up on the screen.
"Uh.. W-which?"
"Just… Pick one. I'm not entirely sure of what we're looking for."
Scanning several pages, Frenzy clicked on one entitled 'how to repair the engine'.
They read the article twice.
"Does he even have those parts?" asked Barricade finally.
"I-i-i don't e-even know w-what it's t-talking about!"
Scrolling down, Frenzy game across a Youtube link.
Still confused or in need of clarification? Click the link below for a free video demonstration!
Frenzy clicked the link. The new page loaded in .000000002 seconds, and it showed a small box in the upper corner of the page with a 'play' button.
"W-why do we h-have a screen i-inside a s-screen?"
"Humans are idiots. And nothing on this planet seems to have a lot of logic."
Clicking 'play', the two sat back to watch the demonstration.
What they saw nearly sent their CPU's crashing.
While it was average for a human to see maintenance done to vehicles, such as opening the hood or empting a oil plate, it translated into cybertronian as XXX porn and was borderline necrophilia.
Frenzy snapped the laptop closed and the two were silent.
"If his self repair systems can't handle it, he's a dead mech."
***
Starscream activated his Comm. link. After contacting Cybertron, he had gotten a single reinforcement medic to be shipped out to earth. He was a tiny mech called Doctor. Uncreative, but to the point. He was not meant for battle nor to be a field medic, but he could be useful for when his idiotic soldiers decided to hurt themselves.
Barricade, Starscream thought, should kiss the ground I walk on for being such a benevolent and caring leader.
***
Barricade hesitantly answered his Comm.
"Yes?"
"Ah, Barricade! I have the most generous news for you. A new medic will be arriving shortly."
"Thank Primus!"
"You really should be thanking me."
"For what? You're the 'leader', you should have thought to bring an extra Medic in the first place."
"Hmmph!" click.
"He just hung up on me again."
"M-most 'cons w-would pay money t-to be able to d-do that."
***
Doctor arrived like a tiny basketball sized comet, narrowly missing Blackout who stood at the rendezvous to collect him.
Standing up in his protoform and clicking irritably to himself, he scoured the junkyard for an alt-mode.
He chose a coffee machine.
Blackout transformed, deciding not to ask.
"C'mon, your first patient is waiting for you.
***
Brawl was glad to hear the familiar sound of rotors approaching. After a uncomfortable silence between Barricade and Frenzy, he was looking forward to something breaking the tension.
Blackout landed on the gravel road, slicing a few treetops while doing so. Doctor leapt out, immediately pinpointing the injured mech.
"What is that?" Barricade pointed to the tiny mech, hardly believing this was their 'replacement medic'.
"He's Doctor." Was all Blackout said, taking to the skies in a hurry.
"Huh." Barricade watched him go. "That's odd, he usually sticks around forever."
Barricade pulled up Doctor's file.
Doctor
Grade A-9 medic
Root mode: Minicon
Class: Experimental Mech
Creators: Hook (constructicon Grade 10) Soundwave (Communicon Grade 10)
Form basis: Decepticon Frenzy
CPU basis: Autobot Ratchet
Faction: Decepticon
"Frag." Just what he needed, another Frenzy with the mind of the evil Autobot medic. Soundwave was cruel, and apparently had a really sadistic sense of humor.
Closing the file, he watched the minicon work on Bonecrusher. It amazed him that the tiny Con could actually do what he was designed to do, being that he was so tiny. But the minicon managed to weave in and out of Bonecrusher's armor, fixing who-knows-what and chattering to himself.
Suddenly, the small mech scampered over to the Mustang.
"Patient Bonecrusher is fully operational, he shall wake from stasis lock in 13 minutes 30.4 seconds."
"That's goo-" Thwang.
Barricade stared at Doctor, too shocked to do anything.
"Did you just throw a wrench at me?!"
"You!" Doctor pointed at him. "Should have known better! Any search, even a quick one, on lightning could have prevented this."
"Me?! I'm not even the leader of this scout party!"
This time, Barricade ducked.
"I l-like him a-already."
"Shut up, Frenzy!"
***
(A/N: Does anyone know the name of the tiny mech that did brain surgery on Sam in ROTF? I'm calling him 'Doctor' but if he has a name please tell me.)