Caretaker
Ayala watched as his friend, his captain, walked into the cargo bay. He followed Chakotay with his eyes as he made his way to each member of his crew. Sometimes he would speak with them and sometimes he would simply touch their shoulder but whatever he did it seemed to make almost everyone feel better. It had always amazed him that despite the most trying situation Chakotay somehow managed to radiate a sense of calm. But Ayala knew what no one else knew. He was the only one who knew the truth. Although Chakotay was calm on the outside, his insides were in constant turmoil. His heart ached with an emptiness that not even deep friendship or a willing body in bed could ease.
After what looked like a difficult encounter with Seska, Chakotay made his way to the far corner where Ayala sat. Chakotay leaned against the wall and sank down to join his friend on the floor. He tilted his head back against the cool wall and closed his eyes. He took a moment to thank the spirits for escaping certain death yet again. The only problem was that he wasn't sure if the alternative was a better choice.
Ayala heard Chakotay sigh as he rubbed his temples. "Seska?"
Chakotay smirked and answered, "Among other things." Chakotay took one long last breath and opened his eyes. He looked out at his people scattered around the room. Some were sitting and talking while others had reluctantly accepted the blankets and bedrolls and were resting. "How are they really?"
"It's hard to tell. Most of them seem very angry."
Chakotay turned toward Seska who was stewing in the far corner. "Tell me about it."
"What were you two talking about? You didn't seem to enjoy the conversation."
Chakotay once again raised his hands to his head and rubbed his temples. "She was trying to outline for me the plans she and some others had made for taking over the ship."
Ayala shifted to get a better look at her. There was something about her that bothered him. He thought for awhile that it was her closeness with Chakotay but now he was sure it was more than that. She made him uneasy. "Is that what you want to do?"
"Yes…..no….I don't know." Chakotay folded his arms and dropped them along with his head to rest on his knees. A few minutes passed before he spoke again. "She offered me the position of First Officer."
"Holy Shit!" Ayala exclaimed.
Chakotay's head whipped up as he heard his friend's voice carry beyond their corner of the room. "Shh! That is not something I want everyone to know. I'm still sorting through the conversation."
Ayala turned sideways to effectively isolate the both of them from the rest of the crew. "What did she say?"
Chakotay straightened up and wearily rested his head against the wall once again. "She wants the two crews to work together. Voyager lost over one third of its crew and cannot function without replacements. She wants everyone to be given a position according to their area of expertise," Chakotay eyed Ayala, "even security."
Ayala didn't even attempt to hide his surprise.
"And she wants me as her second in command."
"What about Tuvok?"
Chakotay laughed. "In other words, why me?" Ayala smiled sheepishly. "Don't feel bad. I asked the same question. The Captain believes that if the crews are going to blend together it is important that I have a position of authority."
"How will she justify to her crew the fact that they will have to answer to a Maquis rebel?"
"She reminded me that I am extremely qualified for the job. She pointed out my graduation from Starfleet Academy and my expertise in the area of tactics. She is firm in the belief that together we can make this one crew," Chakotay looked directly into the eyes of his longtime friend as he finished his thoughts, "a Starfleet crew."
"Oh." They sat in comfortable silence as each man digested the tumultuous events of the past few days. Finally, Ayala returned to their previous conversation. "Do you trust her?"
"I want to. I desperately want to. I'm tired of living moment to moment, scrounging for food, supplies," he turned to face his friend, "and recruits." Ayala smiled sadly remembering right along with Chakotay all the people they lost in defense of their cause. "But mostly I am tired on being angry."
"Do you think you'll find happiness here?"
"It's not happiness I want. It's peace."
"Okay, do you think you can find peace on a Starfleet vessel?"
Chakotay leaned to his left and looked past his friend. His eyes saw all the people who had depended on him for so long. They are people who lived through atrocities that would have destroyed even the strongest Starfleet officer. Maybe it was time they all sought peace. "Yes, I think we all can. The hard part will be convincing everyone that it is the right thing to do." He returned his back to the wall and closed his eyes. Ayala did the same. Neither man would sleep but they both knew they needed rest. In a beleaguered voice Chakotay asked his trusted friend one last question. "Are you with me?"
"Always."
Chakotay smiled a genuine smile for the first time in days as his mind drifted away. Maybe sleep was a good idea after all.