Inspired by very very secret diaries series of Lord of the Rings. Here is my take on Harry Potter World. Enjoy.

Jaderising.

Twisted Diary of Severus Snape Year 1 Entry 1

Got a raise today. Bloody 1 galleon!

But bragged it all about it to Quirrell, but he was all into S&M, so decided not to talk to him unless absolutely have to. Hope he doesn't get mad and started to stutter in front of me.  Such a put off. 

Potter was starring at me, so gave him my evil eyes, mentally telling him to back off, I am not into you. And amazingly, he looked away, looking all defeated. Serves him right, he think he's all that, a boy celebrity and all.

Well…I don't like celebrities.  And especially Dumbledore, he thinks he's all mighty wizard in the world and all, but he really doesn't have ching-ga-ching to go with it. I mean, only 1 galleon raise! 

Although, did see him wear big diamond encrusted medal, at least…hope it was a medal, around his neck with his purple nightie, trying to show off his lean thighs in front of the mirror the other night. 

Now, if he didn't have money, where did he get all that bling bling? Eh?

Things to consider: money or love? Better yet, old with money or young and broke. Hmmmm….

Entry 2

Still can't get Dumbledore's nightie out of my head.  Think I need to spend that galleon on my sleeping draught from Pomfrey.

Swerved my robe dramatically and exited from my last class. Think it's neat. How the black billowing behind me… Make me look taller and dashing.

Entry 3

Pomfrey had been very possessive of her draught for some reason. She won't want to part with it, until I told her 'I know what you did last summer.' And funny enough, she gave all of her sleeping draught without the galleon I offered before.

Wondered what exactly she did last summer, until the sleep took me.

Didn't dream about Dumbledore's purple nightie. Go sleepying draught. Go whatever Pomfrey did last summer.

Purple nightie 0. Sleeping draught 1.

Entry 4

Woke up late today. Stupid sleepying draught. Should tell Pomfrey to make another one. She seemed to be very nervous around me, as if I would know what exactly she did last summer.

Teaching classes had been boring, boring, and oh yeah, boring.  Longbottom blew up his potion, yet, again.  Think he fancies me, because he kept watching me and not paying attention to his work.  It would have flattered me, that he was fancing me, but he's so not my type.  He's last name says it all, long bottom.  I like tight butt. I think Malfoy has that, mmmm.

Almost blew my own potion. Bad Snape. Must pay attention to one's own work, especially in front of Malfoy.  Don't want him to think I am not cool 2 da bone.

Yo! Sup, homie.

Okay, that didn't go too well with him. He looked at me and went, "Are you okay, Professor?" and had to all go, "Hmm, what?" then had to cover it up, so yelled, "Mr. POTTER! Detention!"

To my luck, Potter was doing something bad, because his face went all red and didn't even complain about giving him detention. And better yet, Malfoy looked really pleased at me. So I took off 10 points from Gryffindors.

Hmmm…new sleeping potion didn't work at all this time. I dreamed of the purple nightie again. And this time Dumbledore was crossing and uncrossing his legs.  Must tell Pomfrey again that I knew what she did last summer, so she will make the proper one.

Note to self: Ewwww….never ever want to see Dumbledore doing that in real life, much less my own dream.

Purple nightie 1 Sleepying draught 1.

Entry 5

Quirrell is stalking me.  I shouldn't have swerved my robe in front of him, I knew he would fall for my dramatic mystic.  He said won't stop until I give in.  NEVER!

Pomfrey gave me proper sleepying draught this time. And she even gave me free bandages. For what? Didn't know and didn't ask.

Cornered by Quirrell again, and had to tell him I wasn't into a man with strange smell, who wears cloths around his head. And he said he was very flexible. I told him to get lost. Then he said he could go down on me. So told him, if he could bring me the troll as gift, then I could think about it.  He looked all sad and went away. Felt smug at my quick thought, until I saw Potter and his friends.

This time Potter gave me the evil eye first, so I gave him another detention for being insolent, even though Malfoy wasn't there. Then Weasley hissed with his red hair standing up in the end, so I gave them both detentions. Granger didn't give me the evil eye, so I let her go. Swerved my robe dramatically and exited.

Didn't dream of the purple nightie again. Go sleepying draught again.

Purple nightie 1. Sleepying draught 2.

Entry 30

It was Halloween, and was eating happily until Quirrell came in, yelling about troll in the dungeon. Damn him.  Didn't think he could do it, but he did. He fainted in front of Dumbledore, but not before giving me that suggestive look. 

Got up as fast as could, and ran toward 3rd floor.  It was forbidden, so Quirrell won't dare following me. Went into the wrong room. Got bitten by stupid three headed dog.  Couldn't go to Pomfrey. Afraid she might poison me for all the sleepying draught I got from her for black mailing her.

Filch tried to jump me when cried out in pain(he must be mad that Quirrell likes me, well who can resist my robe swerving?).  But thank Merlin, Potter came in. So happy to get rid of Filch, didn't give Potter any detention.

My bed smells like stupid troll. Had to kick Quirrell out of my bed with force. V. bitter stinking night.

Decided not to swerve my robe any more.

Purple nightie 7. Sleepying draught 21.

Entry 40

Quirrell cornered me again. Tried to convince me that I would like whips and leather. Told him I don't like being hit on. He mistook that for I didn't like whips and leather. Stupid man. I grab his shirts so I could correct him, but then Filch came with this hurt eyes, and he said there was a student out on the night, so I had to help him search the ground.

Filch was glaring at Quirrell. Tried to get away from those two in excuse that I would check the dungeon, but they both wanted to come with me, because they were afraid of the dark. Was pure torture.

Think I see possible tension between them. Better stay out of the lovers' way from now on. Good thing, Filch is a squid.

Practiced my robe swerving three times, just to make sure I know how to do it.

Purple nightie 8. Sleepying draught 30.

Pomfrey refused to make me any more free draughts. Guessed my threats about what she did last summer was getting old. Must think of new motto. V. tired. Too tired to think about Malfoy.

Entry 41

Quirrell is not talking to me. Neither is Filch. V. nervous. Looking back constantly after my shoulder for both of them. Afraid that they will both jump me and chain me up in the dungeon.

Was too preoccupied that, didn't give as many detentions to Potter as would have liked. Malfoy looked all sulky. Thought about giving Malfoy the password to the kitchen, but decided against it. Filch was still on my tail but he's not talking to me. He might take it out on Malfoy.

Dreamed about whips and creams. Haven't come up with new motto for Pomfrey. She's refusing to see me.

Whips and creams 1. New motto 0.

Entry 56

Quirrell sat close to me during the Quidditch match.  He said he forgave me. When said I didn't care, he got all nutty and accused me of having pervy thoughts about one of my students. Denied it, but didn't think he believed me, cuz he started to chant death threats at Potter.

Being a good professor, decided to save Potter from his unfortunate death. Quirrell, lesser wizard than I, decided to cast fire on my robe instead. He knew how much I liked my new robe. That sod.

V. sad about my new robe. Complained to Dumbledore, but he began to uncross his leg, so ran out of his office.

Practice my robe swerving again. I know, should stop, but can't.  Am addicted.

Whips and creams with Dumbledore's legs 1. New motto 0.

Entry 59

Tried to convince Quirrell that Potter wasn't my fancy, but he got all jealous and refused to listen to me.  Afraid for Potter's life now, even though that git gave me evil eyes whenever I was around from the first day.

Oh no, maybe Potter read something from his father's old diary? If James put something about that night at the shack, will kill him again.

Had to practice my robe swerving to calm my nerve.

Purple nightie is back with vengeance. Lost count. Still no new motto for Pomfrey. She's looking smug. Have to think of something quick.

Entry 60

I still know what you did last summer.

Enuf said. Pomfrey gave me all the draughts she had in her storage. Go me.

Pomfrey 0. New motto 1.

Entry 67

Had to be a Quidditch referee so Quirrell won't kill Potter. Double points for me, cuz Malfoy thought, was there to help Slytherins win. Took his compliments with stride. Told him I liked his new hair cut.  Damn Quirrell was watching, so couldn't talk to him long.

Went into Hogwarts to get away from Quirrell, after the match was over, but Filch was coming my way. Had to duck away, got a cramp in my leg from crouching under the long table. Could finally come out during dinner.

All the seats were taken except the one next to Dumbledore, so with a sigh, sat next to him.  Tried hard not to think about his purple nightie. Gave Potter another evil eye with a sneer this time. God, he doesn't give up. Might let Quirrell kill him after all.

Purple nightie 10. Sleepying potions 45.

Entry 89

2 tired 2 write.

Entry 90

Exhausted.

Entry 91

Had to watch Mrs. Norris, because Filch was finally talking to me. Didn't want to be on his bad side, even he was a squid, he could still throw a mean punch. Kept falling asleep without taking my potions.

Note to self: never piss off Filch.

Purple nightie 100. Sleeping potions forgotten: 90.

Entry 100

I think Malfoy likes me. Go me and my stylish robe swerving. Need to practice being more dramatic. Afraid I am losing my touch.

Entry 101

I think Hagrid likes me.

Note to self: Stop my swerving in front of him.

Entry 102

I hate Potter. Gave him another detention in front of Malfoy.

Entry 103

Blah. Blah. Blah. Don't want to write in this stupid diary.

Entry 104

No, you are no stupid. It's not you. It's me. I am sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrry.

Entry 105

Had to change my diary. Last one was too emotional. Spend whole day transferring my entries to this one.

Entry 127

School's over. Thank god.

Quirrell's gone. Apparently he had another man's face on his head. Voldie's face to be exact.  V. put off. Good thing I never gave in. Knew it the moment he said he liked S&M.

Potter's been knocked out for couple of days. I asked him if Voldie wore the black nightie, but he didn't know what I was talking about, since he was high with drug.  Wonder if I said too much. Should have asked Pomfrey to lower his drug dose, but didn't want to say 'I still know what you did last summer' again.

Filch is chummy with me again, after I baby-sitted his stupid cat for months. He slipped me something before I left for the summer.  Checked when I got to my beach house.

It was a black nightie.

Guess Filch wanted me instead of Quirrell all along. That makes more sense now that I think about it.

I mean why would he keep Mrs. Norris wear a mask that looks strangely like my face? He said it was for her facial, but purrrr-lease.

Decided Malfoy was a passing infatuation. Felt better about my sanity.

Purple nightie since I left school 0.  (Huuuraaahh!!!!) 

Mrs. Norris with my face 3. (Think Merlin's punishing me.)

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