A Monster Under The Bed
A Monster under the Bed
ATaintedStarsNightmare
Disclaimer: I don't own anything except for plot.
'Cause there's a monster,
Living under my bed,
Whispering in my ear
And there's an angel,
With a hand on my head
She say I got nothing to fear'
-Santana featuring Everlast.
Ellie's Point of view
School had just ended, but I didn't want it to. It gave me something to do, before I stepped in the darkness that was my life at home. My friends didn't notice anything; I planned to keep it that way. They didn't suspect a thing, but why would they? I was just a side character in their wonderful lives. An alcoholic mother was just the beginning of the darkness that consumed my life. I found a way out, that made the emotional pain seem to slip away for a few seconds. Yes, it leaves marks but oddly they made me proud. I wasted time around the park, watching the smiling kids and remember back to a time when I felt that way.
It's true; I didn't want to scratch my skin bloody every night. I tried to stop a few times, but the nights with that monster under my bed are becoming worse. I can't control my actions anymore, when that monster whispers into my ear, I know the battle has just begun. I have no angel to protect me. I simply turn up my portable CD player and let the music take control.
Turn her over
A candle is lit, I see through her
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me
Curse me sold her
The poison that runs it's course through her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over
Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over
Called her over
And asked her if she was improving
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here
Hex me told her
I dreamt of a devil that knew her
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over
Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over - all over
I lay quiet
Waiting for her voice to say
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"
Scold me failed her
If only I'd held on tighter to her
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me
Watch me lose her
It's almost like losing myself
Give her my soul
And let them take somebody else get away from me
Watch me fault her
You're living like a disaster
She said kill me faster
With strawberry gashes all over all over me
I feel like the music is talking to me, I stare down at my arm that was covered in an arm warmer. I run my fingers over the material; I could feel the scabs under it. I look at the dark sky, and I'm guessing it about eight or so. Mom is going to be worried, but mostly mad. Sighing as I pick up my bag and turned off my CD player, letting the sounds of this place weave around me. The house I shared with my mom was coming into view; I just took a deep breath. I wondered what would happen tonight. Would she be passed out? Or would be awake and beat me with a leather belt?
That's what nobody knew; she would take out her anger on me. That's where I got most of my marks, her leather belt and my instruments of relief helped the marks stand out against the background of my pale white skin. Relief came settling in when I heard her loud snores coming from the living room and the sounds of the world fade out as I gently closed the door. I snuck past her and went into my room. The only thing running through my mind was the lyric, 'She said kill me faster'. I just stared at the drawer where I kept my instruments of my un-doing. Would the monster get me tonight? It wouldn't be unusual to suddenly get the feeling to relieve stress while I was happily sleeping and in turn waking up. I silently prayed to myself, please Lord, give me the strength to stop for once, if only for tonight.
I started getting ready for bed, turning my mind on autopilot. My thoughts were trying to be bright, but turned dark without hesitation. The relief I wanted, I would only get from seeing the blood pool around the sink. I knew that someday I would end up being saved or end up dying. I just wanted to stop and take a breather, but life was just moving too fast. I was screaming to the world, but it just wasn't listening. As I put on my pajamas, I slumped on the floor and let my hand run across my latest loss against myself. A deranged smile played across my lips, I knew tonight, maybe, I could make the monster leave once and forever. I wouldn't resort to letting my blood swirl down the drain; I would ignore the monster that lived within myself.
I tried my best, I truly did. It didn't help. I just held out, making me want to scratch out my eyes. It was torrent to watch the ticking clock count off the moments. The closer it got to midnight, the more I felt that monster rear its ugly head, waiting to show up. I finally ended up taking some sleeping meds, and passed out. I slept a dreamless sleep, but it was better then nothing. When the alarm clock sounded, I just got up and dressed, ready to be away from my tools of destruction for a few hours. I knew I would have to be helped sometime, that I couldn't just take sleeping pills to ignore the urges. I didn't have anyone else to count on to save my life. I needed myself, but I just didn't have the courage to say no, I would have to find an angel.
I ran to the washroom at school. I checked under the stalls, the urge was overcoming me. My breath was catching in my throat, I couldn't breathe. This was the only pain I control. And I was going to allow myself to feel this. I guess it was punishment, I was just a stupid little girl and this was just my punishment to be able to feel normal. I pulled out my 'travel-size' razor. Small enough to take with me and not get caught, but enough to deal the damage I was seeking. I had survived the whole night, but that constant urge was getting louder and more violent. I pulled out my little friend, marveling at my broken reflection shining back at me. I run my finger across the top, feeling the letters and lightly running my hand across the razor's edge. It slightly sliced open the first layer of skin. It relieved the monster inside of me just a tiny bit. I ran it across my skin, making new marks against the ones that were already there. I gave a sigh of relief; a roll of pleasure ran through me. I let the razor hit the sink and little droplets of my blood popped against the porcelain, making it seem almost fun in a deranged way. In a way, I was bleeding just to know I was alive.
I heard the washroom door open and I dropped my salvation. It was Paige, out of everyone at Degrassi, it had to be her! I didn't even turn to run; I wanted her to see me. I waited for her gasp of shock and disgust. I would revel in it; I wanted her to see how imperfect I was. I wanted someone else to pay for my mistakes, but it seems she was an angel.
"Ellie! Are you alright hon?" Her voice sounded as if she cared, but she couldn't! I was Elie, that random Goth girl with the drunk for a mother. She grabbed paper towels and covered my last masterpiece. Her eyes held worry; it was something I wasn't used to. "Sweetie, whatever is going on, we can talk about it." She truly sounded as if she cared what happened to me. She gave me a light kiss on the forehead. She looked me straight in the eyes.
"You've got nothing to fear."
Those words took a minute to sink in. They were wonderful to hear. My voice was so soft and full of emotion. "How can you be so sure?" By now tears found their way on my face, I looked down at the floor. She put her hand under my chin, making me look straight in the eyes.
"I said so. I'm always around if you need anything. Do you have any bandages?" I showed her where I kept the bandages, and she applied them. I was still in shock to learn someone cared. As she wrapped the bandages around my wrist, thoughts raced around in my head. When she finished she gave my wrist a kiss and then a light one on my lips.
"You've got nothing to fear."
Somehow those words gave me the courage to tell the monster to shove off and leave. Whenever I felt weak, I knew I could always call her. I ended beating the monster that lived inside me. All thanks to Paige. One thought that ran across my mind: I never even got to thank her properly for saving my life. She was my angel.
Yes, that's my first Elie one shot. I hope you enjoyed it. I think it could have been better, but that's just me. I have been thinking about for a while, and I finally got it written.
And no, the monster isnt real, its within herself.
Questions, suggestions, or comments?
-atsn