Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to "The Chronicles of Narnia" nor anything else pertaining thereto, and this story is not endorsed in any way by the C.S. Lewis Estate nor by anyone else or anything else related to it.

This story is more of an attempt to make the reader laugh than to make him think; Accordingly, do not try to read deep or allegorical meanings into this story or attempt to make sense of certain aspects of it which will no doubt appear illogical. The point is to have a good time reading it, the compassing of which I hope you will heartily enjoy.

The Tarkaan's Journey

Written by "Beaver's Lantern"

One day was I sitting in my elaborate garden in Tashbaan, and thinking about the wonders of the world, when I saw in front of me, between two of the trees in my garden, a door, as it were, such that I could see a strange black road through the door. I was greatly amazed by this strange sight, and without thinking, walked through the door to see further what might be the cause of this unusual spectacle. As soon as I had done so, however, the door vanished, and I saw that I was indeed stranded on the other side. This other side looked to me like a desert land, for there was not much vegetation there about. I thought over the words of the poets to ascertain what I should do in such circumstances, and at long last saw that another door to get back to my country must be around, but it would likely require a journey to find it. Moreover, I saw that I did not have much choice in the matter, for has not one of the poets written that it is better to strive for a goal, no matter how improbable its accomplishment, than to perish for want of water in the desert on account of perverse laziness?

Then did I see that I would require a means of conveyance for my journey, so I inquired around until a person offered to sell me an object of travel which was known locally by the name 'Ford F-150'. Accordingly, I bought it for 247 gold crescents, although the man seemed manifoldly surprised at this means of payment. I indeed ascertained the reason for this later, as it appears that the people of this land use for money a form of paper upon which are drawn pictures of famous people who have accomplished great things. Then did I start up the vehicle which I had so recently acquired, and took to the road. It was not long before I saw I would require more fuel to continue my journey, but no place selling such appeared to my searching eyes.

However, I at long last found that for which I had been earnestly seeking. But when I saw the price of gas they were charging at the pump, then did the sun become dark in my eyes, and my Ford F-150 lost its savor. Nevertheless, I filled up without complaint, for has not one of the poets said that as life is filled with misfortunes which we cannot rectify, that we, for our own benefit, should bear them without undue complaint? And I began to sympathize with the plight of the ruler of the empire, Arnold Tarkaan, in that he was ruler in such a difficult time. For has not one of the poets also said that in much bounty there is peace, but in lean times there is rebellion and war? And so pleased was I not to be in his shoes that the sun lightened in my eyes once again. But I saw that many persons under heaven would inevitably use credit to pay for the rising cost of fuel, or take out loans to acquire a more fuel-efficient vehicle, and I remembered what an enlightened poet had once written: That in a multitude of car loans and credit cards the people perish.

A short time later, as I was driving along one of the principle highways through the vast estates of the venerable and enlightened Arnold Tarkaan (the estates' name, as I later learned, was 'California'), I observed the residences of the many subjects of the Tarkaan. There were many large houses, and I was amazed at the wealth of the entire estate. But wonderful feelings never last, as a poet said, and even as I was going down the road at the exhilarating rate of 75 miles per hour, I remembered that the amount of fuel I burned up overcoming the air drag of my noble truck was proportional to its velocity squared. Then did the world become dark in my eyes, such that the darkness was greater than any previous darkness (even the darkness over the cost of fuel) for I perceived that the fuel I burned overcoming air drag was 9 times greater at 75 MPH than at 25 MPH. Moreover I was exceedingly vexed, for I saw that I would be guilty of wasting time if I drove so slowly, but that I would be guilty of wasting fuel and crescents if I went so fast. Then I realized the truth of the poet's words, that "you cannot be perfect, no matter how hard you try, for perfection is out of your grasp". Some hours later, as I was driving in the left hand lane, I perceived a truck approaching me, and the magnitude of the truck was immense, such that it blotted out the sun, and the world became temporarily darkened in my eyes (Although it was already so dark from my vexation over the air drag of my vehicle that I noticed it not), and I also saw that it was traveling in an opposite direction to that which I was going, and moreover that it was in the same lane of the road as I was driving. Then I saw that I had but one recourse to save my life, so I leaped out the driver's side door, and rolled to a stop on the ground. I recovered just in time to see my noble truck completely destroyed by the monster bearing down on it. Then was I glad; for I saw that with the insurance money gained thereby, I would be able to buy a smaller vehicle and the cost of fuel would become abysmally low compared to what I had been paying, and the sun lightened in my eyes again, and my food regained its flavor (Or at least became I at that moment exceedingly hungry, for in truth I had no food). However, I was most wroth with the drivers of the monster that they should have had the audacity to plot my assassination in broad daylight in such a brazen and discourteous manner, so I drew my saber and rushed upon them. As I suspected, they were all cowards and fled, some rushing hither, and some thither, and all yelling that they would call Arnold Tarkaan's police such that I should be arrested and punished for my crimes, which they incoherently shouted included traffic violations, attempted murder, road rage, wanton and premeditated destruction of private property, and multiple instances of assault and battery. As I was not aware of any such crimes that I had committed, I saw that the accident had obviously had an unfortunate effect upon their minds, such that they were all now manifestly insane. However, since my conscience was blameless, I paid no heed to them and continued on my way on foot. I saw that the air was clear, and the sky was blue, and the birds singing made my heart feel glad; and I walked as if in a trance, for the brightness of the day was the delight of my eyes.

Then after some time did I become weary from the effects of the hot sun beating down upon me as I traveled, and the more I reflected on other matters to distract my mind, the more did my mind rebel and continue obstinately to think about that substance which is one of the four basic elements, water. I perceived thereby that my mind lacked discipline to the magnitude I should have desired, and I thereby made a note to work upon mental exercises when I should be back at home again. At long last I saw a large house by the side of the road, and, thinking they may have refreshments that I could purchase, I went inside. But no sooner had I stepped inside the door when I wished exceedingly that I had not; for the place had a floor covered in ice, which many people were sliding around on. At first I was shocked to a tremendous degree that ice should exist in such a hot place, but then I immediately gained control of mind and saw that obviously I had stumbled upon a den of witches and magicians whose powerful spells had effected so as to create a frozen pond inside this enchanted house. Moreover I realized that they must be practicing this form of their despicable arts so as to be able to suddenly create frozen ponds of ice on the roads and cause vehicles to fly off and the inhabitants thereof to be injured or killed in such ways as would make them to perish most miserably. In consequence, I realized that I must destroy this house of evil and slay all those involved, lest harm come to innocent people by the spells and enchantments of these magicians and sorceresses. Accordingly, I drew my saber and charged, yelling a cry that one of my old teachers back in the days of my youth had taught me, which he said was useful in warding off evil spells. To my great delight, the counter-spell worked wonders, such that all the witches and sorcerers stood stock still on the ice with their mouths open, unable to move while I rushed upon them. They were apparently unable to counter me in any serious way, for although they soon found a way to move around again, they immediately fled to all points of the compass, and as a result I was unable to catch them for they were swift on the ice, while I was comparatively rather slow. However, I proceeded to burn the enchanted place to the ground, which I am confident put an end to the mischief they were planning (may the curse of Tash be upon them forever, and may the sun be perpetually darkened in their eyes). For my part, I took one of the vehicles parked at the place as my share of the spoils of the battle, and as it was a small car, I was pleased that I would have no further need to pour out gold like water in order to keep driving it. I pulled out of the parking lot, the glowing cinders of the building behind me, and a strange phenomenon playing itself out upon the horizon. Indeed many will not believe me when I tell them this, but I would be willing to swear by Tash that I saw many flashing blue and red lights far away, but seemingly moving closer, and coming, as it were, down the road.

After the occurrences related above, as I drove along the dusty road, I saw an enraged man. He was standing by the side of the road, pummeling his car with a tire iron, for the vehicle was immobile and the air conditioning unit dysfunctional, and as a consequence the man had been in the hot sun for a long time and had been affected in strange and perverse ways such that the enlightenment had gone from him, and his mind had become like to that of a dumb beast. I pulled over to the side of the road and called out to him in a loud voice, "Desist, my good sir, from the dismemberment and manifold mutilation of thy noble vehicle, for has not one of the gifted poets said that 'When the horse is lame, the owner is likely to blame?' " But the man listened not to my counsel, and continued most vigorously in his unprofitable labor, and so I drove on, perceiving him to probably be one of those men from one of the neighboring barbarous countries not included in the illimitable and enlightened empire I was currently in, perhaps the place they call Las Vegas (the poetry of that place revolves principally around uselessly squandering money, so I immediately knew it had to be inhabited by uncivilized barbarians).

As I continued my journey, the deeds of this barbarian put me in the mind to reflect instead upon the noble attributes of the Tisroc (may he live forever), and as I was thus engaged, I drove by the very object for which I had been searching. Indeed, so deep in thought was I that I nearly missed it, but the blessing of Tash was upon me, and I saw a strange gate between two short scrubby trees, such that I could see Tashbaan through this gate, but if I walked around behind the gate, I could see neither the gate nor anything else except the trees. I perceived that this gate was for the purpose of bringing me back to my own land, and accordingly I drove through this gate and right out onto the road leading up to the great city of Tashbaan.

Then, however, did a peculiar thing occur. For I was standing the next moment on the road, and my car was nowhere to be found. Seeing this, I walked back to my house and then out into my garden. I sat down there again in the lovely shade of the trees, and reflected that although my memories were all I had left with me from my visit to this strange and wonderful land, I could endeavor to chronicle what I saw here, for as one of the poets has said, "Should not enlightened men write down what they have seen, for others to read and also share in the wisdom gained thereby?" And so I began to write.

However, when I looked in my bag a moment later for my pen and paper, I saw that I had indeed brought something back from the strange land I had just visited: A laptop computer. And so I proceeded to write down this chronicle instead using an enlightened method which involves writing it down electronically using a program known as Microsoft Word. The spell checker included therein was at first the delight of my eyes, but when I saw that it recommended I change the spelling of our great capital 'Tashbaan' to 'Trashcan', then was I deeply offended and nearly swore a solemn oath that, should I ever go back to that strange land, I would bring an army with me and utterly destroy the facilities of the company responsible for creating this barbarous word processing software. However, my senses returned to me in time, and I realized that the company had probably never heard of our great capital, so I decided on second consideration to give them the benefit of the doubt. For has not a poet said that men of enlightenment should make every effort to deal fairly with those of barbarian lands? I realized, moreover, that such channels of thought would hinder my ability to tell this story, and so I pushed them far from the reaches of my conscious mind, focusing instead on writing down the story which I had so recently experienced, so that other people could read and wonder at the things I saw…