Bbybyrd's A/Ns: Sorry for it being long:
Disclaimer: I oh so don't own Star Trek or any of the characters. Ownership of the original universe and characters goes to the Great Bird of the Galaxy, the late great Mr. Gene Roddenberry. Ownership of the alt universe and characters goes to the uber wonderful JJ Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman.
Major Credit: goes to the uber uber awesome and gracious Spirktrekker42. Thank you for letting me use your owner's guide and maintenance manual as a guide and template for this manual. Also THANK YOU for the inspiration to write finally and for kudos and suggestions.
Other credits: My family and friends and bamf kitties: Thank you for keeping me grounded and for all the support throughout the years!
This is my first fan fic ever! This is almost un-beta'd and all mistakes are mine. Please review with any constructive criticism. Much appreciated!
A/N from Spirktrekker42's page: The original Owner's Guide belongs to Theresa Green. It first appeared in the LOTR fandom, but many others have used the original template in other fandoms for other characters. Now on with the show!
Not quite sorry: Anamaria is a character in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl played by Ms. Saldana.
Lieutenant Uhura: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a LIEUTENANT NYOTA UHURA unit!
Follow the guidelines in this manual and your UHURA will give you decades of quality performance.
INSTALLATION
When you receive your UHURA unit, give her the communication headset/ear piece and turn up the heat a few degrees (after all the time spent with SPOCK unit, she has grown used to the heat). It is not necessary to remove any clothing from the unit. That's the SPOCK unit's job.
Your UHURA should arrive fully assembled and charged. Please check that you have all her accessories (see below) and that you have been issued with the correct edition of the UHURA unit.
(a) UHURA 1.0 (copyright Roddenberry/Nichols, 1966)
(b) UHURA 2.0 (copyright Abrams/Saldana, 2009)
Note: This Owner's Manual refers to UHURA 2.0, bearing a strong resemblance to one Zoe Saldana.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
Name: Nyota Uhura (Swahili for Star and Freedom)
Rank: Lieutenant
Starship: U.S.S. Enterprise
Home Planet: Earth
Place of Birth: United States of Africa
Manufacturers: U'mbha and Mr. Uhura
Height: 5'7"
Weight: insufficient data/none of your business
Hair Color: Black
Eyes: Brown
OPERATING PROCEDURE
Your UHURA unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. Her controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in almost any Federation member language (including Standard, Vulcan, Russian, etc.) or few of the Non-Federation languages including all three dialects of Romulan.
Remember that your UHURA unit is not only aesthetically pleasing but has multiple functions:
Xenolinguistics
Your UHURA unit has near genius level knowledge of xenolinguistics. She is proficient in 83% of the Federation languages and a few of Non-federation languages. One of the few languages the UHURA unit v. 1.0 is not good at speaking in is Klingon. It's bad. Really bad.
Drive and determination:
Your UHURA unit is one driven and determined unit. Speaking the languages might be enough for any other communication officers but it is not enough for your UHURA. She can build, repair, and upgrade communication stations, communicators, and Universal Translators thanks to her Advanced Acoustical Engineering courses. Assigned to the USS Farragut? Not when she's good enough for the Flagship of the Federation. UHURA has not a problem standing up to anyone, even the SPOCK unit, to get what she wants.
Musical Talent:
Your UHURA unit is gifted with a wonderful voice and ability to play the Vulcan Lyre beautifully. Sit down and enjoy whenever you can.
Combat:
Your UHURA is trained in the basics of hand to hand combat and weaponry as is any Starfleet officer. She is very, very capable of verbal sparring though. She can try to stop an uneven fight, put you in your place or make you feel two inches tall if you irritate her. Just ask the KIRK unit.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS
You will find that your UHURA is compatible with most other humans (see exception note below) and other beings, especially with the SPOCK unit. Exercise extreme caution when trying to pair up UHURA with any female units. Make sure her switch is at the "femslash" setting as she is automatically set to the "het" setting. Your UHURA can also be paired up with the SCOTTY unit (only after a break up with the SPOCK unit).
The maintenance of a SPOCK unit as an attachment to a UHURA unit is generally not problematic after the first few hours. The UHURA and SPOCK models have three modes of interaction:
(a) Business
(b) Friendly
(c) Romantic
WARNING: It is essential that both the UHURA and SPOCK units be set to the same interaction mode. If the SPOCK model is set to "Business" while the UHURA model is set to "Romantic", you will have an irritated Vulcan and a very messy break-up.
Exception Note: The KIRK v. 2.0 and UHURA v. 2.0 units do not get along at all at this time. To your UHURA, the KIRK unit is a drunken animal screwing hick who cheated on her boyfriend's test, does some crazy stuff unbecoming a Starfleet officer, and will not stop flirting with her and/or her boyfriend. Until they find some common ground with each other, limit the interaction between these two to as little as possible.
ACCESSORIES
The items with which your UHURA comes equipped depend on which edition of the communication officer you have purchased.
UHURA 1.0: Wears female red Support Services Starfleet uniform dress (very barely covers everything), black pantyhose, boots, and black modesty underwear cover.
UHURA 2.0: Wears female red cadet uniform shirt and skirt or female red Support Services Starfleet uniform dress with a black undershirt (covers everything), socks and boots.
Both editions are equipped with bras, underwear, earrings, hair accessories, communication ear pieces, and beautiful smiles.
CLEANING
Your new UHURA unit prefers water baths with scented oils added. She also requires special body and face moisturizers and makeup. Hey, she might be a Starfleet Officer but she still likes to feel like a woman and look nice.
LUBRICATION
To ensure that your UHURA remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your UHURA unit can be provided by the SPOCK unit, sold separately.
RECHARGING
After long periods of use, your UHURA's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your human:
Food:
Your UHURA unit likes to eat well balanced meals to keep her energy up and her weight down. She also likes traditional Vulcan dishes as well as African ones. Make sure that there is chocolate available or there will be hell to pay.
Drink:
If your UHURA's energy is almost spent, give her plenty of water or coffee to drink. Try to keep the Jack shots from her. She doesn't need them and she never gets to finish them.
Sleep
Your UHURA needs a solid six hours of sleep to function but can do on three hours if she can make it up later. The addition of the SPOCK unit to sleeping function may encourage or delay sleep or both.
REPROGRAMMING
The UHURA 2.0 can be upgraded to include new languages and updates on the communication station.
It is possible to reprogram the UHURA 1.0 to speak better Klingon. Otherwise, she was already programmed with outstanding beauty, seductive voice, and inspiring women and African Americans to go out into space.
SECURITY
Thanks to the popularity of the UHURA unit (both versions), it essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your communication officer:
* Have your UHURA micro-chipped. You might want to have the SPOCK unit do it. He might get jealous if any other male unit is around his mate.
* Do not leave your UHURA unattended in public.
* Do not lend your UHURA to anyone (e.g. Space Hippies and Mirror Sulu).
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: When will my UHURA and KIRK units stop making snarky remarks and giving dirty looks to each other?
A: Maybe in a year or two or a shared near-death experience, they will know each other well enough to joke and respect each other. Until then, follow the earlier section's warning. Please, before one of the units gets damaged, physically or mentally, beyond repair.
Q: Why does my UHURA unit and SPOCK unit keep touching their index and middle fingers together?
A: That is the only acceptable public way Vulcans show love and appreciation towards their mates.
Q: Why then do they go into a turbo lift and stop it in-between decks?
A: That is when she is showing him a Human way of love, appreciation, and comfort towards her mate. Just remind them that actions in the turbo lift can be recorded and accessed by the Engineering Department.
TROUBLE SHOOTING
Problem: Your UHURA unit suddenly starts yelling about a Captain and a ship and starts wanting to punch someone.
Solution: If the KIRK unit hasn't grabbed your UHURA unit's chest (by accident of course), you have been issued an ANAMARIA unit. We will be glad to exchange her for no extra charge. Please do hurry. The ANAMARIA unit has a thing of punching Captains and it won't matter if it is Sparrow or KIRK.
Problem: My UHURA unit is going all moody, she complains of burning up, and says she needs to be with her bondmate.
Solution: If she isn't going through early menopause, your SPOCK unit is going through the every-seven- years Vulcan Mating Cycle known as Pon Farr. Make sure they have a room with a lock that's supplied with three to seven days' worth of food, water, clean sheets, and several changes of clothes and let them have at it. Have the MCCOY unit schedule them an appointment in Sickbay afterwards.
ADDITIONAL INFO
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at mailing address:
Starfleet Academy
PO BOX 1701
EARTH
SAN FRANCISCO, CA 94129
THE END
Thanks for reading!