Disclamer: I don't own anything. All rights belong to Lucasfilm and Disney. This is a parody and is not to be taken seriously.
This is NOT a script. It is a story written in the present tense and narrated by a third person. It has quotation marks. Scripts don't.
Warning: Contains mild language and drug references.
Opening Crawl:
Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute, but no one seriously gives a sh-t.
Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy and stupid Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo, because they are sure that Nubians cannot survive without imported Nuttella.
While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events and thus fulfilling the requirement for idiot politicians who do nothing, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly (and illegally) dispatched two Jedi Knights (and not Master Yoda), the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...
Dramatic ship flies past screen.
Pilot 1: "Why do all Star Wars movies have to begin with this sh-t?"
Pilot 2: "I don't know. It's tradition. Kind of like saying 'I have a bad feeling about this' and 'May the Force be with you'."
Pilot 1: "Hopefully those lines won't be said in this movie. I've had enough of tradition."
Short Jedi: "I have a bad feeling about this, Master."
Tall Jedi: "It'll be fine, the Force is with us."
Pilot 1: "Dammit!"
Short Jedi: "Master, why do we have to wear these hoods? The only people watching this in 2015 are nerds who have seen this at least 50 times. They already know that I'm Obi-Wan and you're Qui-Gon."
Qui-Gon: "Shut up! Don't reveal your identity yet! And even if they know, these hoods make us look as badass as Batman."
Obi-Wan: "You trained Batman, right?"
Qui-Gon: "Yes I did, but then he betrayed me, so now I'm stuck with you."
The ship lands inside the Trade Federation ship. The two Jedi get out and are greeted by a droid.
TC-14: "Hello! I am a clear rip off of C-3PO. Please, follow me."
They go into the conference room and sit. TC-14 tells the Vice-Viceroy about their arrival. Vice-Vicerory tells the Viceroy.
Viceroy: "Jedi? Kill them."
Vice-Viceroy: "One of them is Bryan Mills."
Viceroy pales.
Viceroy: "He will find us and he will kill us! Quick, get them drunk while we contact the Emper... I mean Lord Sidious."
TC-14 brings in shot glasses.
Qui-Gon: "You know, I was the shot champion back in Jedi school."
Obi-Wan: "Let's go, old man!"
They start chugging shots. Meanwhile, Sidious is talking to Viceroy.
Sidious: "They're drunk, right? Blow up their ship, gas the conference room, and then send in battle droids to clean them up."
Viceroy: "My lord, why don't we just send in a few droidekas, lock the conference room, and then gas it? They will be dead in a few minutes."
Sidious: "Shut up! Do you know anything at all about the plot? No, you don't, you worthless imbecile!"
Viceroy is crouched in fear.
Viceroy: "Yes, my lord, we will do as you say."
Sidious: "Good. Now if you excuse me, I have to go get high at the club."
Transmission is cut.
Vice-Viceroy: "Damn, that guy's scarier than the Nyan Cat!"
Viceroy shudders.
Viceroy: "Nothing is as scary as the Nyan Cat! (Turns to the sky and yells) WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU RAINBOW FARTING FELINE?! WHY WON'T YOU STAY OUT OF MY MIND?!"
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are visibly drunk.
Obi-Wan (drunkly dancing): "Yo, ho, ho, it's a space pirate's life for me!"
An explosion is heard in the distance. Gas starts pouring in.
Qui-Gon: "Did you put LSD in my drink again, Obi-Wan?"
Obi-Wan: "I swear, Master, that was a one-time thing! Plus, I know you liked it."
Qui-Gon: "Yesh, I kinda did."
Obi-Wan (waving hand over nose): "Those Trade Federation pigs are really hitting the burritos!"
Qui-Gon: "What do you expect? There's a Taco Bell only a mile from here. They probably got takeout."
Obi-Wan: "What kind of burrito makes your farts turn green?"
Qui-Gon gets slapped by the Force.
Qui-Gon (eyes widened): "OMFG OBI! They're trying to kill us with gas!"
They take out lightsabers.
Obi-Wan (grinning): "Feast your eyes, nerds."
The doors open. Droids start shooting.
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan (charging): "FOR BACON!"
Droids: "Oh, sh-t."
Droids try to run, but are cut down by the Jedi.
Qui-Gon: "Since they tried to kill us, let's go and steal their burritos."
Obi-Wan: "Yeah, hopefully they got them Doritos shells."
The Jedi go to the main control room. The blast doors are closed. Qui-Gon takes out his lightsaber and tries to cut through.
Viceroy: "OMG, they're gonna break in! Send out the droidekas!"
Qui-Gon: "I want your burritos!"
Two droidekas roll in.
Droideka: "They see us rolling, they be hating."
Obi-Wan: "Master! Destroyers! And they have energy shields!"
Qui-Gon: "Just use the Force to push them away, you idiot!"
Droideka: "You can't. The plot does not allow it."
Qui-Gon: "Damn you screenwriter! Now we have to go into the air vent!"
They run away. Viceroy receives transmission from Queen Amidala.
Queen (in weird robot voice): "Did the badass ambassadors come and kick your scaly behinds all the way to South Dakota yet?"
Viceroy (poker face): "No. Your only option is to read and agree to the terms and conditions. Otherwise we'll stay here forever. We have a Taco Bell close by, you know."
Queen (in weird robot voice): "I read it, and do not accept. It will sacrifice the freedom of my people or something or the other."
Viceroy: "Then you leave us no option. We will invade your planet with our tin cans and force you to accept our EULA."
Queen makes a rude hand gesture and cuts transmission.
Viceroy: "She actually read the terms and conditions! Who even does that?!"
Vice-Viceroy: "I know, right?!"
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are crawling through the vent. Qui-Gon sees an army.
Qui-Gon: "It's an invasion force! Let's sneak on separate ships and meet on Naboo. We'll decide what to do."
Obi-Wan: "But Master, why don't we just steal a ship, blow this floating magnet out of the sky, and then make an epic escape and return to Coruscant as heroes?"
Qui-Gon: "Shut up, Obi-Wan! We need to stretch this movie somehow! Plus, we haven't had an epic lightsaber fight yet."
Obi-Wan: "True dat."
Qui-Gon: "Why the hell are we talking in this air duct?"
Obi-Wan: "I have no idea."
They jump out of the duct and stow away on separate ships.
Obi-Wan: "Dammit! No inflight entertainment! Hopefully they don't serve that sh-tty airline food."
All right, what did you think? Drop a review of your thoughts and ideas, and I'll update soon! Thanks for reading!