Author: Maul boy/Who was that painted sith anyways?/Groda/MouseCruiser_007
"*I* am Maul boy. This is Groda, my loyal bodyguard."(I have handmaidens too, ya know)
Rating: PG, mild language
Disclaimer: You know the drill: not mine, I don't get no money, so leave me alone... Oh
yeah, and, All of the Star Wars characters in my story have numerous obvious character
flaws. I know they're not *really* like that, it was done on purpose, so don't get
your knickers all in bunch...
Reviews: Pwetty pwetty pweez?
Spoilers: "The Misadventures of Qui Gon & Co"...
Send all money/complaints/nudy pictures of Obi-Wan/flames to CrystalS1nger@yahoo.com
All flames will be used to toast weenies and marshmallows =p
The Misadventures of Qui Gon & Co
Part 2
Darth Maul had spent the last two days of his life in a drunken stupor, passed
out Watto's couch. He sat up slowly, with a pounding headache and the urge to kill
anything that moved. He wondered where he was. At that moment, a strange blue alien
with wings entered the room.
Maul reached for his lightsaber, and was surprised to find it gone.
"Now, none of dat. So, I see you are awake. Are you going to live up to dat
contract you signed last night?" said the strange blue alien.
"What contract?" said Darth Maul, groggily. The moment he got this guy to shut
up, he'd go find his lightsaber, get on his ship. Maul stopped mid-thought. Wait a
minute... His ship. He seemed to remember something about his... It all came flooding
back.
Watto grinned. "I see you remember. Now, don't forget, we had a deal."
Maul groaned. He was never, ever getting that drunk again. This was NOT good...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obi Wan grimaced. One more minute in the cockpit with Ric Olie, and he'd turn to
the darkside just so he could kill him.
Ric seemed oblivious to Obi Wan's discomfort. He was busily munching away on
a candy bar. "Zoom, zoom! Ship flies into the space port, but noooo! crunch crunch,
hrmm mmmmm, a giant space worm eats it! Argh! Abort, captain, abort! Nooo!" Ric
finished off the candy bar and sighed loudly. "Mmmm." He stood up and turned to Obi
Wan.
"I know what you're thinking, sir."
Obi Wan raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what is that?"
"You're thinking 'that Ric Olie sure is a nut job. Did he actually have piloting
instruction, or did some estranged relative take pity on him and give him a job piloting
republic ships?'"
Obi Wan shrugged, knowing that that description pretty much covered it.
"Well, appearances can be deceiving. As a matter of fact, it was neither of the
above. Although you may not know it, my presence here is very important. Do you know
why?"
Obi Wan shook his head. He had to admit that it was possible that Ric Olie was
more than he appeared to be. Of course, if he was, he had a good disguise. He had a
VERY good disguise... It was possible he was some sort of spy for the Queen...
"Because I have to feed the rabid chipmunks that live in the view screens so that
they don't harm innocent bystanders like yourself!" Ric Olie said, gesturing wildly at
the large viewscreen in the front of the cockpit and proceeding to do a very convincing
imitation of a giant rabid chipmunck.
...and then again, maybe not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maul had never spent a day in servitude to anyone in his whole life. Well,
except to Lord Sidious. But that was different, because... Well, he couldn't think of a
reason. But he didn't need a reason. He needed an escape plan. He sat on the small
couch, plotting.
Now, all he had to do was wait until Watto was sleeping, grab his lightsaber,
which he had found earlier that day stashed under a pile of women's dress shoes, all
size 5, and steal a ship. Why Watto had all the shoes, he had no idea. He had left his
lightsaber there, figuring he could come get it later. He knew Watto had planted a
device in him that could kill him, so he would just have to hope Watto wouldn't catch
him.
Maul decided the time was right. He opened the door to his 'room', which looked
more like a closet. He wandered down a dark hall towards the main room, where Watto kept
all his junk. He then moved over to the closet he had cleaned earlier that day. He
reached under the pile of shoes at the bottom to grab his lightsaber. He grinned
savagely. He had to get out of here. But first he was going to do something about
horrid shoes. He turned on his lighsaber and demolished the shoes, feeling better than
he had all day. Maul walked out the door whistling "Blue Suede Shoes".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watto had awoken in the middle of the night, with the sudden urge to try on those
new Gungan shoes he had won from those Jedi. He flew out to the small closet that was
near the room of his new slave. He whistled merrily, and reached inside the closet.
He grabbed the nearest pair of shoes, knowing those would be the Gungan skin ones. He
picked them up... they felt much lighter than they had previously. He squinted at them
for a moment, and then his eyes widened.
"My shoes! My precious shoes! After all the trouble I went through, swallowing
that button, just to get these shoes and now... look at dem!" Watto stared sadly at them.
"If I still had that button, I'D BLOW HIM UP!" Watto smacked his hand on a nearby counter
top. Watto carried the sad remains over to a cupboard where he kept a blaster. "Weeell,
maybe I will BLOW HIM UP!" Watto grabbed his blaster and headed for the door, his shoe in
his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darth Maul looked around Watto's junkyard, wondering what he could escape in.
Then he saw it. A shiny 327 Nubian. Maul had expected it to be easy, but not THAT easy.
The ramp was even down. Maul was on the ramp when he heard a voice say "And
where are you going?"
It was Watto, holding a blaster in one hand, and the mangled remains of what
might have once been a shoe in the other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"These are the forward stabilizers," Ric Olie said to Anakin, who was sitting
next to him.
Anakin shook his head. "Uh-uh. Those control the pitch. THESE are the forward
stabilizers."
Ric Olie looked daggers at Anakin. Then he grinned. "You catch on pretty quick.
I was testing you, of course."
"Riiight," Anakin said. "Where's the bathroom?"
Ric Olie pointed towards a door to the back of the cockpit.
Anakin shook his head again. "Nope. That's the air lock."
Ric Olie looked surprised. "That explains the lack of a toilet."
Anakin was about to ask him a question about that, but thought better of it, and
went to look for Qui Gon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darth Maul stopped in his tracks. He had never been confronted by an angry
Toydarian before. Maul wondered if he was going to cry.
"My shoes! How could you do dis to my precious babies? I know that you know I
swallowed that button that could kill you, but I have a blaster, and you don't. So,
I would suggest you don't do anything foolish, eh?"
Maul nodded slowly. Suddenly, he frowned. "Wait a second... You know that I know...
and WHAT was that about the button?"
"What, that I swallowed it? I lost a bet to these two Jedi..." Watto suddenly
realized that Maul hadn't known about that particular incident. "Er... I mean... I
still have it... Yes, it's right here..."
Maul waved his hand. "Screw this! I'm leaving!" He walked up the ramp into the
ship.
Watto looked stunned. He waved his blaster at Maul. "But... but I'll shoot you
if you try to leave!"
"Forget it!" Maul said, sticking his head out of the ship. "Just don't even..."
"But... but..." Watto was at a loss for words.
"Yeah, whatever. Could you be a dear and tell the owner of that bar down on
the corner of Wampa and Sand Street to forward my bill to Darth Maul, ICO
Lord Sidious, 666 Coruscant Avenue, Coruscant City, Coruscant? Bye now..."
With that, the Nubian took off.
Maul looked at the Standard date and time on the clock and paled. Ooh, Lord
Sidious was not going to be very happy... He made up a reasonable story, and prepared to
contact his master. No, Sidious was not going to like this at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"...I'm sending my apprentice Darth Maul," said Lord Sideous.
"Ah, to help us capture the queen, my lord?" said the infamous groveller, Nute
Gunray.
"No, to get his ship back from those Jedi, you fool. That thing costed a lot.
If I'm going to run an Empire, I'm going to need all the money I can get." The hologram
of Darth Sidious faded away.
"Now I've seen it all. A sith, a Senator, AND a tight-wad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obi Wan was standing with Qui Gon and everyone else in the ship in the Queen's
room. Jar Jar was standing right behind his shoulder. Obi Wan wished he wouldn't do
that. It made him very paranoid.
"I will take back what's ours," Queen Amidala was saying. Obi Wan wondered if
she realized how ridiculous that sounded. Of course, she probably didn't realize that
her 'army' consisted of a couple incompetent handmaidens, a lizard, a first mate who
thought he was a chipmunk, and a captain who wasn't much better off. Her next comment
proved to Obi Wan that she was hammered.
"Jar Jar Binks... I need your help."
Captain Panaka's jaw dropped. Even Ric Olie seemed to realize how ridiculous
that was, because he began to choke on his candy bar. Amidala's handmaidens were making
gagging noises behind her back.
Amidala looked at all of them questioningly. "What is it? WHAT?"
Obi Wan sighed. This had long day written all over it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You tell her!" Rabe said.
"No way! You remember what she did when I told her exactly how much her outfit
resembled road kill?"
Rabe shuddered. "No, we wouldn't want a repeat of THAT episode. Well, we'll let
her figure out on her own. You'd think that it would be obvious that the Gungans
couldn't do a thing to help us."
Sabe looked skeptical. "This is Amidala we're talking about."
Rabe nodded. "She is a little slow on the uptake, isn't she?"
Sabe rolled here eyes. "Are you kidding? Remember that time we told her that on
Malastaire it's a sign of respect to lick faces?"
Rabe giggled. "And that ambassador never came back. Yeah, she is a little dense.
Maybe we should tell her that she used to have shoes made of the same people she's
preparing to ask for help from."
Sabe and Rabe looked at each other. "Nah," they said simultaneously.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ric Olie attempted to land the ship, some how managing to miss the huge clearing
on his right, instead crushing several trees on his left.
Obi Wan consoled himself by telling himself they were all still alive, and Ric
had only started a small portion of the ship on fire, which was actually better than Obi
Wan had expected. Obi Wan walked over to Qui Gon, who was strutting around singing "You
can tell by the way I walk, I'm a jedi man. No time to talk. Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin'
alive, stayin' alive, stayin aliiiii- Yes, Obi Wan?"
"The Queen is on the way to the Gungan city, Master."
"Good ridance," said Qui Gon.
"What?"
"I said 'good'."
"Oh," said Obi Wan. "Do you think the Queen's idea will work?"
"The Gungans won't be easily swayed."
"If you say so, Master." Personally, Obi Wan thought all they would need to sway
the Gungans would be alcohol, a baseball bat, and a good story.
"And we cannot use our power to help her."
"With any luck, no one will be able to save her..."
"What?"
"I said 'I apologize for my behavior.' It's not my place to disagree with you
about the boy. And I am grateful that you think I'm ready for the trials."
"You've been a good apprentice Obi Wan, and you'll never be as wise as I am..."
"Huh?"
"You're a much wiser man than I am."
"Oh."
"I forsee you will become a great Jedi."
Inwardly, Obi Wan groaned. Those predictions were always bogus. He'd probably
be a horrible Jedi. He would probably have whiny little dark-side brats for padawans.
He would probably end up living in a little hovel on some force-forsaken planet, like
Tatooine, in exile, for most of his life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darth Maul was not very happy. Here he was, trying to retrieve his ship from
some stupid Jedi just so Sidious could save a couple of bucks on redecorating the
Nubian. And the Nubian was in desperate need of redecoration. Everything inside was
red, white, and orange, proving once again that the Queen's poor taste was not limited
to her choice of dress.
Eventually, Maul just couldn't take it anymore. He searched the ship for
anything that wasn't orange or white. He was in the Queen's old room when he found
several buckets of paint. Maul grinned, so happy to find it that he didn't even bother
to wonder out what it was for. Had he looked at the side, he would have noticed that it
was face paint, but as it happened...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"...I present Queen Amidala, of the Naboo."
"Hello, big boss Nass, your honor," said Jar Jar.
"Jar Jar Binks, whose da ousin ouders?"
'Amidala' stepped forward. "I come before you in peace..."
The real Amidala stepped in front of her.
"Whosin dis?"
"What'd he say?" Amidala muttered to Ric.
"Who's this," replied Ric.
"He understands the Gungans," said Obi Wan to Qui Gon. "Biiig surprise there."
"I am Queen Amidala. This is Sabe, my handmaiden."
Sabe stood behind her, looking daggers at her back. Amidala ALWAYS did this when
she thought Sabe just might be enjoying herself.
Anakin looked stunned. He looked back at Qui Gon and Obi Wan with an incredulous
expression on his face.
Obi Wan gave Qui Gon an "I-told-you-he-was-stupid" look.
Everyone faked gasps of amazement as Amidala explained Sabe's role as a
bodyguard, so as not to anger her royal highness. Amidala smiled in satisfaction at her
clever disguise.
"I once had a pair of shoes made of Gungan skin," said the Queen. "Sure, they
may have been ugly, but they were sturdy, and strong, and..."
Obi Wan's eyes bulged out. He wondered if Amidala and Ric Olie were related.
"...and I ask you to help us. No, I beg you to help us." Suddenly, she dropped
on her hands and knees.
Qui Gon was somewhat startled. He wouldn't have expected this from the Queen,
but he dropped to his knees anyway. Boss Nass seemed to like it, anyway.
"Yousa no thinkin' yousa better than the gungans? Yousa thinkin' wesa sturdy and
strong? Mesa lika dis. Maybe wesa... being friends."
Amidala stared at the ground for several more seconds. Then she stood up
triumphantly, holding something in her hand. "Here it is!" she said.
"Here is what, your highness?" asked Captain Panaka.
"My earring, dummy. What do you think I was doing on the ground?"
Qui Gon and Obi Wan looked at each other in disbelief. Her handmaidens guffawed.
"What?" said the Queen, clueless as ever. "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Qui Gon analyzed the Queen's plan skeptically. "There is great danger. What if
your pilots cannot penetrate the Control ship's outer defenses?"
"Um, all the Gungans would die?"
"Yes, but that isn't what I was concerned about. The droid army could wipe out
the Gungans and return in time to stop us too."
"Oh, yeah, that. We will time our entrance in the palace so that even if we
fail to destroy the Control ship, they will not be able to stop us. If the droid army
returns, we will already have taken control of the Palace."
"There is an even bigger danger. If the Viceroy escapes, your highness, he may
return with another droid army."
Amidala looked at Obi Wan blankly. "So... wait... run that by me one more time."
A few feet away, Boss Nass was talking to a very happy looking Jar Jar Binks.
"Yousa doin' grand.
"No, no."
"Yousa bring ussin and da Naboo togeter."
"Oh, no, no."
"Dat is why wessa make you..."
Jar Jar fainted and fell onto the ground.
Boss Nass frowned. He wasn't supposed to faint until he finished what he was
trying to say. Boss Nass' gaze swept over to Ric Olie, then to the Queen, then to the
two Jedi talking to each other, and back to Ric again. He grinned.
"Ric Olie," he said, putting a hand around Ric's shoulder.
"Mmph, yeah?" said Ric, busy munching another candy bar.
"Yousa doin' grand.
"I am?"
"Yousa bring ussin and da Naboo together."
"Mmph hrmph. I did?"
"Dat is why wessa make you bombad general," said Boss Nass, gesturing in the air
to illustrate his point.
"General?!? Yeeheeeheehee!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Captain Panaka signalled the Queen's group from across the courtyard. Everybody
rushed past the droids, hurrying towards the Palace. The group entered, Obi Wan and
Qui Gon leading the way. Anakin immediately looked for a hiding place, deciding on one
of the yellow Nubian fighters in the hangar bay.
He hunkered down in it. The rest of the Queen's group ran past him. "Hey, wait for
me!" he said.
"Stay there," Qui Gon said, a little relieved to be rid of him so easily.
"But I-"
"Stay in that cockpit!"
Suddenly, the doors ahead of them opened. There stood-
Uh oh, Obi Wan thought to himself.
Why don't any of my ideas ever work out? Qui Gon wondered. But outloud he said,
"We'll take care of this."
"Uh, right. We'll take the long way," said Amidala, rushing off in the other
direction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anakin sulked in the small cockpit of the Nubian fighter. Who did they think they
were, going off and leaving the chosen... He stopped his sulking at the sound of blaster
bolts. This could get interesting yet. He stuck his head out of the cockpit. There
were droids! And there were blaster bolts! This was sooo wizard...
Anakin used the fighter's gun, and blasted both of the droids.
Suddenly, he heard it.
That eerie sound came over the Nubian's radio like nails screeching across a black
board.
"Fighters straight ahead."
Anakin immediately started the small ship and put it into action. He and Artoo flew
past the small guns outside Theed Palace, and flew up towards the huge droid Control
ship.
Artoo beeped at Anakin.
"Go back?" Anakin said.
Artoo had just gotten them off the auto pilot when the transalation came across the
screen : Now, don't get any funny ideas; the old man told us to wait right there!
Anakin shook his head. "Yeah, but he didn't know Ric Olie was here! They're gonna
be executed! They need all the help they can get!"
Artoo beeped a grudging agreement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jar Jar Binks, Ric Olie, and all the rest of the Gungans were prepared for battle.
Ric was busy explaining Jar Jar's job to him.
"Well, it's the latest in technology. A gungan shield. You'll jump in front of me
whenever there are blaster bolts coming at me."
Jar Jar nodded, mulling this over in his head.
The droid army advanced, and the Gungans began flinging their boomers at the
nearest tanks and droids.
Ric Olie ducked behind Jar Jar, issuing orders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two jedi strutted forward and dropped their cloaks on the floor. Obi Wan swore
he could hear Qui Gon thinking *You can tell by the way I walk, I'm a Jedi man* again.
Darth Maul proceeded to follow their example.
"Give me back my ship, and I may spare your lives," Maul said.
"Well, you give us, uh, give us back OUR ship then!" Qui Gon said.
"How did you know I had your ship?" Maul asked, slightly surprised.
Qui Gon sneered. "It should be obvious."
Maul looked at Obi Wan helplessly.
"I really hate it when he does this," Obi Wan said sympathetically.
Qui Gon sighed. "The Queen's make-up is made up of oxithermoglycerin because of
her sensitive skin. It has a very strong smell, so obviously I could tell you used
it to paint the ship."
Maul looked genuinely surprised. "I didn't use..." Maul stopped. "OH. So that's
why it didn't seem to go on very well, cause, I mean, isn't paint supposed to be like, a
liquid?"
"Stupid hotshot. How did he know exactly what the Queen's ma-"
"What was that, Obi Wan?"
"Err- nothing."
Maul frowned. "Now where was I? Oh yeah, give me back my ship, or be destroyed!"
Obi Wan shook his head. "No, you give back OUR ship or be destroyed!"
"No, you give it back!"
"No, you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ric Olie was having the time of his life. Blasting at enemy ships (not to
mention the occasional Nubian, too) was his favorite thing to do. Despite this, he
frowned. He was missing just one thing. Then he remembered. Ah, yes, he needed a candy
bar! He took his eyes off the Federation ship and began rummaging around in the storage
compartment.
A passing Federation ship took a shot at him. Olie's ship began to spin. While
he rummaged around, his ship was flying towards a large docking bay on the Federation
Control ship. When Ric Olie looked up, he was no longer in space, but in a large room
on a space ship.
Ric looked out his window, and saw another Nubian fighter just like his, sitting
a few feet away.
Ric started singing over the radio. "Just the two of us..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Uh oh," Anakin said to Artoo. "Everything's overheated." He flicked the
buttons a few more times, and the ship came to life.
Then he heard that horrible voice over the radio for the second time that day.
Anakin winced, and looked over to his left.
"...can make it if we try, just the two of us, you and..."
"Oh no. Not him, again!"
Ric waved at Anakin, who waved back with slightly less enthusiasm.
Artoo beeped at Anakin. Anakin looked out the front of the cockpit to see
several droids coming towards them.
"Uh oh." Anakin tried the lasergun, and shot at them. He pulled back the
thingum, and blasted the main reactor, too.
"We better get out of here, Artoo," Anakin said. Anakin flew his ship out, and
Ric Olie followed suit.
The entire Federation ship began to fall apart.
Anakin blinked. "Woah, look at that, it's falling in space."
Ric Olie's voice came over the radio yet again. He sounded scared. "Anakin!
Way to go! Wasn't me, I swear, it was the boy." He paused for a moment, then started
talking again. "What's that? We were SUPPOSED to blow it up? Oh, never mind then."
"Yipee!" Anakin yelled.
"Yeeheehee!" Ric yelled back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maul paced back and forth grinning. Obi Wan, who was currently trapped behind
that lovely red shield generator we all know and love, was concerned he might not be able
to reach them in time to stop Maul from...
The shields dropped like dominoes. Qui Gon jumped forward. Obi Wan ran after
him, but he was too slow. It was too late.
"Yes, I'll go!" said Qui Gon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Obi Wan said.
"But, but, Master, you're ditching BOTH of your Padawans to go on a vacation with
a sith! Isn't that against the Jedi code?!?" Obi Wan asked.
Qui Gon thought for a moment. "Um, nope, there's nothing specific."
"Well, what'll I tell the council?"
"Tell 'em I'm dead, of course. Maul here stabbed me."
Darth Maul nodded. "Uh-huh. And if you happen to see Senator Palpatine around
some time, mention that you killed me, too. Tell him I fought real well, and, you, uh,
sliced me in half, or something."
"But that's lying!"
"From a certain point of view," Qui Gon said, snickering. "I love that line.
You can do anything you want, as long as you use that line when they confront you."
"I'll have to remember that," said Obi Wan. He frowned. "But why Senator
Palpatine? And what about Anakin?" He asked.
Maul shrugged. "He's got connections."
Qui Gon waved his hand. "Oh, you can train him, you'll do fine."
"But... but..."
Qui Gon threw his arm around Maul's shoulder as they walked towards his waiting
ship. "How 'bout them hotsprings on Malastaire, Mauly-boy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Queen stood next to Obi Wan with her handmaidens and Captain Panaka beside
her. A radiant Anakin ran towards Obi Wan. "Guess what? I blew up that big ship up there,
even with Ric Olie trying to help me, and there was this big 'BLAM!', and the ship was
falling in space, which was really weird, cause..."
The Queen looked confused. "But that's not possible. Ric Olie couldn't have
been there. He was helping the Gungans during the battle."
"What? No, I'm positive he was up there with me. It's the voice. It had to be
him."
Ric Olie stepped out from behind them, causing everyone to jump. Another man who
was an exact duplicate of him stepped out too.
"*I* am Ric Olie. This is Dic, my loyal bodyguard."
Amidala turned a shade paler, something that hadn't been previously thought
possible. "Why you little... Copycat! I oughta..."
She and Sabe jumped at Ric and Dic. The rest of the handmaidens joined in, and
Panaka stood up for Olie.
Anakin turned to Obi Wan. "Where's Master Qui Gon?" he asked.
Obi Wan shrugged. "Well, he sorta died back there, I think. No big deal."
Anakin looked up at Obi Wan with wide eyes. He looked like he was about to
cry.
"No, don't do that," Obi Wan said, feeling guilty. "Here, let me buy you a
lollypop."
Anakin stared at Obi Wan. "How can you be so calm? Master Qui Gon..."
"...is safe and sound, relaxing in a hotspring with our enemy."
Anakin stared some more.
Obi Wan sighed, gave up, and explained the situation to Anakin.
Anakin nodded. "Oh. That's dumb. Do I still get the lollypop?"
"No."
Anakin rocked on his feet. He clutched at Obi Wan's robe. "Uh oh, I don't know.
All of a sudden, I feel like I have to tell someone what *really* happened..."
"You can have your stupid lollypop!"
"Yipee!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight, the Council does. But agree with you
taking this boy as your padawan learner, *I* do not." Yoda thrust the small piece of
his gimer stick that he still had in Obi Wan's face.
*Yeah, well neither did I* Obi Wan thought. Outloud, he said, "I gave Qui Gon
my word. I WILL train Anakin."
"Have Qui Gon's defiance, do you. Need that you do not. Agree with you the
Council does. Your padawan, Skywalker will be. But agree with this..."
"This has something to do with that thing that happened between you and the
Council, right?" The moment the words were out of his mouth, Obi Wan regretted them.
But now he was a Jedi Knight. He could ask that sort of stuff if he wanted to. "Why
DID they break your gimer stick? And why are you still carrying around that chunk?"
Yoda stared at Obi Wan. "Respect, you must le-" He stopped midsentance. "Ah,
screw this! You know what? Just forget it! This whole 'wise old Jedi' gimmick had gone
right down the drain!" He threw his chunk of gimer stick at Obi Wan's head.
Obi Wan was, needless to say, surprised.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that evening, everyone sat around Qui Gon's "funeral pyre". There was a
big plastic bag in the middle of the fire, burning merrily away. Obi Wan was toasting
a hot dog. Fortunately, no one seemed to wonder why Obi Wan had thought it was necessary
to stick Qui Gon's body in a garbage bag, which was good, because if anyone had looked
inside, they would have found a bunch of old socks.
"Oh, can I have one of those?" Anakin asked Obi Wan, putting his lollypop on the
bench beside him.
"Sure," Obi Wan said.
"Err..." Anakin said. "Uh, what will happen to me now?"
"Oh, I'll train you."
The Jedi Council was amazed at how flippant the two were.
Mace Windu patted Obi Wan on the shoulder. "You are taking this very well, Jedi
Kenobi."
Obi Wan shrugged, taking a bite out of his hot dog.
"Well, you know what they say, Master Windu."
Mace frowned. "No, what do they say?"
"You have to let Qui Gones be Qui Gones."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, there it is! I hope you enjoyed it. I suppose "The Misadventures of Qui
Gon & Co" is a bit of a misnomer, because Qui Gon isn't even there at the end... Maybe
I should have called it "Yoda Strikes Back"...
"*I* am Maul boy. This is Groda, my loyal bodyguard."(I have handmaidens too, ya know)
Rating: PG, mild language
Disclaimer: You know the drill: not mine, I don't get no money, so leave me alone... Oh
yeah, and, All of the Star Wars characters in my story have numerous obvious character
flaws. I know they're not *really* like that, it was done on purpose, so don't get
your knickers all in bunch...
Reviews: Pwetty pwetty pweez?
Spoilers: "The Misadventures of Qui Gon & Co"...
Send all money/complaints/nudy pictures of Obi-Wan/flames to CrystalS1nger@yahoo.com
All flames will be used to toast weenies and marshmallows =p
The Misadventures of Qui Gon & Co
Part 2
Darth Maul had spent the last two days of his life in a drunken stupor, passed
out Watto's couch. He sat up slowly, with a pounding headache and the urge to kill
anything that moved. He wondered where he was. At that moment, a strange blue alien
with wings entered the room.
Maul reached for his lightsaber, and was surprised to find it gone.
"Now, none of dat. So, I see you are awake. Are you going to live up to dat
contract you signed last night?" said the strange blue alien.
"What contract?" said Darth Maul, groggily. The moment he got this guy to shut
up, he'd go find his lightsaber, get on his ship. Maul stopped mid-thought. Wait a
minute... His ship. He seemed to remember something about his... It all came flooding
back.
Watto grinned. "I see you remember. Now, don't forget, we had a deal."
Maul groaned. He was never, ever getting that drunk again. This was NOT good...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obi Wan grimaced. One more minute in the cockpit with Ric Olie, and he'd turn to
the darkside just so he could kill him.
Ric seemed oblivious to Obi Wan's discomfort. He was busily munching away on
a candy bar. "Zoom, zoom! Ship flies into the space port, but noooo! crunch crunch,
hrmm mmmmm, a giant space worm eats it! Argh! Abort, captain, abort! Nooo!" Ric
finished off the candy bar and sighed loudly. "Mmmm." He stood up and turned to Obi
Wan.
"I know what you're thinking, sir."
Obi Wan raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And what is that?"
"You're thinking 'that Ric Olie sure is a nut job. Did he actually have piloting
instruction, or did some estranged relative take pity on him and give him a job piloting
republic ships?'"
Obi Wan shrugged, knowing that that description pretty much covered it.
"Well, appearances can be deceiving. As a matter of fact, it was neither of the
above. Although you may not know it, my presence here is very important. Do you know
why?"
Obi Wan shook his head. He had to admit that it was possible that Ric Olie was
more than he appeared to be. Of course, if he was, he had a good disguise. He had a
VERY good disguise... It was possible he was some sort of spy for the Queen...
"Because I have to feed the rabid chipmunks that live in the view screens so that
they don't harm innocent bystanders like yourself!" Ric Olie said, gesturing wildly at
the large viewscreen in the front of the cockpit and proceeding to do a very convincing
imitation of a giant rabid chipmunck.
...and then again, maybe not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maul had never spent a day in servitude to anyone in his whole life. Well,
except to Lord Sidious. But that was different, because... Well, he couldn't think of a
reason. But he didn't need a reason. He needed an escape plan. He sat on the small
couch, plotting.
Now, all he had to do was wait until Watto was sleeping, grab his lightsaber,
which he had found earlier that day stashed under a pile of women's dress shoes, all
size 5, and steal a ship. Why Watto had all the shoes, he had no idea. He had left his
lightsaber there, figuring he could come get it later. He knew Watto had planted a
device in him that could kill him, so he would just have to hope Watto wouldn't catch
him.
Maul decided the time was right. He opened the door to his 'room', which looked
more like a closet. He wandered down a dark hall towards the main room, where Watto kept
all his junk. He then moved over to the closet he had cleaned earlier that day. He
reached under the pile of shoes at the bottom to grab his lightsaber. He grinned
savagely. He had to get out of here. But first he was going to do something about
horrid shoes. He turned on his lighsaber and demolished the shoes, feeling better than
he had all day. Maul walked out the door whistling "Blue Suede Shoes".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Watto had awoken in the middle of the night, with the sudden urge to try on those
new Gungan shoes he had won from those Jedi. He flew out to the small closet that was
near the room of his new slave. He whistled merrily, and reached inside the closet.
He grabbed the nearest pair of shoes, knowing those would be the Gungan skin ones. He
picked them up... they felt much lighter than they had previously. He squinted at them
for a moment, and then his eyes widened.
"My shoes! My precious shoes! After all the trouble I went through, swallowing
that button, just to get these shoes and now... look at dem!" Watto stared sadly at them.
"If I still had that button, I'D BLOW HIM UP!" Watto smacked his hand on a nearby counter
top. Watto carried the sad remains over to a cupboard where he kept a blaster. "Weeell,
maybe I will BLOW HIM UP!" Watto grabbed his blaster and headed for the door, his shoe in
his hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darth Maul looked around Watto's junkyard, wondering what he could escape in.
Then he saw it. A shiny 327 Nubian. Maul had expected it to be easy, but not THAT easy.
The ramp was even down. Maul was on the ramp when he heard a voice say "And
where are you going?"
It was Watto, holding a blaster in one hand, and the mangled remains of what
might have once been a shoe in the other.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"These are the forward stabilizers," Ric Olie said to Anakin, who was sitting
next to him.
Anakin shook his head. "Uh-uh. Those control the pitch. THESE are the forward
stabilizers."
Ric Olie looked daggers at Anakin. Then he grinned. "You catch on pretty quick.
I was testing you, of course."
"Riiight," Anakin said. "Where's the bathroom?"
Ric Olie pointed towards a door to the back of the cockpit.
Anakin shook his head again. "Nope. That's the air lock."
Ric Olie looked surprised. "That explains the lack of a toilet."
Anakin was about to ask him a question about that, but thought better of it, and
went to look for Qui Gon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darth Maul stopped in his tracks. He had never been confronted by an angry
Toydarian before. Maul wondered if he was going to cry.
"My shoes! How could you do dis to my precious babies? I know that you know I
swallowed that button that could kill you, but I have a blaster, and you don't. So,
I would suggest you don't do anything foolish, eh?"
Maul nodded slowly. Suddenly, he frowned. "Wait a second... You know that I know...
and WHAT was that about the button?"
"What, that I swallowed it? I lost a bet to these two Jedi..." Watto suddenly
realized that Maul hadn't known about that particular incident. "Er... I mean... I
still have it... Yes, it's right here..."
Maul waved his hand. "Screw this! I'm leaving!" He walked up the ramp into the
ship.
Watto looked stunned. He waved his blaster at Maul. "But... but I'll shoot you
if you try to leave!"
"Forget it!" Maul said, sticking his head out of the ship. "Just don't even..."
"But... but..." Watto was at a loss for words.
"Yeah, whatever. Could you be a dear and tell the owner of that bar down on
the corner of Wampa and Sand Street to forward my bill to Darth Maul, ICO
Lord Sidious, 666 Coruscant Avenue, Coruscant City, Coruscant? Bye now..."
With that, the Nubian took off.
Maul looked at the Standard date and time on the clock and paled. Ooh, Lord
Sidious was not going to be very happy... He made up a reasonable story, and prepared to
contact his master. No, Sidious was not going to like this at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"...I'm sending my apprentice Darth Maul," said Lord Sideous.
"Ah, to help us capture the queen, my lord?" said the infamous groveller, Nute
Gunray.
"No, to get his ship back from those Jedi, you fool. That thing costed a lot.
If I'm going to run an Empire, I'm going to need all the money I can get." The hologram
of Darth Sidious faded away.
"Now I've seen it all. A sith, a Senator, AND a tight-wad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Obi Wan was standing with Qui Gon and everyone else in the ship in the Queen's
room. Jar Jar was standing right behind his shoulder. Obi Wan wished he wouldn't do
that. It made him very paranoid.
"I will take back what's ours," Queen Amidala was saying. Obi Wan wondered if
she realized how ridiculous that sounded. Of course, she probably didn't realize that
her 'army' consisted of a couple incompetent handmaidens, a lizard, a first mate who
thought he was a chipmunk, and a captain who wasn't much better off. Her next comment
proved to Obi Wan that she was hammered.
"Jar Jar Binks... I need your help."
Captain Panaka's jaw dropped. Even Ric Olie seemed to realize how ridiculous
that was, because he began to choke on his candy bar. Amidala's handmaidens were making
gagging noises behind her back.
Amidala looked at all of them questioningly. "What is it? WHAT?"
Obi Wan sighed. This had long day written all over it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You tell her!" Rabe said.
"No way! You remember what she did when I told her exactly how much her outfit
resembled road kill?"
Rabe shuddered. "No, we wouldn't want a repeat of THAT episode. Well, we'll let
her figure out on her own. You'd think that it would be obvious that the Gungans
couldn't do a thing to help us."
Sabe looked skeptical. "This is Amidala we're talking about."
Rabe nodded. "She is a little slow on the uptake, isn't she?"
Sabe rolled here eyes. "Are you kidding? Remember that time we told her that on
Malastaire it's a sign of respect to lick faces?"
Rabe giggled. "And that ambassador never came back. Yeah, she is a little dense.
Maybe we should tell her that she used to have shoes made of the same people she's
preparing to ask for help from."
Sabe and Rabe looked at each other. "Nah," they said simultaneously.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ric Olie attempted to land the ship, some how managing to miss the huge clearing
on his right, instead crushing several trees on his left.
Obi Wan consoled himself by telling himself they were all still alive, and Ric
had only started a small portion of the ship on fire, which was actually better than Obi
Wan had expected. Obi Wan walked over to Qui Gon, who was strutting around singing "You
can tell by the way I walk, I'm a jedi man. No time to talk. Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin'
alive, stayin' alive, stayin aliiiii- Yes, Obi Wan?"
"The Queen is on the way to the Gungan city, Master."
"Good ridance," said Qui Gon.
"What?"
"I said 'good'."
"Oh," said Obi Wan. "Do you think the Queen's idea will work?"
"The Gungans won't be easily swayed."
"If you say so, Master." Personally, Obi Wan thought all they would need to sway
the Gungans would be alcohol, a baseball bat, and a good story.
"And we cannot use our power to help her."
"With any luck, no one will be able to save her..."
"What?"
"I said 'I apologize for my behavior.' It's not my place to disagree with you
about the boy. And I am grateful that you think I'm ready for the trials."
"You've been a good apprentice Obi Wan, and you'll never be as wise as I am..."
"Huh?"
"You're a much wiser man than I am."
"Oh."
"I forsee you will become a great Jedi."
Inwardly, Obi Wan groaned. Those predictions were always bogus. He'd probably
be a horrible Jedi. He would probably have whiny little dark-side brats for padawans.
He would probably end up living in a little hovel on some force-forsaken planet, like
Tatooine, in exile, for most of his life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Darth Maul was not very happy. Here he was, trying to retrieve his ship from
some stupid Jedi just so Sidious could save a couple of bucks on redecorating the
Nubian. And the Nubian was in desperate need of redecoration. Everything inside was
red, white, and orange, proving once again that the Queen's poor taste was not limited
to her choice of dress.
Eventually, Maul just couldn't take it anymore. He searched the ship for
anything that wasn't orange or white. He was in the Queen's old room when he found
several buckets of paint. Maul grinned, so happy to find it that he didn't even bother
to wonder out what it was for. Had he looked at the side, he would have noticed that it
was face paint, but as it happened...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"...I present Queen Amidala, of the Naboo."
"Hello, big boss Nass, your honor," said Jar Jar.
"Jar Jar Binks, whose da ousin ouders?"
'Amidala' stepped forward. "I come before you in peace..."
The real Amidala stepped in front of her.
"Whosin dis?"
"What'd he say?" Amidala muttered to Ric.
"Who's this," replied Ric.
"He understands the Gungans," said Obi Wan to Qui Gon. "Biiig surprise there."
"I am Queen Amidala. This is Sabe, my handmaiden."
Sabe stood behind her, looking daggers at her back. Amidala ALWAYS did this when
she thought Sabe just might be enjoying herself.
Anakin looked stunned. He looked back at Qui Gon and Obi Wan with an incredulous
expression on his face.
Obi Wan gave Qui Gon an "I-told-you-he-was-stupid" look.
Everyone faked gasps of amazement as Amidala explained Sabe's role as a
bodyguard, so as not to anger her royal highness. Amidala smiled in satisfaction at her
clever disguise.
"I once had a pair of shoes made of Gungan skin," said the Queen. "Sure, they
may have been ugly, but they were sturdy, and strong, and..."
Obi Wan's eyes bulged out. He wondered if Amidala and Ric Olie were related.
"...and I ask you to help us. No, I beg you to help us." Suddenly, she dropped
on her hands and knees.
Qui Gon was somewhat startled. He wouldn't have expected this from the Queen,
but he dropped to his knees anyway. Boss Nass seemed to like it, anyway.
"Yousa no thinkin' yousa better than the gungans? Yousa thinkin' wesa sturdy and
strong? Mesa lika dis. Maybe wesa... being friends."
Amidala stared at the ground for several more seconds. Then she stood up
triumphantly, holding something in her hand. "Here it is!" she said.
"Here is what, your highness?" asked Captain Panaka.
"My earring, dummy. What do you think I was doing on the ground?"
Qui Gon and Obi Wan looked at each other in disbelief. Her handmaidens guffawed.
"What?" said the Queen, clueless as ever. "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Qui Gon analyzed the Queen's plan skeptically. "There is great danger. What if
your pilots cannot penetrate the Control ship's outer defenses?"
"Um, all the Gungans would die?"
"Yes, but that isn't what I was concerned about. The droid army could wipe out
the Gungans and return in time to stop us too."
"Oh, yeah, that. We will time our entrance in the palace so that even if we
fail to destroy the Control ship, they will not be able to stop us. If the droid army
returns, we will already have taken control of the Palace."
"There is an even bigger danger. If the Viceroy escapes, your highness, he may
return with another droid army."
Amidala looked at Obi Wan blankly. "So... wait... run that by me one more time."
A few feet away, Boss Nass was talking to a very happy looking Jar Jar Binks.
"Yousa doin' grand.
"No, no."
"Yousa bring ussin and da Naboo togeter."
"Oh, no, no."
"Dat is why wessa make you..."
Jar Jar fainted and fell onto the ground.
Boss Nass frowned. He wasn't supposed to faint until he finished what he was
trying to say. Boss Nass' gaze swept over to Ric Olie, then to the Queen, then to the
two Jedi talking to each other, and back to Ric again. He grinned.
"Ric Olie," he said, putting a hand around Ric's shoulder.
"Mmph, yeah?" said Ric, busy munching another candy bar.
"Yousa doin' grand.
"I am?"
"Yousa bring ussin and da Naboo together."
"Mmph hrmph. I did?"
"Dat is why wessa make you bombad general," said Boss Nass, gesturing in the air
to illustrate his point.
"General?!? Yeeheeeheehee!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Captain Panaka signalled the Queen's group from across the courtyard. Everybody
rushed past the droids, hurrying towards the Palace. The group entered, Obi Wan and
Qui Gon leading the way. Anakin immediately looked for a hiding place, deciding on one
of the yellow Nubian fighters in the hangar bay.
He hunkered down in it. The rest of the Queen's group ran past him. "Hey, wait for
me!" he said.
"Stay there," Qui Gon said, a little relieved to be rid of him so easily.
"But I-"
"Stay in that cockpit!"
Suddenly, the doors ahead of them opened. There stood-
Uh oh, Obi Wan thought to himself.
Why don't any of my ideas ever work out? Qui Gon wondered. But outloud he said,
"We'll take care of this."
"Uh, right. We'll take the long way," said Amidala, rushing off in the other
direction.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anakin sulked in the small cockpit of the Nubian fighter. Who did they think they
were, going off and leaving the chosen... He stopped his sulking at the sound of blaster
bolts. This could get interesting yet. He stuck his head out of the cockpit. There
were droids! And there were blaster bolts! This was sooo wizard...
Anakin used the fighter's gun, and blasted both of the droids.
Suddenly, he heard it.
That eerie sound came over the Nubian's radio like nails screeching across a black
board.
"Fighters straight ahead."
Anakin immediately started the small ship and put it into action. He and Artoo flew
past the small guns outside Theed Palace, and flew up towards the huge droid Control
ship.
Artoo beeped at Anakin.
"Go back?" Anakin said.
Artoo had just gotten them off the auto pilot when the transalation came across the
screen : Now, don't get any funny ideas; the old man told us to wait right there!
Anakin shook his head. "Yeah, but he didn't know Ric Olie was here! They're gonna
be executed! They need all the help they can get!"
Artoo beeped a grudging agreement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jar Jar Binks, Ric Olie, and all the rest of the Gungans were prepared for battle.
Ric was busy explaining Jar Jar's job to him.
"Well, it's the latest in technology. A gungan shield. You'll jump in front of me
whenever there are blaster bolts coming at me."
Jar Jar nodded, mulling this over in his head.
The droid army advanced, and the Gungans began flinging their boomers at the
nearest tanks and droids.
Ric Olie ducked behind Jar Jar, issuing orders.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two jedi strutted forward and dropped their cloaks on the floor. Obi Wan swore
he could hear Qui Gon thinking *You can tell by the way I walk, I'm a Jedi man* again.
Darth Maul proceeded to follow their example.
"Give me back my ship, and I may spare your lives," Maul said.
"Well, you give us, uh, give us back OUR ship then!" Qui Gon said.
"How did you know I had your ship?" Maul asked, slightly surprised.
Qui Gon sneered. "It should be obvious."
Maul looked at Obi Wan helplessly.
"I really hate it when he does this," Obi Wan said sympathetically.
Qui Gon sighed. "The Queen's make-up is made up of oxithermoglycerin because of
her sensitive skin. It has a very strong smell, so obviously I could tell you used
it to paint the ship."
Maul looked genuinely surprised. "I didn't use..." Maul stopped. "OH. So that's
why it didn't seem to go on very well, cause, I mean, isn't paint supposed to be like, a
liquid?"
"Stupid hotshot. How did he know exactly what the Queen's ma-"
"What was that, Obi Wan?"
"Err- nothing."
Maul frowned. "Now where was I? Oh yeah, give me back my ship, or be destroyed!"
Obi Wan shook his head. "No, you give back OUR ship or be destroyed!"
"No, you give it back!"
"No, you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ric Olie was having the time of his life. Blasting at enemy ships (not to
mention the occasional Nubian, too) was his favorite thing to do. Despite this, he
frowned. He was missing just one thing. Then he remembered. Ah, yes, he needed a candy
bar! He took his eyes off the Federation ship and began rummaging around in the storage
compartment.
A passing Federation ship took a shot at him. Olie's ship began to spin. While
he rummaged around, his ship was flying towards a large docking bay on the Federation
Control ship. When Ric Olie looked up, he was no longer in space, but in a large room
on a space ship.
Ric looked out his window, and saw another Nubian fighter just like his, sitting
a few feet away.
Ric started singing over the radio. "Just the two of us..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Uh oh," Anakin said to Artoo. "Everything's overheated." He flicked the
buttons a few more times, and the ship came to life.
Then he heard that horrible voice over the radio for the second time that day.
Anakin winced, and looked over to his left.
"...can make it if we try, just the two of us, you and..."
"Oh no. Not him, again!"
Ric waved at Anakin, who waved back with slightly less enthusiasm.
Artoo beeped at Anakin. Anakin looked out the front of the cockpit to see
several droids coming towards them.
"Uh oh." Anakin tried the lasergun, and shot at them. He pulled back the
thingum, and blasted the main reactor, too.
"We better get out of here, Artoo," Anakin said. Anakin flew his ship out, and
Ric Olie followed suit.
The entire Federation ship began to fall apart.
Anakin blinked. "Woah, look at that, it's falling in space."
Ric Olie's voice came over the radio yet again. He sounded scared. "Anakin!
Way to go! Wasn't me, I swear, it was the boy." He paused for a moment, then started
talking again. "What's that? We were SUPPOSED to blow it up? Oh, never mind then."
"Yipee!" Anakin yelled.
"Yeeheehee!" Ric yelled back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maul paced back and forth grinning. Obi Wan, who was currently trapped behind
that lovely red shield generator we all know and love, was concerned he might not be able
to reach them in time to stop Maul from...
The shields dropped like dominoes. Qui Gon jumped forward. Obi Wan ran after
him, but he was too slow. It was too late.
"Yes, I'll go!" said Qui Gon.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Obi Wan said.
"But, but, Master, you're ditching BOTH of your Padawans to go on a vacation with
a sith! Isn't that against the Jedi code?!?" Obi Wan asked.
Qui Gon thought for a moment. "Um, nope, there's nothing specific."
"Well, what'll I tell the council?"
"Tell 'em I'm dead, of course. Maul here stabbed me."
Darth Maul nodded. "Uh-huh. And if you happen to see Senator Palpatine around
some time, mention that you killed me, too. Tell him I fought real well, and, you, uh,
sliced me in half, or something."
"But that's lying!"
"From a certain point of view," Qui Gon said, snickering. "I love that line.
You can do anything you want, as long as you use that line when they confront you."
"I'll have to remember that," said Obi Wan. He frowned. "But why Senator
Palpatine? And what about Anakin?" He asked.
Maul shrugged. "He's got connections."
Qui Gon waved his hand. "Oh, you can train him, you'll do fine."
"But... but..."
Qui Gon threw his arm around Maul's shoulder as they walked towards his waiting
ship. "How 'bout them hotsprings on Malastaire, Mauly-boy?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Queen stood next to Obi Wan with her handmaidens and Captain Panaka beside
her. A radiant Anakin ran towards Obi Wan. "Guess what? I blew up that big ship up there,
even with Ric Olie trying to help me, and there was this big 'BLAM!', and the ship was
falling in space, which was really weird, cause..."
The Queen looked confused. "But that's not possible. Ric Olie couldn't have
been there. He was helping the Gungans during the battle."
"What? No, I'm positive he was up there with me. It's the voice. It had to be
him."
Ric Olie stepped out from behind them, causing everyone to jump. Another man who
was an exact duplicate of him stepped out too.
"*I* am Ric Olie. This is Dic, my loyal bodyguard."
Amidala turned a shade paler, something that hadn't been previously thought
possible. "Why you little... Copycat! I oughta..."
She and Sabe jumped at Ric and Dic. The rest of the handmaidens joined in, and
Panaka stood up for Olie.
Anakin turned to Obi Wan. "Where's Master Qui Gon?" he asked.
Obi Wan shrugged. "Well, he sorta died back there, I think. No big deal."
Anakin looked up at Obi Wan with wide eyes. He looked like he was about to
cry.
"No, don't do that," Obi Wan said, feeling guilty. "Here, let me buy you a
lollypop."
Anakin stared at Obi Wan. "How can you be so calm? Master Qui Gon..."
"...is safe and sound, relaxing in a hotspring with our enemy."
Anakin stared some more.
Obi Wan sighed, gave up, and explained the situation to Anakin.
Anakin nodded. "Oh. That's dumb. Do I still get the lollypop?"
"No."
Anakin rocked on his feet. He clutched at Obi Wan's robe. "Uh oh, I don't know.
All of a sudden, I feel like I have to tell someone what *really* happened..."
"You can have your stupid lollypop!"
"Yipee!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight, the Council does. But agree with you
taking this boy as your padawan learner, *I* do not." Yoda thrust the small piece of
his gimer stick that he still had in Obi Wan's face.
*Yeah, well neither did I* Obi Wan thought. Outloud, he said, "I gave Qui Gon
my word. I WILL train Anakin."
"Have Qui Gon's defiance, do you. Need that you do not. Agree with you the
Council does. Your padawan, Skywalker will be. But agree with this..."
"This has something to do with that thing that happened between you and the
Council, right?" The moment the words were out of his mouth, Obi Wan regretted them.
But now he was a Jedi Knight. He could ask that sort of stuff if he wanted to. "Why
DID they break your gimer stick? And why are you still carrying around that chunk?"
Yoda stared at Obi Wan. "Respect, you must le-" He stopped midsentance. "Ah,
screw this! You know what? Just forget it! This whole 'wise old Jedi' gimmick had gone
right down the drain!" He threw his chunk of gimer stick at Obi Wan's head.
Obi Wan was, needless to say, surprised.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Later that evening, everyone sat around Qui Gon's "funeral pyre". There was a
big plastic bag in the middle of the fire, burning merrily away. Obi Wan was toasting
a hot dog. Fortunately, no one seemed to wonder why Obi Wan had thought it was necessary
to stick Qui Gon's body in a garbage bag, which was good, because if anyone had looked
inside, they would have found a bunch of old socks.
"Oh, can I have one of those?" Anakin asked Obi Wan, putting his lollypop on the
bench beside him.
"Sure," Obi Wan said.
"Err..." Anakin said. "Uh, what will happen to me now?"
"Oh, I'll train you."
The Jedi Council was amazed at how flippant the two were.
Mace Windu patted Obi Wan on the shoulder. "You are taking this very well, Jedi
Kenobi."
Obi Wan shrugged, taking a bite out of his hot dog.
"Well, you know what they say, Master Windu."
Mace frowned. "No, what do they say?"
"You have to let Qui Gones be Qui Gones."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well, there it is! I hope you enjoyed it. I suppose "The Misadventures of Qui
Gon & Co" is a bit of a misnomer, because Qui Gon isn't even there at the end... Maybe
I should have called it "Yoda Strikes Back"...