when she was just a girl
she expected the world
but it flew away from her reach
so she ran away in her sleep
and dreamed of para, para, paradise
every time she closed her eyes.
Being Quinn Fabray was not easy.
Everyday she had to walk down the halls of McKinley High and act as if everything was normal. She would place arms akimbo and regard everyone with cool indifference. Whenever someone spoke to her, she would blink slowly, tongue darting out to whet her lips, as if there were a million things better she could be doing at that moment. She'd laugh, an airy snort, whenever Rachel stood up in Glee and started waving her arms about, discussing her latest plans to claim them the trophy at Nationals. And Quinn would lean to the side, finding Santana's ear with a dry insult. "Maybe if Finn ate her this time, we'd win." Finn dripped off her tongue with almost as much venom as her did.
All of these things looked to come so easy to her, because Quinn had spent enough time pretending to be something she wasn't. It was just natural now. Pink hair or blonde, Cheerio or Glee, Quinn or Lucy, she could adapt. She'd pull it off, and the other students would be none the wiser.
Brittany and Santana knew her the best out of everyone in the school, and even they didn't notice. They probably didn't even know the real Quinn, just the hard shell she'd formed for herself.
Outside of the school, there was an exception. Outside of the school there was Matthew.
Matthew was twenty-two and played in a band. Quinn had met him outside of a 7-Eleven looking for cigarettes whilst she was with the skanks. He'd given her a smirk, and pressed the change into her palm. Quinn caught her tongue between her teeth as she made a tight fist around the notes. "No need to pay, hun." And any other man would have had himself destroyed by the football team by even trying that term with her, but Matthew was different.
They kept in touch. He hated her blonde hair, at first. That was when she had to talk. She had to explain what it was all for.
"That girl you met, that's me." Quinn had said, as she began to explain the Beth saga to him. Her vital organs wanted to escape via the newly formed hole in the pit of her stomach as she spoke. Matthew was just going to up and leave her now, the pathetic teen mum that she was. But he stayed and listened, expression clouded with cigarette smoke.
It was cathartic. The smoke and the talking.
Quinn kept the tears hidden behind her glassy eyes, but wasted no time excusing herself to the bathroom after she finished speaking.
She couldn't tell whether the tears were because Matthew hadn't left, or because she'd finally been open to someone about Beth. Quinn lied so much in her life that telling the truth, for once, was a great relief.
–––
They started dating a few weeks after they'd met. Matthew took her everywhere, he showed interest in what she did. Whenever Glee was over, and Cheerio's practice, once she'd rejoined, he waited in the parking lot. They'd drive around, and Quinn spoke of her day, cigarette in one hand hanging out the window.
At school, Quinn Fabray smiled again.
It wasn't a kind thing, still marred with disdain - it was the most convincing smile she could make. Beneath it, though, there was happiness. For once, there was happiness. Quinn didn't know when she'd last been so happy - was it Finn or Puck or Sam? Or Beth? Those precious few moments she'd spent with her daughter in her arms, they had to be it.
But now she'd found it. She'd found someone to love her, to hold her - to keep her safe.
It was paradise.
Matthew treated Quinn like she was a queen. Most days, when she got in his car, something sat on the passenger seat. Shoes, clothes, chocolates, cigarettes. No matter what it was, there was thought there. He'd drive her just out of town and they'd spend hours in the car talking and making out, sharing smoke in the backseat.
–––
"Quinn!"
The blonde turned on her heel, both hands grasping the strap of her Cheerio's bag. "Berry." Her tone was sharp. "What do you want?" Matthew was waiting outside for her in the car, and she didn't want to keep him waiting. Being with him was the highlight of her day, and Rachel had the nerve to ruin that for her.
"I've noticed - well, that is to say we in Glee Club have noticed - that you're hanging out with a boy." Rachel had such a strange manner of speaking - it was almost detached, in a way, as though she were listing off facts rather than being involved in a conversation.
Quinn rolled her eyes. "Do go on, please." She drawled, shifting her grip on the bag. "It's not like I have plans."
"Ah, of course - with your boyfriend, I assume." Rachel didn't say it as a question, instead mustering up a tentative smile before ploughing onwards. "Well, I shall make it short, then. We are just concerned about your... habits. Santana saw you smoking with this male friend of yours, and we can all smell it on you."
Quinn maintained a detached expression, causing Rachel to stumble over her words.
"W-well, really, I just wanted to ask if you'd stop. You have... such a lovely voice, Quinn. And you know we're all happy to have you back with us, it would be a shame to ruin that with a dirty habit like smoking." When she finished, Rachel gave herself a tiny, self-satisfied nod.
Mental gold star, most likely. Quinn though to herself, straight faced. "Thanks for the concern, Rachel, but I'm a big girl now. I can take care of myself." And with that she turned about-face and made straight for the parking lot.
"Alright." Rachel said, voice disrupted by Quinn's sharp footsteps. "I'll see you tomorrow!" She called out. Quinn couldn't tell whether Rachel was saying so out of awkwardness, or because she was keeping up this pretense of them being friends. Whatever it was, Quinn didn't care. She didn't need Rachel's friendship.
–––
Matthew wasn't happy about being kept waiting.
"Where were you?" He asked, voice tense as he finished another cigarette. The next one was lit between his lips within seconds.
Quinn sighed, taking a long drag from her own smoke. "Rachel wanted to talk." Matthew hadn't asked her about her day yet. Quinn was already missing it, the open forum in which she could discuss all her feelings without fear.
"You don't like Rachel." Matthew said, taking a sharp left. Quinn grabbed a hold of the door handle to steady herself.
Quinn rolled her eyes again in memory of the incident. She stared at the cigarette held delicately between her fingers and took another draw, relishing the feeling. "No, I don't, but she won't be-"
Matthew, however, cut her off. "- So why would you be talking to her?" He snapped, pulling into a driveway. Quinn recognised it as his home - rented, and possibly shared with one of the other guys in his band? She wasn't sure - they didn't talk about him so much.
Mouth open to respond again, Matthew spoke over her. "Are you sure it wasn't one of those boys?"
Quinn laughed. That was what he was worried about? Didn't Matthew know how much she needed him - how terrible her life had been before?
Evidently not. His scowl deepened at the laugh, and before Quinn had a chance to blink he'd pulled his hand back and slapped it across her face. Her head snapped to the side, and Quinn couldn't find words. It was shock. For several long moments, there was no pain, just awe. She raised one hand to her cheek, the bare remains of her cigarette falling to her lap with the movement.
Tears watered in her eyes, but Matthew looked unrepentant. "I treat you like a fucking princess, you know that?" He snapped. Quinn nodded, numb, feeling the leaden taste of blood settle in her mouth. "I swear, if you're off with one of those fucking guys." He didn't finish his sentence, instead slamming his fists into the steering wheel. The horn blared.
Quinn sat in the seat, staring at her boyfriend, not sure how to react. Eventually he turned back to her, mouth set in a tight line. "Go inside and get cleaned up, you look like shit." Matthew got out first, slamming the door in his wake.
With shaking hands, Quinn picked up her bag and followed him into the house.
–––
Quinn had cleaned the blood off, still quivering. Tears made her eyes glassy, but they never fell. Quinn made sure of that. She'd suppressed tears in worse situations.
Instead she did her business, reapplied her makeup, and left the bathroom looking like the usual, infallible Quinn Fabray - albeit with a swollen lip.
Matthew pulled her into a tight embrace. Quinn flinched, but eventually relaxed. They stood in the hall for a half hour as Matthew apologised. "I love you, baby." He mumbled straight into her ear. "I don't know what I'd have done if you left me, that's all."
Quinn nodded - she had no words.
–––
School went as normal. Santana eyed up her lip, but Quinn sent her a sharp look. The Latina had to stop Brittany from commenting on it, dragging the girl to the bathroom for a discussion. Or something more. Probably something more.
Quinn made a point of going to Glee smelling of smoke, ignoring the reproachful look Mr Schue cast at her way. Rachel stared at her once she sat down, and Quinn could feel those eyes boring into the back of her head the whole time. Instead she kept her chin up, shaking her hair from her face, oozing confidence.
Matthew loved her. Quinn Fabray was unstoppable.
–––
After school, Matthew took her back to his place. "I have something for you." He said, and led her by the hand through to his room. Quinn kept her eyes closed, resisting the urge to peek.
"Open them." He whispered in her ear, and she did.
The bed was coated in rose petals - probably plastic, Matthew didn't make much money, but it was the thought that counted - and candles littered his bedside tables. Quinn's mouth fell open, about to say something, but Matthew's tongue got there first.
They had sex late on a Tuesday afternoon. It was as romantic as Quinn had come to see the act as.
Quinn spent the night, tangled up in Matthew's limbs, skin on skin.
–––
I'm going to be late today. I have to practice for sectionals. Love you. xx
Quinn stared down at her phone as the message sent, hoping to lose herself in the little animated envelope and tune out Rachel Berry's incessant jabbering.
"Quinn."
It didn't work.
Quinn heaved a sigh. "Yes?" She asked, trying to keep her voice as kind as possible. It didn't exactly work.
"As I was saying whilst you were clearly not paying attention, we're planning a duet." Rachel said, evidently pleased to be back in the limelight. "Noah made the suggestion that you two practice together - your vocals compliment one another nicely. What do you think?"
Quinn thought she should be off with her boyfriend, but settled with shrugging her shoulders. She cast a look to her side. Santana and Brittany were off stretching, and Mike had taken a few other clubbers off to practice dance moves. "Fine." Quinn said at last, shifting to sit beside Puck.
Rachel had picked out a song that suited their styles - some old thing from the eighties that Quinn didn't care for. She went through the motions, mind focused on her phone. It sat heavy in her pocket, but never once vibrated. Maybe Matthew was just busy?
Although it dragged on forever, they did eventually finish. Rachel clapped like an excited schoolgirl who just got an award, praising her vocal range - "despite the obvious mistreatment your vocal chords and lungs have experienced" were her exact words. Quinn opened her mouth to tear the girl apart, but decided against it. She had better places to be.
Puck escorted her to the car park. They made strained conversation about Beth. "We could still be there for her." He said once they'd reached the asphalt, laying a hand on her shoulder. Quinn shied away. "We could be the parents Beth needs."
Quinn's eyes darted to the side, catching sight of Matthew's car idling. She chewed on the inside of her cheek. "Not now, okay?" Was all she said, all but running to the car.
–––
Matthew wasn't happy. Quinn had expected that.
The punch wasn't as surprising as the slap had been. They were in his bedroom, and though it took her breath away, Quinn deserved it. "I'm sorry." She managed, sucking in a sharp breath. When he kicked her in the stomach, Quinn apologised again. It came out like a mantra, a litany of sorry.
This time he didn't hit her face. Just her body, where no one would see. Quinn smiled despite her welling tears. He cared enough to not want anyone to worry. It was her own fault for letting Puck touch her. That man only bought her trouble. Quinn didn't need him to make her perfect family. She'd get Beth back and her and Matthew would live happily ever after.
Quinn didn't know how long she'd spent on the floor before Matthew curled up behind her, spooning her sore body.
–––
"Is something wrong, Quinn?" Rachel's voice was low, conspiratorial. Everyone else was watching Mike and Brittany demonstrate their planned dance for sectionals.
Quinn hadn't slept well the night before, and her body ached - but it wasn't with the kind of pain that hurt. It was the kind of pain that reminded her, constantly, that someone loved her. No one else had loved her like that. Her father wanted nothing more to do with her, and her mother spent most of her time associating with God than her own daughter. "Nothing, Berry." Quinn snapped, not even able to enjoy the impressive back flip Brittany pulled off.
"You've been sitting very stiff all day, Quinn. Perhaps you've hurt yourself in Cheerio's practice?" Rachel attempted again, settling one hand on Quinn's wrist.
The blonde snatched her hand back. "Perhaps, Rachel. Or perhaps you should just keep your ugly nose in your own damned business." Quinn snapped, sliding her chair away from the brunette girl. A few stray glances fell on them, but no one commented.
–––
Rachel continued to harass Quinn in the halls. It didn't matter what the topic was - her smoking or her apparently 'off' movements - the girl was always there. It drove Quinn mad. She did not need a babysitter. She did not need Rachel Berry to be looking out for her well being. Quinn was doing just fine. Maybe Matthew showed his love in weird ways - Quinn wasn't complaining. Each bruise was a mark of his love, and if Quinn could keep them forever she would. He told her that he loved her more than the other guys had - more than Finn, Puck and Sam combined.
Quinn was happy, and Rachel just wanted to ruin it.
She reached her boiling point after Cheerio's practice when Rachel was waiting for her on the bleachers. "You showed great form on top of the pyramid, Quinn." She commented, falling into step beside Quinn, who was trying her best to avoid the girl.
"Go away, Rachel." Quinn said, not bothering with any thanks - she knew she'd been great up there anywhere. Matthew didn't often come on grounds, but he'd seen her at a few games and had praised her performance. "You're beautiful up there." Rachel's comment paled into comparison to that.
"I was just wondering why you'd continue to damage your body when you have such amazing athleticism and vocal talent, though it really is nothing in comparison to my own." Rachel rattled off, as she usually did, practically stalking Quinn.
Quinn stopped dead in her tracks, turning around. "You know what, Berry? It's not all about you." She said, turning and now advancing on the smaller girl. "Every time I go into Glee it's like the fucking Rachel Berry hour, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of you thinking you know best, and I'm sick of you telling me it constantly." Quinn growled, malice on every word. She stared right down into Rachel's eyes, bearing down on her. "So you leave me alone. You go off with Finn who can't even last a minute, and you enjoy your life. Because I've got someone who loves me, and you'll never have that." Quinn's voice dropped dangerously low as Coach Sylvester walked past them. "Never."
Quinn turned to stalk away, craving a cigarette and someone to vent to. Matthew would be waiting.
"Finn and I broke up." Rachel said. Quinn stopped again, this time not turning around. "I guess you were too consumed with yourself and your boyfriend to notice." Her voice was higher, carrying across the now-empty football field to Quinn's ears. "I hope you're happy, Quinn. I just wanted to be friends."
Quinn felt her mouth go dry, though she couldn't explain it. By the time she'd turned around, some false sympathies prepared on her tongue, Rachel had disappeared.
With a sigh, Quinn set off once more for the car.
–––
They fell into a routine together. Matthew would listen to Quinn in the car whilst they rode home, and once they were in the door she was silent. It was a fair trade. Quinn took those precious minutes to get everything off her chest, and then it was Matthew's time.
He was possessive. Quinn loved it. He'd bite her body, marking every inch of her skin as his own. Each purple bruise was like Matthew had written his love across her. He'd pull her nipples, making her cry out his name, twisting them in his calloused fingers. He'd fuck her, hard and fast and dry, Quinn's hands twisted in the sheets.
"I love you." He'd say in the aftermath. Matthew would place a kiss on her neck, chest, thigh, and then get up to clean off. Quinn didn't move. He liked her to stay. "I like to see what's mine." Matthew had told her the one time Quinn had gone to clean up. Her heart had swelled. She stayed in bed, covered in sweat and saliva and blood.
–––
Quinn felt inclined to talk to Rachel after their incident on the football field. Of all the times for Rachel to listen to her requests, though, it was that one there. The diva avoided her like the plague now, and Quinn acted as if everything was perfect in her world.
And wasn't it? Rachel was no longer harassing her, ghosting her every step, and she had the most loving boyfriend in the world.
Life was perfect.
The only time Rachel spoke to her after that was about her duet with Puck. They still had some more work to do on it - Quinn sometimes struggled to hit the high notes. Rachel insisted that she be there to ensure they pulled it off well. Quinn had managed a ghost of a smile at that, agreeing to meet both Rachel and Puck in the auditorium after school.
She texted Matthew again, informing him of her plans for that afternoon. Unlike the last time, he replied within seconds.
Don't do that to me babe.
Quinn bit her lip, but eventually texted back a response.
I'm sorry, I have to. Just this once.
"Quinn, no phones in practice, please."
Quinn looked up, a sudden fear in her eyes. But she reluctantly nodded. She turned her phone off, personally knowing that one more message and he would break her. Quinn couldn't hold off that long. She wasn't as strong as she let everyone believe. Even as her phone sat there, screen blank, her heart twisted.
Instead of focusing on the pain, she threw her heart into the practice. She sang as well as she could, hoping Rachel would be pleased with the results and let them leave early. Matthew would be waiting for her, without even knowing what time her practice ended. The longer she kept him waiting, the madder he'd be
"That was perfect, Quinn!" Rachel beamed, for the first time since they'd fought.
Now that Quinn had been looking, she'd noticed the breakdown of the power Glee couple in the school. Finn had thrown himself right into football, and Quinn had noticed the team actually doing pretty good. Rachel, on the other hand, dedicated herself more to Glee. They had banners around the school - Quinn didn't look and see what Rachel was promoting, but she'd clearly hand drawn each and every one of them. They sat apart in Glee - Rachel on Quinn's side, and Finn up top with Puck and Mike.
Quinn almost felt guilty she'd missed that, but then reminded herself she didn't care.
Puck had offered to take Rachel home, and so the trio left the school together. Matthew stood outside his car, a halo of smoke forming around his head.
"Cya later, Quinn." Puck said, and Rachel gave her own farewell. Quinn raised one hand to them, but said nothing, her whole being trained on getting to Matthew's side.
He came over to meet her, striking her with a fist.
Quinn didn't even have a chance to react. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Matthew barked.
The gravel bit into her palms as Matthew rested a foot on her back, pressing her body down. "You don't turn your fucking phone off on me, you goddamn bitch. After everything I did for you." Quinn's cheek was pressed against the pavement, and she was unable to speak.
There was nothing she could do. She deserved this. As soon as she'd turned her phone off, she'd known it was a bad idea. Damn Rachel for ruining things for her again. Was it because Finn had left her that she had to try and ruin her and Matthew?
Well, Quinn knew that Matthew loved her.
He crouched down beside her, pulling on his cigarette until it glowed. "You fucking bitch." He said, pressing the end of his cigarette against the bare flesh of Quinn's shoulder. She cried out, but something drowned out her voice.
"What do you think you're doing?"
Quinn looked up to see Puck running across the car park, Rachel following on his heels. "Please, don't!" Quinn yelled, struggling to sit up again, shoulder stinging.
"This is none of your fucking business." Matthew yelled, kicking Quinn back down again. "Get in the fucking car and don't move." Was all he said to her before Puck was on him.
Quinn pulled herself together as best she could. Puck had Matthew up against the side of his car. There were punches thrown from both sides. She could hear Rachel yelling something, but it only made up the buzzing in her mind. Quinn took a few deep breaths, ignoring her shaking hands as she went around the car to the passenger side. A small bear sat on the seat, waiting for her.
Quinn didn't know if she'd been crying already, or had just started when she saw that, but she couldn't just sit down. "Get off him!" She cried, running back around the car and straight into the fighting boys.
Rachel grabbed her hand second before she was in their midst, pulling Quinn back with all her might. "Quinn, what are you doing?" She cried, wrapping her arms tight around Quinn's waist. Some of the boys on the football team had been practicing plays and noticed the drama and were now approaching, Coach Beiste blowing sharply on her whistle.
Oh God. This was all going wrong.
Quinn struggled weakly against Rachel's grip, watching as Puck hooked Matthew in the jaw. In her own mouth Quinn could taste blood, an injury mirroring her boyfriends own. "Rachel, let me go." Quinn begged, unable to do anything as Matthew was pinned to the ground. Beiste was desperately trying to get between the two boys whilst the overeager jocks involved themselves in anyway they could.
Soon the car park was full of what teachers remained in the school.
Quinn gave up, sliding to her knees. She placed her hands on the ground, feeling the grit press against the skin. If she closed her eyes, she could imagine it was Matthew still holding her there. But it wasn't. "Quinn, come on, please get up." Rachel was pleading in her ear, one arm still wrapped tight around Quinn's waist.
"He loves me." Quinn answered brokenly, curling her fingers against the ground. "You just don't get it."
–––
Quinn had been made to speak. Mr Schuester had bought Miss Pillsbury into everything, and Quinn was forced to sit there as she was spoken to about abuse. "Where is he?" Quinn asked, eyes trained on the varnished top of her desk. Rachel held her hand.
"Ah, he's been taken into custody by the police." Miss Pillsbury said, delicate with her words as always. "If you want, we can over the procedure for pressing charges, and we can have a restraining order issued."
Quinn shook her head. "I just want to go home" She mumbled, brushing her tongue against the inside of her mouth.
The taste reminded her of him.
Of love.
–––
author's notes: a two (okay possibly three) part faberry fic. never written them before, so characterisation comments are appreciated. this is an au following the start of season three.