Ranma and Akane Wake Up
by W.Brad Robinson (Zorknot)
Ch.1-Six Impossible Things
DISCLAIMER: I'm stealing from several series here most
notably Ranma 1/2. But I do this truly out of the goodness of
my heart. And because it's fun. This chapter also uses ideas
from Love Hina, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and Sailor
Moon.
NOTE: I decided I would have a crack at the old Ranma solves
everything genre. Rather than agonize over how to do it I just
wrote whatever came to mind that seemed to make some sense.
As a result this probably won't make any sense:-)
"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible
things before breakfast!"
-The Red Queen fr. Through the Looking Glass by Lewis
Carrol
"If you've done six impossible things this morning, why not
round it off with breakfast at Milliways the Restaurant at the
End of the Universe!"
-fr. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
In case you don't know... the kanji for the the first part of Ranma's name (Ran) means Chaos and the first part of Genma name (Gen) the meaning is Darkness (or at least that's my understanding)
~~~~~[START]~~~~~
Ranma tried hotter and hotter water but still nothing worked.
She was stuck as a girl.
Again.
"How many times does this have to happen?" Ranma asked the
gods. "Why can't I just be left alone? I don't even care if the
curse is cured anymore, but why do people have to mess with
it?"
"It's your karma." an old, wise voice told her. "You have
brought this on yourself, young one, and it is you alone who
can undo it."
"Bullshit! I ain't done nothin' wrong!"
"Who am I?" the old voice asked patiently.
"Who are you?! You're the ghoul, Shampoo's not so great
grandmother, Cologne."
"Idiot! If I am she, then who are you?"
"Huh? I'm Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School of
martial arts."
"You are not your school, young one, or your name. Ranma
Saotome is merely a metaphor, a way for you to deal with
whatever affects you. You use Ranma to hide yourself. You
use Ranma to run away."
"I don't know what the hell your talking about, ghoul. Look
dya know how I can go back ta bein' a man or are ya just
gonna keep confusin' the shit outta me?"
"Are you a man?"
"Okay, look, If ya really wanna go on a soul searchin' party
then fine. I'll admit it. Part of me is a girl. I accepted that after the wedding got ruined. But I'm still a man."
"What does that mean? You are not, after all, physically male
at the moment are you?"
"It MEANS that I ain't some weak willed wishy washy good
for nothin' cry baby."
"Yet you admit that part of you is like this."
"...yes."
"And you admitted this after the failed wedding?"
"Yeah..."
"Is Akane a man?"
"Of course not!"
"Do you not call her a tomboy at the slightest provocation?"
"Yeah but that's because ...I'm just messin' with her."
"Why do you do that?"
"Cause... she's just so cool...she don't let anyone get away
with anythin' and, she don't hurt anyone who can't take it. I
love that about her. I love seein' that."
"She's not 'wishy washy' then?"
"Nah, anythin' but! I mean even Shampoo, Ukyo, and
Kodachi, they got spunk but they'll do anythin' I ask! It's
irritatin'."
"You want someone you can count on. Someone you can relax
around and not worry about hurting am I right?"
"Yeah."
"You want a man."
"Hold it right there! I never said..."
"I'm just using your definition. You said a man was someone
who wasn't wishy washy and who could be counted on to
accomplish things."
"Look, I see what your sayin' but if that were true I'd be goin'
after Ryoga too and I am NOT atracted to pig boy in the least."
"Interesting you should mention Ryoga, someone with whom
you've flirted with quite forcefully in the past."
"That was just 'cause he was goin' after Akane!"
"Perhaps. But he never could deny you anything while he
thought you were female, am I right. He was weak...wishy
washy. He was a girl."
"I'll have to tell him that one sometime..."
"In fact, I would wager that the only people you are around for
any significant amount of time who are men by your definition
are the Tendo sisters, myself, and perhaps your mother.
Everyone else has some weakness that makes them loose their
willpower."
"But they're all girls!"
"And you love them all don't you. They're your true family,
the ones you go to if you're in need. Take me for instance.
Why are you talking to me of all people, when you know that
all I want is for you to marry my granddaughter. Or Nabiki,
you continually ask for her help even though she charges you
an arm and a leg for it. And Kasumi will not tolerate bad
behavior from you at all. She wields her caring, pleasant
attitude like a great weapon that cuts you only when it's absent.
These are all opponents you cannot truly defeat."
"I can take ya anytime" Ranma said half heartedly.
"Yes you could probably beat me, even without the cat fist
now. But would it be a true victory?"
"No..." Ranma admitted, " Jeez! When did I start liking
you?!"
"Happosai is another story isn't he? Even though you have yet
to defeat him in a clean fight, you have no respect for him. He
is led by his emotions, his base desires. He is not a man. Every
now and then your father actually comes close, and that is why
you have not left him even though you could have gone home
or back to China at anytime, but most of the time he is led by
his stomach, his greed, and his fear of Happosai. When he
gives into these feelings is when you hate him the most."
"Damn how do you know all this stuff about me?"
"Think of Kuno. Do you know why you fight him even though
now he isn't anywhere near your level anymore? You're afraid
of him. You're afraid of him because he doesn't give up. He is
actually quite manly by your definition, and you are attracted
to him."
"There ain't no way I'm attracted ta that jerk!"
"Sometimes I wonder if your double negatives are
intentional... Do you remember the dream you had? The dream
starts with you walking through the Tendo home. This is a
metaphor for your exploration of the new world you entered.
You go into the furo, a place of privacy and contemplation, and
there sitting with you, is Kuno, naked, his intentions revealed.
"Then you are submerged in the water, taken over by emotion,
and the water changes from hot, meaning male, to cold,
meaning female. You go from having something to attack and
defend against to being helpless. You are then in the pool
where Kuno groped you, where he revealed your femaleness,
your helplessness, and strangely enough Kuno attempts to help
you out. But he does this by extending his bokken, an obvious
symbol of manhood. He offers to help you out of your
emotional turmoil by giving you his manhood. By making you
his girlfriend. But you refuse and are submerged once again
sinking deeper and deeper into emotion passing your father in
his cursed form- a reminder of the cause of your curse.
"This is the place where Ranma the girl lives. This is the place
where you keep your fears... your doubts... your weaknesses.
This place existed ever since the first time your father called
you a girl because as soon as he did so, he provided you with a
label to put all the feelings you didn't like under. A label you
still use today. At the bottom of this place Kuno surounds you,
professing his love. You dare not move because to move
would be to accept it. But you need to move. You need to get
out of this dark emotional place you're in. The dream ends
when you drown.
"If you did not care for Kuno at all, then you would not have
had that dream. If you could not imagine being his wife you
wouldn't have dreamt of having his children on watermelon
island. And before you protest I ask you why when you were
affected by Happosai's moxibustion making you weaker than a
child you said, of all things 'the day Kuno beats me is the day I
stop being a man?'"
"That don't mean nothin'! I wouldn't date Kuno even if I were
a woman!"
"There you go with the double negatives again. But I'm proud
of you. That's the first time you've referred to being female as
being a 'woman' and not a 'girl.' And I think you have come
upon the true name for what you have been calling manhood.
It's maturity. Kuno is by no means wishy washy, but he is not
your ideal. He gives no thought to his actions. He has no
femininity. He is not woman enough to be a true man. He is not
mature. Akane still dislikes boys. She dislikes them for the
same reason you don't like girls, because they aren't mature.
What you realized after the wedding is that while in many
things you have reached a maturity beyond your years, in
relationships you have yet to grow. That you felt that you had
to be female for this to happen is regrettable, because it's put
you in your current situation."
"What?"
"I think you are a man, but you are also a girl. What you need
to do is become a woman."
"Aw, come ON! I ain't never gonna be a woman! Just give up
already!"
"I agree. You aren't 'never' going to be a woman. You will
become one right now."
"Oh yeah? How dya figure?"
"Tell me who I am."
"You are Cologne, we already went through this!"
"Heh not the old ghoul anymore?"
"No..."
"You do realize you are dreaming right?"
"I'm dreaming?"
"I thought it was obvious... I ask you once more: Who am I?"
"If I'm dreaming then...you're not really here. But then why
am I talking to you? How did you know about the dream about
Kuno? How come I could talk to you about Akane? You're not
Cologne you're..."
"Yes, you know it now, say it."
"You're me. You're that part of me that is a woman, that
knows what I am feeling, that is patient, that works things out."
"I am what makes you a man I am your wisdom, your
experience. I am the reason you excel in martial arts."
"Yes."
"Yes."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Ranma woke up. Looking at the ceiling he saw that he
was in his room. He smiled. He was male. He got out of his
futon on the floor and walked toward Akane's room. He
opened the door and leaned over Akane's sleeping form.
"Akane?"
Akane woke up and looked at Ranma bleary eyed "What is it,
Ranma?"
"I love you."
Akane reached up and touched Ranma's face. "You're...real."
She pulled him down and they kissed. It was like the mixing of
two reactive chemicals, creating an explosion of passion. When
they stopped Akane and Ranma embraced each other, their
chins over each others shoulder. Akane whispered into
Ranma's ear playfully "I love you more."
"We'll see about that." Ranma whispered back, smiling. He
never could back down from a challenge...
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
The day after the second wedding, which was held privately
with only Ranma and Akane's immediate family in attendance,
Ranma and Akane were on their way to school. Ranma could
see Shampoo coming from a mile away. He dodged her bicycle
of death easily and made sure he was between her and Akane.
"Airen go on date with Shampoo yes?"
"Sure, Shampoo, but only if my wife comes with us,"
"What you mean 'wife?'"
"Akane and I are married. I'd still like to be friends and lunch
sounds great. Why don't you bring Mousse and we'll do a
double date?" Ranma smiled. His eyes were issuing a challenge
though.
"Ranma no BAKA!" Akane's mallet hit Ranma's head
unexpectedly.
"Oooph! Gomen! Is that okay with you, Akane?"
Akane smiled and retracted her mallet. "Sure Ranma sounds
good. How about you
Shampoo?"
Shampoo looked extremely worried. "But...but...Ranma
Shampoo's airen! Is Chinese Amazon law!"
Ranma sighed, "I guess that's a 'no' then?"
"If Akane Airen's wife then Shampoo must kill!" Shampoo got
into a fighting stance.
"Oh grow up, Shampoo," Ranma admonished "We're not in
China now and I'm beyond your reach. I'm sorry your laws are
so stupid that they won't forgive you for making an honest
mistake but that doesn't mean I'm going to marry you. If you
want to fight Akane issue a challenge, but you should really
stop this hobby of yours before someone actually does get
killed." Shampoo just stood speechless. Ranma smiled. "Well,
we're goin' to be late for school if we don't get goin'. Tell your
grandmother I said 'hi!'" And with that Akane and Ranma left
for school leaving a broken hearted Shampoo in their wake.
"Do you think she'll be alright?" Ranma asked his wife.
"I'm sure she'll be fine. As long as she has someone she can
talk to. I remember when I realized I could never be with
Tofu...It'll be rough but she'll get over it I'm sure."
"But she won't be able to go home now..."
"I think her home's here now. You ever see her working? She
loves it!"
"Heh, I guess you're right." Ranma said thinking. A splash of
water hit his side changing him from male to female. Ranma
turned to see the ladle lady. "Good morning!" She said sunnily.
"Good morning, dear" the old woman replied. "Sorry if I
splashed you, I'm afraid I've been almost completely blind
since the eighties. Would you like some tea? I always keep
some hot water handy you know."
"Oh that's okay. I'm running a little late, but maybe some other
time." Ranma and Akane walked on.
"Well I guess that solves that mystery" Akane said with a
laugh.
"Yeah, why didn't I ever think to ask her for hot water
before?"
"Cause you're a baka that's why." Akane supplied.
"Oh yes I forgot."
They walked on for bit then Akane asked, "Why didn't you ask
for some just now?"
"Aside from possibly giving the woman a heart attack when I
changed forms? I dunno. I figure I'll probably end up getting
splashed again anyway. It's just not worth the trouble. It's not
like I need to be a man right now or anything."
"Right, just as long as you're a man tonight..."
"Oh, I don't know, you ever try it with another woman? Could
be fun..."
Akane pretended to get angry"RANMA!"
"Ranma PREPARE TO DIE!" A bandanna clad martial artist
(who really WAS angry) jumped in front of Akane and Ranma.
"Okay Ryoga, I've had enough of this. I want you to apologize
to Akane right now."
"Ap-p-poligize?"
"She trusted you and you continually betrayed that trust. I
know you had your reasons but I can't let it go on anymore. If
you do not tell her than I will. Promise or no promise"
"Tell me what?" Akane asked.
"Akane," Ryoga started, nervously putting his hand behind his
head, "I...that is...you know how Ranma's always..." Ryoga
shut his eyes tight and balled his hands into fists as he raised
his voice to the heavens: "I'M P-CHAN!"
"Oh I knew that already." Akane replied, smiling sweetly
"NANI?" Ranma and Ryoga asked.
"Oh sure. I knew it as soon as Ranma chased you out of the
furo that day. I knew it made him jealous and you were a pig so
it wasn't like you would do anything. I figured the best revenge
I could have on you was to pretend that you were just a normal
pig. If you ever did anything really mean to Ranma I might
have gone to the vet..."
"But why didn't you tell me?" Ranma asked not wanting to
think of what would have happened had it come to that.
"I gave you every clue I could think of, I mean I purposely
ignored it each time you called Ryoga P-chan and when he had
the Charlotte collar on. And I would always treat Ryoga just
like P-chan except without allowing him near my breasts of
course."
"Why couldn't you just tell me?"
"I made a woman to woman promise with Nabiki that I
wouldn't. She said that I'd find out why later." Akane laughed,
"I guess now I know."
Ranma looked at Akane incredulously for a moment and then
started laughing herself. "I guess I should have known!"
The only one not enjoying themselves was Ryoga. "You mean
I never had a chance?"
Akane stopped laughing. "Well, if you had told the truth to me
earlier, if you ever actually asked me out, if you didn't almost
kill me those couple of times, who knows? But you just don't
think before you act, do you, Ryoga? You just plow straight
through life without paying any attention to where you are or
where you're going. Ranma and I tried to help you along.
Akari is perfect for you, but you just can't follow directions. If
you don't like Akari that's fine, but you can't like her and not
like her at the same time. You can't have it both ways. You are
a lost boy, Ryoga. Right down to your fangs. I hope at some
point you find the way out of never never land. There's a
reason they call it that you know." Akane walked away.
Ryoga looked stunned. A strange energy filled the air. Ranma
could tell what he was about to do... "Oh no, bacon breath!
That's not going to work!" She chuckled "It's HAPPY
thoughts that get you back the real world. HAPPY thoughts.
Think about Akari, man. She loves you." And with that, Ranma
followed Akane toward school leaving Ryoga to review his
choices.
Ryoga turned and walked the other way...in exactly the
direction he needed to go.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Kuno was waiting for Akane and Ranma when they got to
school. "Hark! The sun and moon doth rise in tandem! My
goddesses approach!"
Ranma and Akane smiled at each other. Then Ranma spoke
"But oh noble Kuno! Which of us will you serve! Surely I, the
moon, am your only paramour!" she leaned into Kuno and put
her fists under her chin cutely.
"Nay, gentle Kuno! Swear not by the moon!" exclaimed
Akane, adapting a line from the part she always wanted to play
as she too leaned into Kuno. "The inconstant moon that...by
water...changes in her circled orb, lest thy love prove likewise
variable."
Ranma put the back of her hand to her forehead dramatically
"Indeed, should steaming water touch my skin I would become
that man you hold most vile! It's true! Our love could never
be!"
"Is this so?" Kuno had the look of revelation "This...explains
much...I never fully understood how the sorcerer could hold
such sway over you! Alas! Until such time as you are free of
that wretch I could no more serve you than he. But what of the
sun! Yes the ever present sun shall forever be my love! I have
decided!"
Ranma pointed at Kuno "You would turn from me so easily!
But know this: the Sun doth leave you nightly and even as she
burns today she doth burn for another. She too is under the
thrall of that dark demon that did smite a fiery god!"
Akane gave Ranma a half lidded expression and then continued
"Yes, and even though he is brash and full of himself...he yet
keeps my heart in check. Alas good Kuno...I cannot in good
faith accept your love."
Kuno knelt in front of Akane "But...but surely I may free your
heart from his insidous clutches! There must be a way!"
"Alas! It is too late!"
"Too late!" Ranma echoed Akane in the manner of a greek
play.
"Too late! For the Sun is forever tied to Darkness and Chaos."
Akane continued.
"Chaos and Darkness!"
"Chaos and Darkness bind her in truth. For she is the daughter
of Darkness."
"Darkness' daughter?"Kuno asked bewildered.
"The daughter of Darkness!" Ranma repeated.
"She is the daughter of Darkness in truth. For to Chaos, she is
wed!"
"She is wed to Chaos?!" Kuno asked, incredulous.
"To Chaos she is wed!" Ranma and Akane repeated.
"But this cannot be!" Kuno protested.
"It can and is, Oh noble Kuno of the sword! In truth the Sun
and Moon cannot be yours!" Ranma enthused with a slight
smirk.
"But cast thy nighted color off! There are others for whom
your affection will not be wasted!" Akane said worried.
"But who? Who worthy of my love would accept it?!"
"I dunno, what about her?" Ranma suggested pointing at a girl
with long black hair wearing a red and white hakama and
weilding a wooden sword.
"Keitaro, you shall die!" the girl swore to the heavens briefly
before plodding onwards.
"My love!" Kuno ran to the girl and proceeded to woo her in
his own unique way.
"Wow, that wasn't hard at all. What did I tell you? We just had
to speak in a way Kuno could understand!" Akane said as she
watched the girl -she said her name was Matoko or something-
and Kuno fight.
"Easy for you ta say! I almost died tryin' ta keep from
laughin'!" Ranma said. Matoko forced Kuno back with a surge
of air pressure from the rapid movement of her bokken. "Hey
she's pretty good!"
"Yeah it was fun! We ought to do that again sometime. I mean
I thought we were pretty good...imagine if we practiced!"
Kuno got up and attacked Matoko. She met him blow for blow
until he cut down a large tree with a wide strike, catching her
off guard and allowing him to get a hit in. "Kuno's good too
though. A hit, a palpable hit!"
"Akane, I know you like it and I gotta admit some of it's pretty
cool but let's lay off the Shakespeare for a little while okay? It
makes my head hurt." Matoko whamed Kuno on the noggin
with her bokken. "Ooh that was harsh."
"Okay no more Shakespeare for now," Akaned relented.
Kuno, barely fazed embraced Matoko firmly. "I guess we hit
him there so much he developed an immunity..."
"Suki da" Kuno said. Matoko squirmed out of his arms and ran
away, her face as red as her pants.
"Ah young love." Ranma commented as Kuno chased after the
girl. "Shall we?" Ranma offered the crook of her arm.
Akane slipped her arm in Ranma's "Oh you're so gallant!"
Akane laughed. They both entered the school. And yes they
were both girls at the time.
Ranma slept through her classes while Akane tried to learn
something, which was difficult, considering one teacher talked
in a perfect monotone and the other spent half the time playing
children's games and eating candy, and the other half draining
random students of the life energy with little or no provocation.
At lunchtime Ukyo confronted Ranma and Akane. "You too
are awfully...close to each other. Why aren't you
fighting...what gives?"
"Well, I guess you could say we both sorta woke up." Ranma
explained. "A coupla nights after Jusendo I had this weird
dream and after that everything just sorta became clear ta me. I
realized how silly I was bein'. I'm just glad Akane changed
too...I don't know what I would've done if she was still inta
her jealous tomboy routine..."
"RANMA!" Akane protested.
"Aw come on Akane, ya gotta admit you were ta blame
sometimes too."
"I guess your right...but I still think you deserved it most of the
time."
Ukyo looked a little worried. "So what about OUR
engagement, Ran-chan?
Ranma looked a little uneasy.
Akane spoke "You're not serious are you, Ukyo? You don't
REALLY want to be MARRIED to this jerk do you?"
"Hey!" Ranma protested.
Akane ignored her. "Think about it. Do you think he'd just let
you make Okonomiyaki in peace? No! Sooner or later he'll
start complaining 'Why is it Okonomiyaki again tonight! Why
can't we have something else!' Until sooner or later he says he
hates it. Could you really live with someone who hates
Okonomiyaki?"
"But Ran-chan loves my Okonomiyaki, don't you Ran-
chan?"Ukyo smiled sweetly at Ranma
"Well, actually, Ucchan ta tell ya tha truth it does get old after
a while..." Ranma admitted sheepishly. Ukyo's smile
dissapated.
"See! And I hope you don't plan on passing on your fighting
style to your children, because Mr. Anything Goes over here
won't allow that for sure."
"Alright, I'm on your side, Akane" Ranma said, causing Ukyo
to grit her teeth, "but that's not a very good reason. I mean I'm
sure I could incorporate Ukyo's style into Anything Goes
without any problem."
"Incorporate..." Ukyo murmered, "INCORPORATE! The
Kuonji School of Raging Okonomiyaki is not some kata you
can adapt to your own ends! Okonomiyaki is a way of life! It
must be followed religiously or NOT AT ALL!"
"Jeez, calm down, Ucchan I ain't gonna marry ya."
Ukyo looked a little confused. "Then why...did you LEAD ME
ON all this time?"
"When did I lead ya on? I mean I kept tellin' ya I liked ya as a
friend every chance I got. I mean the only reason I let all that
stuff with the sauce happen was cause I didn't want ya ta hate
me."
"But you called me the cute fiancee!"
"I was tryin' get back at Akane! I thought you'd realize that!
How was I ta know you would take me serious! I mean I still
thought of you as a guy fer cryin' out loud!"
"But then, you asked if I loved you..."
"Aw come on, Ucchan can we not talk about that please?"
Akane raised her finger in the air."Actually I'm a little bit
interested in that myself."
"Aw jeez, I was feelin' bad okay? Think about it. How would
you feel if Tsubasa started hating you. I mean you don't even
like Tsubasa right? But what if he actually hated you? Now
you see Konatsu. Wouldn't ya want some reasurance that..."
"Well I certainly wouldn't..." Akane offered.
"No...Akane, I think I see what he means..."Ukyo started to
chuckle then she pointed accusingly at Ranma "You just
wanted to feel attractive! You can't stand the thought of not
being pretty!"
"Um...well I wouldn't put it quite like that..."
Akane bopped her forehead with her palm "Of course! It makes
sense! Ranma can be SUCH a girl sometimes!"
"Hello? I'm still here ya know."Ranma interjected.
"Oh don't worry Ranma, that's one of the reasons I love you."
Akane hugged her currently female husband tightly.
Ukyo's mouth went slack "Did you just say...?"
Ranma put her arm around Akane's waist, returning the hug.
"Ukyo you're my best friend, even like a sister or somethin'
but I couldn't marry ya. I don't love ya like that. I only love my
wife like that." Ranma looked at Akane affectionately.
Ukyo was at a loss "I...you mean?...I guess ...
congratulations, JACKASS!" Tears welled up in her eyes and
she ran off.
"Well, I feel like crap now." Ranma said.
"I know, Ranma, I do too, but it had to be done sometime. We
did the best we could."
"I s'pose you're right." Ranma got up and walked to the door.
"Ranma? Where are you going?"
"I think I need to be male now..."
"Well that's fine with me, but why now?"
After they got married Ranma and Akane agreed to be open
and honest with each other at all times. That included this one.
Ranma hesitated, then responded,"It's 'cause I think...maybe
you and Ucchan were right. That still sorta scares me ya know.
I just need ta... make sure I'm still a man." The last part was
almost a whisper.
Akane nodded and sat back down. When Ranma came back,
male, class was just starting again. When Ranma got to his seat
next to Akane, she angle the sheet on her notebook so he could
see. "I want to go back to Jusenkyo," it said.
"Huh? You don't mean..." Ranma whispered.
Akane nodded. Then she wrote more: "I want to share
everything with you, Ranma." And she underlined
"everything" several times.
Ranma sat back in his seat, wide eyed. He stayed like that
almost the rest of the school day looking at Akane from time to
time and thinking. He'd just as soon forget about Jusenkyo and
all the trouble it caused him, and he didn't want Akane to go
through what he went through, but if Akane were to be cursed,
they would be that much closer. There was a selfish part of
Ranma that wanted that despite the counsequences. There was
also a mischievious and disturbingly female part of him that
wanted to see what Akane would look like as a man.
The teacher was just happy that he could see Ranma's face.
When class let out for gym Ranma wanted to ask Akane about
the note, but a certain crazed gymnast chose that moment to
make an appearance.
There was a sudden storm of black rose petals and a sound that
seemed to echo from the walls of the school and ring through
the metal of chainlink fence."AHhahahahaha!
OHhohohohoho! Hee hee hee! It seems the peasant Akane
thinks she is worthy of my darling Ranma-sama! Surely even
one as dense as she can tell that she is no match for the Black
Rose!"
Akane eyes thinned and she raised her fists and advanced
toward Kodachi...until she was impeded by Ranma's left arm.
"Wait," Ranma said softly. He walked to Kodachi and bowed
low to the ground on his knees. "Oh Kodachi-sama! You are so
right, you're blood is so noble you deserve what's rightfully
yours! But first, please grant me one request?"
"What is it my darling Ranma?"
"It's just that since our relationship is going to change into
something more...beneficial for us both I thought that we
might start using pet names."
"What a delightful idea! But what should I call you if not my
darling?"
"I've always wanted to be called...Little Pony. It's a fantasy of
mine. My name you see."
"How fitting! But then what would you call me?"
Ranma hesitated "Princess...as befits your rank and stature
Kodachi-sama."
"Oh that's perfect! Rise, my Little Pony. You have no need to
beg for such a thing."
Ranma stood up.
Kodachi moved to embrace him, but suddenly, he wasn't there.
"Where did you go, my Little Pony?"
"She's all yours," Ranma whispered in Akane's ear as he
passed her using the Umisenken. He found Nabiki hiding
behind a bush. He reappeared crouched beside her. "Are they
coming?" He asked quietly.
"They should be here any second now, little pony." Nabiki
replied with a smirk.
"Hardy har har. So... how much is this goin' ta cost me?"
"This one's on the house. The entertainment value alone more
than makes up for it. Plus I've got all sorts of bets on this one.
Besides... its fun having a little brother." The last part was said
a little more seriously than intended. The wedding had brought
out the worst in Ranma's fiancees. Even Ukyo used explosive
okonomiyaki on the pair, even if it wasn't very powerful.
Shampoo's arsenal was about ten times more lethal. Tatewaki
Kuno was actually one of more innocent of the suitors. while
he had brought a metal blade, he revealed later that it was his
family blade and that since the marriage was a matter of honor
he could use no less, but that he intended to only use the blunt
edge. Kodachi however, was by far the worst. There was a
reason she wore a black wedding dress, and it wasn't because
she happened to like the color.
"What have you done with my little pony, harridan!" Kodachi
demanded of Akane when she couldn't find Ranma.
"He is. not. yours!" Akane's mallet winked into existance, and
she brandished it in righteous fury. Ranma had convinced her
that killing Kodachi wouldn't be right, but for that wedding
dress...she deserved to SUFFER.
A couple of days after the wedding Happosai tore throught the
wedding presents to see if there was any lingerie. When he
opened the one from Kodachi a poison cloud enveloped him.
Even with his supernatural constitution, he almost died. If the
wedding had gone as originally planned Ranma and Akane
would have certainly been dead. Kodachi was dressed for a
wedding and a funeral. The other fiancees and rivals had
actually saved Ranma and Akane's lives.
Kodachi's ribbon winked into existence as well. She lashed out
with it and snatched Akane's mallet away. "Mallet-sama! I've
found you at last!"
The realization suddenly hit Akane. She had first found the
mallet after Kodachi threatened her before the Rythmic
Gymnastics match. She had gotten angry at Ranma, and it just
was THERE...Right where she needed it. She had never
recognized it from Kodachi's attack so she never knew where it
came from. She just thought it was some ki technique she had
learned accidently. But where ever it came from...it was a part
of her.
She was, by nature, a violent girl. It was time to show Kodachi
HOW violent. While Kodachi was distracted, Akane unleashed
a haymaker into the inside of Kodachi's right arm, breaking the
bone with an audible pop. Kodachi screamed in pain. The
ribbon and mallet disappeared. "That was for trying to kill me
and Ranma," Akane declared, "and THIS, " Akane said as the
mallet suddenly appeared in her hand once again, "Is for the
dress!" She swung the hammer in an upwards motion,
connecting with Kodachi's jaw. Kodachi was lifted four meters
into the air and when she landed it was with a meter long skid
across the pavement.
Many people lost money today, but Nabiki wasn't one of them.
Sure Kodachi might have superior skill, but the ones who bet
on her never saw Akane in full berserker mode. "The way I
figure it," Nabiki muttered, "I still owe you."
Ranma smiled. He saw the men in white coats come on the
scene just in time. "Nah, I don't think so...Nabiki, I think it's
pretty cool havin' you as a sister too."
Nabiki hoped Ranma didn't see the tears that welled up when
he said that. She still had a reputation to protect.
"The PAIN! Ow! Mallet-sama! Why have you forsaken me!"
Kodachi moaned.
The men in white look at each other and the broken, bleeding
girl before them. "Looks like her," One said to the other.
Kodachi crawled around aimlessly "Where are you my little
pony! Your princess needs you!"
"Yep," said the man in white, "Definitely her. Help me get her
to the van." They picked up Kodachi's writhing form and with
an ii uu ii uu took her to the white van. The back doors were
open, welcoming Kodachi into the padded interior. When the
men closed the doors the lettering read: "Happy Holiday
Sanitarium."
Kodachi wouldn't be wearing black again for a while.
Ranma and Nabiki walked out from behind the bush. "That
was awesome!" Ranma praised Akane, "Imagine if you
actually knew martial arts!"
Akane's hammer lightly bonked him on his head. "Baka."
Akane declared. She couldn't keep from smiling though. Most
girls would be upset if their husbands left them to fend for
themselves, but most girls weren't Akane. Ranma believed in
her, trusted her. That was worth any of his jibes, accidental or
otherwise. In fact, the teasing somehow made her love Ranma
even more.
A bell sounded, signaling the school day was done.
"Well I guess we might as well get home and start packing
huh?" Akane said.
Ranma's stomach grumbled in protest. "Er... I think we better
go get something to eat. I didn't get to finish lunch and I think
we skipped breakfast."
Akane's stomach grumbled in agreement. "Yeah I guess you're
right!"
Nabiki smirked at Ranma and Akane's repartee. "Well, I'm
going to go home, but I think you two should celebrate.
Here..." Nabiki brought a billfold out of a pocket in her
uniform. And took out something shiny and plastic. "This is
called a credit card. It's in YOUR name... and don't think I'm
going to pay it off for you, but I thought you should splurge a
bit today." Akane took the card and Nabiki walked off.
"We really should celebrate huh?" Akane said looking at the
card.
"Well yeah. I mean we got Shampoo ta stop botherin' us...We
found out why the ladle lady kept splashing me...Then there
was Ryoga, who I think we helped..."
"Right, then there was Kuno, Ukyo, and Kodachi... Wait a
minute that's six impossible things isn't it?"
Ranma smiled "Yes, my Red Queen."
Akane put her fist on her hip. "Red Queen... You wouldn't be
making a reference to a certain Engish book would you?"
"Aw...You're the one that made me read it!"
"You didn't have to finish it in a single night though!" Akane
said with a smile.
"Well it WAS pretty cool...And you ARE my Red Queen...in
all the good ways" Ranma looked away blushing slightly.
Akane turned Ranma's head around with both her hands and
planted a kiss right on Ranma's lips. When they were finished
she said, "And you are the foul sorcerer that holds me in
thrall."
Ranma had a dopey grin on his face. "Yeah we should
DEFINATELY celebrate. How about we eat over there,"
Ranma pointed to a new restaurant that dominated a street
corner with the katakana for "Miriwaisu" "It looks good and
expensive. And we can use that thingy Nabiki gave us. A
'Credit Card' was it? I want to see how this magic works."
"Sounds good to me!"
Ranma and Akane walked through the door hand in hand. It
closed behind them with an odd click WOOSH.
Ranma felt uneasy about that sound, but he could put his finger
on why...
When they were inside they saw an odd video display behind a
strange cylindrical aquarium that held about twenty little
yellow fish. The display seemed to show various types of
beings pressing a black button on the cylindrical aquarium,
picking up a fish, and sticking it into various orifices.
Ranma nodded, pressed the black button twice, took a fish for
himself and gave the other to Akane.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Akane asked.
"Stick it in your ear. Didn't you see the display?" The display
reminded Ranma of his training in China before Jusenkyo and
the Amazons. The instructer would show him the moves and he
would copy them. It was second nature to him now. Ranma
stuck the little fish into his ear. There was small, audible pop.
And Ranma's eyes went wide. "Hey it's translatin' or
somethin'!"
Akane crinkled her nose at the fish, shrugged and stuck it in
her ear. Suddenly she heard what sounded like garbles and
tweaks turn into a calm mechanical voice with a cultured
accent saying "Welcome to Milliways, the Restaurant at the
End of the Universe. A server will seat you shortly."
"Wow," Ranma noted, "They sure pulled out all the stops
here!"
Akane had to agree. The place was much, much, bigger on the
inside then on the outside, and the ceiling opened out into a star
studded space-scape. Oddly the stars seemed to be moving in a
slow spiral toward... something. The entire restaurant was
filled with monsters, demons, and other types of youkai, all
apparently drinking and having a good time, except for a few
that seemed to have had a little too much, and were busy trying
to keep all their body fluids in one place.
It didn't take that much of a stretch in logic to conclude that
this is what passed for posh in Nerima.
"No wonder the Kunos are so crazy!" Akane said.
"You said it." Ranma agreed.
A dignified, elderly humanoid gentleman approached Ranma
and Akane wearing a tuxedo and holding two menus. He had
an air about him of polite snobbery, mixed with a touch of
depression. "Welcome to Milliways," He sighed, "Please
follow me to your seats."
"The service here is great! We didn't have to wait long at all
did we, Ranma?"
"Nope," Ranma answered dumbly. His eyes were still taking in
the sights around him.
The waiter motioned them to their tables and they sat down.
"Sir and Madame should not be surprised, as the reservations
have been made fifty billion years in advance," the waiter
droned.
"Huh?" This shocked Ranma out of his...shock. "How's that
possible?"
"The universe shall be exploding for you momentarily," the
waiter said, ignoring what was apparently an assinine question,
"In the meantime, would Sir or Madame like anything from the
bar?"
Akane smiled "You wouldn't happen to have any Nannichuan
water by any chance would you?" She winked at Ranma, and
they both chuckled a bit at the joke. Although Ranma laughed a
tad bit more nervously.
The waiter wrote something down on his pad and asked
"Would you like that sparkling or flat, Madame?"
Akane jaw went slack "Uh...flat's fine, " she said absently.
The waiter nodded and turned to Ranma, whose look of
surprise stretched the limits of human expression. "And what
would Sir like?"
"Um...uh...Just some green tea I guess," Ranma ventured.
Ranma was feeling a little on edge about the Nannichuan, and
he wanted something to calm him down. Kasumi would have
been proud.
"Tea, Sir?" The waiter questioned.
"Yeah, just tea, is that okay?"
"I'm afraid we do not have any 'tea' in stock. Perhaps if Sir
would stick to the more popular choices..."
"Wait a minute, you have Nannichuan water, but you don't
have tea???" Ranma asked, incredulous.
The waiter rolled his eyes."Sir has repeated my words
admirably. Now if Sir would please choose another
beverage..."
"Well what do ya got then?"
"There's the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, a very popular choice
among semi-sentient carbon-based life forms, Old Janx Spirit,
Liquid Lead Pipe Labotomy, Death Reborn Revolution..."
All these drinks sounded to Ranma like they would do nasty
things to someone's mind, "Dya have anythin' non-alcoholic?"
"Yes, Sir. There's Nannichuan water, Nyannichuan water, the
water of Lethe, water from the river Styx, Tears of a Dragon,
Blood of a Dragon, Unicorn Blood, Blood from the Ravenous
Bugblatter Beast of Traal, and Apple Juice."
"But no tea."
"No, Sir."
Ranma sighed. "I guess I'll have some Apple juice then."
"An excellent choice, Sir. Would that be with or without the
yak urine?"
"Without. Please," Ranma stated emphatically.
"As you wish, Sir. Would Sir or Madame like to meet the main
course?"
Ranma shrugged. "Uh...sure."
"I'll have him brought out shortly with your drinks Sir.
Madame," the waiter droned, bowing slightly in deference to
Ranma and Akane before leaving.
Once he was gone, Akane spoke, "Do you think they really
have Nannichuan, Ranma?"
"I don't know. But if it's real...are you sure you want to use
it?"
"Ranma, It's something I've been thinking about for awhile
now. Ever since...That Night. Its been an obsession
even..."Akane looked at her hands on the table, blushing.
"Akane...you don't know what you're saying..."
Akane looked up."I know it will be hard, Ranma, but I've got
you right?... If you don't want me too I won't."Akane looked
straight into Ranma's eyes questioningly.
Ranma held the gaze for a moment then looked at the space
scape out side as it swirled. "Well...if you really want to...we
could get some instant Nannichuan..."
"Ranma." Akane interrupted.
"What?"
"I'm bisexual."
Ranma stared at Akane stunned. "NANI?"
"You heard me."
Ranma was at a loss"Akane...I...for how long?"
"What do you mean 'for how long?' baka?"
"Well...its just...I wasn't...that is before I got the curse..."
Akane's eyes widened. "Goodness! No wonder you hated the
curse!" She looked down at the table a little darkly. "Me, I had
no one to hate but myself...and you."
"Huh?"
"When I first learned about your curse...I was jealous."
"That long... but you never showed it or nothin'!"
"Ranma, what did I say about Shampoo when she first came?"
"You said..." Ranma's eyes widened in revelation "You said
she looked cute! And you would never mallet Shampoo...only
me! You wanted Shampoo to yourself!"
Akane's eyes thinned in irritation. "You don't have to put it
quite like that"
"Gomen gomen... I'm one to talk. I mean ya prob'ly already
know about Ryoga right?"
Akane almost stood up as she she slapped her hands on the
table, smiling triumphantly. "I KNEW it! You're such a flirt
Ranma!"
"Uh...yeah...Look I'm still gettin' used to the idea so let's
move on to somethin' else okay?"
"So you don't mind?" Akane asked hopefully.
"Huh? The Nannichuan? No...ta tell ya the truth..." Ranma let
the corners of his mouth come up, "I think it might be fun."
Akane rose above the table and kissed Ranma , holding his
head with both hands. "I'm so glad!" She said after releasing
him.
Ranma, red faced."But why tell me this now?"
"You know that night you came into my room and told me that
you loved me?"
"I live in that moment eternally." Ranma said wistfully.
Akane smirked "Careful Ranma, you're getting poetic...."
"Aw, Akane I'll be more poetic than Kuno...for you. What
were you saying? About That Night?" The capitalization
Ranma put on "That Night" was audible.
"Remember I had a dream before you came in... It was in that
dream that I realized... that I really was a tomboy. That part of
the reason why I loved you...was that you were a girl."
"Wow! That sounds almost like my dream! Who did you
dream about?"
"Why you, silly! Who else would I dream about?" Akane
lightly whacked Ranma's arm smiling sunnily. Then her smile
dimmed a bit and she cocked her head in thought. "Wait a
minute you had someone in your dream too?"
Ranma nodded hesitantly.
"Well who did YOU dream about?"
"Cologne."
Akane paused and thinned her lips. "Ranma...that's sick.
That's extremely and utterly uber-sick!"
"Hey it ain't like I can pick what dreams I get or nothin'!"
Ranma was about to continue when suddenly he was distracted
by a large, vaguely pig-like creature gorging itself on
vegetables while it was wheeled toward his table by a younger
waiter. The old waiter followed with their drinks.
"Hello there," The pig creature greeted from atop a large silver
platter. "I'm the main course. Might I suggest something off
my shoulder?"
This was a little TOO weird. Even for Nerima.
"Akane?" Ranma asked as the old waiter set down their drinks
in front of them
"Yes, Ranma?" She respond absently, being equally distracted
by the pig-creature.
"How do you feel about leaving on our honeymoon a little
early?"
"Um... okay, but why?"
"Because," Ranma said, looking at the stars outside and the
other creatures in the restaurant with a new respect, "Suddenly,
I don't think we're in Nerima anymore."
~~~~~[END]~~~~~
C&C apreciated.
Douglas Adams is dead. Long live Douglas Adams.
by W.Brad Robinson (Zorknot)
Ch.1-Six Impossible Things
DISCLAIMER: I'm stealing from several series here most
notably Ranma 1/2. But I do this truly out of the goodness of
my heart. And because it's fun. This chapter also uses ideas
from Love Hina, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, and Sailor
Moon.
NOTE: I decided I would have a crack at the old Ranma solves
everything genre. Rather than agonize over how to do it I just
wrote whatever came to mind that seemed to make some sense.
As a result this probably won't make any sense:-)
"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible
things before breakfast!"
-The Red Queen fr. Through the Looking Glass by Lewis
Carrol
"If you've done six impossible things this morning, why not
round it off with breakfast at Milliways the Restaurant at the
End of the Universe!"
-fr. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
In case you don't know... the kanji for the the first part of Ranma's name (Ran) means Chaos and the first part of Genma name (Gen) the meaning is Darkness (or at least that's my understanding)
~~~~~[START]~~~~~
Ranma tried hotter and hotter water but still nothing worked.
She was stuck as a girl.
Again.
"How many times does this have to happen?" Ranma asked the
gods. "Why can't I just be left alone? I don't even care if the
curse is cured anymore, but why do people have to mess with
it?"
"It's your karma." an old, wise voice told her. "You have
brought this on yourself, young one, and it is you alone who
can undo it."
"Bullshit! I ain't done nothin' wrong!"
"Who am I?" the old voice asked patiently.
"Who are you?! You're the ghoul, Shampoo's not so great
grandmother, Cologne."
"Idiot! If I am she, then who are you?"
"Huh? I'm Ranma Saotome of the Anything Goes School of
martial arts."
"You are not your school, young one, or your name. Ranma
Saotome is merely a metaphor, a way for you to deal with
whatever affects you. You use Ranma to hide yourself. You
use Ranma to run away."
"I don't know what the hell your talking about, ghoul. Look
dya know how I can go back ta bein' a man or are ya just
gonna keep confusin' the shit outta me?"
"Are you a man?"
"Okay, look, If ya really wanna go on a soul searchin' party
then fine. I'll admit it. Part of me is a girl. I accepted that after the wedding got ruined. But I'm still a man."
"What does that mean? You are not, after all, physically male
at the moment are you?"
"It MEANS that I ain't some weak willed wishy washy good
for nothin' cry baby."
"Yet you admit that part of you is like this."
"...yes."
"And you admitted this after the failed wedding?"
"Yeah..."
"Is Akane a man?"
"Of course not!"
"Do you not call her a tomboy at the slightest provocation?"
"Yeah but that's because ...I'm just messin' with her."
"Why do you do that?"
"Cause... she's just so cool...she don't let anyone get away
with anythin' and, she don't hurt anyone who can't take it. I
love that about her. I love seein' that."
"She's not 'wishy washy' then?"
"Nah, anythin' but! I mean even Shampoo, Ukyo, and
Kodachi, they got spunk but they'll do anythin' I ask! It's
irritatin'."
"You want someone you can count on. Someone you can relax
around and not worry about hurting am I right?"
"Yeah."
"You want a man."
"Hold it right there! I never said..."
"I'm just using your definition. You said a man was someone
who wasn't wishy washy and who could be counted on to
accomplish things."
"Look, I see what your sayin' but if that were true I'd be goin'
after Ryoga too and I am NOT atracted to pig boy in the least."
"Interesting you should mention Ryoga, someone with whom
you've flirted with quite forcefully in the past."
"That was just 'cause he was goin' after Akane!"
"Perhaps. But he never could deny you anything while he
thought you were female, am I right. He was weak...wishy
washy. He was a girl."
"I'll have to tell him that one sometime..."
"In fact, I would wager that the only people you are around for
any significant amount of time who are men by your definition
are the Tendo sisters, myself, and perhaps your mother.
Everyone else has some weakness that makes them loose their
willpower."
"But they're all girls!"
"And you love them all don't you. They're your true family,
the ones you go to if you're in need. Take me for instance.
Why are you talking to me of all people, when you know that
all I want is for you to marry my granddaughter. Or Nabiki,
you continually ask for her help even though she charges you
an arm and a leg for it. And Kasumi will not tolerate bad
behavior from you at all. She wields her caring, pleasant
attitude like a great weapon that cuts you only when it's absent.
These are all opponents you cannot truly defeat."
"I can take ya anytime" Ranma said half heartedly.
"Yes you could probably beat me, even without the cat fist
now. But would it be a true victory?"
"No..." Ranma admitted, " Jeez! When did I start liking
you?!"
"Happosai is another story isn't he? Even though you have yet
to defeat him in a clean fight, you have no respect for him. He
is led by his emotions, his base desires. He is not a man. Every
now and then your father actually comes close, and that is why
you have not left him even though you could have gone home
or back to China at anytime, but most of the time he is led by
his stomach, his greed, and his fear of Happosai. When he
gives into these feelings is when you hate him the most."
"Damn how do you know all this stuff about me?"
"Think of Kuno. Do you know why you fight him even though
now he isn't anywhere near your level anymore? You're afraid
of him. You're afraid of him because he doesn't give up. He is
actually quite manly by your definition, and you are attracted
to him."
"There ain't no way I'm attracted ta that jerk!"
"Sometimes I wonder if your double negatives are
intentional... Do you remember the dream you had? The dream
starts with you walking through the Tendo home. This is a
metaphor for your exploration of the new world you entered.
You go into the furo, a place of privacy and contemplation, and
there sitting with you, is Kuno, naked, his intentions revealed.
"Then you are submerged in the water, taken over by emotion,
and the water changes from hot, meaning male, to cold,
meaning female. You go from having something to attack and
defend against to being helpless. You are then in the pool
where Kuno groped you, where he revealed your femaleness,
your helplessness, and strangely enough Kuno attempts to help
you out. But he does this by extending his bokken, an obvious
symbol of manhood. He offers to help you out of your
emotional turmoil by giving you his manhood. By making you
his girlfriend. But you refuse and are submerged once again
sinking deeper and deeper into emotion passing your father in
his cursed form- a reminder of the cause of your curse.
"This is the place where Ranma the girl lives. This is the place
where you keep your fears... your doubts... your weaknesses.
This place existed ever since the first time your father called
you a girl because as soon as he did so, he provided you with a
label to put all the feelings you didn't like under. A label you
still use today. At the bottom of this place Kuno surounds you,
professing his love. You dare not move because to move
would be to accept it. But you need to move. You need to get
out of this dark emotional place you're in. The dream ends
when you drown.
"If you did not care for Kuno at all, then you would not have
had that dream. If you could not imagine being his wife you
wouldn't have dreamt of having his children on watermelon
island. And before you protest I ask you why when you were
affected by Happosai's moxibustion making you weaker than a
child you said, of all things 'the day Kuno beats me is the day I
stop being a man?'"
"That don't mean nothin'! I wouldn't date Kuno even if I were
a woman!"
"There you go with the double negatives again. But I'm proud
of you. That's the first time you've referred to being female as
being a 'woman' and not a 'girl.' And I think you have come
upon the true name for what you have been calling manhood.
It's maturity. Kuno is by no means wishy washy, but he is not
your ideal. He gives no thought to his actions. He has no
femininity. He is not woman enough to be a true man. He is not
mature. Akane still dislikes boys. She dislikes them for the
same reason you don't like girls, because they aren't mature.
What you realized after the wedding is that while in many
things you have reached a maturity beyond your years, in
relationships you have yet to grow. That you felt that you had
to be female for this to happen is regrettable, because it's put
you in your current situation."
"What?"
"I think you are a man, but you are also a girl. What you need
to do is become a woman."
"Aw, come ON! I ain't never gonna be a woman! Just give up
already!"
"I agree. You aren't 'never' going to be a woman. You will
become one right now."
"Oh yeah? How dya figure?"
"Tell me who I am."
"You are Cologne, we already went through this!"
"Heh not the old ghoul anymore?"
"No..."
"You do realize you are dreaming right?"
"I'm dreaming?"
"I thought it was obvious... I ask you once more: Who am I?"
"If I'm dreaming then...you're not really here. But then why
am I talking to you? How did you know about the dream about
Kuno? How come I could talk to you about Akane? You're not
Cologne you're..."
"Yes, you know it now, say it."
"You're me. You're that part of me that is a woman, that
knows what I am feeling, that is patient, that works things out."
"I am what makes you a man I am your wisdom, your
experience. I am the reason you excel in martial arts."
"Yes."
"Yes."
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
Ranma woke up. Looking at the ceiling he saw that he
was in his room. He smiled. He was male. He got out of his
futon on the floor and walked toward Akane's room. He
opened the door and leaned over Akane's sleeping form.
"Akane?"
Akane woke up and looked at Ranma bleary eyed "What is it,
Ranma?"
"I love you."
Akane reached up and touched Ranma's face. "You're...real."
She pulled him down and they kissed. It was like the mixing of
two reactive chemicals, creating an explosion of passion. When
they stopped Akane and Ranma embraced each other, their
chins over each others shoulder. Akane whispered into
Ranma's ear playfully "I love you more."
"We'll see about that." Ranma whispered back, smiling. He
never could back down from a challenge...
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
The day after the second wedding, which was held privately
with only Ranma and Akane's immediate family in attendance,
Ranma and Akane were on their way to school. Ranma could
see Shampoo coming from a mile away. He dodged her bicycle
of death easily and made sure he was between her and Akane.
"Airen go on date with Shampoo yes?"
"Sure, Shampoo, but only if my wife comes with us,"
"What you mean 'wife?'"
"Akane and I are married. I'd still like to be friends and lunch
sounds great. Why don't you bring Mousse and we'll do a
double date?" Ranma smiled. His eyes were issuing a challenge
though.
"Ranma no BAKA!" Akane's mallet hit Ranma's head
unexpectedly.
"Oooph! Gomen! Is that okay with you, Akane?"
Akane smiled and retracted her mallet. "Sure Ranma sounds
good. How about you
Shampoo?"
Shampoo looked extremely worried. "But...but...Ranma
Shampoo's airen! Is Chinese Amazon law!"
Ranma sighed, "I guess that's a 'no' then?"
"If Akane Airen's wife then Shampoo must kill!" Shampoo got
into a fighting stance.
"Oh grow up, Shampoo," Ranma admonished "We're not in
China now and I'm beyond your reach. I'm sorry your laws are
so stupid that they won't forgive you for making an honest
mistake but that doesn't mean I'm going to marry you. If you
want to fight Akane issue a challenge, but you should really
stop this hobby of yours before someone actually does get
killed." Shampoo just stood speechless. Ranma smiled. "Well,
we're goin' to be late for school if we don't get goin'. Tell your
grandmother I said 'hi!'" And with that Akane and Ranma left
for school leaving a broken hearted Shampoo in their wake.
"Do you think she'll be alright?" Ranma asked his wife.
"I'm sure she'll be fine. As long as she has someone she can
talk to. I remember when I realized I could never be with
Tofu...It'll be rough but she'll get over it I'm sure."
"But she won't be able to go home now..."
"I think her home's here now. You ever see her working? She
loves it!"
"Heh, I guess you're right." Ranma said thinking. A splash of
water hit his side changing him from male to female. Ranma
turned to see the ladle lady. "Good morning!" She said sunnily.
"Good morning, dear" the old woman replied. "Sorry if I
splashed you, I'm afraid I've been almost completely blind
since the eighties. Would you like some tea? I always keep
some hot water handy you know."
"Oh that's okay. I'm running a little late, but maybe some other
time." Ranma and Akane walked on.
"Well I guess that solves that mystery" Akane said with a
laugh.
"Yeah, why didn't I ever think to ask her for hot water
before?"
"Cause you're a baka that's why." Akane supplied.
"Oh yes I forgot."
They walked on for bit then Akane asked, "Why didn't you ask
for some just now?"
"Aside from possibly giving the woman a heart attack when I
changed forms? I dunno. I figure I'll probably end up getting
splashed again anyway. It's just not worth the trouble. It's not
like I need to be a man right now or anything."
"Right, just as long as you're a man tonight..."
"Oh, I don't know, you ever try it with another woman? Could
be fun..."
Akane pretended to get angry"RANMA!"
"Ranma PREPARE TO DIE!" A bandanna clad martial artist
(who really WAS angry) jumped in front of Akane and Ranma.
"Okay Ryoga, I've had enough of this. I want you to apologize
to Akane right now."
"Ap-p-poligize?"
"She trusted you and you continually betrayed that trust. I
know you had your reasons but I can't let it go on anymore. If
you do not tell her than I will. Promise or no promise"
"Tell me what?" Akane asked.
"Akane," Ryoga started, nervously putting his hand behind his
head, "I...that is...you know how Ranma's always..." Ryoga
shut his eyes tight and balled his hands into fists as he raised
his voice to the heavens: "I'M P-CHAN!"
"Oh I knew that already." Akane replied, smiling sweetly
"NANI?" Ranma and Ryoga asked.
"Oh sure. I knew it as soon as Ranma chased you out of the
furo that day. I knew it made him jealous and you were a pig so
it wasn't like you would do anything. I figured the best revenge
I could have on you was to pretend that you were just a normal
pig. If you ever did anything really mean to Ranma I might
have gone to the vet..."
"But why didn't you tell me?" Ranma asked not wanting to
think of what would have happened had it come to that.
"I gave you every clue I could think of, I mean I purposely
ignored it each time you called Ryoga P-chan and when he had
the Charlotte collar on. And I would always treat Ryoga just
like P-chan except without allowing him near my breasts of
course."
"Why couldn't you just tell me?"
"I made a woman to woman promise with Nabiki that I
wouldn't. She said that I'd find out why later." Akane laughed,
"I guess now I know."
Ranma looked at Akane incredulously for a moment and then
started laughing herself. "I guess I should have known!"
The only one not enjoying themselves was Ryoga. "You mean
I never had a chance?"
Akane stopped laughing. "Well, if you had told the truth to me
earlier, if you ever actually asked me out, if you didn't almost
kill me those couple of times, who knows? But you just don't
think before you act, do you, Ryoga? You just plow straight
through life without paying any attention to where you are or
where you're going. Ranma and I tried to help you along.
Akari is perfect for you, but you just can't follow directions. If
you don't like Akari that's fine, but you can't like her and not
like her at the same time. You can't have it both ways. You are
a lost boy, Ryoga. Right down to your fangs. I hope at some
point you find the way out of never never land. There's a
reason they call it that you know." Akane walked away.
Ryoga looked stunned. A strange energy filled the air. Ranma
could tell what he was about to do... "Oh no, bacon breath!
That's not going to work!" She chuckled "It's HAPPY
thoughts that get you back the real world. HAPPY thoughts.
Think about Akari, man. She loves you." And with that, Ranma
followed Akane toward school leaving Ryoga to review his
choices.
Ryoga turned and walked the other way...in exactly the
direction he needed to go.
~~~~~*~~~~~
Kuno was waiting for Akane and Ranma when they got to
school. "Hark! The sun and moon doth rise in tandem! My
goddesses approach!"
Ranma and Akane smiled at each other. Then Ranma spoke
"But oh noble Kuno! Which of us will you serve! Surely I, the
moon, am your only paramour!" she leaned into Kuno and put
her fists under her chin cutely.
"Nay, gentle Kuno! Swear not by the moon!" exclaimed
Akane, adapting a line from the part she always wanted to play
as she too leaned into Kuno. "The inconstant moon that...by
water...changes in her circled orb, lest thy love prove likewise
variable."
Ranma put the back of her hand to her forehead dramatically
"Indeed, should steaming water touch my skin I would become
that man you hold most vile! It's true! Our love could never
be!"
"Is this so?" Kuno had the look of revelation "This...explains
much...I never fully understood how the sorcerer could hold
such sway over you! Alas! Until such time as you are free of
that wretch I could no more serve you than he. But what of the
sun! Yes the ever present sun shall forever be my love! I have
decided!"
Ranma pointed at Kuno "You would turn from me so easily!
But know this: the Sun doth leave you nightly and even as she
burns today she doth burn for another. She too is under the
thrall of that dark demon that did smite a fiery god!"
Akane gave Ranma a half lidded expression and then continued
"Yes, and even though he is brash and full of himself...he yet
keeps my heart in check. Alas good Kuno...I cannot in good
faith accept your love."
Kuno knelt in front of Akane "But...but surely I may free your
heart from his insidous clutches! There must be a way!"
"Alas! It is too late!"
"Too late!" Ranma echoed Akane in the manner of a greek
play.
"Too late! For the Sun is forever tied to Darkness and Chaos."
Akane continued.
"Chaos and Darkness!"
"Chaos and Darkness bind her in truth. For she is the daughter
of Darkness."
"Darkness' daughter?"Kuno asked bewildered.
"The daughter of Darkness!" Ranma repeated.
"She is the daughter of Darkness in truth. For to Chaos, she is
wed!"
"She is wed to Chaos?!" Kuno asked, incredulous.
"To Chaos she is wed!" Ranma and Akane repeated.
"But this cannot be!" Kuno protested.
"It can and is, Oh noble Kuno of the sword! In truth the Sun
and Moon cannot be yours!" Ranma enthused with a slight
smirk.
"But cast thy nighted color off! There are others for whom
your affection will not be wasted!" Akane said worried.
"But who? Who worthy of my love would accept it?!"
"I dunno, what about her?" Ranma suggested pointing at a girl
with long black hair wearing a red and white hakama and
weilding a wooden sword.
"Keitaro, you shall die!" the girl swore to the heavens briefly
before plodding onwards.
"My love!" Kuno ran to the girl and proceeded to woo her in
his own unique way.
"Wow, that wasn't hard at all. What did I tell you? We just had
to speak in a way Kuno could understand!" Akane said as she
watched the girl -she said her name was Matoko or something-
and Kuno fight.
"Easy for you ta say! I almost died tryin' ta keep from
laughin'!" Ranma said. Matoko forced Kuno back with a surge
of air pressure from the rapid movement of her bokken. "Hey
she's pretty good!"
"Yeah it was fun! We ought to do that again sometime. I mean
I thought we were pretty good...imagine if we practiced!"
Kuno got up and attacked Matoko. She met him blow for blow
until he cut down a large tree with a wide strike, catching her
off guard and allowing him to get a hit in. "Kuno's good too
though. A hit, a palpable hit!"
"Akane, I know you like it and I gotta admit some of it's pretty
cool but let's lay off the Shakespeare for a little while okay? It
makes my head hurt." Matoko whamed Kuno on the noggin
with her bokken. "Ooh that was harsh."
"Okay no more Shakespeare for now," Akaned relented.
Kuno, barely fazed embraced Matoko firmly. "I guess we hit
him there so much he developed an immunity..."
"Suki da" Kuno said. Matoko squirmed out of his arms and ran
away, her face as red as her pants.
"Ah young love." Ranma commented as Kuno chased after the
girl. "Shall we?" Ranma offered the crook of her arm.
Akane slipped her arm in Ranma's "Oh you're so gallant!"
Akane laughed. They both entered the school. And yes they
were both girls at the time.
Ranma slept through her classes while Akane tried to learn
something, which was difficult, considering one teacher talked
in a perfect monotone and the other spent half the time playing
children's games and eating candy, and the other half draining
random students of the life energy with little or no provocation.
At lunchtime Ukyo confronted Ranma and Akane. "You too
are awfully...close to each other. Why aren't you
fighting...what gives?"
"Well, I guess you could say we both sorta woke up." Ranma
explained. "A coupla nights after Jusendo I had this weird
dream and after that everything just sorta became clear ta me. I
realized how silly I was bein'. I'm just glad Akane changed
too...I don't know what I would've done if she was still inta
her jealous tomboy routine..."
"RANMA!" Akane protested.
"Aw come on Akane, ya gotta admit you were ta blame
sometimes too."
"I guess your right...but I still think you deserved it most of the
time."
Ukyo looked a little worried. "So what about OUR
engagement, Ran-chan?
Ranma looked a little uneasy.
Akane spoke "You're not serious are you, Ukyo? You don't
REALLY want to be MARRIED to this jerk do you?"
"Hey!" Ranma protested.
Akane ignored her. "Think about it. Do you think he'd just let
you make Okonomiyaki in peace? No! Sooner or later he'll
start complaining 'Why is it Okonomiyaki again tonight! Why
can't we have something else!' Until sooner or later he says he
hates it. Could you really live with someone who hates
Okonomiyaki?"
"But Ran-chan loves my Okonomiyaki, don't you Ran-
chan?"Ukyo smiled sweetly at Ranma
"Well, actually, Ucchan ta tell ya tha truth it does get old after
a while..." Ranma admitted sheepishly. Ukyo's smile
dissapated.
"See! And I hope you don't plan on passing on your fighting
style to your children, because Mr. Anything Goes over here
won't allow that for sure."
"Alright, I'm on your side, Akane" Ranma said, causing Ukyo
to grit her teeth, "but that's not a very good reason. I mean I'm
sure I could incorporate Ukyo's style into Anything Goes
without any problem."
"Incorporate..." Ukyo murmered, "INCORPORATE! The
Kuonji School of Raging Okonomiyaki is not some kata you
can adapt to your own ends! Okonomiyaki is a way of life! It
must be followed religiously or NOT AT ALL!"
"Jeez, calm down, Ucchan I ain't gonna marry ya."
Ukyo looked a little confused. "Then why...did you LEAD ME
ON all this time?"
"When did I lead ya on? I mean I kept tellin' ya I liked ya as a
friend every chance I got. I mean the only reason I let all that
stuff with the sauce happen was cause I didn't want ya ta hate
me."
"But you called me the cute fiancee!"
"I was tryin' get back at Akane! I thought you'd realize that!
How was I ta know you would take me serious! I mean I still
thought of you as a guy fer cryin' out loud!"
"But then, you asked if I loved you..."
"Aw come on, Ucchan can we not talk about that please?"
Akane raised her finger in the air."Actually I'm a little bit
interested in that myself."
"Aw jeez, I was feelin' bad okay? Think about it. How would
you feel if Tsubasa started hating you. I mean you don't even
like Tsubasa right? But what if he actually hated you? Now
you see Konatsu. Wouldn't ya want some reasurance that..."
"Well I certainly wouldn't..." Akane offered.
"No...Akane, I think I see what he means..."Ukyo started to
chuckle then she pointed accusingly at Ranma "You just
wanted to feel attractive! You can't stand the thought of not
being pretty!"
"Um...well I wouldn't put it quite like that..."
Akane bopped her forehead with her palm "Of course! It makes
sense! Ranma can be SUCH a girl sometimes!"
"Hello? I'm still here ya know."Ranma interjected.
"Oh don't worry Ranma, that's one of the reasons I love you."
Akane hugged her currently female husband tightly.
Ukyo's mouth went slack "Did you just say...?"
Ranma put her arm around Akane's waist, returning the hug.
"Ukyo you're my best friend, even like a sister or somethin'
but I couldn't marry ya. I don't love ya like that. I only love my
wife like that." Ranma looked at Akane affectionately.
Ukyo was at a loss "I...you mean?...I guess ...
congratulations, JACKASS!" Tears welled up in her eyes and
she ran off.
"Well, I feel like crap now." Ranma said.
"I know, Ranma, I do too, but it had to be done sometime. We
did the best we could."
"I s'pose you're right." Ranma got up and walked to the door.
"Ranma? Where are you going?"
"I think I need to be male now..."
"Well that's fine with me, but why now?"
After they got married Ranma and Akane agreed to be open
and honest with each other at all times. That included this one.
Ranma hesitated, then responded,"It's 'cause I think...maybe
you and Ucchan were right. That still sorta scares me ya know.
I just need ta... make sure I'm still a man." The last part was
almost a whisper.
Akane nodded and sat back down. When Ranma came back,
male, class was just starting again. When Ranma got to his seat
next to Akane, she angle the sheet on her notebook so he could
see. "I want to go back to Jusenkyo," it said.
"Huh? You don't mean..." Ranma whispered.
Akane nodded. Then she wrote more: "I want to share
everything with you, Ranma." And she underlined
"everything" several times.
Ranma sat back in his seat, wide eyed. He stayed like that
almost the rest of the school day looking at Akane from time to
time and thinking. He'd just as soon forget about Jusenkyo and
all the trouble it caused him, and he didn't want Akane to go
through what he went through, but if Akane were to be cursed,
they would be that much closer. There was a selfish part of
Ranma that wanted that despite the counsequences. There was
also a mischievious and disturbingly female part of him that
wanted to see what Akane would look like as a man.
The teacher was just happy that he could see Ranma's face.
When class let out for gym Ranma wanted to ask Akane about
the note, but a certain crazed gymnast chose that moment to
make an appearance.
There was a sudden storm of black rose petals and a sound that
seemed to echo from the walls of the school and ring through
the metal of chainlink fence."AHhahahahaha!
OHhohohohoho! Hee hee hee! It seems the peasant Akane
thinks she is worthy of my darling Ranma-sama! Surely even
one as dense as she can tell that she is no match for the Black
Rose!"
Akane eyes thinned and she raised her fists and advanced
toward Kodachi...until she was impeded by Ranma's left arm.
"Wait," Ranma said softly. He walked to Kodachi and bowed
low to the ground on his knees. "Oh Kodachi-sama! You are so
right, you're blood is so noble you deserve what's rightfully
yours! But first, please grant me one request?"
"What is it my darling Ranma?"
"It's just that since our relationship is going to change into
something more...beneficial for us both I thought that we
might start using pet names."
"What a delightful idea! But what should I call you if not my
darling?"
"I've always wanted to be called...Little Pony. It's a fantasy of
mine. My name you see."
"How fitting! But then what would you call me?"
Ranma hesitated "Princess...as befits your rank and stature
Kodachi-sama."
"Oh that's perfect! Rise, my Little Pony. You have no need to
beg for such a thing."
Ranma stood up.
Kodachi moved to embrace him, but suddenly, he wasn't there.
"Where did you go, my Little Pony?"
"She's all yours," Ranma whispered in Akane's ear as he
passed her using the Umisenken. He found Nabiki hiding
behind a bush. He reappeared crouched beside her. "Are they
coming?" He asked quietly.
"They should be here any second now, little pony." Nabiki
replied with a smirk.
"Hardy har har. So... how much is this goin' ta cost me?"
"This one's on the house. The entertainment value alone more
than makes up for it. Plus I've got all sorts of bets on this one.
Besides... its fun having a little brother." The last part was said
a little more seriously than intended. The wedding had brought
out the worst in Ranma's fiancees. Even Ukyo used explosive
okonomiyaki on the pair, even if it wasn't very powerful.
Shampoo's arsenal was about ten times more lethal. Tatewaki
Kuno was actually one of more innocent of the suitors. while
he had brought a metal blade, he revealed later that it was his
family blade and that since the marriage was a matter of honor
he could use no less, but that he intended to only use the blunt
edge. Kodachi however, was by far the worst. There was a
reason she wore a black wedding dress, and it wasn't because
she happened to like the color.
"What have you done with my little pony, harridan!" Kodachi
demanded of Akane when she couldn't find Ranma.
"He is. not. yours!" Akane's mallet winked into existance, and
she brandished it in righteous fury. Ranma had convinced her
that killing Kodachi wouldn't be right, but for that wedding
dress...she deserved to SUFFER.
A couple of days after the wedding Happosai tore throught the
wedding presents to see if there was any lingerie. When he
opened the one from Kodachi a poison cloud enveloped him.
Even with his supernatural constitution, he almost died. If the
wedding had gone as originally planned Ranma and Akane
would have certainly been dead. Kodachi was dressed for a
wedding and a funeral. The other fiancees and rivals had
actually saved Ranma and Akane's lives.
Kodachi's ribbon winked into existence as well. She lashed out
with it and snatched Akane's mallet away. "Mallet-sama! I've
found you at last!"
The realization suddenly hit Akane. She had first found the
mallet after Kodachi threatened her before the Rythmic
Gymnastics match. She had gotten angry at Ranma, and it just
was THERE...Right where she needed it. She had never
recognized it from Kodachi's attack so she never knew where it
came from. She just thought it was some ki technique she had
learned accidently. But where ever it came from...it was a part
of her.
She was, by nature, a violent girl. It was time to show Kodachi
HOW violent. While Kodachi was distracted, Akane unleashed
a haymaker into the inside of Kodachi's right arm, breaking the
bone with an audible pop. Kodachi screamed in pain. The
ribbon and mallet disappeared. "That was for trying to kill me
and Ranma," Akane declared, "and THIS, " Akane said as the
mallet suddenly appeared in her hand once again, "Is for the
dress!" She swung the hammer in an upwards motion,
connecting with Kodachi's jaw. Kodachi was lifted four meters
into the air and when she landed it was with a meter long skid
across the pavement.
Many people lost money today, but Nabiki wasn't one of them.
Sure Kodachi might have superior skill, but the ones who bet
on her never saw Akane in full berserker mode. "The way I
figure it," Nabiki muttered, "I still owe you."
Ranma smiled. He saw the men in white coats come on the
scene just in time. "Nah, I don't think so...Nabiki, I think it's
pretty cool havin' you as a sister too."
Nabiki hoped Ranma didn't see the tears that welled up when
he said that. She still had a reputation to protect.
"The PAIN! Ow! Mallet-sama! Why have you forsaken me!"
Kodachi moaned.
The men in white look at each other and the broken, bleeding
girl before them. "Looks like her," One said to the other.
Kodachi crawled around aimlessly "Where are you my little
pony! Your princess needs you!"
"Yep," said the man in white, "Definitely her. Help me get her
to the van." They picked up Kodachi's writhing form and with
an ii uu ii uu took her to the white van. The back doors were
open, welcoming Kodachi into the padded interior. When the
men closed the doors the lettering read: "Happy Holiday
Sanitarium."
Kodachi wouldn't be wearing black again for a while.
Ranma and Nabiki walked out from behind the bush. "That
was awesome!" Ranma praised Akane, "Imagine if you
actually knew martial arts!"
Akane's hammer lightly bonked him on his head. "Baka."
Akane declared. She couldn't keep from smiling though. Most
girls would be upset if their husbands left them to fend for
themselves, but most girls weren't Akane. Ranma believed in
her, trusted her. That was worth any of his jibes, accidental or
otherwise. In fact, the teasing somehow made her love Ranma
even more.
A bell sounded, signaling the school day was done.
"Well I guess we might as well get home and start packing
huh?" Akane said.
Ranma's stomach grumbled in protest. "Er... I think we better
go get something to eat. I didn't get to finish lunch and I think
we skipped breakfast."
Akane's stomach grumbled in agreement. "Yeah I guess you're
right!"
Nabiki smirked at Ranma and Akane's repartee. "Well, I'm
going to go home, but I think you two should celebrate.
Here..." Nabiki brought a billfold out of a pocket in her
uniform. And took out something shiny and plastic. "This is
called a credit card. It's in YOUR name... and don't think I'm
going to pay it off for you, but I thought you should splurge a
bit today." Akane took the card and Nabiki walked off.
"We really should celebrate huh?" Akane said looking at the
card.
"Well yeah. I mean we got Shampoo ta stop botherin' us...We
found out why the ladle lady kept splashing me...Then there
was Ryoga, who I think we helped..."
"Right, then there was Kuno, Ukyo, and Kodachi... Wait a
minute that's six impossible things isn't it?"
Ranma smiled "Yes, my Red Queen."
Akane put her fist on her hip. "Red Queen... You wouldn't be
making a reference to a certain Engish book would you?"
"Aw...You're the one that made me read it!"
"You didn't have to finish it in a single night though!" Akane
said with a smile.
"Well it WAS pretty cool...And you ARE my Red Queen...in
all the good ways" Ranma looked away blushing slightly.
Akane turned Ranma's head around with both her hands and
planted a kiss right on Ranma's lips. When they were finished
she said, "And you are the foul sorcerer that holds me in
thrall."
Ranma had a dopey grin on his face. "Yeah we should
DEFINATELY celebrate. How about we eat over there,"
Ranma pointed to a new restaurant that dominated a street
corner with the katakana for "Miriwaisu" "It looks good and
expensive. And we can use that thingy Nabiki gave us. A
'Credit Card' was it? I want to see how this magic works."
"Sounds good to me!"
Ranma and Akane walked through the door hand in hand. It
closed behind them with an odd click WOOSH.
Ranma felt uneasy about that sound, but he could put his finger
on why...
When they were inside they saw an odd video display behind a
strange cylindrical aquarium that held about twenty little
yellow fish. The display seemed to show various types of
beings pressing a black button on the cylindrical aquarium,
picking up a fish, and sticking it into various orifices.
Ranma nodded, pressed the black button twice, took a fish for
himself and gave the other to Akane.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Akane asked.
"Stick it in your ear. Didn't you see the display?" The display
reminded Ranma of his training in China before Jusenkyo and
the Amazons. The instructer would show him the moves and he
would copy them. It was second nature to him now. Ranma
stuck the little fish into his ear. There was small, audible pop.
And Ranma's eyes went wide. "Hey it's translatin' or
somethin'!"
Akane crinkled her nose at the fish, shrugged and stuck it in
her ear. Suddenly she heard what sounded like garbles and
tweaks turn into a calm mechanical voice with a cultured
accent saying "Welcome to Milliways, the Restaurant at the
End of the Universe. A server will seat you shortly."
"Wow," Ranma noted, "They sure pulled out all the stops
here!"
Akane had to agree. The place was much, much, bigger on the
inside then on the outside, and the ceiling opened out into a star
studded space-scape. Oddly the stars seemed to be moving in a
slow spiral toward... something. The entire restaurant was
filled with monsters, demons, and other types of youkai, all
apparently drinking and having a good time, except for a few
that seemed to have had a little too much, and were busy trying
to keep all their body fluids in one place.
It didn't take that much of a stretch in logic to conclude that
this is what passed for posh in Nerima.
"No wonder the Kunos are so crazy!" Akane said.
"You said it." Ranma agreed.
A dignified, elderly humanoid gentleman approached Ranma
and Akane wearing a tuxedo and holding two menus. He had
an air about him of polite snobbery, mixed with a touch of
depression. "Welcome to Milliways," He sighed, "Please
follow me to your seats."
"The service here is great! We didn't have to wait long at all
did we, Ranma?"
"Nope," Ranma answered dumbly. His eyes were still taking in
the sights around him.
The waiter motioned them to their tables and they sat down.
"Sir and Madame should not be surprised, as the reservations
have been made fifty billion years in advance," the waiter
droned.
"Huh?" This shocked Ranma out of his...shock. "How's that
possible?"
"The universe shall be exploding for you momentarily," the
waiter said, ignoring what was apparently an assinine question,
"In the meantime, would Sir or Madame like anything from the
bar?"
Akane smiled "You wouldn't happen to have any Nannichuan
water by any chance would you?" She winked at Ranma, and
they both chuckled a bit at the joke. Although Ranma laughed a
tad bit more nervously.
The waiter wrote something down on his pad and asked
"Would you like that sparkling or flat, Madame?"
Akane jaw went slack "Uh...flat's fine, " she said absently.
The waiter nodded and turned to Ranma, whose look of
surprise stretched the limits of human expression. "And what
would Sir like?"
"Um...uh...Just some green tea I guess," Ranma ventured.
Ranma was feeling a little on edge about the Nannichuan, and
he wanted something to calm him down. Kasumi would have
been proud.
"Tea, Sir?" The waiter questioned.
"Yeah, just tea, is that okay?"
"I'm afraid we do not have any 'tea' in stock. Perhaps if Sir
would stick to the more popular choices..."
"Wait a minute, you have Nannichuan water, but you don't
have tea???" Ranma asked, incredulous.
The waiter rolled his eyes."Sir has repeated my words
admirably. Now if Sir would please choose another
beverage..."
"Well what do ya got then?"
"There's the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, a very popular choice
among semi-sentient carbon-based life forms, Old Janx Spirit,
Liquid Lead Pipe Labotomy, Death Reborn Revolution..."
All these drinks sounded to Ranma like they would do nasty
things to someone's mind, "Dya have anythin' non-alcoholic?"
"Yes, Sir. There's Nannichuan water, Nyannichuan water, the
water of Lethe, water from the river Styx, Tears of a Dragon,
Blood of a Dragon, Unicorn Blood, Blood from the Ravenous
Bugblatter Beast of Traal, and Apple Juice."
"But no tea."
"No, Sir."
Ranma sighed. "I guess I'll have some Apple juice then."
"An excellent choice, Sir. Would that be with or without the
yak urine?"
"Without. Please," Ranma stated emphatically.
"As you wish, Sir. Would Sir or Madame like to meet the main
course?"
Ranma shrugged. "Uh...sure."
"I'll have him brought out shortly with your drinks Sir.
Madame," the waiter droned, bowing slightly in deference to
Ranma and Akane before leaving.
Once he was gone, Akane spoke, "Do you think they really
have Nannichuan, Ranma?"
"I don't know. But if it's real...are you sure you want to use
it?"
"Ranma, It's something I've been thinking about for awhile
now. Ever since...That Night. Its been an obsession
even..."Akane looked at her hands on the table, blushing.
"Akane...you don't know what you're saying..."
Akane looked up."I know it will be hard, Ranma, but I've got
you right?... If you don't want me too I won't."Akane looked
straight into Ranma's eyes questioningly.
Ranma held the gaze for a moment then looked at the space
scape out side as it swirled. "Well...if you really want to...we
could get some instant Nannichuan..."
"Ranma." Akane interrupted.
"What?"
"I'm bisexual."
Ranma stared at Akane stunned. "NANI?"
"You heard me."
Ranma was at a loss"Akane...I...for how long?"
"What do you mean 'for how long?' baka?"
"Well...its just...I wasn't...that is before I got the curse..."
Akane's eyes widened. "Goodness! No wonder you hated the
curse!" She looked down at the table a little darkly. "Me, I had
no one to hate but myself...and you."
"Huh?"
"When I first learned about your curse...I was jealous."
"That long... but you never showed it or nothin'!"
"Ranma, what did I say about Shampoo when she first came?"
"You said..." Ranma's eyes widened in revelation "You said
she looked cute! And you would never mallet Shampoo...only
me! You wanted Shampoo to yourself!"
Akane's eyes thinned in irritation. "You don't have to put it
quite like that"
"Gomen gomen... I'm one to talk. I mean ya prob'ly already
know about Ryoga right?"
Akane almost stood up as she she slapped her hands on the
table, smiling triumphantly. "I KNEW it! You're such a flirt
Ranma!"
"Uh...yeah...Look I'm still gettin' used to the idea so let's
move on to somethin' else okay?"
"So you don't mind?" Akane asked hopefully.
"Huh? The Nannichuan? No...ta tell ya the truth..." Ranma let
the corners of his mouth come up, "I think it might be fun."
Akane rose above the table and kissed Ranma , holding his
head with both hands. "I'm so glad!" She said after releasing
him.
Ranma, red faced."But why tell me this now?"
"You know that night you came into my room and told me that
you loved me?"
"I live in that moment eternally." Ranma said wistfully.
Akane smirked "Careful Ranma, you're getting poetic...."
"Aw, Akane I'll be more poetic than Kuno...for you. What
were you saying? About That Night?" The capitalization
Ranma put on "That Night" was audible.
"Remember I had a dream before you came in... It was in that
dream that I realized... that I really was a tomboy. That part of
the reason why I loved you...was that you were a girl."
"Wow! That sounds almost like my dream! Who did you
dream about?"
"Why you, silly! Who else would I dream about?" Akane
lightly whacked Ranma's arm smiling sunnily. Then her smile
dimmed a bit and she cocked her head in thought. "Wait a
minute you had someone in your dream too?"
Ranma nodded hesitantly.
"Well who did YOU dream about?"
"Cologne."
Akane paused and thinned her lips. "Ranma...that's sick.
That's extremely and utterly uber-sick!"
"Hey it ain't like I can pick what dreams I get or nothin'!"
Ranma was about to continue when suddenly he was distracted
by a large, vaguely pig-like creature gorging itself on
vegetables while it was wheeled toward his table by a younger
waiter. The old waiter followed with their drinks.
"Hello there," The pig creature greeted from atop a large silver
platter. "I'm the main course. Might I suggest something off
my shoulder?"
This was a little TOO weird. Even for Nerima.
"Akane?" Ranma asked as the old waiter set down their drinks
in front of them
"Yes, Ranma?" She respond absently, being equally distracted
by the pig-creature.
"How do you feel about leaving on our honeymoon a little
early?"
"Um... okay, but why?"
"Because," Ranma said, looking at the stars outside and the
other creatures in the restaurant with a new respect, "Suddenly,
I don't think we're in Nerima anymore."
~~~~~[END]~~~~~
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