"Well now, here's a good man
Living all on his own.
Rich, old, handsome,
And as for sex on a throne…"
My name's Alisoun by the way, I'm sure you've heard many tales of me and my… escapades… I met my current husband a while back now, back when he had all that trouble with his three daughters. He was planning to split up the kingdom between them, you see he's nice like that; they just took advantage of him. Well, the eldest two did, they flattered him and told him they loved him like the venomous serpent of the Fall. The youngest flat out refused to express any kind of love for him whatsoever and ran off with the King of France. That was why me and my darling Lear hatched the plot to regain the throne and the power.
My husband and I realised quickly that Goneril and Regan, his eldest two, would run riot with all the power they had, and so we let them. We let them think that they ruled the roost and had pushed us away, broken us. They fell straight into the trap.
Lear was the one who really went for the plan, the whole pretending to go mad thing was pure genius… Then the little mousey one, Cordelia, came back expecting for Lear to respect and love her again, as if nothing had ever happened, like she hadn't disowned him for some French nobleman. I know what you're thinking, I'm not exactly a one-man woman, but I do take pride in waiting for one husband to be exhausted before moving on to the next one! They were all useless anyway, couldn't handle me. Gifts and things are nice, I mean, but they don't make up for a good old-fashioned romp in the hay!
Anyway, I digress; Lear feigned his love for her and pretended that it was all fine, whilst I had a little chat with a certain Edmund of Gloucester, setting up a fake arrest and the murder of the three daughters. Of course, it was all so well set out… he's a clever little one, that Edmund… it looked like such a tragic accident, they all kicked the bucket and me and my darling Lear ran off with his money. He buys me such wonderful things from all over the world, and the sex isn't that bad either… None of that "Weilawey" rubbish, he's a real man who knows what he likes and isn't afraid of taking it.
We're having a great life now, we have the throne, the power, the money, no hateful brats to worry about; all that a woman could dream of and more. All I desire of him is that he lets me look after him, the poor man, he needs a strong woman like me to care for him (not that I'd ever tell him that, of course, Lord no, that would spoil the fun). The only downside is the bloody crowd of knights that he meets up with on Fridays down the tavern, bloody noisy lot they are when they turn up in their masses… a bloody gaggle of geese they are! Not half-bad looking though…