"Recipe For Disaster"
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: They're
not mine, they're George Lucas's. The
story is mine, though, and I'm not making any money from it – my pledge drive
was a dismal failure. Open Pit Barbeque
sauce belongs to Vlassic Foods.
[Er, Mr. Lucas, if you're
reading this, the pledge drive thing was a joke.]
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story
takes place before my Naboo Chronicles stories, before Anakin and Padmé
are married. Those of you who have read
my fanfic Saucy Conversation will recognize the dish that Padmé and
Palpatine prepare in this story.
"Relax, Chancellor," Padmé said, giving him a reassuring
pat on the shoulder. "How bad could it
be?"
"How bad could it be?" he asked incredulously. "We're about to go on live holonet -
broadcast to the whole of the Republic - to demonstrate cooking a dish that
neither of us has ever made before." Padmé
shrugged.
"Sabé told us what to do," she reminded him.
"Yes but Sabé knows how to cook. I do not." She shrugged.
"Well, neither do I. So this should be fun," she told him. He rolled his eyes. "Remember,"
she continued, "it's for a good cause – we're helping to raise money for public
broadcasting."
"Hey you two," Anakin said, walking over. "They're about ready for you in there." He
gestured towards the holonet studio where the live pledge drive/Celebrity
Cook-a-Thon was taking place. Obi-Wan
joined them, grinning.
"Bail Organa just made a soufflé that came out looking
like a Frisbee," he told them happily. Palpatine groaned. Padmé laughed
and tugged on his arm, pulling him towards the studio.
"Come on, Chancellor. This is your big chance to show
Organa how it's done," she said jokingly.
"I wish Sabé were here," he said. "She knows how to do this sort of
thing. What a fine time for her to
catch a cold." Padmé shrugged.
"There's no help for it. No doubt she'll be watching back at the hotel, cheering us on."
"Or laughing like hell," Anakin murmured. A man wearing headphones and carrying a
datapad hurried up to them.
"Chancellor… Your Majesty, you're next. If you'd just follow me…" He led them into
the cavernous holonet studio, where two full kitchens were set up for the
cook-a-thon. They spotted Bail Organa
gazing morosely at his failed soufflé as several stage hands bustled around
him, cleaning up the mess he'd made of the kitchen he'd used. Slightly behind the kitchen sets, they could
see a bank of ringing voicephones staffed by cheerful volunteers from all over
Coruscant. An on-air hostess was
standing before a holocamera, extolling the virtues of public broadcasting and
assuring the audience that fine programming like "Coruscant Week in Review" and
"Mr. Sebulba's Neighborhood" would not be possible without the annual financial
support of Viewers Like Them. Next, she
reminded her viewers that a book featuring all of the recipes demonstrated
during the Celebrity Cook-a-Thon was available with a pledge of fifty credits
or more. As they approached the studio
floor, the on-air hostess spotted them and smiled brightly.
"And now," the perky blonde hostess chirped, "We are
pleased and proud to welcome the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic,
Palpatine…" her voice trailed off uncertainly. "Um, Palpatine…?" She threw a desperate glance at Palpatine, who
shrugged, unable to figure out what the problem was.
"Last name?" the man with the headphones and the datapad
hissed directly into the Chancellor's ear.
"Pardon?" Palpatine asked him politely.
"First
name?" the man with the headphones asked. Palpatine shook his head, puzzled. "Look, don't you have another name besides Palpatine?" Padmé stepped forward into camera
range. When she spoke, it was in the
clipped, strangulated accent of the well-born Nubian.
"I am Padmé Amidala, Queen of the Naboo. Today Chancellor Palpatine and I will be
preparing a dish featuring the Nubian Grak-Nak, a creature native to our
homeworld of Naboo. Grak-Nak is tricky
to prepare, because if it isn't done just right, it can have a very strong,
unpleasant taste." She glanced over to
see Palpatine and the man with the headphones arguing in furious whispers just
out of camera range. "Chancellor
Palpatine?" she called.
"Yes, Your Majesty," he replied, walking over to join Padmé
and the hostess in front of the camera. The hostess smiled brilliantly at him.
"It's such an honor to have you here in our studio today,
Chancellor," she gushed, laying a hand on his arm. She looked into the camera. "Let me just tell all you ladies watching at home that holovids simply
don't do him justice. The Chancellor is
MUCH better looking in person."
"That's
not saying much," Palpatine murmured. Padmé
giggled. Loitering out of camera range,
Anakin and Obi-Wan exchanged glances.
"See what power does?" Obi-Wan mused.
"Yeah," Anakin agreed. " It makes women hot." They watched as the hostess continued to
flirt openly with Palpatine.
"Do you think she has a chance?" Obi-Wan asked,
indicating the hostess.
"Nah," Anakin said, shaking his head. "Sabé would eat her for breakfast."
"So," the hostess was saying. "Are you both ready to begin?"
"As ready as we'll ever be, I'd imagine," Padmé said.
"Your kitchen is right over there," the hostess told
them, pointing. "It's been stocked with
everything you requested."
"Thank the gods for that," Palpatine murmured as he
followed Padmé over to "their" kitchen. The camera operator rolled the camera over to keep them in frame. For a moment, the two Naboo simply stood
behind the counter staring at each other as though unable to figure out what to
do next. Finally, Palpatine took
charge. "Right," he said. "The first step is to wash the Grak-Nak – "
"The first step is to preheat the cooker," Padmé
corrected him. He stopped rummaging in
the refrigeration unit to glance over at her.
"Oh yes, absolutely right," he agreed. "I forgot about that part, and it is rather
important." As she adjusted the cooker,
he finally located the packaged Grak-Nak and removed it from the refrigeration
unit. They were so absorbed in the task
before them that they had quite forgotten about the holocamera that was
broadcasting everything they did and said live to all of the viewers in the
Republic. "Now," Palpatine said,
unwrapping the package of meat. Both
Naboo suddenly froze, looking down at the meat in disgust.
"Oh gross," Padmé said, sounding less regal by the
moment.
"Indeed," Palpatine agreed, making a face. "I could have sworn we asked for skinless
Grak-Nak." He pulled a piece of meat
out of the wrapper and began washing it in the sink.
"Ewwww,"
Padmé said. "You didn't wash your hands
first."
"Well, neither did you!" he reminded her.
"I didn't touch any food yet," she shot back. He shrugged.
"It's
going in the cooker, you know," he said mildly.
"That
skin looks disgusting," she said conversationally.
"I quite agree." He put the washed meat on a plate. The two Naboo regarded it for a moment.
"Let's take it off," Padmé suggested. She opened a drawer and rummaged around
until she found a large pair of tongs. "Here," she said, brandishing the tongs. "You hold the meat, I'll pull the skin off."
"I don't want to touch it again," he complained.
"I am your Queen," she reminded him. "And I am not
touching it." He sighed. Suddenly, inspiration struck. He opened the drawer and pulled out a large
double-pronged fork with a long handle. "Good idea," she agreed. "You
hold it down, I'll skin it." Palpatine
stabbed a piece of meat with his fork.
"Go ahead," he said. Using the tongs, she grabbed the meat's skin and tugged on it. With a horrid wet ripping sound, the skin
pulled away from the meat. Unfortunately,
Padmé had misjudged the amount of force necessary to skin the meat, and as a
result her arm snapped back, flinging the skin across the studio and into the
bank of volunteers taking pledges.
"Hey!" someone yelled. "That's disgusting!"
"Sorry!" Padmé yelled in reply, trying very hard not to
giggle as they went to work skinning the next piece of meat. Meanwhile, the skin's unhappy recipient had
decided to take action. The skin
suddenly came flying back to the kitchen area to hit Palpatine smack on the
side of the head.
"Aaargh!" he yelled in disgust, pawing frantically at the
side of his head. Padmé could no longer
stifle her giggles, which had become full-fledged laughter. Finally managing to remove the slimy
Grak-Nak skin from the side of his head, Palpatine turned to Padmé, an
unreadable expression on his face.
"You think that's funny?" he asked her. Unable to reply, she simply nodded silently,
laughing so hard that tears ran down her cheeks. Holding the skin between his thumb and forefinger, he brandished
it at her. "You think that's FUNNY?" he
repeated. He walked over to her and
neatly draped the skin on top of her head. Padmé shrieked. "Now THAT is
funny," he said as she tried to remove the slimy piece of skin from her head
without actually touching it. Finally,
she shook her head, flinging the skin against the studio wall, where it stuck,
hanging there like a bizarre piece of artwork. Obi-Wan and Anakin were leaning against the studio wall, bent
double from laughter. Suddenly, the
skin peeled itself off the wall and sailed through the air, hitting the perky
on-air hostess in the back of the head. She screamed and ran out of the studio.
"Anakin!" Padmé scolded, still laughing.
"It wasn't me!" Anakin protested.
"No," Obi-Wan agreed. "It was me."
"All right," Padmé said, trying to get back to
business. "Next, you fry the Grak-Nak."
"No," Palpatine said. "Next you coat it with flour. THEN you fry it."
"Oops," Padmé said mildly. Palpatine retrieved a bowl from the cupboard and dumped some
flour into it. The flour went
everywhere, rising up in a cloud to coat his hair and face.
"Pfffffffffft." Palpatine exhaled through pursed lips,
trying to blow some of the flour off his face. Padmé pointed at him and laughed helplessly. He opened his eyes and gave her a dirty look. Grabbing the tongs, Padmé dipped a piece of
meat into the flour, coating it evenly and putting it on a waiting plate. She repeated the operation with each piece
of meat. Meanwhile, the combination of
the hot cooker and the hot studio lights was becoming too much for Palpatine,
who had worn stately Nubian robes for the occasion. He mopped his brow with a paper towel, leaving a pasty streak of sweaty
flour across his forehead.
"Now," Padmé said, pouring oil into a skillet, "we fry
this stuff."
"Allow me, Your Majesty," he offered.
"OK, I'll get the pans ready," she agreed. He took the tongs from her and ignited the
gas burner under the skillet. The oil began
to sizzle, and he used the tongs to drop several pieces of meat into the
skillet. The pan Padmé was removing
from the cupboard fell to the ground with a clatter, and she bent to retrieve
it.
"Here, let me help," he said, bending over and grabbing
the pan. He completely failed to notice
how close his voluminous robes were to the gas burner's open flame. He stood and placed the pan on the counter.
"While he's frying the meat, I'll coat the pan with
cooking spray," Padmé told the camera. Suddenly, she stopped what she was doing to sniff the air. "What's that burning smell?" she asked,
glancing around. Anakin rushed onto the
set.
"Roasted Nubian," he told her shortly, simultaneously
removing his brown outer cloak and wrapping it around Palpatine.
"What do you think you're doing?" the Chancellor
protested.
"Putting out the fire, Hot Pants," Anakin replied. Palpatine turned his head, futilely trying
to look at the back of his robes.
"Oh my!" Padmé exclaimed, breaking into a fit of laughter.
"I don't see anything," Palpatine said.
"I can see quite a lot from where I'm standing,
Chancellor," Padmé told him. He put a
hand on his backside, feeling charred cloth and… his eyes widened. "Nice underwear," Padmé added. Palpatine turned crimson.
"Here," Anakin said, offering his brown outer cloak to
the mortified Chancellor. Though it was
far too big and far too long for him, Palpatine pulled it on over his Nubian
robes. The brown cloak's huge sleeves
flapped comically every time he moved his hands.
"Let me finish frying the meat, Chancellor," Padmé
said. "You're liable to set those
sleeves on fire." Anakin returned to
the side of the studio to watch from off-camera with Obi-Wan. Padmé used the tongs to turn the meat over,
while Palpatine continued to coat the pans with nonstick cooking spray. Padmé began removing the pieces of meat from
the skillet and placing them in the pans. Palpatine took the skillet full of hot oil and placed it in the sink,
where it sizzled and spat alarmingly. Padmé
grabbed a bottle of Open Pit from the refrigeration unit, uncapped it and
squirted a generous amount over each piece of meat. Suddenly recalling the camera and her audience, she looked up and
spoke. "You coat the meat with sauce,
then you add just enough water to coat the bottom of the pan. That's so the Grak-Nak doesn't burn
up." Palpatine tore a piece of aluminum
foil off the roll and handed it to her. "Now you cover the pans and you cook the Grak-Nak for fifteen
minutes." Palpatine held the cooker
door open for her as she slid the pans inside. "After it cooks for fifteen minutes," she continued, "you remove it from
the oven." Beside her, Palpatine tried
to tidy things up a bit. He grabbed the
squeeze bottle of Open Pit and turned to put it back in the refrigeration
unit. His foot slipped on the flour
underfoot, and he slid smoothly across the studio floor, arms flailing for
balance, unwittingly squirting Open Pit all over the kitchen set, the camera,
and Padmé, who screamed. Regaining his
balance, he glanced around.
"Oh dear," he murmured. The on-air hostess was suddenly on the set with them. She still had a small piece of slimy
Grak-Nak skin stuck in her hair barrette.
"Well," she said, trying hard for a pleasant, perky tone.
"I'm afraid that's all the time we have for Queen Padmé and Chancellor
Palpatine. Up next is Bib Fortuna from
Tatooine, demonstrating how to prepare broiled sandcrabs." As the camera in front of the other kitchen
set took over the live feed, the red light on the camera in front of them
winked off. The hostess surveyed the
sauce-coated set and camera, the flour all over the floor, and the slimy stain
left on the studio wall by the wayward Grak-Nak skin. She shook her head in disgust and walked off.
"I have a feeling we'll not be invited back next time,"
Palpatine murmured to Padmé as they walked off the set together.
"I have a feeling you may be right," she agreed, wiping
sticky Open Pit off her face. Anakin
and Obi-Wan walked over to join them.
"That was the best cooking show I've ever seen," Obi-Wan
told the two Naboo.
"Yeah," Anakin agreed. "They're usually really boring." The on-air hostess approached them again, trailed by a young Rodian.
"Well," she said heavily, "it seems the viewers loved
you."
"They did?" Palpatine asked incredulously. She nodded.
"But we messed everything up," Padmé protested.
"See these?" the hostess asked, holding up a stack of
pledge slips. The two Naboo
nodded. "They're pledges generated by
your segment. Listen to this," she
said, reading from the top pledge slip. "'That's the funniest thing I've seen on the holonet in a long time, and
certainly the best thing I've seen on public broadcasting. Keep up the good work!'. And there's this one, 'If those two aren't a
professional comedy team, they should be! Put me down for fifty credits and send me the recipe book. If there's a holovid, send me that too.'"
"Most of the people who called in were laughing the whole
time they were giving their pledges," the Rodian said. "I almost didn't volunteer for this pledge
drive, because they're usually so boring."
"Well, it wasn't boring today," the on-air hostess
said. "And we would like you both to
come back for our next pledge drive."
"I don't know if I want to continue to make a fool of
myself on live holonet," Palpatine said. The hostess raised her eyebrows at him.
"Chancellor, the viewers loved seeing you just being
yourself – listen to this." She began reading from the pledge slips again. "'Chancellor Palpatine always seems like a
real cold fish when I see him on the holonews. It was nice to see he's human after all.' and 'It was great seeing the
Chancellor loosen up a bit. He comes
across like a stiff whenever he's on the news or giving a speech. It's nice to know that the guy who oversees
the Senate has a sense of humor.'" Suddenly, Padmé sniffed the air.
"What's that burning smell?" she asked.
"Oh gods, it's not me, is it?" Palpatine asked, flinging
off Anakin's brown cloak to inspect his robes.
"The Grak-Nak!" Padmé wailed, running to the kitchen set
where their forgotten entrée was burning up in the oven. Palpatine hurried over, and together they
pulled the cooker door open, discharging a huge cloud of black smoke that filled
the studio. Anakin and Obi-Wan went
over to inspect the damage. Soon,
everyone was choking and coughing as the sickening smell of burnt Grak-Nak
permeated the studio. The Rodian shook
his head.
"I have figured out why the viewers like them so much,"
he told the on-air hostess as they both watched the two Naboo and the two Jedi
frantically waving their arms to dispel the smoke.
"Why's that?" she asked.
"Those guys are weird," he told her.
FINIS.
BONUS SECTION: How to prepare
Barbequed Grak-Nak at home! (and you don't even have to pledge 50 Republic
Credits to get the recipe!)
You will need:
1 whole fresh Nubian
Grak-Nak, cut into pieces (if your local supermarket doesn't carry fresh
Grak-Nak, one whole fresh chicken cut into pieces will also work, as will
boneless, skinless chicken pieces).
Flour
Canola oil
Open Pit Barbeque Sauce
(Original Recipe)
Nonstick cooking spray
A skillet
A metal baking pan
Preheat your cooker to 925
Nubian Degrees (if you're using a stove, set it for 350 degrees).
Wash the Grak-Nak (or
chicken, if that's what you're using) and pat it dry. Even though Padmé and Palpatine were grossed out by the Grak-Nak
skin, there's no need to remove the skin unless you want to. Roll the pieces in the flour. In the skillet, heat the canola oil. Lightly brown the meat in the canola
oil. Spray the baking pan with nonstick
cooking spray. Place the meat in the
pan and pour a liberal amount of Open Pit over it. Add enough water to cover the bottom of the baking pan. Cover the baking pan with aluminum
foil. Bake your Grak-Nak for fifteen
minutes, then remove it from the oven, turn the meat and pour some more Open
Pit on each piece. Make sure there is
still enough water to cover the bottom of the pan, replace the foil, and bake
it for 45 more minutes or until the meat is done and the sauce is thick and
bubbly. Serve hot.