What are you doing here, Emmara?
I think I've asked myself this question enough times where I'd actually be able to answer, but for the life of me I can't seem to understand. No logical train of thought has brought me here. No rational decision making is to blame for what I'm about to do. And, as I sit here in the empty school parking lot, the sun hardly even beginning to rise, I begin to highly consider the fact that I might have finally gone insane. It's the only logical explanation to what I'm doing.
What am I doing, you might ask yourself? Well, I'd say I'm about to subject myself to the most vile torture, but that would be a little too melodramatic. But it feels like maybe now is the time for dramatics, since I've been so calm about my predicament so far. I'd be playing the woe-is-me card like it was going out of style if this situation wasn't completely, totally, 100% my fault.
You see, I graduated high school two days ago. Years of studying and social isolation and standardized testing finally behind me. I did my time, I walked that short length of the stage and took my key to freedom, away from this hum-drum town and all of the ridiculous people in it. My trials surrounded by people I grew sick of four years ago were finally over. All I really had to do after that was survive a short summer full of reading lists and shopping lists and listening to my parents sob about how their baby is "finally going out into the world" and then I'd be in college- a university I dedicated sleepless nights and coffee-induced stomach aches to in order to get into. And I made sure it met my two per-requisites: that it wasn't just a dumping ground for idiots who had money enough to buy their way in and that it was far, far, far away from here.
I was so close. I was almost out.
But then I decided to answer a phone call.
A day after graduation I happened to get a call from my ex boyfriend, Jace Beleren. We dated when we were freshmen, a couple of smartass kids who thought they were smarter than everyone, who's dates consisted of study sessions and trips to the library. If you're bored just listening to me briefly talk about the state of our relationship back then, then good, because after a year of being study partners who sometimes parted with a kiss, we had decided to call it quits. It was a mutual split- a clean break if I've ever seen one. We even tried to keep in touch and stay friends, but time turned us into different people and we drifted apart. He became a more social creature, surrounding himself with the common, c-average rabble that made up most of our class and I dedicated more of my time to my books and time tables and my future until it was just me, myself, I and sweet, sweet caffeine. I figured I'd never really need to talk to him again until that night.
He was drunk- so much I swear I could smell his breath through the phone. But he seemed really happy that I picked up, so much that I couldn't bring myself to hang up to leave him to his drunken celebrations. It had been a long time since we talked, and yet he sounded legitimately happy to speak to me. Maybe it was from lack of sleep still lingering in me after finals, but I felt... moved.
"What's up?" I asked him, internally rolling my eyes that I had just said "what's up", like I was one of the cool kids. I even smiled. I even nodded my head like he could see me. Just the first strike in my marvelous, stellar, no-hitter game I was about to play.
"I was... talking to the guys and-" He paused to shush people behind him and to chuckle at himself. A couple people in the background laughed, too. It made me hyper aware I was in my own room, printing out my school's reading list, nothing but my mom's cat on my lap for company. "-We were planning on taking a road trip... to visit the colleges we're going to..."
He paused to burp. I questioned if our having ever been romantically involved had actually been just a crazy fever dream.
"...Uh huh." I pipped up, as something away from our awkward phone conversation had distracted him enough where it sounded like he was slowly leaning away from the phone.
"Oh- right- well... we wanted to know if you wanted to go?"
A million questions filled my mind. A million exclamations joined them- most of them being "no", "hell no" and "yeah, no, I'm going to be busy". Why in the world was he asking me, of all people, to join him on some road trip? Who was "we"? Was this a unanimous decision? Or was I finally getting treated to my first ever drunken phone call from a boy? Why me when he had them? Every cell in my brain urged me to tell him no. It was a simple, single syllable word. How hard could it be. He'd probably go about his night and then wake up the next day forgetting he made the call. Who was it going to hurt?
"...Yeah, sure, why not?" I wound up saying with a shrug.
No, you idiot. Tell him no!
"W-Wow, really!? That's... that's great!" Jace exclaimed before shouting out to whoever he was with that I was in.
No, no, no, take it back! Open your stupid mouth and take it back!
"Yeah... Great." I chuckled awkwardly.
I never did tell him no, as evident by the fact I was sitting around in the designated meeting place that Jace had drunkenly dictated to me after changing the location several times in one conversation. I had told my mom and dad that I had been invited, and made it explicitly clear that it was going to be with a bunch of people I hardly knew, but they seemed more proud that I was doing things with actual, real life, breathing people than they were when I was accepted into my first-choice college. My mom had even gotten up at the ass-crack of dawn to drive me here, and told me to have a good time. Yeah. A good time. Sure mom.
I groan and look up at the sky slowly growing lighter and lighter. We're all social creatures, no matter how much we lock ourselves in our rooms and suppress it. Maybe it had been instinct taking over when I accepted the invite, a deeper part of my psyche convinced that if I didn't make any contact with other people soon I'd most surely die- but no, that can't be right. I'm an elf, dammit, aren't we supposed to be like... above associating ourselves with other people? My racist, reclusive, tree-dwelling ancestors would be ashamed of me.
The sound of cars pulling up breaks me out of my internal struggle with life, the universe and what the hell I'm doing here. They have arrived like the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse- if the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were a really old, beat up pick-up truck and a smaller car that was probably the height of it's class when I was a child. I take a breath and brace myself as they park a few spaces away from me as the cast of real characters steps out one by one. I've never met or spoken to any of them, but word spreads so fast and at such a volume in high school that, so long as you just listen to people around you, you'll know about people outside your social circle you've probably never even seen the faces of. And rumors seem to love the company that Jace keeps.
Our cast:
Jace Beleren: Needs no introduction. He's holding a video camera and pointing it right at me, and suddenly I know how game animals feel.
Liliana Vess: Jace's new girlfriend. Her and Jace were accepted into the same university, determined to prove to the world that the legendary "high school sweetheart" moniker could survive out in the wild. She writes poetry and insists on wearing only black- like today: a old, worn out tank top ripped in places that should have made it unwearable but instead are held closed loosely by safety pins and a long, black skirt that reaches down to her ankles. I've heard rumors she's actually really promiscuous and that she and Jace broke up a couple dozen times, but none of it was ever true. Just a bunch of sad boys who were upset over getting spurred by her. She looks me over, the girl who had come before her, and does a half-scoff that is just barely enough to work its way under my skin. Me coming along probably wasn't her idea.
Chandra Nalaar: A year younger than everyone else and a whole lot shorter, probably due to either skipping a grade or being born too late in the year and having impatient parents. Her red hair that refuses to be tamed and spatter of freckles hardly makes her look any more mature than the people who surround her who look well on their way to adulthood soon enough. She's been a drummer for at least 10 garage bands that either split up after playing a single gig at a friend's birthday party or who's members graduated without her. Some people say she was usually the one who instigated the break ups that the bands she had under her belt went through, but those rumors remain unproven, and the fact she keeps on being brought on the bang on drums, even for a few, fleeting performances, means she must be good at least. She's attending a nearby college where her older boyfriend is rumored to go. She looks too tired to acknowledge my existence.
Elspeth Tirel, Ajani Goldmane and Garruk Wildpseaker: They're standing so close together, they might as well be one, large mass. You wouldn't really think it when looking at them individually- A trio of jocks, all metaphorical super heroes on the court and field (Lacrosse, football and wrestling, respectively), the faces of physical excellence bred by our school- but their an item. All three of them. Together. As someone who couldn't make a monogamous relationship work, I can't wrap my brain around how all three of them are involved romantically. I can't even imagine how it went down, or who fell in love with who, who fell in love with who, who fell in love with who first. Altogether it's mindboggling but they make it work. Garruk and Ajani (the odd leonin out of the bunch) ponder over a map, but Elspeth looks over and me and gives me a friendly wave. It's as overwhelming as if the damn sun decided to wave hello to you and equally as confusing. I'm afraid to talk to her because I don't trust myself not to ask how three of them have sex, if at all.
Nissa Revane: Th final member of the odd squad, and an elf, just like me... well, "just like me" in that we both are tall and have pointed ears. That's about where things stop. She's well toned and dark-skinned and has facial tattoos that no one ever brings up enough for me to have discerned if they're a racial thing or if she just decided to get them because they would look cool. Out of all of them, she's the one who lives in infamy the most, the one I know more about because everything she ever seemed to do sparked the rumor mill into a frenzy. Stealing the school mascot and holding it for ransom, vandalism, unwarranted and unplanned "art installments" and "performance pieces" and her stunt with somehow parking and or driving her truck inside the school that almost kept her from graduating. She also had a girlfriend who used to go to our school, but no one really talks about her. They're more fixated on the fact Nissa's into girls. To be perfectly honest and a little if not largely ashamed, I'm more fixated on that, too. She's had a small handful of short flings, and every girl who has come out of them is both heartbroken and thankful. She gives me a quick once-over and goes to help Garruk and Ajani with their map.
And then there's me, Emmara Tandris: The bookworm, the social recluse. If wallflowers are actual things, than I'm just the wall. No one has spread any rumors about me, no one has actually spoken to me outside of whether or not homework had been assigned or for group projects and debates. I'm a nobody in an almost literal sea of somebodies. And, for the first time in my life, I have a problem with that.
"Hey, you made it!" Jace said with a smile as he ran over to me and began helping me with my bag. I stammer, attempting to assure him I have my luggage under control, but in the end I allow him his one act of chivalry, only because words have escaped me. "Liliana was convinced you were going to flake on us." He chooses to lean in all close with his camera in lieu of the zoom function I'm pretty sure the camera he's using comes with.
"Heh, well, surprise..." I nervously chuckle, lifting my hands with as much flourish as I can muster, half-smiling. I can't think of anything else to say to Jace or his camera before he loses interest in me and lugs my bag over to the truck, tossing it haphazardly in. I fear for my luggage.
"Surprise indeed." Liliana smirked, folding her arms. "We all thought you were too cool for us misfits."
"T-too cool?" I stammer, hoping it's still too dark out for people to notice the blush on my cheeks. "I-I don't really think 'cool' is the right-"
"Hey, Emma!" Nissa Revane calls from between the two walls of muscle who are talking among themselves and pointing at different places on the map, looking like they're trying to convince the other about something. "Come over here!" I don't bother to correct her about the fact she got my name wrong and obey. As I approach, she snatches the map away from Ajani and Garruk and goes to lie it flat across the hood of her truck. I follow until I'm right beside her. Up close, I can now tell she's a little taller than me, and smells faintly of something floral that prompts me to take in a few, subtle nose-fulls. The smell is almost intoxicating, and fills me with an odd feeling of calm.
"My truck doesn't have a GPS and I don't have a smartphone. Could you mark down where your school is on the map for me?" She asks. I hear her voice, but I can't actually understand her. I'm still caught up in the fact she smells good. "...Hey."
I return to the real world in a haze of confusion and embarrassment as she pokes my cheek with a pen she had been holding out for me for god knows how long.
"Sorry! Sorry!" I gasp, taking it and staring back at the map. She wanted me to... oh, right, find where my school is on the map. I apologize a few more times as I struggle to read the map. "I-I mean, I have a smartphone, if you want to use it."
"No need. I find maps to be a lot easier to use. That and they don't talk over your music to tell you to keep on driving down the same road a million times." She chuckled.
"I see..." I mutter as I go about trying to find my own school on my own phone and finding it again on Nissa's map. It takes a good, long while, but she doesn't once tell me to hurry up or tease me for how long it takes. She does, however, lean over me once I finally mark my school on the map.
"Wow. You're really far out there, huh?" She mentions. I jump and pull away, more on instinct than on purpose. I honestly feel really bad right away. She narrows her eyes at me and places her hand on her hip.
"I don't know what you've heard, but I can assure you I don't bite." She tells me.
"Sorry! I didn't mean anything by it. You just... surprised me." I mumble, wanting desperately to just curl up into a ball and die. I'm about to embark on a road trip with a bunch of people I only know through rumors and whispers and I've already insulted one of them. If I wasn't enjoying myself before, I'm really not now. Then again, how smooth can you be expected to be when your last and most intimate interaction with a person was when you shook your principals hand at graduation?
"Hm..." She makes a noise in response, like she's done sharing words with me, before she snatches up the map and runs over to everyone else. They all have the same reaction- all of them are astounded by how out-of-the-way my school is. Liliana complains about how it's probably going to tack on a few extra days to the trip. Everyone tries to collectively convince Liliana that a few more days on the road won't kill them- everyone but me anyway. I stay back next to the truck as the sun finally rises above the rooftops. I can't tell if they're all looking back to glare at me because they don't entirely trust me or because the sun is in their eyes.
I don't want to be here. I really, really don't want to be here. And yet here I am, the point of no return. My bag is somewhere in the mess of bags and coolers in the trunk of the truck, my school has been added as an official destination on the map. My thoughts (wanting to just run away and hide in my house for the entire summer) and my actions (doing anything but that) refuse to match up, and once again I find myself at war with what I want and where I've gotten myself.
For someone who prides herself on being really smart, I'm actually really dumb.
"Yo, Emma!" Nissa calls again. I look up, this time in no mood and deciding to project my internal frustrations onto the fact she keeps getting my name wrong.
"It's Emmara!" I snap, maybe a little too loud. Everyone else looks back at us, Liliana specifically cocking an eyebrow. Nissa takes a step back, shrugging and putting what looks like a lot of effort into looking nonchalant. She probably wants to snap back but is on strict orders from someone (probably Jace, who is still filming everything) to handle me with care.
"Right... Emmara..." She says a little too carefully. "Well, Liliana's car is all full up, so you and Ginger-the-Kid are riding with me."
"I heard that!" Chandra calls from behind her.
"You don't... have a problem with that, do you?" Nissa asks, sounding half genuine and half sarcastic. I do, actually. I have a problem with this whole damn trip. I have a problem with every single person here. But, true to the form I've been keeping up recently, I say the opposite.
"No, no problems here." I attempt to assure her, but she looks at me like I'm lying. Which is true, but it still manages to get under my skin, which befuddles me further. I pretend to be super laid back, she pretends to be okay with putting up with me and we eventually drift apart.
It takes a little bit on conversing that I'm not actually apart of before we actually get underway. I attempt to take the back seat of Nissa's truck, but somehow Chandra beats me to it, even though I'd been literally leaning up against the vehicle. Before I can even begin to protest she's made herself comfortable, rolling her sweatshirt up into a makeshift pillow and well on her way to getting a little more shuteye. I make awkward eye-contact with Nissa again as I embrace the single, last opportunity I have to make my escape, and then let it go as I make what feels like a death march around to the passenger-side door. I come up with a million excuses as to why I wouldn't be able to go in the span of time between getting to the door and opening it. It's too late now, I've sealed my fate.
Nissa's truck smells exactly like her, but with the added accents of cigarette smoke that's infused every surface of the vehicle and dust. A few empty cans litter the ground and the impressive collection of little meaningful looking trinkets and tassels that hang from her rear-view mirror clink and twist together as Nissa slams her door. Chandra is already snoring. I wish I could do as much- just fade into sleep and forget all of my worries in dreamland. But I'm too on edge to sleep- too on edge to even pretend and just shut my eyes to avoid having to make awkward small talk with Nissa.
The drive begins pretty silent, though, at least. She doesn't seem to be very eager to learn anything about me, and I'm not about to be insulted by that. I just lean my head against the glass and watch as our town begins to drift by. So far so good... I guess. Maybe I'll be able to make it out of this bizarre road trip alive if I just remain mute and uninteresting. At least I have that last part going for me.
"Hey, are you awake?" I snap into attention as Nissa speaks up. No point in trying to pretend to be asleep now that I've pretty much spazzed out in my seat.
"Y-yeah. I'm not really all that tired..." I mutter.
"Well that makes a total one of us then. If I don't get some music in here soon, I'm going to nod off and kill us all." She chuckles lightly, the thought of us dying in a horrible car accident apparently being funny. "I have a bunch of CDs in the glovebox. I don't care which one- I just need music to keep me awake." I silently obey as I fumble through her glovebox under loose papers and random odds-and-ends until I find a book full of what she probably mentioned.
"Um-" I begin to say before she cuts me off.
"Any one is fine, like I said. Just avoid like... the entire first page. They're all scratched to hell." She chuckles. I nod and flip to a random page, immediately met with confusion. As a creature of order and neatness, Nissa's CD collection is a mess, just a bunch of burned CDs with random things written on them. No song titles or band names or track lists or anything that would suggest what is on them. Things like "Jace has a fat ass" and "Help my pen is dying" greet me, along with cryptic things like drawings of eyes and stars and CDs where someone just decided to occupy their time with coloring entire CDs black. My hand drifts back and fourth as I try and make a selection , no cues from Nissa about what was good and what was better.
Eventually I slip "Life is out there" carefully out of it's sleeve, hoping that it won't be music that will give me a headache. Nissa responds to it well enough- a side glance and a nod, which is better than nothing. I'm left to struggle with the truck's CD player myself that isn't so much archaic as is it over-complicated. Nissa doesn't look the type to have bad taste in music, so I try to swallow back my petty worries as I press play.
The songs are ones I've never really heard in their entirety for the most part. I can pick out a few that I've heard out of passing cars or sound leakage from someone's headphones. None of it is a specific genre or by the same artist. It's just a random cacophony of songs I never had the time to actually listen to. Nissa, on the other hand, seems very acquainted with every track as well as Chandra, who eventually rises and produces a drum pad and drum sticks she'd had squirreled away somewhere. The two of them are a two girl band and I'm their unwilling audience, my forehead pressed against the glass as I watch buildings and cars pass by.
Hardly an hour has passed on my strange journey with strange people to- most likely- strange places, and I still don't know what I'm doing here.