Summary: For Quinntana Week 2014 I wrote a "Meet the Family" story, although it's less of a meet the family and more of a "coming out to the family" story, but I'm counting it. It's both Santana and Quinn's coming out.
Meet the Family
The Matter of Coming Out
"Are you sure about this?"
"No," I reply stubbornly. I can feel my throat constricting. All week its had this clawing feeling raking at its sides, a secret desperate to get out. I told myself I was going to do it today, but it's not that easy. I was actually looking forward to today, looking forward to coming clean. That was, until the day actually came.
"San," she says, gripping my hand. A flow of warm tingles runs up my hand. Even after all the months we've been together she still managed to elicit this feeling from me. "I know you can do it, babe."
I stare at her. It's funny. She should be broken. She should be weeping in a mess, telling me not to do it. She should be encouraging me to stay in the closet forever, but she's not. She's my strong angel, the way she's always been since the day I met her. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen in my life and she had this defiant scowl and piercing eyes that stabbed my soul. The moment I saw her I just knew I'd fallen down the rabbit hole, and I'd never come out of Wonderland. And I'd never want to leave.
Last month Quinn came out to her parents. It did not go well.
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—Flashback—
"Mama," Quinn calls out as she unlocks her door, gripping my hand as she lets her bag slide off her shoulder and onto the floor in the outdoor hallway. "I'm home!"
"Hello Q-ee," she responds. She walks out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on a blue cloth. "Hey Santana." She smiles graciously. She eyes our hands, fingers entwined; I can see this cloudy, unsure look cloud her eyes. But then she looks back up and smiles at us.
I recognize that look. It isn't an accepting look and it isn't a look of ignorance. It's a look of silence. It's a 'Don't ask, don't tell' look. She thinks if she ignores the fact that we're holding hands, that we've been just a little too close lately, it'll go away. She thinks she can turn the other cheek and if she doesn't see it, it isn't actually happening.
I almost scoff at her ignorance. I want to yell at her for being so thick. I want to tell her that ignoring it doesn't make it go away, it just makes it worse on everyone. But for now, this is how Quinn wants it. And I'll respect that because I love Quinn. It's not my battle, it's hers and it isn't mine to tell.
"Hey Mrs. F," I say with a sickeningly sweet smile.
"San and I are going to be in my room," Quinn tells her mom.
"Okay sweetie. Dinner will be in a couple of minutes. Will Santana be joining us?"
"Yeah." She grips my hand just a little bit tighter at the mention of dinner.
"Okay darling," Mrs. F says, already on her way back to the kitchen to prepare dinner.
Quinn drags me up the stairs into her bedroom. As soon as we're up there she immediately lets go of my hand and begins pacing around her room, breathing heavy. "I'm not sure I can do this, Tana."
"Q, you've been planning this for nearly a month. It's been eating you up inside and I can't bear to see you like this anymore."
She continues pacing, unaffected by my words. "I know I said I'd tell them at dinner today, but it's just… it's all too fast. Maybe I shouldn't do this. It isn't practical. They'll throw me out. I can't…"
I grab her shoulders and still her in the middle of her room. Her eyes are watery and her breaths rapid and shallow. She looks so cute when she's worried. "Quinn, you can do this. I don't want to pressure you into anything; you can do this whenever you're ready. But I think you need to do this for you right now," I say. "I can see you're losing yourself. You're too busy faking the good Christian and good girl and the popular HBIC you're losing who you really are."
"You're one to talk," she bites back. "You're not out yet either. You're more scared than I am!" I instantly shut up. Her eyes widen, like she just processed what she's saying. "God, I'm sorry Santana. You should come out on your own time. I just…"
"No, it's fine," I mutter. "You're right." I am scared. I'm absolutely terrified of coming out to my parents. My mother was raised in a strict Hispanic culture and they believe firmly in God. My abuela is more religious than Quinn's parents. I love her to death, but she's not exactly the most tolerant person I've ever met. My mom's a little more open and she loves me to tears, but she was still raised in a super religious household. I don't know how she'll react. She could disown me.
My father, he's a bit of a different story. My dad is far more liberal. He's a doctor who works at a hospital, but he's expecting the same old boring story for me. He wants me to go to a good college, marry a nice man, have beautiful children, and die with a wedding band on my finger and next to my husband's grave. I can just imagine the disappointment in his eyes now.
"No I'm not, Santana," Quinn says. "I'm taking my anger and stress out on you. You're the bravest person I know. I'm just projecting onto you. You're right. I'm losing myself. I just hurt you. I told myself I'd never hurt you. I'd hurt myself before I ever hurt you. I'm losing who I am and what I stand for. I can't keep playing all these parts anymore. I'm going to come out to my mom and dad tonight at dinner."
"Are you sure?" I ask unsteadily. "You don't have to if you're not ready. I don't want you to feel pressured or regret it later—"
"The only thing I'm going to regret is if I don't tell them sooner. I can't deal with another dinner of my mom setting me up with a boy from our country club who's self-absorbed, uninteresting, and quite frankly not nearly as attractive as you." I smile weakly. She brings a finger up to my chin, lifting it. "There's that smile. And I'll have you with me." She intertwines our fingers again. "As long as I have you, that's all I'll ever need."
I want to tell her how beautiful she looks right now, her defiant smile. I want to tell her how proud I am of her. I want to tell her that she's turning me on right now. I want to tell her that when she touches me I get sparks all throughout my body. I want to tell her that when she walks into my room, everything else fades to black. She's the only thing I ever notice. I want to tell her that every time I hear her talk I get lost in her voice. I want to tell her every time I look into her eyes I've never felt so connected to anybody. I want to tell her I don't know who I am without her. But I don't. I say, "I love you."
It's the first time in the six months we've been together that I've said that I love her.
"You love me?" she asks, tears blurring in her eyes.
"I fucking love you Quinn Fabray, my strong angel," I say with a wide smile.
"I fucking love you too, Santana Lopez, my brave girl." She leans in and kisses me, wrapping her arms around my neck. I slowly put my hands on her hips and lead her back onto the bed. The two of us collapse onto the fluffy sheets and continue kissing. It's without demand or consequence. It isn't frenzied passion. It just is. It's her telling me she loves me and me telling her she's my everything.
We kiss like this until her mom calls up, "Quinn, Santana, it's time for dinner." The two of us slowly separate after that.
"Time to face the music," Quinn says. She has a sad look in her eyes. Looking back on it, it's almost like she knew what was going to happen. But for some reason she went down with a confidence in her step and she told them anyways.
I still remember it like it was yesterday. "Mom, Dad," she takes a deep breath. "I'm gay. I love girls. I'm never going to love and marry a guy. I'm going to love and marry Santana." It was shocking to hear her say that. We'd never talked about the future, not really. Hell, I made her promise not to even talk about college because if we went two different places it would be too agonizing to think about. Knowing that she thought about it, that she planned to marry me sent a flurry of butterflies fluttering in my stomach. It didn't last long.
Russell blew up at her. His face was redder than a tomato, and let me tell you that is really damn red. "No daughter of mine will be gay! Quinn, march straight back up to your room right this instant! And you," he turns his attention on me. "Freaking dyke, you turned my daughter gay! You used your devilish charms on her poor sweet heart and seduced her into sin."
Judy was just standing there, hands covering her mouth, appalled. She just kept muttering, "Oh Quinn. Oh my baby girl." Tears were in her eyes. She was ashamed. She was disappointed in her daughter. It freaking pissed me off. Quinn was perfect. She was beyond perfect. And they couldn't even see what God had blessed them.
"Santana didn't 'seduce' me. I fell in love with her!" Quinn shouts back at her father.
"Get back up to your room right now," Russell grows at her, taking a threatening step towards her. Something in me just snapped.
"You stay the hell away from her," I growl, putting myself between the two of them. Quinn tries to push me back, but I don't move.
Russell, the bastard, comes straight towards me until his face is barely a centimeter away from mine. "Back away from my daughter," he snarls.
I stand my ground. "Not a chance."
Russell looks up to the sky and begins to fucking pray to God. He better if he doesn't want me to whoop his ass. "Dear Lord, please forgive me for this." And suddenly, his jaw connects with my face. I stumble backwards, reeling from the experience. I'm a little dizzy and things aren't quite in focus. I bring a hand up to my jaw, it feels funny.
Quinn runs to my side, clutching my arm and helping to keep me upright. "You monster," she yells at him through tear-stained eyes.
"Quinnie, I'm giving you a chance to repent for your sins," Russell says, standing next to his ever-faithful doormat of a wife Judy. He makes a 'come hither' motion with his hand. "Come over here, Quinn. Leave her behind. God will forgive you for this slight lapse in judgment."
She looks up at him. I've never seen her angrier in her life. I've never seen her stronger than in that moment. Despite everything in the world being against her, she'd never looked more powerful, more beautiful. "I have nothing to repent for. You do. I won't leave Santana. I love her." She stands tall and proud as she reaches for my hand and holds it in hers.
"Quinn, get over here right now. This is your last chance. Either you come over here and we get you fixed or you pack your things and you leave. Tonight." I hear Judy cry out, her baby leaving her.
Quinn doesn't say a word. She just brings our joined hands to her mouth and kisses it. It's more powerful than any words she could've said.
"I see you've chosen sin. You have ten minutes to grab all your things and never come back. I hope you enjoy it in hell."
"I'll see you there," she bites. And just like that she walks up the stairs and begins packing. I help her. We're out of there in nine minutes and speeding off in my car.
"Babe, I'm so proud of you," I say, our hands still together.
"Santana," she says.
"Yeah?"
"It hurts." That's when I look over and I finally see her crying.
—End of Flashback—
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And yet here she is standing tall, telling me to come out. She's living in one of those LGBT group homes for teens whose parents kicked them out. A lot of the LGBT teens in Ohio live there, it's sad really that so many are rejected. I come around a lot and the people there are so nice and inclusive. Quinn calls them family by now. They're way better than the people she was born into. She jokes if my parents do the same I can come live with her a little bit ahead of time. I know she's just joking, but it's all too real of a possibility after seeing what Quinn's parents did.
"I think I'm ready."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." I jiggle my key into the door and walk in. Quinn is right beside me. I want to reach out and have her hold me. I want us to brush hands. I just want to touch her in some way. It'll calm me, but I know I can't right now.
My parents are waiting in the living room, both sitting seriously on the couch. "Santana, we're both here, what is it? Why did you text us to both be here? Is something wrong?"
"Nothings wrong mom." Not exactly wrong…
"Then what is it, San?" she asks, tenderly caressing my arm. I can't help but wonder will she be doing that in a minute? Will I still be her baby in a minute? Or will she treat me like Judy and Russell treated Quinn, a piece of garbage, a nothing.
Suddenly, I begin to lose my nerve. What if she does kick me out? What if she stops loving me? I look into her deep brown eyes, the ones that match mine. Could those eyes turn against me? Maybe I'm not ready to do this.
I glance over at my dad. He's nervously tousling with his hands. He's afraid for me. In another minute will he still care for me? Will he still be afraid for me, or will he be afraid of me?
Is right now the moment I lose my parents?
I could hold onto them longer. I could just not say anything. I could say it was something stupid. It was something Sue did. I come up with a thousand reasons, a thousand excuses, anyway for me not to tell them.
But there's this clawing feeling in my throat, this feeling that tells me I need to say something. There's a knife in my heart and it's killing me not telling them. But which is worse? Hiding who I am as it slowly tears me apart on the inside or getting torn apart by them? Estranged from the parents I love, the people who raised me, the people who taught me about love.
And that's when Quinn steps up next to me. It's a small gesture, but she grabs my hand and its all the strength I need. Look at her and I know. Even if I lose my parents today, which is an all too real possibility, I'll have her. And that's all I need to know. That's all the reassurance need.
"Mom, Dad, I'm gay." I squeeze my eyes tight, not wanting to see their reaction. I focus in only on Quinn's hand in mine and how right that feels.
"Oh Santana," my mother says. She sounds disappointed. "We're so proud of you!" And that's when my eyes fly open.
"Proud?" Wait… what just happened. Did they hear me correctly? I shoot a skeptical look at Quinn, but she's grinning away.
"Dear, we've known for years," my father adds gently, standing up off the couch to give me a hug.
"But… how?"
"Honey, we saw the way you looked at Quinn when you were thirteen years old. I'm so happy for the two of you!"
Still shocked, I entangle from my father's embrace. "You've known since I was thirteen?"
"We're just glad that you finally told us."
I take a shallow breath. I'm just so relieved, but a little pissed off. "You let me go on for years without saying anything as I worried whether you'd accept me?"
"Oh honey," my mother says, caressing my face. "We just didn't want to force you. We wanted you to tell us on your own time. Back then I'm not even sure you knew," she tutted.
"Mami," I say, shoving her playfully.
She smiles, "I'm just so proud of you baby." She directs her attention over to Quinn. "And darling, welcome to the family!"
Quinn smiles. "Thanks Mrs. Lopez. It's nice to have a family again." And just like that, it was over. The moment I had been dreading for months became one of the best experiences of my life. I was finally free and I was finally 100% me. I smile at Quinn and give her a chaste kiss.
"Okay okay, kiss your girlfriend on your own time," Dad taunts. "I'm going to go make dinner, Quinn, feel free to stay."
"Thanks Mr. Lopez."
The two of us eloped for my bedroom upstairs. "Hey, I'm proud of you,' Quinn says, pulling me into a much deeper kiss now that my parents aren't around. "I love you."
"I love you too."