DISCLAIMER: I do not own InuYasha. This is strictly for enjoyment. I make no profit from this work.
Letting Go
By: Tatarimokke
.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.
Incense piteously stung InuYasha's nostrils when he pushed back the door hanging to the hut. The dwelling was old, its wood rotting around life, and its smell stale. Once vibrantly colored furnishings, now long ago faded, reeked of age's musty stench. He squelched the urge to gag from the overbearing sweet scent as he continued to take in his surroundings. Dark. No light. A single bed hastily thrown together lay in the furthest, darkest corner. Focusing his senses, he breathed in the bed's foul smell and narrowed his eyes. Death lurked inside of these broken walls.
Such a decrepit atmosphere. InuYasha, mustering all the resilience he could, sat down to wait for the hut's single occupant, struggling to overcome his weakness against the intense odors. Never in his life would he choose to put himself through this rank agony, but this was for someone else—someone worth suffering for.
He lost track of the time that he waited in that decaying hellhole, each minute seeming an hour as he grew weaker in his fight to maintain full consciousness. The smells saturated his being; the surroundings depressed his soul. The entire time, he told himself it was worth it. Scent, such a minor thing to humans born weaker than him, drove him insane.
The dusty, old curtain moved in the stillness just when he thought that he had reached his limit.
Bones may have well taken to life and walked through that entrance as he caught sight of the old woman he sought. Hunched over and brittle, nothing to her but sallow, dripping skin, the woman looked more a wraith than a human being as she struggled to hold a small bundle and lean on her short walking stick at the same time. The eyes resting in her face drew dark and wide; her mouth appeared but a thin line. The walking stick seemed to be the only thing holding her up, but even that wobbled uncertainly in her grasp. He couldn't tell if it was strictly because of her or the fact that the gnarled piece of wood itself was weak. But despite all, there was a strange strength in her being and when she caught sight of the half-breed nearly choking in her quarters, those dark eyes intensified, and she meant business.
"Baba, you have the gift of sight?" InuYasha croaked, his voice rougher than usual. The incense filled his lungs.
The old woman did not say anything at first. Walking slowly to the tattered bedding, she placed down the parcel and lit a few more sticks of incense, waving the smoke to rise with one arm as she used the other support herself on her weak stick.
InuYasha swallowed his gagging reflex.
She breathed deeply, her eyes drifting shut as the sweet smoke wafted up through her senses. Not hurried, but waiting. Not insolent, but patient...knowing.
InuYasha growled and leaped to his feet. He wavered as dizziness spread through him, bracing himself against the wall behind him.
"Baba—"
"Sit down," the old voice commanded. Her closed eyes opened and made contact with his blazing amber orbs and she slammed her stick against the ground. "Sit."
InuYasha cursed under his breath, but he obeyed. He sat sullenly and waited for the living wraith to say something again, inwardly berating himself. Never had he thought he would listen willingly to the command to sit ever again. This old woman, however...
He narrowed his eyes. "I don't have time to wait, but I need your help, old woman."
A quick nod. The old woman closed her eyes again. "You have run off, not wanting to be found." Her expression became more intense. "You are here for the sake of a friend."
A statement, not a question.
"Yes." InuYasha felt hope surge within him, despite his current physical condition.
"You don't know how to help her."
He shook his head. "No."
"But you want to?"
InuYasha glowered and ground his teeth. The old woman asked too many questions and did not get to the point fast enough. "I'm here, aren't I?"
Laughing humorlessly, she returned her attention to the smoke. Her eyes became unfocused and her body rigid. The walking stick fell flush with her form. Time seemed to stand as still as she, and InuYasha found himself keeping as still as possible. The only movement in the small room was the rising smoke.
"Human and youkai become one. A half-breed is born." The seer stopped and returned to her original state of consciousness. "You. You're the half-breed."
InuYasha met her gaze with hard eyes. "I am a half-breed."
"You are hurt by your life."
"That's not why I'm here."
Her old face split into a knowing grin. "In your heart are two women. Both kind and beautiful, both important to you. One cold and one warm. One more important than the other."
"No." InuYasha shook his head violently. "Both equally important."
"One more important than the other," the seer repeated firmly. "Yes, I see this. You, your heart, it knows this."
"You can't understand." Another wave of incense hit him full force, and InuYasha reeled. Reaching for his bearings, he held his ground. "I—I love them both."
Nodding, the old seer motioned for him to stand. "Love both but desire one. Come, let's talk outside."
InuYasha stood and watched as the seer painstakingly made her way outside, following her only after she had left the hut.
The fresh air was as pure water is to a parched throat. InuYasha doubled over and coughed violently to clear his lungs once outside, taking in greedy mouthfuls of air. The scent of incense lingered on his clothes and body, but it was not nearly as intense as it had been inside the seer's hut. This he could withstand.
"The one you love most brings you here."
He was not sure, however, whether or not he could endure any more of the seer's questions.
"I already told you, old woman," he seethed, "I love them both. The same."
Whack!
InuYasha stumbled on his feet as the unexpected blow from the seemingly weak walking stick contacted with his skull. For a moment his sight blackened, and when it returned, the images in front of his eyes were at first blurry. She was quicker than he would have given her credit for.
Growling darkly, InuYasha whirled on the woman. "What the hell was that for?"
Sighing, the seer shook her head. "Human and youkai become one. A half-breed is born."
"Yeah, yeah, we already covered that," he spat, rubbing his aching skull. "I'm a half-breed."
"Half-breed is two in the same. One woman desires the human. The woman you desire desires both. And..." the seer paused to look him in the eyes "...she is why you are here."
InuYasha swallowed, his throat suddenly dry.
Noticing his silence, the old woman looked up and grinned toothlessly. "It may take time, but you will come to accept this, and when you do, the pain in your life will lessen." When he remained silent, she took pity on him. Stamping her stick against the ground, she stated: "Now, tell me what you want to know. Tell my why she brought you here."
"You keep saying that she brought me here!" InuYasha shouted, losing his temper. He stood and towered over the old woman. "What do you know about her? How would you know about her?"
"I am a seer."
"That doesn't answer my question!"
Whack!
"Shit!" InuYasha clutched his head once again.
"Now you understand."
"I'm going to break your stick."
"Stick will break you first. Now, tell me."
Beaten in a battle of wills by an old, broken woman with an old, broken stick, InuYasha wondered at the irony and then wondered at the stupidity of it all. He had battled thousands of youkai and in some way or another always come out the victor. Here, a ghost of a woman defeated him.
InuYasha sighed. The pain that old woman had the capability of inflicting was not worth it.
"The woman you speak of," he began carefully, "Feels guilt for something that is not her fault."
"Guilt?"
He nodded. "She is kind and loves others, cares for them before herself, but something..." InuYasha stopped, not sure of how to continue. How was it possible to describe a guilt that had no merit? "She's not at fault. Somehow it would have happened anyway. Fate decided that a long time ago."
The old seer thought for a moment nodding her head. "She feels responsible for how this has affected others."
"Yes."
"I see. What else?"
"Years ago I was pinned to a tree by a miko."
"Ah," the seer grinned. "You are InuYasha."
He made a face. "Shouldn't you already know that if you're a seer?"
"I am a seer, not a god. Even my knowledge is limited."
InuYasha nodded once, not missing how she chose to ignore his rudeness. He didn't doubt in the least that she could have clocked him over the head with that stick again.
"Am I wrong as to your identity?" The seer interrupted his thoughts and stared at him evenly.
"I am InuYasha." Warily he continued. "The woman, the warm one, she is not from this time."
Nodding, she lowered herself slowly to the ground, grasping InuYasha's forearm for support. "I've heard rumor that one of your companions is from a place close by, yet very far away. Be wary of who discovers this truth. Continue."
InuYasha sat and joined her, almost afraid to ask his next question, although he would never admit it… "She is the one who released me, but where she is from, I do not exist. Why? What changed after she came?"
No response. Fathomless eyes stared back expectantly.
He swallowed, nervous for the first time in a very long while. A specific question. A specific question was required for an answer, but it was a question that required one facing the fear of the unknown.
"What had happened to me before I knew her?"
The old seer looked up, nodding sagely. "That is a strong request. It can be done, but are you certain that you want to know this?"
InuYasha never broke eye contact with her. "Will it change either past, present, or future?"
"No, it will not. All that would have changed has already happened."
InuYasha steeled his gaze. "I want to know."
Old seer held is eyes for a moment and then nodded. "Very well. I will do this for you. But, we must go back to my home. There are things that I need for this." She began the slow process of standing herself up.
Meanwhile, InuYasha growled and shot to his feet. "You know as well as I do that all that damn incense you have in there is suffocating me! Is there any other way to do this?" He glowered at the old woman as she stood.
For a moment she seemed to contemplate and consider what he said, quickly coming to a decision as she smiled, her wrinkled skin hanging even more obviously as she did so. "There is another way."
"Then let's do it."
Whack!
InuYasha never knew what hit him.
.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.
"It's getting late."
Kagome finished tucking her sleeping bag around a sleeping Shippou before turning and acknowledging the taijya. She bent down and placed a kiss on the kit's forehead. His mother or father should be doing this.
The thought came unbidden and unwanted. Kagome swallowed and tried to focus on the kit's adorable face as he slept, tucking his covers more securely around him.
They would never have died if you...
She clenched her eyes shut. Not now. She would ignore it.
Kagome stood, ignoring her thoughts, and faced her friend. "I know it's late, Sango, but I'm going to stay up a bit more and wait for him. He's been gone for hours. He can't be gone that much longer."
Sango wrapped her arms around herself to keep warm and nodded. "You're right." Looking to the left, she whistled.
Kirara came bounding out of the woods fully transformed and leaped for Sango. In midair she disappeared into a small cloud, landing as a small kitten in Sango's arms. The older girl laughed as the fire-cat purred.
Kagome laughed halfheartedly when Kirara licked Sango's face and purred louder. It was good to see the close relationship between the two, good to see that Sango still had someone from her past to care for her. Swallowing, Kagome pushed away the dark feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Sango, not noticing the subtle change in Kagome's mood, smiled. "Kirara will keep you company while you wait." She scratched the cat's ears and handed her to Kagome.
"You mean keep me company and keep me safe." She jokingly threw an accusing eye at Sango.
The other woman just smiled. "You know me well." She turned to leave. "There is plenty left to eat that is still warm. I'm sure InuYasha will be hungry."
Nodding, Kagome lifted Kirara to her shoulder. "I'll keep the fire going. Kirara and I will be right back. We're going to find some more kindling."
A soft smile. "Goodnight, Kagome."
Kagome smiled back and headed toward the woods.
It was a clear, cold night with stars glittering above and a bright, full moon. The night sounds traveled more readily, and Kagome grinned as she heard the forest noises usually hidden from her. Tonight she would try to avoid those unpleasant thoughts.
Kirara hopped off her shoulder and ambled beside her, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere. Together, she and Kagome collected more sticks to feed the fire, Kirara listening with a ready ear as Kagome talked beside her.
"You know, Kirara," Kagome paused to adjust her light green turtleneck, "I could just strangle him for staying away for so long." She bent to pick up a stick.
Kirara stopped walking and cocked her head to the side, a bundle of sticks clenched in her teeth.
"None of us have any idea where he has gone, if he's hurt, when he's coming back..." she trailed off. "I just wish he'd tell us before shooting off like that."
Kirara snorted and deposited her bundle of sticks at the human girl's feet, looking up at her expectantly when she was finished.
Looking down at the fire-cat Kagome laughed, her first truly joyful sound all night. The cat's vibrant, bright pink stare poignantly accused her of worrying. Kirara growled a little.
"Okay, Kirara." She reached down and scooped up the tiny youkai. "I amworried that he may have gone to see Kikyou. Happy?"
Kirara lifted her head to be scratched under her chin, and Kagome sighed. "Do you blame me?"
"Considering that is not where I was, yes, I do."
InuYasha.
Kagome dropped her shoulders and sighed. Of course he would pick that time to drop out of the sky. Petting the fire-cat one last time, Kagome set Kirara on the ground and nudged her toward camp. "I'll be back, Kirara. Thanks for keeping me company."
With a light mew, Kirara took off toward camp, only pausing to rub her body around InuYasha's legs to welcome him back.
Smiling wanly as Kirara disappeared, Kagome brushed her hands off and turned to face what she knew would be a very irate InuYasha. "Where were you?"
"Kikyou, Kagome?"
Kagome whirled around, her eyes flashing. "Don't get on my case. It's happened before, and you've been so secretive this time, disappearing like that. What am I suppose to think?"
"Use your head, maybe?" InuYasha shot back. He crossed his arms and looked away from the steaming young woman. He was sure that if he lived long enough, he would one day read about her in books and that her temper would be mentioned as legendary. Hell, he'd help write the books just to make sure it got in there.
"Jerk," she muttered.
"Wench." A slight wind picked up, and he caught her scent as the breeze blew it toward him. He breathed it in deeply, glad for the pleasant smell. The incense had done a number on his nose earlier and it had taken forever to clear out. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her shiver.
"Come on," he sighed. "Let's go back." He held out his hand, expecting her to take it.
"I'd rather not." Kagome wrapped her arms around herself and turned from him.
Fickle woman, he internally seethed.
"I'd rather you did." InuYasha laid a firm hand on her shoulder. "We're going back."
Kagome pushed his hand from her shoulder, refusing to face him.
"Let's go, Kagome."
"I don't want to."
InuYasha clenched his teeth together to keep from shouting. She was freezing but too stubborn and proud to admit it. This seemed to be a common pattern when she was angry.
"I wasn't with Kikyou, wench. Got it? Now, let's go. I'm not asking, I'm telling!" He reached forward and grabbed her arm.
With a surprising amount of strength, Kagome wrenched out of his grasp and began stalking off in a direction other than camp.
"What's wrong with you?" he shouted after her.
"I'm not going back yet!" she shouted back over her shoulder. "Do you mind if I have a little peace?"
Not going back yet. Peace...
It's bothering her again. And, he sincerely doubted that thinking he was with Kikyou made it any better.
InuYasha narrowed his eyes. A single bound and he was in front of her, efficiently stopping her retreat. "You need to let it go."
Kagome scowled at his strength and insight and stubbornly tried to go around him.
He blocked her path.
"Leave me alone right now, InuYasha. I don't want to talk about it. You wouldn't understand."
"Maybe you're the one who doesn't understand." More quickly than she could see, InuYasha scooped her up in one arm and leaped into the nearest tree. Kagome immediately voiced her protest at a level that was more than uncomfortable for his sensitive ears and struggled dangerously to free herself from his grasp. InuYasha clung tighter to the thrashing girl and growled a warning. She did not stop moving until they landed high into the tree's branches.
Satisfied that they were at a height far enough from the ground to thwart any escape attempts, he sat the angry girl down on his lap, facing him. "You're mad at me because if something had happened to me, you'd think it was your fault."
"Not true," Kagome spat stubbornly.
"Very true."
"Partially true," she finally conceded. "I'm also mad that you didn't tell me where you had gone. For hours."
"I went to talk to a seer." InuYasha leaned back against the tree trunk and waited for her to speak.
"A seer?" She fell quiet for a moment. "Why?"
"To help you with your problem."
Kagome glared at him incredulously. "A seer, InuYasha? So you just up and decide to go and share my personal life with a person you don't even know?" She felt the burning rise of anger start in her chest, stealthily sneaking upward until it rose to her throat and exited her mouth. "You're such a jerk, InuYasha." Pushing a finger into his chest, Kagome held back her tears. "Let me down."
InuYasha scoffed. "No fucking chance. Not until this is settled."
"Of all the..." Kagome laughed bitterly and threw her hands up. "How can a seer help me, InuYasha?" The tears she had been holding back disobediently fell down her cheeks. Hastily swiping the back of her hand across her eyes, Kagome glowered at InuYasha. "You had better come up with an answer quick, moron, or I'm jumping!"
A growl surged through InuYasha's chest, and he suddenly reached forward, wrapping Kagome securely in his arms. "Like hell you will. You're not going anywhere 'til this is finished, got it?"
Kagome glared and struggled; InuYasha simply tightened his hold. Passively, calmly, he held her in his grasp while she fought against his arms, cringing when the tears increased through her frustration. Must he always make her cry? Finally, she gave up, angrily leaning her forehead on his chest and letting out a choked sob of frustration.
Kagome sniffed and raised furious, teary eyes to look at him. "I won't say I hate you, InuYasha, but I really don't like you very much at the moment."
"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, looking away. He could deal with that later. "You ready to listen?"
"Not particularly."
"Tough shit, you're going to."
He waited until she had situated herself back against his arms, crossing her own over her chest and glaring at him pointedly. He mentally noted that it was not a stance that said she was pleased with him, but he chose to ignore it. She could get over it later. Right now...
InuYasha took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I asked...I asked the seer why I had never existed in your time."
Kagome stared dully. "What's your point, InuYasha?"
"Haven't you ever wondered why you never found me pinned to that damned tree in your era?" He was shouting, his patience's last thread having snapped. "Did the thought ever cross your mind that I wasn't there?"
Edging back a bit at his sudden abruptness, Kagome's eyes widened slightly. "I figured it was because I set you free." Her words had lost their previous poison. She nervously tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. Intuition told her that this conversation was headed in a direction that she would not like… "Wasn't it?"
InuYasha snorted. "I wish, wench."
Saying nothing, InuYasha turned away and lost himself in his thoughts until he felt her eyes boring into him intently.
"InuYasha, what—"
"I'm dead, wench."
Her body went rigid against his arms, and her air rushed out in a single breath. Kagome felt the trembling begin in her shoulders. She reached out and laid a shaky hand against his cheek, convincing herself that what he said was not real, that he was as true as life itself. She forced herself to breathe.
"Dead?" she choked.
InuYasha nodded firmly, forcing himself to ignore her upset. She needed to her this. "Dead, or at least I was dead. When you came along, everything changed."
Her hand fell from his face. "I don't understand."
"Before you fell down the well..." he paused and swallowed. This was going to be more difficult for him than he thought. "Things were different before you fell down the well."
She nodded her head, encouraging him to continue.
"Keh! I was still pinned to that damned tree since you had never been here to let me go." He suddenly fell silent. "Time's only good to you for so long before someone comes along and gets rid of you."
Her eyes widening in horror, Kagome's hands flew to her mouth. "Who—"
"Humans. Thought for some reason that an unconscious—even a dead—half-breed was too much of a threat to them." InuYasha stopped and swallowed. "Most people stayed away from the forest. They didn't. They wanted to build another village, and I was in the way." InuYasha suddenly laughed bitterly.
"InuYasha..."
He lifted his chin and looked her straight in the eyes. "They ran me straight through with a rusty, old sword and then skewered me with a fucking pitchfork to pull me from the tree." He stopped and swallowed again, determined to get his emotions under control. The thought that this could have happened or did...
"They threw my body into the woods. No burial, no burning. But the wild animals—"
"Stop!" Kagome screamed. She fell forward onto his chest.
InuYasha winced when her fists desperately clenched the front of his haori before securely tucking his arms around her. He did not mean to approach her so harshly, but it was important that she heard the reality of what history had been. Rocking Kagome gently as her arms fell around his waist, InuYasha waited until her cries died down to sniffles before tilting her chin up with his index finger.
"Kagome..."
"The wards. Kaede had set up wards around you." She shuddered. "They should have protected you."
"Wards only last as long as the caster lives."
Silence ensued. The soft rustling of the leaves whispered in their ears, the night's soft breeze gently flowing over them as they sat. He tightened his arms only slightly. Her tears had not stopped.
"Why would you tell me something like that, InuYasha?" Kagome's chin rested on his chest, her tear-bright eyes looking up at him desperately needing an answer. "It's horrible," she whispered.
"It's not going to happen." InuYasha sighed and helped Kagome sit up. "When you came through the well, you changed all of that. You set me free before any of that could take place." Cupping her cheek in a rare show of affection, he smiled slightly. "You saved me."
"But why are you telling me this?" she paused. "I would have rather not known."
"I'm telling you," he said gently, grasping her chin, "because you blame your being here for everybody's troubles. You think it's your fault that Shippou doesn't have his parents. You think it's your fault that Sango lost her family and village. I'm telling you that it's not."
"But it is!" she cried, throwing her arms up. "Even you! If I hadn't come down the well, you'd be dead!" She quieted, her eyes looking down. "Face it, InuYasha. Yours was a good outcome. But again, it changed when I came here. It's all still my fault."
InuYasha sighed. "Everything happens for a reason, Kagome. You can't control destiny. Fate or whatever, you were chosen to do certain things."
"But Shippou—"
He waved her quiet. "Shippou lost his parents, but look what Shippou'sbecoming. He'll know and be able to do more than most other brainless youkai when he's older. He already does."
InuYasha pulled her against his chest and tucked her head under his chin. Kagome let out a shuddering sigh, evidence that she still fought to keep control of her emotions. He held her tighter, absently stroking her back with his claws.
"Sango probably would have never met that damn monk if she hadn't lost so much. She's still be milling around her village instead of traveling with us."
"But Miroku?"
"Keh, you know as well as I do, wench, that they'll end up together. Face it, Kagome. There was no choice in the matter of any of it. You're not the one who put all of this into play, and things will turn out alright."
InuYasha felt her smile against his clothing, and he finally relaxed. He had so much to be grateful to her for. Silence surrounded them as they sat together, finally in a moment of peace. His hand rest in her hair, his claws idly stroking though the silky strands as she moved her ear to press against his chest. He let out a low chuckle when he realized that she was listening for his heartbeat and felt her smile again when the vibrations from his laughter tickled her cheek.
"I'm fine, as you can see," he mused.
Kagome sat up and grinned, a light shade of pink tingeing her cheeks. "I know. Just wanted to know." She reached forward and lightly cradled his face in her hands. "I'm sorry for what I said to you. I was just upset."
"Keh." He turned his face a little, his pout turning into a grin before he turned back to her. "I know you don't mean it."
A small smile lit her features. "Seriously, InuYasha. Thank you for making the effort to help me. I know...I know it couldn't have been easy asking the seer something like that."
"It wasn't," he admitted, looking down as he thought. He winced suddenly, his hand coming to rest at the back of his head. "Rather painful, in fact."
"What?"
"Never mind."
Night steadily moved on into the earliest morning hours, the temperature dropping a few extra degrees. Kagome shivered.
"It's late. We should get back."
Nodding mutely, InuYasha secured his arm about her waist and dropped from the branches. When they landed, he gently set Kagome onto the ground.
The girl stretched, slowly feeling the blood return to her legs. Sitting in trees with InuYasha would always hold a fond place in her memories, but it was killer on her circulation, keeping cramped up like that.
"There's some dinner still on the fire if you're hungry."
InuYasha started walking toward camp. The smell of the food had been lingering on the wind for the past hour, and he was hungry.
Kagome stared mulishly at his back. "I'll take that as a yes."
Saying nothing, InuYasha stopped and held his hands out behind him.
A smile. Kagome moved forward and took his hands, laughing when he pulled her suddenly up onto his back. She settled with a far from graceful 'thud' due to the quick movement but was soon comfortable riding along comfortably in their companionable silence.
"InuYasha?" she suddenly said.
"Hmmm?" He answered her lazily, the steady rhythm of their prodding along lulling him into a peaceful oblivion.
Her chin came to rest on his left shoulder. "I'm glad I fell through the well."
Ever so slightly, he felt her arms squeeze around his shoulders and her cheek press against his. He smiled.
"Me too."
.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.
A/N: Been a while since I've written. School had been dominating my life until a sudden, potentially life-threatening injury took precedence. Crazy times. I hope that you all have enjoyed this. If you did, please drop a note. It would be much appreciated. Constructive criticism also always more than welcomed. To all of you, enjoy your holidays and the New Year. Tatarimokke