You Shine, Even Now
Spoilers: The end of the whole Haku/Zabuza ordeal...
Pairings: In a way, Hakue & Zabuza... but...well it's hardto explain...just read it lol
Warning: Grab a tissue (I was even crying just writing it...really)
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or the characters. Man, why even write a disclaimers statement? This is specifically a fanfiction site lol
A/N: I am currently writing an NCIS fic but I've been watching Naruto lately and the whole Haku/Zabuza thing stuck in my head. I had to vent somehow so I thought why not? I was listening to 'Weapon' by Matthew Good Band when I wrote this so ...yeah it's definitely an angst fic lol ...PLEASE REVIEW! On with the story...
As I watched you took your final breaths and shed a single tear of snow, I wanted you to know that my last thoughts were of you. How I wish with all of my heart and soul that I could follow you to the place you're going. How I long to have your forgiveness for all that I have done to you. How I dream of being with you and only you. I should feel grateful in a way, that I can spend my last moments with you, laying by your side. The pain that runs through my veins as I bring my hand up to your beautiful, innocent face feels insignificant compared to the pain in my chest. My heart feels like it's breaking in two; you didn't deserve this. Haku...
You deserved better. You have a pure soul, one that wasn't meant to see the things you have seen. You were...you are an angel, one sent to me from the most beautiful yet most foolish of places for I do not deserve such a companion, such loyalty...such friendship. I needed you beside me, I will not deny myself that at this moment, no. But I could not give you what you needed. I treated you will indifference so as not to get too close to you, protecting myself from heartbreak if anything were to happen to you. Haku, I was so selfish. At times when you needed me the most, I would brush you off, like you were an object, a... weapon. Even though you offered yourself to me as a weapon, you are a human being and you deserved respect of the highest honor for your selflessness.
From what I know of your childhood with your parents, you were a sweet innocent boy with a warm heart that would have melted all of winter. Not that you have ever told me that, but I know it's true. You were happy and had you not have been burdened with the kekkei genkai, you could have grown up to be happy as well. You were oblivious to the destruction that you could have caused, and, in some ways, I wish you could've stayed that way. You are one of the most dangerous ninja I have ever come across, yet you had the innocent spirit of a child. Despite how I may have acted towards you, that was always somehting I loved about you. Between the two of us, you still had the strength to smile. I hope you don't keep your beautiful smile hidden when you are in that beautiful place. Heaven would not have light without it. It would become darker than Hell if you were to die in sadness.
All these years, I have used you as a tool, a weapon, and trained you solely for my own protection. I hope you realise that I would give anything to have protected you. I would have given my life for you in any given battle, but you were always strong enough. Sometimes I thought you never even needed me anymore. This may suprise you but the fact that you may never have needed me and that you could have said goodbye at any given moment scared me... and made me sad beyond compare. You gave your life for me. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have protected you. I would have never even accepted the job in the first place. But I am human after all, and I cannot foresee the future. For that I am glad, as the sorrow and fear of knowing of your demise would have surely killed me. Heh, there I go being selfish, yet again. I'm so sorry, Haku. I should have stepped in front of you...somehow, I should have saved you from Kakashi's blow. Hell, he didn't even mean to hit you, I bet he regrets what he did. After all, he was against me, not you. I'm sure he could see your purity as well...
After all these years, I have finally realised. It was you who was teaching me, not the other way around. You have taught me to have compassion, fear, sorrow, happiness... Some nights I cursed you for what you made me feel. And just think, all that time I was belittling you before I went to sleep, I could have been with you. I could have easily gone into the next room of wherever we were, sat on your bed and watched you sleep. Then again, I am not nearly as graceful as you for I would have surely woken you up. But even still, I coud have told you what you made me feel, we could have bonded more often, I could have given you a little bit of companionship, at least. But no, as always my pride got in the way of that. Besides, I would have only tainted your pure heart.
You are the good to my evil, the light to my dark, the angel to my demon. My world was always filled with darkness and my heart with hate, that was until I met you.
"We have the same eyes..."
We are similar in many ways...but we are different in so many more. Complete opposites even. There is no room for me in Heaven, I am quite certain of that, but I know that there wouldn't even be a Heaven without you. As much as I wish to be with you in the next life, I know that I cannot, for I have sinned many a sin without an ounce of shame or remorse. I have killed without an ounce of regret. I have stolen without an ounce of guilt. Yet all these feelings are coming to me now as I lay with you. Why? I already know I cannot follow you into the light so why must I go through this pain?
As I tough your face I realise how soft and pale your skin is compared to my rough fingertips. You are beautiful in almost every way, Haku. The exception to your beauty is your lack of self worth. If only I had shown you how beautiful you are and how much you mean to me, then maybe, you might have realised that you deserved better than a poor excuse for a human being such as myself. I will never forgive myself for all that I have done to you. There is only one reason I will allow myself to die here and now beside you. I have successfully avenged your death. As sick as it is, Gatou is gone and that would be enough for me to smile, if I could smile. By me going after that devil, I also killed myself in the process. The two people who caused your premature demise are never going to walk the earth again, Haku, please I hope you can find it in your heart to be glad for that.
"Are you crying, Haku?"
The snow is still falling, and I realise that I can see a light. My eyes have now closed. There should be darkness, but... but there is still light. How is that possible? I nearly laugh at my foolishness. It must be because of how close beside me you are. Your powerful light is still near. I'm sure it will fade soon and all will be dark and cold. Be sure to look over me while you're in Heaven, even if it is to take amusement in my suffering. I don't care anymore. As long as I see that you made it to your place in the light, I have to make sure somehow that you made it...
Suddenly all is still. The light has not disappeared yet, in fact, the light is getting brighter. Haku, I'm scared. I do not know what is going on. All I can see is a bright light of a figure in front of me...
"Haku!" Your hand is reaching out to me. Your smile and soft beautiful eyes are telling me that it is alright, not to be afraid. This isn't right. Go Haku! I yell in my mind, for I can't speak. Your beauty has, once again, left me speechless. Go! The darkness is surely looking for me. It will get you too if you don't leave now!
You touch my hand. It is so warm, so reasurring. I suddenly realise; I can follow you. Why? This doesn't make any sense. I feel so safe when I am with you, though, and I don't want to let go of your hand. Thankfully, you don't either.
"Zabuza..." Your voice echoes in my mind. I feel tears run down my face. But they aren't tears of sorrow. I know that I have made it to the beautiful place with you. I don't know how it is possible, Haku, but I made it. I smile for the first time and you smile back. You pull me along with you and I notice that of all the souls I see, yours shines brightest.
Thank you...Haku. My guardian angel.
Please review. If you review, Haku lives. LOL jks, I wish sob
Nah, but please review. This is my first Naruto fanfic so nothing mean please...