Dear Rachel,
So... I don't really know where to start. You're probably never going to read this. In fact, I don't think that it's ever going to reach you anyway. I don't know how many letters I've written, but this is probably my sixtieth letter or something and I don't know why I keep writing, but probably it's just for me. I need to say all this stuff. When it keeps running through my mind I think I'm going to go crazy. If I try to say it you, I'd probably say the wrong things again like I always do and make you mad. I really don't want to make you mad Rach. But other than you, I think I need this for me too. I can't sleep cause the words just keep going through my head. So I think it's just for my mind and so I can try to sleep. Today would probably be our 2 year anniversary if we never broke up. Yeah Rach, it's June 8, 2012. I remember this day in 2010. I remember we were standing backstage before performing 'Faithfully' and you looked really pretty. What I said had been going through my mind for ages. I knew deep down that's what I felt about you, and I remember the day I realized it.
We were sitting in History class in fourth hour and you marched up to Mrs. Johnson and you were wearing that cute green skirt with the matching sweater that had two giraffes on it. You were dating Jesse this time and we didn't really talk back then and I remember you stomping towards her, asking her why she gave you a B+ when clearly your paper deserved an A. I smiled and watched you get mad her. You looked really adorable mad you know? Your face turns red and your nose scrunches up and you're just really cute and stuff. I got this fluttery feeling in my stomach and for some reason, I just knew. I just knew that it was real between us and I guess I fought for you harder then. Then Jesse broke that egg on your head and broke your heart too. I remember hearing from you and just wanted to punch the asshole's face in. I know you hate it when I curse, but he totally deserved it.
Then we found out that Sue was going to judge Regionals and you were so crushed Rach. You gave in, you knew that we were going to lose and it really hurt me to see you that way. So I told you about it and I wanted you to fight again and you kissed me. It was a surprise, but it was totally the best kiss ever. Then you got your spunk back and we started working towards Regionals again. Regionals came and we did Faithfully and I told you and everything was so good with us. But we lost anyway and I knew I was supposed to feel sad about it, but I couldn't be cause I knew I had you.
Then we started dating and it was really, really awesome. I knew I was lying to you Rach, about Santana I mean. You told me that you didn't sleep with Jesse and I was so scared that if I told you, I'd lose you. But I lost you anyway. It's been a little over a year since you… left me. Actually, one year, two months and one day. I think I finished processing everything you know? I used to lie on my bedroom floor, waiting for your small footsteps to come up and burst through the door and tell me to stop being so dramatic. I'm past that, and I think I've kinda accepted it, knowing that you'll never come back. I'm not completely there yet, but baby steps are good right?
I broke up with Quinn right after you left me. It was for my own good 'cause Quinn and I were only using each other. She was using me for Prom King and I was using her to get over you. But now, I even started sorta seeing this girl. Her name's Katie and she's a junior. She joined Glee club this year and she's nice and stuff and has a great voice, but she's not as great as you. Everyone's telling me that it's a, you know, positive step in getting over you and stuff. She's a nice girl and all, but different. It's really funny, you know. Remember when I told you about muscle memory when you asked me about what we do in practice? That we have to get used to the way me move so our muscles memorize it and stuff? Well I think that it's the same way with people too and when people are together a long time their bodies memorize each other. The way your heart always beat against mine, the way your eyelashes move when you just wake up or the way your fingers slip into mine when I'm playing with the tips of your fingers. When I'm with Katie, Rach, it's just so different. It's like playing a sport for the first time and you have absolutely no idea what to do. It's really scary and she even eats raw peas on a daily basis. Who does that anyway?
People always tell me that I'll find someone else and that there are plenty more fish in the sea but I feel like a fish in a friggin bucket. I started reading a lot. It helps keep my mind off things and my moms been really cool in letting me buy books and stuff. I read non-fiction a lot. I learn something knew from the books, like words you would have used cause they're so big and no one really uses them. I learned something new from a book I finished today. It's called the theory of the multi-verse. It says that there's an infinite amount of hypothetical universes parallel to ours that contain every single possible set of circumstances. I know, it's a lot of words to take in, but you'd probably understand it and I'm really happy that now, I understand it too. But it means that somewhere, there might be a world where on May 7, I never kissed you and you never would have slapped me and I didn't say those things that I didn't mean and you didn't storm out of the gym that prom night. Or maybe there's another world where I chased after you instead of staying and getting the stupid crown for Prom king. Or maybe after you told me about Puck I would have forgiven you and we'd still be together, doing couply stuff like hold hands and you'd still bake me your awesome banana bread.
I drive around Lima a lot, just to you know, get my mind off everything. I pass by your house a lot and I get this weird feeling to just go up there and knock. But then I realize that I'm being stupid and you're not going to answer the door. Actually, I guess you could call it your old house now. You're really far away with your new life and stuff and I keep wondering if you even remember me sometimes. I really wish you'd talk to me, give me some sort of sign or something to tell me that you do remember. 'Cause life is actually pretty shitty right now. I know, I know, don't curse but that's the only way I can describe it. I'm not doing well at all and sometimes I still cry myself to sleep at night thinking of you. But look, I wrote this whole letter without using the L-word. But, the more I think about it, I'd say that I still love you. And I'm kinda scared that I won't ever really stop loving you. I really do hope they're treating you well up there. If they don't appreciate your singing I'll come up their and kick their asses cause they clearly don't know a good thing when they hear it. I really miss you more than ever today and I hope you're happy up there.
Forever yours faithfully,
Finn
Finn folded up the letter and stuffed it into an envelope, sealing the front with a bit of tape before writing 'Rachel' on the front in his scrawly handwriting. He spots something glinting in the corner of his eye and walked towards it. It was her star necklace, the one he had bought for her for Christmas. Her Dads gave it back to him since she really didn't have use for it anymore. He kept it there next to a picture of them from the summer they were dating. He tears his eyes away from the picture because he knew if he didn't he'd probably start crying again. He grabs his jacket and stuffs the letter in it. He tells his mom he's going out and she knows where he's going so she doesn't worry too much about him.
He starts up the car and makes that familiar ten minute drive down her street when finally, he reaches the gate. He walks through and says hi to the gardener, who knows him pretty well since he's here like a lot, even more than her Dads sometimes since they always have a business trip or something and don't really stop here anymore. He makes his way up the familiar pathway until he reaches his destination and stops. He sits down in that familiar place and sets the letter down, next to the other letters he's written. He looks up and he knows she's there.
She's right here, six feet under where he was standing and he wants to stop thinking about it but he just can't.
He looks up and reaches out to touch the headstone and it's engravings.
Rachel Barbara Berry
December 18, 1994 - May 6, 2011
Beloved friend and daughter
He touches that familiar star chiseled next to her name and suddenly the sun shines on him a little and he just knows it's her. She's here with him, cause he can just feel it, kind of like the feeling he felt when he first realized he loved her. He's just sure.
"H-He-" The words get stuck in his throat. This is the first time that he's ever going to try to speak to her. Usually he comes here and just puts another letter down and just sits here and stares at the headstone for an hour or two before deciding that his mom would get worried about him and he needs to go home. But he needs to speak, he needs to tell her. Not through letters, but he needs to hear himself say it.
"H-Hey Rach. I know it's been like a year since I started visiting you and this is the first time I'm going to talk to you but, I guess it was just time you know? I guess the first thing I want to say to you is that I miss you." Finn feels the lump in his throat grow and he chokes up.
"I-I'm going to college next fall in Ohio University. You'd be so proud of me. I got a scholarship there since some scouts watched us and I had dedicated that whole game to you. They were impressed and they want me to play starting quarterback for the Buckeyes." A small silence envelopes the cemetery as the breeze caresses his face softly, giving him a little more strength to go on.
"Kurt really misses you too. I know because he has this picture of the two of you in his room and sometimes I walk in and I see him staring at it. I hear him cry at night too. We won Regionals a few months back and there are so many people who joined Glee now. I know we're going to win Nationals this year. It just feels like our year and the original twelve members of Glee want to make our last year at McKinley special and we want to win that trophy for you."
"I miss you so much baby. I-I wish that I had told you this sooner, but I miss you every single day. I hate that I have to walk into the choir room and know that there's one person missing from us. It's been a year since I last heard your voice and I'm going crazy. I didn't know how much I could possibly miss you until it really sunk it that you were gone." Finn felt his tears well up in the corners of his eyes, but he couldn't stop. He wanted to keep talking.
"I still miss you and I still love you. People keep telling me that I'm going to get over you, but it's been a year and I still can't get over you. I've only kissed Katie once and it was only for two seconds but after I told her I had to go and I went home and I cried. It hit me that I was never going to feel your lips anymore and I just couldn't take it. There are so many times I've felt that I wanted to give up. It's so hard living without you. I don't know how I do it, let alone for a year, but somehow, I did. I kept telling myself that it'd make you proud and I kept pushing through, but I still find it hard that ten years from know I'm still going to be without you. Sometimes I just get through the day thinking that you were there, you were just ignoring me but even that hurt." Finn let the tears pour out by now, letting them flow down like a river.
"I don't know how to do it anymore, Rach. I don't know how to live without you anymore. There are so many things I would have changed about that night. I would have run after you and brought you back to the gym. But no, I didn't and you weren't paying attention and that idiot took you. He took you from your dads, from your friends. He took you from me Rach with his car and I can't stop thinking about it." Finn puts his head in his hands and really cries, like he has been doing all alone every night ever since she died.
"I don't know how to do it and I don't want to do it. I don't want to think of another day where I can't kiss you or hug you or just listen to you talk. I want you back, but we know that's never going to happen and it's killing me baby." Finn looks up at the gravestone and can barely make out the words on the headstone anymore through his tears.
"Please." He croaks, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I just want you back."
Hey guys. I got this story from a little independent movie made by 17 year-old Josh Beattie called Dear Claire. You can search it on youtube. Watch it, it's a beautiful piece of work and provided me a lot of inspiration for this story.
I hope this story made you cry, cause it made certainly made me.
Thanks,
CertifiedGleek