Author: Lena
Title: His
Rating:M
Fandom: Sons Of Anarchy
Disclaimer: I don't own Jax or any other characters from SoA. Any others are my own creations. I make no profit from this.
Pairing: Jackson Teller / Lara Marshall
Author's notes: This takes place after Tara left Charming and before Wendy got Jax. It came to me at 2 a.m. last night, while I was trying to go to sleep, and is the first thing I've ever written (essays and papers for school excluded). Hope you like it. Feedback will be appreciated.
His
It was raining outside. She loved the rain - the sound of the raindrops as they pattered on the window, the paths they made as they oozed down the glass. It calmed her. When she was a little girl it had been with the help of the rain that she'd been able to drown out the sound of her parents screaming. It had been with the help of the rain, the sound of it coming down in torrents, that she'd been able to drown out her own depressing thoughts. But nothing could calm her down tonight.
Lara could feel her heart racing in her chest. Just seeing him did that to her, but now she was lying next to him. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The only difference between tonight and the night before was the rain.
She had been here, in this exact same position, yesterday. And there was no doubt in her mind where she'd be tomorrow.
Her eyes went to him as he moved, swinging his strong arm around her waist, drawing her closer. She's been in love with him since school, but he never knew. Even if he did it wouldn't have mattered - he was taken. Jackson Teller had been, and still was, the most desirable man in Charming. Years ago he had belonged to Tara Knowles, but not anymore.
Even though his heart was still with Tara, Lara Marshall was the one sharing his bed. He might not love her, but she would take whatever she could get. Whatever he would give her.
The brunette could still feel his touch - scorching her, igniting her skin. His kisses - one minute gentle, hot and burning the next. She pretended it was her he was thinking of. She pretended it was her that Jax was making love to and some nights it worked. Some nights were really perfect.
Tonight wasn't one of those. He was still gentle, he still loved her, but there was one moment that ruined it all. That one name that slipped through his lips. That one instant almost killed her.
"Tara."
It wasn't often he got so lost in himself that he whispered that name. Yet, it had happened before. She should have been used to it. At the time he said it she managed to numb the pain in her heart. The only acknowledgement of hearing it Lara gave was the tight shutting of her eyes. The thoughts that went through her mind were bitter and, unfortunately, familiar.
Close enough.
But it was over now. Jax was asleep and the rain couldn't distract her.
She propped herself up on her elbow and fixed her gaze on his sleeping form. Her black eyes traced the contours of his face and neck and then moved down to his muscular back. He always looked so peaceful while sleeping, like there was nothing burdening him.
She brushed a tear from her eye and leaned down to place a kiss on his shoulder. The nights he called her Tara always went like this. They should be different - she shouldn't cry, she shouldn't curse him. Lara knew better.
At first she had thought she could make him love her. She had thought that he'll be with her, really be with her. That he'd take her out and spend time with her. She'd learned quick. He only wanted her at night, when the parties were over, so he wouldn't be alone. So he wouldn't have to endure the silence and the memories of Tara that would plague his mind. Not that he would ever be left alone at night, even if she found the strength to stop coming to him.
When she had woken up the morning after she slept with him for the first time he had let her kiss him. He had let her be happy for a moment and then he had crushed her.
"We had fun last night but I don't want a girlfriend, darlin'. You should get dressed and go."
She had done so, promising herself to be strong, not to let him walk over her like that again. Then night had come and Lara had gone out with her friends. He had been the first thing she had spotted when she had surveyed the bar. The next thing she knew he had been telling her she was beautiful, kissing her. They had ended up together again. And again the next night and again after that, until it became a routine.
She knew she should stop coming to him. She knew she should stop letting him charm her. The only problem was that she couldn't. She loved him too much.
That was all it came down to - she loved him and he didn't feel anything for her. Jax only had need for her body and every night like this one she cried and watched him and always came to the same conclusion.
If that was the only thing he was willing to give her she would take it. She would go against everything she believed in and give him what he wanted, what he needed - someone to call Tara. Because deep down she knew she wasn't the only one pretending, he was doing it too. If he needed her to be his ex-girlfriend, she would do it for him.
Lara moved next to him, snuggling closer as sleep claimed her. In her mind she could already hear the words he would say in the morning.
"Wake up, darlin'. It's time for you to go."
And she'd go - no questions asked, no words of endearment said, no expectations for something more.
But they both knew she'd be back the next night - in the clubhouse, in his bed, in his arms.. Beneath him and above him - trying to get closer, trying to get in. Because, even though it wouldn't be her name that he'd whisper, she could pretend. She would pretend and she would love him. Even if he couldn't offer her the same, even if he didn't want to.
And even if he couldn't really be hers and he didn't want her.. she would always be his.