Summary: Rachel is still reeling from the heartbreaking reality that she will never get her happily ever after with Finn. She realizes she can't take the pain that Lima is causing her and heads back to New York City. Upon returning, she may just find the greatest reason to wake up every day. And that maybe she won't have to say goodbye to his beautiful soul after all, that miracles really do exist. Can she handle a life without Finn? Or is her grief too much to handle? And just when she settles into what her life has become, a twist of fate might just make Rachel question everything in her life.
A/ N: Also, there will be a slight crossover with the ABC soap opera General Hospital later in the story! Enjoy the journey!
Chapter 1: Anywhere but here
Rachel's POV
Nobody ever prepares you for what life will throw at you. One day you're fine, dreaming of what the future will bring. And the next...everything is shattered. That's just what I've been going through lately. After I lost...the only man I'll ever love. Finn Hudson was a rare, one of a kind man. There was and never will be anyone kinder, more generous or as open hearted as Finn was. He was my other half. He was the one person who loved me inspite of everything I am. I'm selfish, high maintence, and dramatic most of the time. But for whatever reason, Finn loved me anyway. He had this incredible talent of dealing with all of my craziness. He could bring me back down to earth when I was losing myself. It was the one constant thing in my life, that kept me going every single day. And now...I just feel like I don't know who I am. There is absolutely no way to describe how it feels to lose the love of your life. How I know I'll never hear his voice or see his smile ever again. And right now I just feel like I can't breathe and I'm falling into this darkness I don't know if I'll ever come out of.
I wake up every morning, reliving this nightmare over and over again. There are so many times where I feel like this is just some bad dream and he's just gonna walk through the door. But every day that passes by...I know that's not true. He will never come back home to me. He'll never sing to me or tell me he loves me ever again. All I'm here left with are his memories. Nearly four amazing years worth of memories that we were able to share together. They weren't always perfect. At times they were difficult and a little dysfunctional. But they were ours. They were times I wouldn't trade for anything. Except maybe to spend one more day with turn back the clock and change our ending. Go back to last spring when things were amazing. We were celebrating our championship and graduation. And we should have been celebrating our marriage too. If I had stayed, if I never got on that train...I would be Rachel Hudson right now. And maybe, just maybe...Finn would still be alive. And if not, at least we could have had a few great months together. As husband and wife, the way it was supposed to be. Instead, we spent the last couple of months in complete turmoil. He died without me as his wife. He died with a broken heart. And I can't help but feel guilty about all of it. I can't help but wish I could talk to him one more time. Just to tell him...that I love you. And that I'll miss you. Just to say goodbye.
On top of dealing with all of this guilt I'm carrying around, I feel like I am under this microscope from everyone in my life. Everybody just keeps watching my every move, waiting for me to have a complete breakdown. Santana, Kurt, Mr. Shue, My dads...they just want me to talk about what happened. They want to know what I'm thinking...what I'm feeling. But they could never understand or imagine what I am holding inside of me. I can't go back to my life the way it was a month ago. It's not possible and it never will be. And everyone that is pushing me and trying to help me...really they're just making things worse. They can't fix this hole inside me. The part of my heart that will forever be missing. And because of that, I've resorted to pretty much shutting everybody out. I've really been trying to keep to myself. It's been good to have this time to just talk to Finn. To say everything I never got a chance to say.
I know he's listening, so I keep talking. Telling him how much I need him and how much I love him. How this isn't the way we were supposed to end. We were supposed to find our way back to each other, and be together for the rest of our lives. The last time I saw him, I was so certain that was the truth. It's been nearly three months since I saw his face last. I talked to him a lot on the phone, but I never did get a chance to see him in person one last time. I wish he would've stayed in New York and told me himself all about who Brody really was. Although, I am happy that one of my last memories is of him defending my honor. Defending our love. I think I'll always keep that close to my heart. I just wish I had been able to really thank him...for everything. I wish I had never left him after that wedding without saying goodbye. If I had just laid there safe in his arms. Feeling the strong,everlasting love between us. Now that's all gone and I'm left with nothing but regret.
"Rachel?" My dads knock lightly on my door, interupting my thoughts. "How are you today?" They don't take my silence as a hint that I want to be left alone. They walk into my childhood bedroom, taking a seat next to me. "This house has been quite empty...and quiet these last few months. It feels good to see you in this room again."
"I never should left in the first place. Then, everything would be exactly the way it's supposed to be." I say, my voice cracking from the pain in my heart.
"You don't know that, Rachel. What would have happened if you didn't go to New York?"
"I would have married Finn. I woud be his wife. And we'd be together right now. He would still be alive."
"You don't know that, sweetie."
"You're right! I don't know anything anymore! I don't know who I am without Finn! I don't know how I am supposed to wake up every day! I don't even know how to breathe!" I yell, exploding for the first time. Breaking down, sliding to the ground hysterical.
"Rachel..." My dads come towards me, looking to console me.
"No! Just leave! Please...just go!"
"I can't stand to see you like this, Rachel. We love you. We just don't know how to help you."
"You can't! Nobody can." I cried, hoping the would finally leave.
"Maybe I can." A voice says, coming from the doorway.
"Carole? What are you doing here?"
"Sorry...no one answered the door. I hope it's okay I'm here."
"Of course it is. We'll leave you two alone." My dads said, getting up and leaving.
"I know what you're going through, Rachel."
"You're the only one that does."
"Not only losing Finn. But...everything just brings back the memories and feelings of me losing his father too."
"Right, so you know exactly what I'm feeling then."
"I do. But I'm here to tell you, Rachel...you can't push everyone in your life away. Your dads love you. They care about you more than anything. They don't want to see you hurting. No parent does."
"But you're hurting too, Carole. Why would come see me? Doesn't it make it worse?"
"No. Actually it helps to see your face. I've missed it. You are the closest thing I've ever had to a daughter, Rachel."
"And your the closest thing to a real mom I've ever had."
"I always thought one day you really would be."
"Me too."
"Finn...he loved you more than anything in this entire world. He would have done or given anything for you. And you know, that always made me worry about him. That he loved almost too much, that he didn't take care of himself."
"I didn't deserve his love. I wasn't worthy of a man that great."
"You could've never told him that. His love for you could never waver. Not for a second."
"I don't know about that. I put him through hell this past year."
"That didn't matter to Finn. You know, before he left for college he told me he was going to come back a complete man. He was going to have everything he needed to be happy...successful. And I told him that a career of any kind can't guarantee that. And you know what he said? He said, 'No mom, not my career. That will work out or it won't. I'm going come back here with my fiance...I'm going to get Rachel back. I give you my word on that. That's the only thing that will ever guarantee me happiess. She is all that I need...and she's all that I want. And everything else in between will fall into place'. And that made me worry so much about him. But that determination and certainty in his eyes...I knew I couldn't change his mind. And he said, 'Don't worry about me, Mom. I'm gonna make you proud of me. I'm gonna be the man you raised me to be. I'm gonna bring my wife home. We're meant to be. I know know that and she does too. That's all that matters. And it's all going to be okay, mom." Carole tells me, with tears streaming down her face.
"The last time I saw him, face to face...it was Will and Emma's non wedding. And you know, for one night it was like I never left for New York. That we were still the old Rachel and Finn. Perfectly in unison...not broken. And one of the last things he said to me that night was that we were gonna be together in the end. It was like written in the stars or something. I knew he was right...and he knew I did too."
"You know, he did seem a lot happier after that wedding. I just never really knew why. Considering it didn't end well."
"I just wish I had stayed in his arms for five more minutes. Instead...I ran away back to New York to avoid confronting my feelings. But you have to know, Carole...I loved your son. He was my everything. My soulmate. And now I don't know what to do or how to breathe anymore." I confess, collapsing into her arms. And we both just sob uncontrollably.
"One day, you're gonna find a reason to get up every morning. And live again, Rachel."
"I don't know how that's possible. I'm missing a part of my soul."
"I know. I know. Which is why I've been wrestling with telling you the truth...about the day he died. But I think you deserve it, Rachel."
"What are you talking about?"
"I don't wanna make things worse for you. But Finn, his accident...he didn't die in Ohio. He died in New York. He was on his way to see you. He told me he was going and I hated that he was traveling so far by himself. But he said he needed to see you...to congratulate you on getting that part on Broadway. He was so proud of you, Rachel. So, he got in his car and he headed for you. He just never got there."
"Oh my god, this is all my fault."
"No. Not, it's not. You didn't cause that accident."
"Maybe not. But I'm the reason he was on the road in the first place."
"Rachel...he was coming to see you because he loved you. He would have given anything for you."
"And he did...his life. How can I ever be okay with that?"
"You can't be. And you won't be. But the last thing he was thinking about was...you. And how much you meant to him. How much he loved you, uncondionally. That's what you have to remember."
"Thank you, Carole. For telling me the truth."
"Are you heading back to New York?"
"I think I have to. Being back here just keeps reminding me of him at every turn. Everything that I lost."
"I know. But don't be a stranger, Rachel. You will always be my daughter." Carole said, giving me one last hug and heading to the door.
"How do you do it?"
"What, sweatheart?"
"Get up every day. Keep going."
"I don't know. Finn, I guess. I can feel him. And I know he is giving me the little bit of strength I have every day. He'll do the same for you."
"I hope you're right."
Finn was coming to see me. I'm the reason he's dead. God, why'd he have to do that? Why'd he have to get in the car that day? Because he loved me and he wanted me to know it. To know the kind of dedication he still possessed for me. That he would drive hundreds of miles just so I would know he was proud of me. I can't help but imagine what would've happened if he made it to New York? Would we be out enjoying the city right now together? Be back where we belong, in each other's arms? I can't help but dream of what could have been. But that's not really helping anything right now. I needed to get out of Lima. I needed to get away from the pain of all the memories at every turn. I grabbed everything I had scattered across my bed, pictures, gifts he had given me, every memory I had left of Finn in this room, and threw them into the suitcase that was lying on the floor beside my bed. I zipped it, grabbed my jacket, and headed for the door. I walked down the stairs to where my dads were pacing the living room.
"Dads?"
"Sweatheart, you finally came down. Were so glad to see you out of that room."
"I'm going back to New York."
"Are you sure you're ready to go back so soon?"
"I know you don't understand or know what I'm going going through. But I can't stay in Lima any longer. I just..see his face everywhere. And I probably will back home too, but being here is too painful. I'm sorry. I know you want to help me but I can't be helped right now. Nobody can fill this void I have in my heart and in my soul. And I just...need to go. I love you, guys. But I need to do this on my own...in my own time."
"We understand, Rachel. We love you. And the second you think you need us, we'll be there in a heartbeat."
"Okay. Thank you...for everything. I need to go now."
On that note, I walked out the door with tears streaming down my face. Not knowing what I was gonna do next or how I'd do it by myself. But I knew there were things I needed to take care of back in New York. Things I've been avoiding for too long. Things that the pain of losing Finn took a backseat to...and didn't seem so important anymore.
[New York City - 5 hours later]
Walking back into that loft made my chest hurt and fresh tears to come flowing down my face. Being back here made me feel like all this was real. That moving forward...and figuring out how to live without Finn started now. I put my suitcase down and walked over to the table and picked up the pile of mail that stacked up over the past few weeks. Bills, a lot of sympathy cards from family and friends. Like a card could make anything better. Suddenly, an envelope caught my eye. One I didn't even remember I was waiting for before all this happened. I ripped open the letter and scanned the contents. I couldn't believe my eyes. And for the first time since Finn died...I felt something other than pain.
"Rach? You're back. I thought you'd stay in Lima a little longer." Kurt surprised me, coming out of the bedroom.
"No, I couldn't stay there longer. It was too hard."
"I know what you mean. That's why I'm here too. You alright?"
"Yeah. Yeah, for the first time in weeks...i'm okay."
"Wait, are you almost...smiling? What's happening here?"
"Yeah, I think I almost am."
"What going on?"
"I need to tell you something, Kurt. Something I haven't told anyone. Well, technically Santana but then I lied to her about it. So, that doesn't really count I guess."
"You're kinda freaking me out, Rachel. More than usual. What's going on?"
"Okay, Well Kurt...since you're Finn's brother and all, and my best friend...you should be the first to know."
"Know what exactly?"
"I'm pregnant, Kurt...with Finn's baby."