Daria looked down at her left finger finger and shook her head. Was this really what she wanted? She had been so sure when she had said yes. After seven years together, it was what was expected. Tom was the perfect man for her, everything a girl could want. They had seen each other through some really hard times, the death of his father and losing the baby after their accidental pregnancy junior year of college. He had loved her thoroughly, completely, unconditionally through it all. She owed him this much after that. Maybe it was finally her turn to suck it up and make a sacrifice for him.
Of course, she had kept this mostly to herself before finally confiding it in Jane. Her best friend had been reliably supportive, reminding her that she had a spacious loft in Soho where Daria could seek refuge if she decided to leave. But then the wedding invitations had been mailed out by Tom's mother and most of Manhattan society was made of the official date and the photographer from the Times came by the brownstone to snap their picture for the Sunday edition. She could do this. She had to do this.
Helen smiled proudly at her daughter as she helped her arrange her veil. Daria hadn't wanted a traditional wedding but Tom's mother had insisted. It was what was expected of the Sloanes, and after his father had died, Tom had conformed to upholding the family name. Gone was his independent streak, his beater of a car and philosophy major. He had immediately changed to the Law program and accepted an internship with a prestigious firm ran by an old fraternity brother of his father's. His mom had helped him find the job and then one for Daria with a small publishing firm in the Village. Sloanes watched out for Sloanes, his mother had assured her then, and she was about to become one of them.
The glint of her ring caught her eye again, making Daria lose all breath. She asked her mother for a moment alone to finish getting ready. She would be married in less than an hour and just needed a moment to mourn the end of her singledom. She also needed a second to catch her breath, to make herself stop thinking of him and convince herself that she really did love only Tom and that this wasn't just some cruel unending nightmare of a dream.
When Helen shut the door behind her with a soft click, Daria reached behind her back and drew her zipper down. She wasn't going to take off the dress entirely. She just needed a little room to move around and breathe. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, not at all recognizing the overly madeup woman staring back at her.
"What would you think if you could see me now?" she wandered aloud to herself, holding a one-sided conversation with the man she had tried so hard to forget. "Oh, Trent, what am I doing? I thought you would come by now. I'm trying to be strong but I thought you would be here."
Daria thought about when she had mailed out the invitation to Jane's brother and her one-time lover. They had shared three wonderful, complicated, devastating, fulfilling, heartbreaking months together after she had lost the baby, Tom's baby. Daria had just wanted to act out then, and running off to Los Angeles had seemed exactly the fit. It had been out of character for her and pretty much everyone had told her so. After spending years as the sarcastic but witty sidekick, she just wanted to be numb. It hurt so much to think about the daughter she had lost, so she had kissed Tom farewell at their apartment without waking him and up and headed to the West Coast without a single word. The silence would last an entire summer.
She had a wonderful summer with Trent. He had written songs in the mornings, which sometimes came in the afternoon, while she would write. His apartment was tiny and cramped, but there was amazing natural sunlight. They had eaten food from a cheap French bistro around the corner and drank coffee from a Colombian place downstairs and drank Italian wine Trent sometimes got from one of his bandmates who worked at a restaurant. She was carefree and happy, two things she hadn't ever really been in her entire life. She smiled and made herself that she didn't feel a thing. It worked for awhile until it didn't anymore. When September came and the leaves started to fall back in Lawndale, her mother had called to let her know that Tom's father had died and Daria had caught the next flight back to New York without saying goodbye to Trent.
For her part, Jane never said anything to Daria about that lost summer. She didn't really mention Trent at all, in fact, just bits and pieces here and there whenever he was in the media. She let Daria keep the pretty little picture of society life in her head that Tom's mother had painted as soon as they had announced their engagement. Daria secretly kind of hated her a little bit for never saying anything. She had taken one straight to the heart, something not easy to deal with, and Jane owed it to her best friend to scream.
"Hey, Daria," Jane announced from the doorway. "I just wanted to come by and wish you good luck. I know your mom said you wanted a minute alone but I thought I'd check in. How you holding up?"
Daria pointed to her dress and shrugged. "Can you believe this thing?"
Jane chuckled and shook her head. "I can't really believe any of this," she admitted as she looked at Daria's reflection in the mirror. "Hey, Daria. I just wanted to tell you, whatever you need...I'll be supportive of anything you need as long as we're still friends. You know that, right?"
Tears prickled Daria's eyes, causing her contacts to itch a little. Jane looked at her best friend in awe. Gone was the gawky, awkward teenager who she had met in self-esteem class. She had been replaced with a refined, educated woman who would soon be a wife. Jane wanted to offer to help her run away again. She still couldn't help but feel this was all wrong. However, after the last time she had offered and Daria had gotten mad, she refused to say anything. If this was what Daria wanted, Jane was going to keep her mouth shut, wear the scarlet red bridesmaid dress and watch her best friend get married.
After Jane had left, Daria turned back to the mirror and started to put herself back together. She readjusted her veil and reapplied her mascara and reblotted her lipstick and rezipped her dress. She looked perfect, exactly as a bride should look on her wedding day. She was everything that Tom wanted her to be and most of the things she wanted for herself. She could do this, she reminded herself. She could do this.
"Daria." The bride turned and looked over at her shoulder at her sister. Quinn was older now and they had become much closer since they had shared a bathroom in high school. They were actually friends, and Daria told her sister quite a lot. "Mom wanted me to check on you." She was quiet for a moment before she watched her sister's smile falter. "Oh, Daria. It's alright."
Quinn shut the door behind her before coming over to fold her older sister in her arms. Daria sobbed silently for a moment, letting all the stresses of the wedding and Trent and life roll off her in waves. "You don't have to go through with this if you don't want to," she whispered. "I'll do whatever you need. I know you love Tom, but if you still want Trent..." Her voice trailed off. She loved Tom like a brother, but Daria's happiness meant more to her than anything. "Whatever you want, you've got my support."
Daria let go of her sister and then went over to the corner to retrieve something from the canvas bag she'd brought with her to the church. She handed her sister a copy of a tattered music magazine. "That smile," she said, pointing to the cover, "has nothing to do with me." Trent smirked up at Quinn from the cover. "I'm not the one he sings to sleep. If he wanted to be with me, he would have been here. He knows that I'm getting married. I've been praying for direction, trying to figure out what to do. This, this wedding, it's what I have to do."
Quinn wanted to rip the magazine into a thousand pictures and burn them in the fireplace blazing in the bridal dressing room but knew that she couldn't. Instead, she slid it back into the bag and reached for Daria's hand so that she could lead her over to the vanity to sit. Picking up a brush, she started to pull it through her sister's auburn tresses. Once upon a time, when they were very small, before Daria had become a smartass and Quinn had become superficial, they used to take turns brushing each other's hair. She hadn't done it in years, not even after things had gotten better between them.
"You know that you don't have to do anything."
"I owe Tom..."
"You owe Tom the truth. Do you want to marry him?"
Daria looked down at her hands. "I don't know how to answer that."
"Don't know how or don't want to?"
She scowled at her sister. "It's not that easy."
"Okay, let's try this one. Do you love Trent?" A look of guilt passed by in Daria's dark eyes. "No one knows you like I do, Daria. It's okay, you don't have to tell me."
Daria bit her bottom lip resolutely before looking Quinn fully in the eyes. "I don't love Trent. I love Tom," she retorted confidently. "I want to marry him. I'm going to marry him."
Quinn knew that she could and probably should argue with her sister some more but it was evident that Daria wasn't going to change her mind. "O-kay," she drew out, setting the brush back down. "I guess that's it then. I'll see you up there, huh?"
"Yeah," Daria smiled, both of them knowing it was fake. Daria stood up and hugged her sister before following her out to the hallway where her parents and Jane were waiting. Helen kissed her daughter on the cheek before taking the arm of Tom's cousin who was serving as an usher. Classical music filled the air.
"I guess that's our cue, Daria," Jake announced. Daria nodded dutifully as her best friend and sister filed out ahead of them. She looped her arm through her father's and headed toward the back of the cathedral. She could see a full house filling the sanctuary and Tom looking so dapper in his suit at the front of the alter. "I'm so proud of you, honey." She smiled at her father's sentiment and allowed him to kiss her cheek. "I love you, Daria."
"I love you, too, Dad," she whispered back as the entire congregation rose to their feet.
Taking it one step at a time, Daria and Jake made their way to the front of the church. The crowd passed her by in a blur as she smiled first at Tom's mother and then her own, followed by Quinn and then Jane. Finally, she met Tom's watery gaze and mustered a happy smile, one he returned with bravado and pleasure. Jake lifted her veil to kiss her cheek again before giving her away to Tom. Daria could only keep herself together as Tom slid his hand into hers. Jane and Quinn exchanged a knowing glance, both still shocked that she was going through with it. Daria once again had to remind herself that owed this much to Tom.
Oh, well, she thought as she said, "I do." Oh, well.