***This is just a story I've been kicking around in my brain for a few days and decided to write it. I don't own the Cullens. Just curious how Bella and the Cullens would react if she 'slipped'. Hope you enjoy! ***
What have I done?
I agonized over my actions as I wandered aimlessly through the streets of Buffalo. It was a relatively cool day so I wore a white jacket over my green sweater and jeans. Not that I was cold of course, but it might have caused some funny stares if I walked around in 40 degree weather in a t-shirt. I got enough stares from people in awe over my beauty. And I wasn't exactly in the mood to be watched.
How could I be so careless?
I knew Edward was probably asking himself the same question, since he was close by when it happened, but was unable to prevent this disaster. But I didn't blame him. After all, I'm the one who did it. Who committed the atrocity. Who-I finally brought myself to say it…
Who killed someone.
Due to my inability to cry, I remained dry eyed but miserable as I went over the day's events in my head. If only I hadn't been hunting—if only they hadn't been hiking—if only-
After it happened, Edward and I went home where our whole family was already waiting in the living room to greet us. They knew what had happened as Alice had seen it the moment my decision was made. I didn't particularly want to go home afterwards. I was afraid to see the censure in their eyes. But when we walked in the house, Esme greeted me with open arms. I ran to her and immediately began weeping on her shoulder. "I'm so sorry!" I cried as she ran her hand over my hair.
"It's okay, sweetie," her voice soothed. Alice stepped up behind me and threw her arms around my waist, trying to comfort me.
Edward stood behind us, helpless to stop my agony. "Jasper." It was a simple request, spoken to his brother who stood nearby, stoic as always.
Almost immediately, I felt a calm sweep over me. I usually welcomed the pleasant emotions that my brother-in-law could instill in me, but I fought it this time. "No!" I shouted, tearing myself from Esme's grasp and glaring at Jasper. "I don't deserve to feel at peace right now!" Jasper's lips tightened in disagreement, but he focused his gold eyes on my now muddy red ones and the peaceful feelings disappeared at once.
"Bella," Edward reached for me. I pulled away from him, looking at my shoes, the floor, the ceiling...anywhere but into his beloved face.
"I think I just need to be alone right now," I whispered miserably. I wouldn't look at him, didn't want to see how much my words hurt him. But I had to sort this out by myself. I didn't need or want anyone else's help. I looked at the others and took in their expressions. Rose looked at me with disdain, Emmett with simple acceptance. Carlisle looked concerned. For my mental sanity or for the poor hikers I had killed, I wasn't really sure. Alice and Esme looked sad, knowing how much this had hurt me. Jasper was—well, I could never really tell what he was thinking-but he looked almost smug! Like he was just glad to be stronger than someone, even if it was just this once. Even if it was over his own sister. Almost as if he knew that I had guessed what he was thinking, his expression quickly turned to guilt.
I turned to look at my husband. Edward looked haunted with severe dark circles beneath his black eyes. I realized then, that he had never had a chance to hunt before we were forced to return. I could tell that he very much wanted to read my mind at that moment, but I wasn't about to let him in right now. He didn't need to hear my thoughts over this matter. He felt bad enough as it was.
Carlisle placed a hand on my shoulder. "Bella, what happened wasn't your fault." His words had no effect on my current mood, but I didn't pull away from him. His forgiveness actually meant more to me than anyone else's since he was so against violence of any kind. I didn't deserve to be in such a good family if I couldn't control myself.
I looked into Carlisle's compassionate face. "I'm sorry, Carlisle, but I need to go to my room." He removed his hand and I trudged up the stairs, aware of my family staring at my back. When I got to our bedroom, I flopped on the bed and lay there for a moment, merely staring at the ceiling. I could hear them talking downstairs.
"It wasn't her fault, Carlisle!" Edward shouted an answer to an unasked question.
"I never said it was, Edward," came the reply. "I'm merely stating that perhaps you two should go up to Denali for a while. Get away from humans so she can become herself again."
"It's not a bad idea, Edward. It worked for Jazz after – " this was from Alice. I knew what she was going to say to finish that sentence. After he tried to kill Bella at her birthday party. I knew they both still felt bad about that one.
"I won't have her thinking that you're trying to get rid of her! And Jasper, if you don't stop rejoicing that you're not the only one with discipline problems, I will personally pound you into dust. She slipped up. It happens to the best of us!"
"But we can't have our cover blown either," Rosalie protested. Even after all we had shared with Renesmee, my sister-in-law still didn't care for me all that much. Renesmee, my heart ached to think the name. I missed her so much! But she had desperately wanted to go to college this year, and so was living back in Seattle. My only comfort was that she was sharing an apartment with Jake, so at least I knew that she would be safe. My wonderful eighteen year old daughter, so beautiful and so adult already! How could I tell her this? Would she think less of me?
I could picture the hikers in my mind. They were both men, college age maybe. They were both very tall, one Emmett's height, the other a little shorter. One had red hair and the other dark. That reminded me of Jacob with his skin tone. They were both startled to see me appear out of the woods in front of them. Before they could think, I had destroyed them both. Edward showed up just in time to see me drop the second one, his blood still visible on my lips.
"Edward, don't make me have to hurt you." Emmett's voice boomed up the stairs, bringing me back to the present. I could picture the scene downstairs…Edward charging Rose for her callous comments and my big lovable brother-in-law having to get in the middle. It wouldn't have been the first time! And yet I hated to be the reason for their discord.
"Perhaps Jasper could speak with her?" Esme spoke softly. I could hear Edward growl at the idea.
"Edward, you know he loves Bella and doesn't want to see her weak like this. And he really does know better than anyone what this is like." Alice's sweet voice drifted up to me.
Silence followed. I was pretty sure that Jasper didn't particularly want to get involved, but if Alice asked him, then he would. I heard soft footsteps coming up the stairs and I flung myself onto my stomach, a pillow over my head.
"Bella?" Jasper's soft southern drawl came from the door. "May I come in?"
"No," I cried, my voice muffled by the mattress.
The door clicked open anyway and I could hear his boots pad across the hardwood floor. The mattress dipped as he sat down next to me. I didn't remove the pillow and he didn't ask me to. He merely sat quietly for several minutes, waiting for me to make the first move. That was one thing I had always liked about Jasper. He never forced opinions or advice on me. Finally, the silence got to me. "What?" I asked in an irritated tone.
"You're not the first vampire that this has ever happened to, you know," he spoke. "We've all—slipped up—once or twice."
"Once or twice?" I removed the pillow and cocked an eyebrow at him.
He smiled wryly. "Well, okay, one or two—thousand times. But the point is, you're a vampire, Bella. This sort of stuff happens. It's not your fault."
I stared down at my hands. "But those people—"
"Are gone, yes," Jasper finished. "But now you know how horrible it feels to take a human life, right?" At my nod, he continued. "So now you know enough not to do it again, right?"
"I knew that before I killed them, Jasper," I growled.
"Yes, but now you've felt it. It's not such a temptation when you know how horrible you feel afterwards." He wasn't watching me anymore and I knew he was remembering his horrible life in the southern covens when he would feed on humans all the time.
I sighed and sat up. "I guess."
"So don't beat yourself up over this okay? It was a slip. An accident. And I am sorry about—well, for what I was thinking before." He stood and began walking for the door.
"Jazz?"
"Yes?"
"When I will stop hearing their screams in my head?"
He turned away, raking a hand through his curly blond hair. "I haven't figured that
out yet." He let himself out of the room and I watched the door as it closed.
I sat in silence for a few more minutes before Edward walked in the room. "Bella, love? Can I come in?"
Feeling guilty for pulling away from him downstairs, I gestured for him to sit next to me on the bed. He sat, his beautiful golden eyes watching me in concern. "Bella, I hate to see you like this. You need to realize that this was—"
"An accident, I know," I said quickly. I hated that they were all so matter-of-fact about this. But I understood why they did it. They all cared about me and wanted me to feel better. But it wasn't that easy for me! Why couldn't they just understand that! I turned blazing eyes to my husband. "But they were people, Edward! I killed them, and they have lives and families and I ended all of—" I broke off as sobs welled in my throat.
Edward pulled me towards him, his arms wrapping around me. "Sssh, Bella, love, it's all right," he soothed.
"No!" I shouted, pushing him away. "Would you all stop saying that? It's not all right! I killed two people! If I was still human, they would fry me for that!" Ignoring his protests, I ran for the door and wrenched it open. I stomped down the stairs and past everyone in the living room. He followed closely behind me.
"Bella, what—" Alice started, but stopped immediately at my glare. Jasper picked up on my anger and edged closer to Alice in case I lost my temper.
I bristled at the implication and narrowed my eyes at him. "I may have killed a few humans," I spat, "but I'm not going to attack my best friend. Try and give me a little more credit."
"Bella, calm down," Carlisle approached me, his hands out in front of him.
"I won't calm down!" I shouted, surprising even myself. I never dreamt that I would ever lose my temper with Carlisle of all people. But I was on a roll now. "Why can't you all just realize that I need to be alone right now!" I turned away from them all and headed out the front door, stopping long enough to grab my jacket. I was surprised that no one stopped me.
I burst into a sprint, not stopping until I reached the Buffalo city limits. There I finally slowed, deciding to walk around the park. And that was where I still found myself hours later, sitting on a bench.
I'm a monster. I don't deserve to be here anymore.
The sudden thought surprised me. I had never considered myself a suicidal person, but for the first time in my life, I regretted the decision I had made to be an immortal. Not for being with Edward, no, I would never regret that. He was my only true love. But to be a blood drinker. This was a much harder life than I had ever imagined.
It was times like these that I truly missed Jake. He had always been the only one who I never had to hide anything from. I knew Edward wished he could have been that person, but even with him there were some things that I didn't like to talk about. Unfortunately we had to leave Forks a few years ago, as we were all just starting to look too young to play our supposed ages anymore. So we had to pack up and move, our destination being Buffalo, another very cloudy, gloomy city. Jacob had come with us of course, to be close to Renesmee. But when she decided to go to college last year, he had faithfully followed her back. They were physically the same age now, but I refused to use the word 'dating' as that implied that they –ugh – I didn't want to think about it.
I sighed, burrowing my hands in my jacket pockets and slumping down on the bench. I stayed like that for several hours, content to watch people mill about, their minds totally preoccupied with other business. I watched as an elderly couple walked towards me, clutching each other's hands tightly. As they came closer, the husband looked into his wife's eyes and I saw such love there that I felt it necessary to look away as it was their private time.
In that moment, I realized that that was the love I had with Edward. I knew we would never grow old like this couple, but the love was the same. But we were lucky. Death would never separate us. We would never have to worry about disease or an accident. We would be able to work through everything, and I would be able to work through this. But I couldn't go through this alone. I needed Edward to help me deal with this. As I reached my epiphany, I smiled, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from my chest.
"Bella?" Edward approached me cautiously, as if preparing himself for my eventual flight.
"Hi Edward." I was calmer now, finally coming to terms with what I had done.
He held out his hand. "Are you ready to go home now? Alice and Esme are worried about you."
I stared at the beloved hand, remembering all of the times it had loved and caressed me. Slipping my hand into his, I let him pull me to my feet. I looked into his eyes and his gaze filled me with such love that I knew—finally—that everything was truly going to be okay.
*****THE END*****
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