Author's note: Because I'm clearly insane, here's another fanfic, though finally not a bleach one. I'm not abandoning my other two active ones, but I've hit a mental roadblock, so this is a nice way to keep writing. I hope you enjoy, even if the premise is quite... bizarre.

Language note: Everyone speaks English. Everyone spoke Japanese in Stardust Crusaders, so everyone speaks English here. Trust me, it's easier that way.

"Look, it's real simple. You give us your wallet, nobody gets hurt."

Mario glanced at the thugs surrounding him. "I'm sure you don't want things to get ou of hand, so how about we just go our separate ways?"

He lead thug chuckled. "Sure thing overalls, just hand over the wallet and we're out of your hair."

"Sorry," he said, patting his pocket, "but I kind of need it. I'm sure there's something better you could be doing right now."

"Not asking again," their leader snarled, "wallet, or me and my friends here ruin your day."

He looked at the assembled goons, a half dozen in total. "Then we have a problem, because I'm quite attached to my coins."

"That is a problem. Alright boys, get 'im!" Immediately one of the men charged forward, getting ready to throw a punch.

Needless to say, he was quite surprised to find himself tumbling head over heels, the humble plumber having tossed his attacker over his shoulder, using his momentum against him. Face met concrete with a crunch, and then there were five.

Four of them gathered around Mario, getting ready to simply overwhelm him with numbers. This time, Mario threw the first punch, sending a thug reeling as another ran up to clobber him. With practiced ease, Mario leapt over his attacker, using his weight to slam the man to the ground. The other two came at once, but Mario ducked under their punches, swiping their legs out from under them.

However, he didn't notice the leader charging at him, bat in hand. Right before it connect, however, something happened that both men struggled to rationalize.

Burning vines wrapped around the bat, engulfing it in flames. The head thug dropped it in an instant, spouting vague threats as he ran away. Mario, on the other hand, immediately dropped to the ground, trying to put himself out, before realizing… he wasn't burned. The flames hadn't even touched him! Cautiously, he ran a hand down his back, pulling back the instant it touched plant. There was no doubt about it, the vines had come out of his back. One thing was sure:

He was going to need a hand.

"Mario Brothers Plumbing, this is Luigi speaking… He's not actually here right now, but I'm sure I can help… Of course, I'll tell him you called… have a nice day." He hung up the phone with a sigh. Business hadn't been going so well lately, but they still made ends meet. One thing he would never get over was the fact that only half the customers were even willing to talk to him. They had kept their father's name for the business, even if they were now the Brothers instead of the Family, but that meant everyone wanted to talk to Mario.

"Luigi?"

Speaking of… "Welcome back Mario. I take it things went well?"

Mario glanced around as he entered the room. "Where do we keep the fire extinguisher?"

"So that's a no." He sighed. "Under the front desk. What happened?"

"I got in a fight,"

"As usual," Luigi muttered under his breath.

If Mario heard him, he didn't show it. "A bunch of thugs wanted my wallet. It was going well, but one of them got behind me with a bat."
Luigi glanced at Mario. No signs of damage. "So, what, you broke it over his head? Because I'm not letting you pay this one's hospital bills."

Mario locked eyes with his brother. "It caught fire. I set his bat on fire."

"…Mario, I think you skipped a sentence or two. How?"

Mario threw up his hands in confusion. "That's just it, I don't know how. Vines shot out of my back and set it on fire."

"Vines." He took a deep breath, pinching his nose as he let it out. "Mario, did somebody sell you some bad mushrooms?"

"I'm telling you, it really happened!"

"That doesn't happen! No matter how good you are in a fight, you don't suddenly start growing weapons."

"I'm telling you, I-"

But Mario was interrupted when the phone rang once more, Luigi quickly grabbing it. "Mario Brothers Plumbing, this is Luigi speaking… actually, he is here." Luigi held out the phone to his brother.

"Hello, I'm kind of busy at the moment… Oh! Peach! Sorry… actually, something's come up… I really am sorry, but I have to get this sorted out as fast as possible… Alright, I'll call you back." He hand the phone back to Luigi, who promptly set it down.

"We need to get some cell phones. Or, more likely, you need one, so your girlfriend can call something other than the company phone."

"I think we have bigger issues than phones right now."

Luigi sighed. "Alright, let's say you're not crazy. Prove it. Show me these vines."

Mario looked over his shoulder. "They retracted a little bit after the fight. I don't know how to make them come back…"

"Well, they came out when you were about to get hurt right? What if I throw something at you?"

Mario stared blankly at his brother. "Huh?"

"We've got some stuff lying around. If it makes you feel better, I can even get the fire extinguisher."

"I'm… probably gonna regret this. Alright, let's go outside."

Luigi hefted the book up. It was heavy enough that it would probably hurt if it struck, so it would have to do for the experiment. "Alright then, here it comes." The book sailed through the air, and for a moment the two brothers thought it would actually hit.

All doubt was dispelled, however, when the vines once more shot from Mario's back, wrapping around the book and crushing it as it turned to ash.

Luigi looked at the sight in obvious terror. "MOTHER OF GOD! YOUR BACK IS ON FIRE!"

Mario let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "No, I checked the first time. I'm completely fine."

"THEN WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT HUGE DISC!?"

"Disc?" Mario craned his neck, and found there was indeed a great burning circle behind him. "Woah! I hadn't noticed that!"

"What even is all this! What kind of powers do you have!?"

"It's called a Stand." A mysterious man in green stepped out of a shadowy alley. "And you should probably stop shouting before someone thinks you've gone mad. People without one can't see them."

Luigi gave the newcomer a confused glance. "Then why can I see it… and who the heck are you?"

"Link. And I don't know." Link shrugged. "Not a scholar, just know about them."

"And just what on earth are you doing here? Are you telling me you just happened to run into us at this moment?" Luigi was dead set on grilling this man, it seemed.

Link barely seemed phased by the barrage, holding up a card for their business. "I was sent here by a wise man. I'm trying to find somebody." His eyes scanned over the two plumbers. "Unless there's a third brother, I think I may want a refund."

"Well who-"

"Luigi!" Mario cut his brother off. "I'm sorry about that sir. My brother gets nervous around strange men, no offense intended by either of us. But perhaps we can be of some help. If you would like to come inside, I can brew us some coffee."

Link smiled, his dull expression easing considerably. "That would be good, it's been a long trip."

Mario poured cups for the three of them, Luigi practically drowning his in cream. "So what exactly brings you to our little corner of Italy? You said you were looking for someone?"

Link nodded. "Yes, though you can understand if I am hesitant to share all the details with men I just met. He is a Stand user, much like us, named Ganondorf. He uses his powers for his own gain at the grave expense of others."

Luigi sighed. "If it's like you say, and these Stands are invisible to ordinary people, then I can see why this is a big issue. A man invisible to the law… god, just thinking about it sends a chill down my spine."

"Exactly, and this is why I'm searching for him. If there is anyone who can bring him in line, it is men like us. Still… I am unsure where to begin. I have only encountered him once, though his image is etched into my brain. The wise man who sent me here, a renowned fortune teller, was my last lead." He let out a heavy sigh, taking a swig of his coffee.

Mario gave his brother a worried glance. "We… might know someone…"

"Oh god," Luigi groaned, burying his face in his hands, "not him."

Link looked at the two of them with a raised eyebrow. "A friend of yours?"

"Cousin," grumbled Luigi, not bothering to pull his face from his hands. "Twice removed. Not as in family distance, as in he was kicked out twice."

"He might be able to help us. He's not particularly influential, but he knows plenty of people. If they're connected to the underworld, he might be able to find out something."

"We are- you know what? Fine. Go visit the worthless fool. See where that gets you. I'm going to stay here and work, like a normal person."

"Alright, we should head out." Mario rose from his chair. "Good luck with the phones, Luigi."

Luigi rolled his eyes. "Not gonna take much work."

Mario opened the door to the seemingly abandoned building, the sound of unbelievable chewing ringing through the halls. "That… would be him."

Link shuddered as something went slurp. "Charming…"

"Let's get this done quickly. With luck, he'll be able to help."

The two walked down the dusty hallway, lit up with flickering lights. Some people poked heads out of doorways, their raggedy clothes confirming their status as squatters. Eventually Mario stopped in front of a door. "You can come in if you want. I should warn you, he's… not the most pleasant person."

Link motioned for him to go on in. Taking a deep breath, Mario opened the door. In the middle of the horrendous room sat an equally repugnant man, gobbling down pizza with unnerving gusto. He was in the middle of watching TV, though he quickly turned to face the two of them, reaching out as if for a weapon. "Oh. You." Wario gave a dry laugh. "And I thought it might be someone dangerous. Or, you know, important."

"It's good to see you too, cousin," Mario said, trying to keep a polite face. "I hope I'm not interrupting something important?"

Wario waved dismissively at him as he scarfed down another slice of pizza. "Still doing that nice bullshit I see," the thug said through a mouthful of food. "That's why nobody takes you seriously. You talk like you have a diploma shoved up yer ass." He swallowed heavily, glancing longingly at yet another slice. "Listen, ya aint here for borrowing money, since I'm broke, pretty sure ya don't do drugs, no way can you have my bike or my food, so what brings those shiny shoes to my little shithole?"

"A friend of mine is looking for someone," Mario said, careful not to touch anything, lest he get the ever-present filth all over him, "and he sounded like he might travel in your circles."

"So he's an asshole and a crook," he said, nearly swallowing yet another slice whole.

"That's one way to say it. He goes by the name of Ganondorf. Have you heard of him?"

Wario was already reaching for his food when his hand froze in midair. He seemed to look at his visitors in a new light. "Who's asking… and who's your friend there?"

"Just a farmboy," Link said, lazily holding up a hand.

"Mmmh, sure." Wario straightened his posture. "As it so happens, I have heard of him. In fact, I wrote down some contact info. Why don't you two go wait outside?" Wario rose from his chair, keeping an eye on the two as they left.

Mario and Link stepped back into the hall, Mario closing the door behind him to muffle the stench. "Well, that was… lucky," the plumber remarked.

"You don't really believe him, do you."

"Not in the slightest. But he had heard the name, so you may have a lead here."

"Assuming we-"

Whatever Link was going to say was cut off as the door exploded in a hail of splinters. Through the flying wreckage they could see what looked like some kind of mix of man and motorbike, armored in yellow panels with purple flame decals, his eyes appearing to be something like goggles. Long handlebars stretched from his shoulders, and two columns of tailpipes ran down his back. His legs seemed to fade into ghostly nothingness, as if he wasn't entirely there.

As the dust settled, Wario stepped from the doorway. "You two think you can get away with this? Who sent you? The cops? You ratting me out cousin?" He cracked his knuckles. "I aint got any loyalties to the asshole, but if you know about him, you know too much. Sorry cuz, them's the breaks."

Link and Mario stared in surprise. "A Stand?" Link wondered. "You have a Stand?"

"You can see him?" Wario asked, nodding at his Stand. "Neat. Yeah, I was shocked too at first. But now? Couldn't be happier! He's the best damn thing to happen to me!" He fell into a horrible, amateurish fighting stance. "Now, get ready to die! Motorhead! Get rid of 'em!" Motorhead let out a roar like a revving engine before charging at Link and Mario, the two narrowly dodging out of the way.

"Damnit!" Link swore, "I wasn't expecting a fight like this! Woodkid!" A manikin like figure burst from where Link stood, hard features carved onto his mouthless face, an emblem on his chest in the shape of three golden triangles. "Mario, get your Stand ready if you want to survive this fight! Only a Stand can hurt a Stand, and if you defeat them, you defeat their owner."

He was about to ask how, but the vines sprouted instinctually, and disk of fire appearing behind him. The two of them raised their guard, getting ready to fight Wario.

"So, a pair of Stand users yourselves. Never took you for a gardener, cousin. I guess that's the only way you could be more of a pussy."

Mario held up his hand. "Link, stay back. This is a family matter, don't intervene unless I'm dying."

"Are you mad?" Link shouted. "You haven't even had your Stand for a day and you expect to fight this guy?"

"Wario has been a black mark on our family for as long as I've known him. I should have done this a long time ago."

"Well come on then cousin," the thug bellowed, throwing out his arms, "take your best damn shot!" Motorhead mimicked the motion, letting out a mighty rev of its engine as black smoke spilled from the exhaust. It quickly charged at Mario once more, but this time the plumber ducked beneath him, delivering a brutal uppercut into the Stand's midsection. The vines spiraled forward instinctually, magnifying the force of the blow.

Motorhead was knocked off its feet, but it quickly recovered, rolling as it hit the ground and going for another tackle. This time Mario wasn't fast enough, being knocked to the floor. Motorhead quickly pressed the advantage, getting in a flurry of punches before Mario managed to push them off.

Mario swung out with a mighty right hook, but Motorhead caught hold of his fist, twisting the plumbers arm and bringing him to his knees. "It's no use," Wario called out. "You may be a good fighter, but Motorhead is beyond human. Those pansy ass vines of yours aren't gonna do shit!" Motorhead went in for a final blow to the face, but found himself stopped as Mario's disk of fire moved in front of him, shielding him from the blow. Taking advantage of this reflexive shield, Mario tried pushing forward, and the disk responded in kind, slamming the enemy Stand backwards.

Both combatants were breathing heavily now, but a smug grin began to spread on Wario's face. "Pretty good show, cuz, but it doesn't matter. I've already won."

"What are you talking about?" Mario huffed. "It looks like this battle hasn't ended yet, I can still beat you!" As he spoke, Mario coughed harshly, his sides starting to hurt.

"That's what you think cuz, but guess what? Motorhead isn't a straight brawler. Look around you!" Mario and Link both scanned the area, and that's when it hit them. They had both been so focused on the fight, neither saw the noxious fog slowly building up. "This is Motorhead's true power! While we've been fighting, he's been pumping out noxious fumes! This stuff won't do your lungs any favors, that's for sure!" He grinned evilly, a murderous gleam in his eyes. "And now? Now I don't have to be subtle!" As he spoke, Motorhead began spewing the horrid gas from every opening, from his vents to his exhaust, even the cracks in his joints. "Go ahead Mario, let's see how long you can fight when you can't even breathe!"

"Damnit," Link swore as he pulled his shirt over his face, "if only I had seen sooner. There's not a damn thing I can do to stop this gas now. Mario! Let me help finish him!"

"No!" The plumber shot back. "This is my fight! Get out of here before the gas gets you!" He pulled off his hat, using it as an impromptu mask.

"But Mario-"

"That wasn't a request! This is a family matter! Now go! And get as many people out with you! We don't know how far this goes!" He waved Link off, but kept his eyes on Motorhead. Link realized there was no hope arguing, rushing from door to door and ushering people out.

"That's brave of you cuz," Wario chuckled. "Stupid, but brave." The fog was making it hard to see now, filling up the hall. "I don't even have to fight anymore. That hat of yours isn't gonna do shit! I can just stand here and watch you choke!"

Wario was right, the gas was doing its job quite fast. Mario's vision started to blur, and the fog was now so thick that not a thing could be seen. For a moment, the hall was silent, save the sound of escaping fumes, and all seemed lost.

Suddenly, there was a massive burst of flames. Link stared in awe from outside as windows were blown out from the force of the blast. Inside, walls were burnt and cracked, with Mario standing unharmed at the center of this destruction. His vines burned even brighter now, so hot that they glowed white, massive flames pouring from them. "Like I said, this fight isn't over!" Wario looked on in horror, singed and bruised as he tried to stand up from the floor. "This has gone on for far too long cousin!" The vines wrapped even tighter around his right arm, making look like a solid mass of fire. "And now, it ends!" Mario pulled his arm back, charging forward as Wario tried to crawl away in terror. "White Knuckle Thrill Ride!" Fist met flesh with a sickening crunch, and Wario was sent flying backwards, smashing into a wall. He was still breathing, but it was clear he wasn't going anywhere for a long time.

The fires faded away as Mario's stand shrunk into his back. The plumber marched over to his defeated foe. Grabbing Wario by the collar, Mario pulled him up to eye level. "Now, you're going to tell me everything you know about Ganondorf."

Mario dusted himself off as he exited the building. "He doesn't know where Ganondorf is, but he knows someone who does. A crime boss by the name of Bowser. If we can find him, we can find Ganondorf. As it so happens, Bowser is based here in Italy."

Link nodded. "Impressive work for someone who just got their stand. Thank you for being willing to help."

"Of course," Mario said. "You seem like a good man, Link. I don't know if I can follow your for all of your journey, but I should be able to help this much. Now, let's go home. I should bring my brother up to speed."