"Commander," The Iolani Palace security guard nodded, as if he was already expecting to see Steve McGarrett in front of him at such a late hour. "Couldn't sleep again?" He finished by looking at his watch and confirming the time.
"Hey, Manny." Steve replied with a polite smile, swallowing the familiarity the security guard expressed. It was an unwelcome expression for Steve. He knew he'd been spending too many late nights at the office lately; and he also knew why. "Yeah, couldn't sleep again. We're stuck on a case." He lied confidently, knowing the near stranger would never be the wiser. The truth was, his lack of sleep wasn't even remotely related to work. It wasn't even so much a lack of sleep. He could sleep enough to function; that idea wasn't new to him. It was being in the house alone again that he was staying away from.
His house, the place that had been one of refuge for him in the past. Going through that front door had been a symbol of safety and assurance. No matter what he's faced that day, Steve knew the minute that door closed behind him that he'd made it through another battle. But now, coming home from Afghanistan alone and the phone conversation that followed were all he could think about when he stepped over the threshold. Hearing her voice say the words he'd been most afraid of. He assured her he understood her reasons for staying across the world; and he did. But it didn't make the pain in his chest feel any lighter. From hearing what he thought was the front door opening, to someone walking up on the lanai Steve just couldn't shake it. He kept thinking she was come through that door the way she had so many times before. But, the more he hoped the more he was disappointed and felt the urge to get out. And that had landed him there, in the office at one in the morning, again.
"Anyways, you'll figure it out Commander." Manny smiled and spoke with positivity. Steve tried to cover the fact that he'd been too consumed with his own thoughts to hear a word the guard had said. "You always do, right? That's why they call you the boss." The younger man beamed, showing his support.
Steve smiled and nodded, acknowledging the man's compliment. "Almost one already, you've only got a few more hours to go then it's vacation time, huh?" He walked towards the large stair case as he continued talking. Steve remembered being briefed on the impending security change earlier that day. It seemed like ages ago even though it had barely been twelve hours. The feeling that each day would never be over was becoming a normal feeling for him since Catherine had stayed in the Middle East.
Manny, the large Polynesian man that had been a night guard at Iolani palace for as long as Steve had been head of Five 0 grinned broadly at the SEAL's interest. "Yes sir. Taking the wife and boy to see the mountains of Colorado."
"Sounds nice." Steve replied genuinely. "Have fun." He continued up the stairs as Manny saluted him.
"Will do Commander. And don't work too hard." The uniform clad man spoke once more. Steve nodded with a grim smile before fully entering the second floor of their building.
Instinctively, Steve looked towards Danny's office as he entered and stepped over their seal, though he knew there would be no one there. He glanced over the smart table and powerless monitors before entering his office and eying the arm chairs opposite the desk. Slouching down in one, Steve's view drifted to the desk in front of him and then around the room as if he didn't already know its contents. They floated back to the mini fridge, and the four bottles of beer he knew were inside it. It only took a few seconds to cross the room and have the first one in his hand. One went down too quickly, so bottle number two seemed like a good idea. Steve only realized how quickly they were disappearing when he reached for three, to discover it was gone and he was actually on number four. The more alcohol he consumed, the more his thoughts were consumed with thoughts of Catherine and how much he missed her. After the fourth beer, he went hunting for something harder. Remembering his partner's whiskey stash, Steve went on a mission to find it. It didn't take him long, but before heading back to his own abyss of self-pity he took in the pictures Danny had displayed on his desk. They were all of Grace, and most with Danny save for one of his parents with her. When his eyes landed on one of Danny hunched over a small green patch Steve instantly remembered the day it was taken. It had taken zero effort to make Danny smile and look like he was having a good time. Of course, Steve realized as he chuckled to himself that it was all Grace's doing. It was her idea to go mini golfing that day, and Danny couldn't have been happier to oblige. Naturally, Steve had won.
But that wasn't important, he reminded himself as the memories of that day continued to find their way back to him. It was the first time he started to realize how much he missed having Catherine there with him. Days like those were the ones he'd come to enjoy most. The quick trips to this base or that base; wherever their careers allowed the paths to cross at any given time were fun too. But, to be home and experiencing life in as normal setting as possible with her was something he began striving for on that day. The memories had been scattered throughout the last few years, but they were playing on a continuous reel in his mind since she told him not to wait for him a few months previous. She had found her place, she told him. Steve couldn't help but look at the pictures on Danny's desk once more, reflecting on where his place could be if it wasn't with Catherine. He heaved one last heavy sigh before heading back to his office, whiskey bottle in hand.
Settling into his own chair this time, Steve compared his photos. One of himself and his old CO Joe White; one of his sister, niece and aunt taken at Thanksgiving and then the last picture he had of his father. His mind wandered to Danny's desk, his office and his pictures of Grace. The memories, and how Danny had teased him on numerous occasions in the past about putting a picture of Catherine on his desk. He said it was only natural, and that Steve's ancestors probably had poop sculptures of their loved ones in their caves too. At the time, he didn't appreciate the joke. But now, he wished like never before that there was her warm and bright white smile staring back at him from a frame on the desk. Steve pulled his cellphone out, realizing a picture he'd snapped of her at her retirement ceremony was the only picture he had to fulfil the need he felt. His thumb hovered over the call button. Should he? Could he? Would she answer? No, he dismissed the thought quickly. It had been two weeks since their last conversation and no call, no text, no any indication she's thought of him even once since telling him not to wait for her. She's off doing something gravely important to her; his sorry ass was probably the farthest thing from her mind he told himself. It clearly didn't mean anything that she'd consumed his every thought since that night. It had taken Danny nagging him enough to change the background picture on his phone from Catherine.
Though he knew his best friend was just looking out for him, Steve did not appreciate the unsolicited advice. He took a deep breath, remembering the conversation the men had a few days previous while on the way to a crime scene.
"Steve, I am telling you, okay? There will never be anything good that can come out of calling an ex, pal. And having her picture there every single time you use that phone is just self-torture."
Danny was speaking from experience and the passenger seat. "Would you just trust me on this, please? Instead of having to go all 'I am man I must forge my own path'. Please?"
"What, honestly, Danny are you talking about?" Steve asked feeling rather taken aback by his partner's words of so called wisdom. "I mean, all this going on and on, it's disorganized, Danny and—"
"Oh, disorganized?" Danny mocked, repeating the word. "I'm sorry, would you rather I give you all the reasons you shouldn't go back down that path in another form then? How about a list, hmm?" Danny continued relentlessly. "Would that suit you better?"
"Yeah," Steve called his bluff. "A list would be good, actually. But, I already know it's gonna be short, okay? Empty, actually. Because there's no reason I shouldn't call her, Danny. I'm thinking about her, and then at night, and yeah,I know what that sounds like but I don't, I just.." He stopped talking, suddenly feeling the frustration of not being able to articulate his emotions. "It, I, ugh." Steve's words were suddenly lost.
"It happens all the time, doesn't it?" Danny asked in as genuine a tone as possible. "She crosses your mind all day, right? And you sometimes try to stop it, but it just keeps happening." Danny paused to take a minute to take in his friends' current state of bewilderment. "Am I in the ballpark, Steve?" He knew the answer already, but felt the verbal reassurance would do his best friend some good.
"Yeah." Steve nodded slowly. "I don't know, I just, I miss her, Danny. I miss her so much." He allowed himself for the first time to let the emotions in and take hold of him. Steve cleared his throat in an effort to keep the impending loss of control at bay. "I can't stop looking at the door, wherever I am. Expecting her to come sweeping in like, like she'd been away on a mission or something." He shook his head. "It still feels like she'll be back, y'know? Like all the other times we've been apart for long stretches." He hung his head, giving the steering wheel a taste of his frustration with a soft fist. "But, I know, I know she won't be back this time. And I don't, I…" he stumbled over the words as he heard his own voice tremble. "I don't know how I can stop. I, I don't know how I can do without her, Danny."
"Look, I want you to be happier than anyone, right?" Danny expressed with a much softer tone that before. He knew his best friend was hurting. "But, you have to know that if that means telling you it's time to move on, then that's what I'll do." The detective gave the commander a few seconds to process that statement. "However, also know this." Danny found himself in need of a throat clearing moment too. "If you truly feel in whatever emotional depth you are capable of," his moment was quickly lightened by the side swiped look of death Steve sent his way at that jab. "Seriously, if going through all this and having her rip your heart out has made you realize you love her that much and you want to be with her for the rest of your life, then it is my duty as your best friend to tell you that you have to ask yourself this. Do you think you ever cross her mind? Is she realizing her mistake too?" Danny bravely turned to face his partner after delivering the hardest hitting question he could. "You have to ask yourself that, Steve. You deserve someone who is as dedicated to you as you are to her, buddy. If that is Catherine, then great. I'm all for it, man. I will stand up there with you and wear whatever colour cargo pants you decide tie into the theme of the wedding." Danny took a second to catch his breath and give his very active hands a rest from his speech too. "All I am saying is, you want to be sure, alright? You should get a happily ever after too, Steve. So, I just want you to make sure that's what this is." Danny finished with another glance at his partner.
Steve remained silent, attention focused forward as he took in the tough but true points the detective made. As usual, he realized Danny was providing the voice of reason he often counted on. "I hear you, Danny. I do." He took in a long, slow breath.
"Okay, then we're getting somewhere." The blond man nodded. "But I know you, which means I know there's a but coming." He confirmed for himself.
"But," Steve continued hesitantly. "I've spent most of my life holding people at arm's length, Danny. And I guess.. I guess I'm at a point where I'd rather be hurt than feel nothing at all, y'know?"
A momentary stop for a red light provided the time for decompression both men needed. "I still don't think you should call her, at least not for a while yet." Danny finally spoke as they drove on. "But, you do what you think is best, alright?"
"I will." Steve replied, nodding his appreciation for the understanding words from his partner. Feeling the moment needed lightening, Steve saw an opportunity. "Scale of one to ten, how painful was that for you, y'know, telling me I might be right?" The smirk on his face immediately lightened both their demeanors.
"Funny," Danny put his index finger up. "You joke, but I am actually proud of you, man. You're talking about your feelings, and accepting that messiness comes with real relationships. It can't all be weekend trysts halfway around the world every few months anymore. You, my friend, have realized you can't have your cake and eat it too forever. And I for one am proud to say I was here to see that." Danny beamed brightly, a slight glint in his eye.
"Uh, okay. Thanks, man." Steve was as baffled by the sudden shift in the car's atmosphere as he was by Danny's touching statement. He really wasn't sure what else to say. "I'm uh, I'm gonna keep driving now, and, uh, and maybe we don't talk?"
Danny let out an amused, stifled chuckle. "Baby steps, I guess."
"Uh, yeah." Steve nodded, really not feeling any less awkward as his attention turned back to the road ahead of him full time.
The men drove on in silence for what felt like more consecutive minutes than they probably ever had before. Both men, thinking, processing what it meant to be in love and what it felt like to have that taken away. "You know," Danny finally couldn't take the tension anymore. "There's a bottle of whiskey in my office if you think that'll help." The offer earned him what was considered a light chuckle for Steve. It was hardly more than a large grin but Danny knew enough to know it was exactly what was needed.
Steve's focus shot back to the present as he swallowed another mouthful of the smooth amber liquid from the bottle on the desk in front of him.
It was all he could do to fight the urge to let his thumbs find their way to the call button. After taking another swig of the whiskey, he stood up and headed for the door. There was no possible way he could feel any sorrier for himself sitting there like that, so he decided it was time to sober up and leave.
"See, told you you'd figure it out!" Manny beamed as Steve came into his view from the stairs.
"Nah," Steve shook his head. "I just need a cup of coffee. The machine upstairs is broken."
"Oh. You want me to call Mr. Kehoua from Kona's on Kalakaua and have them run over someone to fix it? You know they love you guys over there!" Manny laughed as he offered.
"No," Steve refused politely. "It's after one in the morning, I don't think they'd like me too much after that."
"Well, if there's anything else you need now, just let me know before I go." Manny smiled through his offer.
Maybe it was the whiskey taking over; Steve didn't know. But suddenly hearing those words clicked and his legs were travelling on a path of their own back to his office. He left a confused and slightly worried young security guard in his wake.
The phone felt warm against his face and like a ticking time bomb in his hand. She wasn't going to answer... She was going to see his number and not answer... No! She wouldn't. ...would she? The time to question what he was doing and what he thought he knew was over as the automated voicemail greeting came on.
When the obnoxious beep sounded for him to leave the message, the words began pouring out.
"Hey, uh.. it's me. I know you're uh, probably not even near your phone, or, or if this number even still works.." Steve was lost for a moment in the terrifying idea that had just struck him. What if she'd changed her number or given up on the idea of a cell phone in such a remote area altogether? What if his only possible still existing connection to her was now gone? No! He scowled at himself for the thought, all the while realizing he was still on her voicemail.
If it was even still hers.
"Uh, hi." He spoke more clearly, the whiskey tricking him into believing he now had his thoughts together. "I just thought I'd call and check in, and uh, I don't know, see how you were doing. Uh, it's…." He turned his arm around to view the time on his watch. "It's a quarter after one here so that means it's…" Steve's mind began to feel fuzzed over as he tried to do the time zone math. He knew the difference, and could normally recite it almost like the simplest addition equations. But in his state of being what he considered buzzed, there wasn't much mathematical thought being processed through his alcohol logged brain. "Uh, it's a different time there, but anyway.. Give me a call back when you get this, Cath." Steve heard the desperation in his own words clearly and the thought was helped little by the alcohol. "If you get this…" he breathed through the words he'd intended to stay in his head. Before more embarrassment could take control, Steve sloppily tapped the screen to end the call.
He set it back down on the desk and reached for the one quarter full bottle once more. Just as the phone's screen went dark, Steve's mind was anything but. Like a reflex, he let go of the bottle and picked the phone back up. Spending just a second chastising himself for doing what he said he wouldn't not once but twice, Steve unlocked the phone and quickly navigated his way back to the call history and tapped the call he'd just made to make it again.
Feeling slightly more prepared this time, Steve launched right into everything he had to say, almost not even waiting for the beep to stop sounding. "Hey, it's me again. I've been thinking about everything tonight, and I just.. I need you, Catherine. And if you want to stay over there for as long as it takes to make a difference, and even take care of the other boys the Taliban are after, then fine, but you can't leave me, okay? I said I wouldn't do this, but I can't fight it anymore. I'm all alone here, and I'm, well, I might be a little drunk." A quick burst of laughter came through his words as he heard himself say it. "So, I'm.. I guess what I'm trying to say is I need you, Catherine. I need to see you come walking through the door at home. I just.. If you need to talk, or, or, stay to see things through there, I get it, okay? But I need you, too. And, not knowing where you are or if you're safe really hurts." He took in a break and sunk his head into his free hand as the words really sunk in. "It's different than before, though. I mean, I always worried about you before, but now, it's.. well, it's crippling, Cath."
Taking another deep breath in, Steve was about to continue letting everything flow freely when his thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the indication of something sounding in the distance. "..Catherine? Are you there?" He blurted before the rational part of his brain could tell him he was hearing things. "Hello? Catherine? Can you hear me?" He tried desperately, as if he could somehow will her voice to sound again. Finally, as the dead air on the line continued, his senses came back in full force and he understood her voice had never actually been there in the first place.
Silence fell over him as the tears made their way out with little resistance. "I need you, Catherine. I need you now." He just got the last words out as he heard the click and the dead air that followed, meaning the voicemail had timed out. He was lost in his own deepening sadness instantly. Everything in the room just evaporated. The phone still in his hand, the whiskey bottle and the pictures on the desk in front of him, the chairs across from him. They were all gone as he succumbed to the idea that all of that babble could be, and probably was going absolutely nowhere. Did he cross her mind too? Would she ever know how he felt? It all made Steve far dizzier than any amount of alcohol ever could. He dropped into his chair and leaned forward, his face buried in his hand by his knees.
"How about I come through your office door instead?" The sound of her voice shot straight through Steve faster than any bullet ever could.
He darted straight up and grabbed the desk for stability. "Catherine! What…" He was almost frozen in place, realizing the alcohol he'd consumed that night would do him no favors if he tried swerving out from behind the desk too quickly.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Steve." She spoke with urgency and remorse as her body moved the way his couldn't.
"You got my…" he began as she stopped beside him, putting her hands on each side of his face as she so often did.
"Every word, Steve." She finished for him.
She smiled that large grin he'd come to want for so strongly since she'd stayed in Afghanistan. Before another word could escape either of their lips they were locked so tightly in a kiss they'd both been needing since the ambush in Afghanistan.
They finally parted lips, allowing their hands to travel to each other's arms. "I need you too, and I.." She began to pour her heart out after what seemed like ages. "Wow," She commented with a surprised laugh. She was visibly taken aback by something unexpected as she wiped her lips. "How much..?" She began asking and then quickly noticed the large glass bottle on the desk beside her. "Did you drink all that?" she let one of her hands go from his bicep to the bottle.
"No, no." Steve protested with a light sense of offense. He let a brief moment pass between them for added dramatic flair and comedic timing. "I also drank four Longboards." He added with laughter.
Catherine couldn't help but smile broadly at the situation. "I see. Well, they don't say sailors can hold their liquor for nothing."
"Yeah," Steve let out a satisfied breath through a laugh. "If that's what you call my messages, then.." He trailed off with a smirk, knowing she'd know where he was going with the statement.
"Mmm, maybe not so much." She laughed again, reeling in the happiness that came with the knowledge that she was finally back where she knew she needed to be.
"I landed about an hour ago. I went to the house and you weren't there. And I didn't want to call first, y'know? I mean, we said goodbye over the phone and that was, it was.." She looked at her feet timidly as the events in Afghanistan came flooding back too easily. "..terrible, so…" She took a deep breath and continued. "So, I called Danny. I know, I know, calling him so late wasn't a great idea, but I didn't know what else to do." She shrugged, feeling guilty.
Steve took a second to digest that idea. "Wait, you called Danny?" The surprise was clear in his voice.
She slowly nodded and looked up into his steely eyes once again. "Yeah, you think you weren't anticipating that." She laughed. "I got an earful, let me tell you." She smirked knowingly.
Steve's mind panicked slightly, reflecting on the things Danny had said about her hurting him in the past. "He told you I was here?"
"He said you'd been coming here when you didn't feel like being at home since that night, so I thought it was worth a shot to-"
Catherine's words were stopped abruptly by Steve's lips once more. "Whoa.." She cleared her throat after his lips finally allowed hers to leave. "That is a serious amount of whiskey. I mean, I can throw it back with the best of them, but wow, Steve." She let out a light hearted laugh, revelling in the idea of a sloppy, drunken Commander McGarrett.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." He protested. "I can walk, see?" He motioned to her to move, and she obliged by walking back towards the door of his office. Steve moved around the desk with ease, as if he didn't have so much as a drop of alcohol in his system. He was about to boast about being in control when the simple act of reaching for his jacket from the couch sent him staggering like, well, a drunk. "Uh, you drove here, right?" He asked as he steadied himself and looked back into Catherine's amused face.
"I guess you're ready to go home huh?" She asked playfully, now having an idea of the weight that hearing her say that would lift off his shoulders.
"Yeah." He nodded seriously. And just as quickly as he'd made that last call earlier, Steve realized this was the moment he needed to speak completely freely. He clutched the jacket and closed the difference between. "Cath?" He gripped her arm to get her attention once more before they left the office.
"Hmm?" she replied, turning to him.
"You're back, back, right? I mean, you're home now? Because I meant everything I said in my message, er, messages, and I'm-" He stopped when her hand touched his.
She smiled with reassurance and it matched perfectly to the one in the picture Steve had looked at every single day on his phone. "I was at your door when you called. I left my phone in the car, that's why I didn't pick up. Of course the door was locked, so I went around to the back before being sure you weren't there. When I got back to the car, I checked my phone and found your message."
Steve's face changed immediately to relief as her words sunk in.
Catherine gently placed both her hands on his chest. "I heard every word, Steve." She stated it as simply as possible. "And I am here, I'm home. Because I need you too, and I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have told you to move on, and I'm, I just.." A deeply satisfying, hearty breath filled her lungs for the first time since she called to say she wasn't coming home all those months ago. "I love you, Steve. I love you so much, and I-"
It was Steve's turn to interrupt with a kiss. When they finally went up for air, it was like they could read each other's mind. They both felt comfortable in the moment, as if no more words needed to be spoken for them to understand each other and know that they were both ready to move forward from this.
Steve though, did have a few more words to speak. "I love you too, Catherine." He kissed her forehead and pulled her in as tightly as he could. They both stood as closely embraced as they could possibly be in his office as the realization dawned on them both. Anything and everything they could ever need now, or anytime in the future could, and would be found right there in that moment for the rest of their lives.