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I don't own Inuyasha.
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I'd been living the same routine from this day to day basis. It was unbelievable when a wooden well out of all things sent me back 500 years into the past. Could you believe it? 500 years into the past. People would wish for something like that to happen to them. They could only imagine what it was like to live back then.
It was unbelievable in the beginning. As if I'd entered my own fairy-tale. A world full of magic! I was fifteen when the well pulled me in. The well brought me a lot of happiness in the beginning. Almost everyday I'd meet new people, and I was on a mission to save everyone from a evil half-demon by the name of Naraku. It was as if I was a superhero the world had been waiting for. Never in my wildest thoughts, had I imagined something like this really existed.
There was another reason that made me love this place more and more. His name was Inuyasha. When I'd first seen him, he'd tried to attack me thinking I was his former lover and betrayer. After that, our relationship had started to grow. I'd thought it was amazing at first. At just the age of fifteen, I'd found the one I wanted to spend my entire life with. Kikyou really didn't matter. She was just an obstacle we would overcome together.
It's funny how naive I was back then. I used to try to look for the best in everything I found. I used to think people who loved you were incapable of hurting you. If you wished for the best, then you'd get it. I guess it just takes a couple of experiences to prove you wrong.
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For three years, we continued on with this expedition. Each day was just like yesterday. Find more shards and kill Naraku. It was beginning to take its toll on me.
I already sacrificed so much for this. I ended up luckily graduating school with my horrible grades. Grades that won't get me into a good university. All my friends moved on with their life. They were in college now, dating, and getting to live their life. I didn't even get to see my family on a regular basis. My grandpa was already at his late 70s and I don't know how much he has left to live. I even missed out on Souta growing up, but what bothered me the most of all was that I missed time with my mother. She has always been there for me. She would buy me all the supplies needed with no complains. She wouldn't get mad at me and tell me to stay. One look into her eyes could show me that she missed her little girl. I knew she would rather have my presence at home, but she would never complain or try to stop me from going back into the past, even though it would hurt her. She just wanted me back at home, safe and away from danger. If only it was that easy.
We would do the same thing day to day. I'd wake up, usually because of a pompous hanyou yelling and nagging about how we need more shards. Lucky for me, Sango and Miroku would calm him down. Then we'd have some tea and get energized before we went back to the same mission I'd been on for over three years. Sango and Miroku were such good friends. They'd always get the laughter and happiness back into my life after something would occur with Inuyasha. Even little Shippo knew to stay out of fights with Inuyasha whenever he could. He knew it would bring me more anger than I deserved.
Inuyasha. That name brought forth so many emotions. In the beginning everything was going great. You could call it smooth sailing for all I cared, but then we reached a bump in the road. One that I have yet to pass. Inuyasha knew that I loved him, but it was what I didn't know. I used to think if I gave him all of my heart he'd love be back and we'd live happily ever after.
We all knew the day would come for Inuyasha to chose between Kikyou and I. As the day came by I started having doubts. Our relationship wasn't based on much. We met each other while trying to save the world from a corrupt hanyou. I should have known, should have expected it. I was always going to be second best in his eyes no matter what I did. Even if I gave him all my heart, he'd only give me a piece of his because the rest was meant for her. It was my fault I'd gotten my hopes so high. Because then, when I fell from that high, the drop almost destroyed me.
It was then that I discovered what it was like to not have your love returned. He might have loved me, but not in the way I wished he did. He tried to explain to me, if he hadn't met her first, he'd want to be with me, but he can't. He can't forget about her and the love he shares with Kikyou. He knew how much this hurt me so he decided not to bring her into our shard hunting group. This way I wouldn't have to see her face and remember the love that wasn't shared because of her.
I knew he wouldn't be without her while we were on our travels, so I wasn't shocked when I would wake up at nights and not find him there. He'd come before the sun would rise and I'd act like I was sleeping. We were both living a lie. I knew he could smell my tears telling him I'd been up. He was also aware that most of us knew about his meetings with Kikyou at nights. God, this wasn't supposed to hurt that much.
I had tried faking happiness but lets just say I'm a bad liar. Everyone saw past my act, even the dense Inuyasha. Sango would try to take me to a hot-spring whenever she saw some soul-stealers in sight. Miroku would try to grab certain body parts to distract me from them. They'd hope I would miss the way Inuyasha looked longingly at the soul-stealers. They way he wouldn't mind if we settled to camp sooner than intended. The way his focus was never on us anymore.
I'd never felt alone as I had back then. I had put all my love into an unrequited love and fallen deeper than I could imagine. I was beginning to think that it was better to be alone, because that way no one could hurt you.
I needed time to myself, a break from seeing Inuyasha so my feelings wouldn't resurface. I tried to tell him, but he never understood. The longest breaks I would get from him were about five days a month. He didn't see how him being in my presence should effect me. I guess I could never make him understand how much it hurt. I don't think I wanted to either.
As much as we tried to fix our friendship, we couldn't. It seemed as if nothing could go back to normal. I tried to tell him that it was fine with me that he had chosen Kikyou, but we both knew I was lying.
I guess you could say I kind-of drifted away from my friends. I just couldn't get involved in the conversations. For some reason I kept on feeling vulnerable, so damn vulnerable. I started keeping to myself more often. Fewer words would be shared on our journeys. And sometimes, the silence was so welcome. Soon Sango and Miroku stopped trying to talk to me. They wouldn't put an effort in if it wasn't returned. I couldn't blame them.
When we would return from our trips, I would finally get to see Kaede again. Though I was always excited to see her, our conversations would get shorter with each return I had. She was always looking out for us and sacrificing her well-being for the village. She would even teach me new miko tricks. The most recent one I had learned was how to hide your scent. It would be quite useful when I was in need of a break from our group.
The journey would continue, and we'd get farther and farther from the village. I'd get to visit my family once every two months if I got lucky. It's funny how my view on this experience changed. I'm sick of this nightmare. I've seen so much death and destruction most people would not see while they were alive. It's corrupted my innocence, and taken away a part of me I can never get back. I just want to reach the end already.
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It was a sunny, cheerful day when we began our return from this trip. It almost made me forget about all the violence I'd seen on this trip. We'd gone on a month long expedition looking for the rumors of the jewel shard. Naraku had made even more reincarnations. This time, you could say, we had a lot of trouble with them. I almost lost Inuyasha on the night without the moon. If the sun had not risen when it did, who knows where we'd be right now. I don't even think I'd be alive.
It's quite funny actually. When I think back on that expedition, no emotions arise. I just feel numb like I always do.
We were on a walk towards the village, which Inuyasha said would take about three days. I couldn't wait. Now I could go home and see my family. I wouldn't have to feel so bound and restricted.
The walk back was quiet. That's how it has been for a while now. No one would really converse with the other. And that is when the silence would set in.
The wind began to pick up. You could hear the soft ruffling of the leafs.
The wind would blow my hair against me and the feelings of calmness was welcome. It gave me time to think of what I would do once this mission was over, or maybe what I would get for my mother since her birthday was coming up.
These short intervals of silence were when I could think things through and see where my life was headed towards. Times like these made me think I had no heavy burden on my shoulder. I could daydream and forget about the life I was living. I didn't have to deal with all the trouble the Shikon No Tama had caused us. The sorrow, the deaths, the hate. No, I wasn't supposed to think of that. I could just put this all behind me and dream.
Yet, even though I would try, it always felt like there was something in the back of my mind that I was neglecting.
I could have gone on, thinking about the life I could have lived. The life I could be having at this moment if I wasn't sucked in by this well. I would have gone on doing this, but Inuyasha had just decided to break the silence.
"We won't be able to rest for that long. I've been hearing rumors that there's a jewel shard just east of the village, and the quicker we get there the more time we will have to hunt it down."
The only thing I look forward to when we are on our journey is returning home, and now he's trying to take it away from me. Was he seriously so inconsiderate?
"Inuyasha, you imbecile! You can go search for those shards all by yourself for all I care. I need a rest and I'm going to go back home and you won't stop me this time!"
It was funny how much he would look like Sesshoumaru when he would narrow his eyes at me.
"Kagome, give it a break. We will stop long enough for you to get your supplies then we will be on our way." His attempt at keeping his voice down did not go unnoticed.
I knew everyone else in the group could hear us but I didn't give a damn.
"Why don't you give us all a break? If you wanna see that jewel shard that bad then why don't you just ask Kikyou?" It seemed as if I couldn't talk to Inuyasha without getting into an argument with him.
"God damn it, Kagome! Do you always have to make an argument out of everything? This wasn't about her, but you still had to mention her, didn't you? You always make it seem as if it's about the choice I made. It's been a while already, Kagome!" Inuyasha yelled.
Damn it! How many times do I have to explain it to him? "You idiot! Not everything is about the choice you made! Everyone knows you didn't choose me and I've learned to live with it. It hurt in the beginning to have to see your face and know you didn't want me and love me the way I loved you, but that was a long time ago. I had still hoped we could be friends and you'd understand how hard this was on me. Maybe you'd give me breaks once in a while. Was that to much for you, Inuyasha? Your brick head wouldn't let you think of anyone or anything but yourself. You couldn't give me the time I needed to myself all so we would finish this damn cursed mission, so you'd get back to your love. Do you think I'm blind? Do you think we don't know about your visits to Kikyou at nights when you think everyone is sleeping? I'm not stupid I can click two together! I would bet my life on it that you heard about the rumors of the jewel in the East from Kikyou." Normally I would rather say this to Inuyasha's face than have an audience, but I guess I wanted everyone to hear me say it.
Inuyasha opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. He just stared at me with stunned eyes. I thought he was about to take his leave, but he did something more unexpected. He grabbed my hand and took me away from our group.
He was leading me deeper into the forest. With each step we took, our friends looked smaller and smaller.
His hold on my arm was beginning to hurt.
"Inuyasha, stop!" When he did stop, we were in the middle of the forest, surrounded with darkness. Sunlight only penetrated one part of the forest.
He turned towards me and I didn't know what to expect. Maybe some kind of yelling or he might just tell me how stupid I am and run off to his Kikyou.
"Kagome..." The second he said my name, I started to get chills in my body. Why was he using a soft tone with me?
"I didn't know you were still... bothered by this."
How could he think I was still bothered by the choice he made? I thought I had made it clear to him I wasn't.
"Inuya..." He didn't let me finish what I was going to say.
"Don't. Kagome, just don't. Let me finish what I want to say. I know what I see everyday and don't tell me I'm wrong. You're different, you've changed. Ever since I made that choice, you closed up. Your not the same anymore. You're like a walking corpus of what used to be. What happened to that sparkle in your eye? What happened to being happy, Kagome? Your happiness was contagious, the same way your sadness now is. Each day you spend with us seems as if it will be the last. If I don't stay up at night, you might just wake up and decide to leave us. Do you know how much it hurts to watch you each day? To know that all because of me you're hurting. It seems as if someone is sucking the life out of you, and there's no way I can stop it. Every time I try, I somehow quicken the process. You hardly ever talk, and when you do, it is to yell at me. I miss you, Kagome. We all miss you. Its all way too quiet without you being a chatterbox. Kagome, everyone is affected by this. Without you, its just not the same anymore. You seriously seem as if you don't give a shit anymore. As if you just want to get this over with and go back to the future. To leave the past in the past. To leave US behind."
"Inuyasha..." Saying I was shocked would be an understatement.
He then grabbed my hand and continued speaking... "Kagome, I'm sick of this. I'm sick of fighting with you everyday. We are not the same people we were when you fell into the well. Everyday we risk our lifes. Everyday we wake up not knowing if we are going to live to see tomorrow, and if something does happen I don't want it to end like this. God Kagome, I'm freaking hurting! I can't watch you anymore like this. It looks like you've given up on life. Every time I look at you I see a stranger. A stranger who only resembles someone I know or better yet, once knew. It looks as if you're restricted from living your life. What happened to you, Kagome?" The way he questioned me, and the way he looked at me, actually showed me he cared about me.
I wanted to say something. I felt as if I needed to say something, but I couldn't. There was a big ball in my throat and it was growing every second. I didn't even know how to answer his question.
At the moment you could only hear Inuyasha's sharp intake of breathe. After all, he'd only spoken so much in one minute.
"I didn't know... you guys f-f-felt like that, that you felt like that." Finally, I got something out of my open mouth.
"Kagome, I might be dense but anyone with eyes could see behind your act."
I knew I wasn't that good at lying, but I didn't know everyone could see past it
When I next opened my mouth, I couldn't keep the tears in any longer. It had gone too long till I had last shed it. "Inuyasha, it's been really hard on me."
I'm sure he probably knew that though.
I let go of his hand and walked further away from him. There was so much intensity in his eyes, I was beginning to feel nervous all over again. Though, that didn't stop me as I continued. "Since the first day I was here, you were with me. I started loving you at a young age and at that time I was in the dark about your feelings towards me. I knew you had Kikyou, but I always hoped there would be room in your heart for me. When you did get around to telling me that you wanted Kikyou, I couldn't take it. I thought I could, but as the past shows, I couldn't. I had spent such a long time in the feudal area, I feel like I lost my ability to live a normal life in the future. The second you told me you did not love me I felt so lonely. I felt so unclear about my future. I didn't and I still don't know what is going to happen once I finish with this quest. When I look at your face I'm reminded of the love that wasn't returned. I need to get away from all of this, but Inuyasha you do not understand. That is why I want to go home so often. Over there, I'm not reminded that once I jump back in the well, I will go back to feeling so lonely. I'll even admit it to you, Inuyasha, I am scared to love again. What if I fall for someone, and they don't love me back? What if I'm not good enough for them? I'm so sick of feeling alone. You have Kikyou, and Miroku has Sango. I get to see either of you interact, and I wish for something like that, but all I get in return is pain. I couldn't take it anymore. It hurt way too much. I felt like the only way I can stop from letting anyone else make me feel so alone, would be if I just closed off and didn't let anyone get close to me. That way, if something did happen, it wouldn't hurt as much as this did. When I go home, I know there's people who love me, but over here it is different. I feel like I'm just a burden. I'm useless and I just waste your time." I decided to leave out all the crucial details of how bad I had felt and all the thoughts that had come to my mind all because I wasn't chosen.
I told him I was scared to love again, but I didn't go into the tiny details. I don't think he deserves to know how much pain this well has caused me. I just hope he realizes that I'm not in love with him and I'm not jealous of Kikyou and him. It took me a while, but I've finally began to understand their relationship. I've even begun to move on, but that is when all the uncertainty started.
"K-K-Kagome..." I guess it was his turn to stutter.
"Kagome," he tried again, but it still was not working.
He took a step towards me, but he stopped. His eyes mimicked the pain I'd been feeling for a while. He looked like he had been slapped by someone he loved. There had only been a few times when I had seen him look like that, and it did not bring up pleasant memories. He put his head down, and looked at me through his blunt bangs. I wish I could at-least see what he was thinking.
He then took as many steps as he needed to get to me, and once he did, he put his arms around me. He embraced me, and for a moment, he shielded me from the world. From all the sorrow and doubt this world had in store for me. If I was fifteen all I would want at the moment would be for Inuyasha to call me crazy and tell me that I was wrong for ever thinking that way, but it was too late for that. I wasn't in love with him anymore. If he ever even mumbled those words to me I'd end up more hurt than I was to begin with.
A few more minutes of silence went on, and I was still stuck in this embrace. He was holding onto me as if I was about to slip away. Inuyasha wasn't much of a talker, and I was quite aware of that, so I wasn't surprised when he put all his emotions behind the hug. It was his way of telling me I was cared for. That I wasn't completely useless.
"Just because I'm not in love with you, Kagome, doesn't mean I don't love you."
And as he said those words to me, I could suddenly hear the chirping of the birds. I could feel the heat of the sunlight on my skin. I could smell the scent of the fresh forest we were standing in. I could even see that I wasn't so alone anymore.
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A/N:This story is different. Some of you may think that the hurt is over-exaggerated in this fiction, but I wanted it that way. I wanted people to know what it would feel like if you loved someone for a certain interval and then it was all over.
update:1.6.09
Before, I was thinking that maybe I should continue in with this one-shot. To add a bigger plot to it, but I decided against it. I think it would be best if I left it as it is. Like one of the reviewers said, it would take away some of the intensity the story had.
Review if you wish!