Memories are the blades of my burden. They pierce ever so grudgingly and recklessly inside me; seething through my heart where the bitter truth lies. A truth that cannot be explained through words or images. It is rather understood through some great force that I, myself, cannot decipher. It is like the alluring rays of a sunset with the wind of a blizzard behind you. And all I hope for now, is that my unrequited beloved is alright. That she will not consume anymore misery and fate will treat her more kindly over the years.
And I'm jealous of those men who fought with her. I shed tears for a girl who was forbidden to love. I nearly scream out of misery to realize that our paths could never cross unless it was this ridiculous war. I curse the lonely nights where she laid alone. I seethe in rage for our fate to never be fulfilled. And pity the future for when she is reborn again and again to fight in a meaningless battle from which gives no pride for any knight. I whisper her name against my own master and hope that she will one day whisper mine. I envy those to see her smile. I cannot handle men who had taken to hear her voice through their vile ears for granted. I want to burn the clouds that float above her and the moon that does not shine on her. I raise my fist to the stars that shine in their mocking beauty that she admires so far away. And most of all, I hate her master. I detest all the masters who have summoned her because rising one's hope is as good as giving ones soul to betrayal.
There is a path to a castle that carries my beloved. No matter how many times I walk this trail or hum a little tune, she does not come. Even so, I walk to the walls where she and I are separated. I pass evergreens that fade into shadows that she will always see without me. My eyes linger to a castle illuminated by the rays of the moon and my feet crush the dead autumn leaves of a rising fall. My enchanted soul goes to depths that I cannot dare to dive in. Thus, I walk away. I go back to where my master and his wife sleep unknowingly. Yet I sense this chilly night will be different from all the others.
"Diarmuid..."
I hear a voice behind me. It is probably Grainne's spirit mocking me, a hopeless man. A man without humanity and feels insanity. She must hate me with every fiber of her being. She must despise me for loving another.
"I'm so sorry. Please forgive me one day, darling."
I quietly respond to the nothingness behind me and dwell upon my broken spirit. I am a broken man. A hollow shell of a warrior who once fulfilled his path with battles and a woman he once loved.
"Do you mock me, Lancer?"
I recognize her strong voice.
I pause, realizing that her deep emeralds are intently glaring at my back, unaware of the tears I shed. Saber is the label laid onto a king who once ruled magnificently. King Arthur is ruler only known for her gains and losses. Arturia is my beloved to fight against me. But I do not blame her. I am now a knight who has lost honor.
"Ah, Saber," I try to gently say, "I see that you have not attacked me when I am at my weakest. I am even more in your debt."
"Do you not have any honor? Am I just a woman that you may tease with your presence here every night? You know that we have not finished our battle! Yet you dare to slather my pride by lingering here like a coward asking for a quick death! I expected more from you, knight of Fiona!"
"You take pity on me, however," I turn around to see Arturia angered with her most treasured weapon clasped in two hands, "I seem like a helpless wanderer through this forest...that is why you have not attacked me when I first walked through these woods."
"My master has given me orders to not attack you yet. If you came here and I had my own free will, you would be dead by the time your foot stepped into my masters territory," she spats.
"I implore you to drop the weapon then. There is no need to be hostile when you have not come here to finish our duel." I reply carelessly.
Seeing her angry only ignites my own misery and regret. I most certainly now regret walking through these woods.
"You are mistaken Lancer. It is this day where my master has allowed us to finish our battle. Knight to knight, let us decide who shall win the grail with at least some honor intact."
"I see," I gaze recklessly at her lovely bangs caressing her passionate face, "Again, I must say that I am honored to fight against the king of knights."
I curse myself for allowing those lies to escape my lips.
"I am unsure if I should say the same for you again, Lancer."
I have lost my respect from such a wonderful maiden.
"I know," I smile knowing that she still has dreams of chivalry, "My debt is beyond with what I can compensate with."
My beloved lowers her head and speaks gravely, "Please say no more..."
And for a silent moment, I knew those words were from a girl who fell in love.
Saber charges me viciously with her invisible sword pointed in my direction. I quickly summon my duel blades and deflect her blunt attack carelessly. She rebounds and attempts to land a strike on me again. Our blades clash and make a screeching sound as they are pressured against each other. I see infinitesimal sparks showering from our swords and her deformed reflection on her blade.
"Why do you only defend yourself?" She asks.
My heart can take no more. I have to confess to the woman that be holds more beauty than the universe in her eyes. I have to tell her why I raise my fist to the stars. I have to explain why I envy the men who fought with her. I must tell her the love that harbors my soul into a storm. If I never obtain the grail, then fate must at least grant me one less thing to regret.
"Saber," I manage to say, "I will not hurt you."
I felt the weight of her sword off mine and hesitant steps are taken away from me.
I look up to Saber. I see her gleaming silver armor glisten with a deep navy engraved in her attire and the invisible sword still clutched between two gloves. Her brows furrow in confusion and lips tremble in a way that I cannot understand. Her peach complexion turn ghostly pale and the fire that was once ignited in her eyes becomes extinguished. She is left aghast.
"Is it an order from your master?" She whispers in a passive manner.
"No, that cannot be far more from the truth." The bitter truth.
My heart races and mouth opens; wanting to gush out all my fears, desires, and feelings to the woman who will never be mine. But I know that this battle expects one victor and I can no longer defy Kanneyth. He is the master that expects me to eliminate the woman I must not love. He has ordered me to either come back victorious or not at all if I ever crossed paths with Saber.
"Arturia," i speak gently once again, "kill me."
"What?"
"This battle only expects one victory. We cannot end this in truce."
"Why don't you fight, Lancer?" She whispers.
Saber closes her eyes and clenches her jaw. The hands that carry her history and honor clench the very blade as if Saber forsaken it. I stood up and dropped my weapons; leaving them on the barren ground. Saber still kept her eyes clenched tightly as I slowly approached her and wrapped my desperate arms around her petite figure. I rest my face beside hers and whisper in her ear:
"Saber, I love you."
As soon as I muttered those words, I felt warm tears trickle down my back. The blades that seethed through my heart are released from misery. It was this kind of happiness that sprung from chaos. It is the most powerful happiness I haven't felt in centuries. In this moment, I let go of my limits. In this moment, I held her tightly as if she was the only song of my salvation.
"I thought it was your enchanted curse I fell under," her voice sounds as if it were drowned in puddles of her own misery.
"No," I stroke her silky hair, "this is no curse. Perhaps it is our own fate."
"Even so," her voice begins to break, "I have a duty to fulfill as a servant."
I feel the pierce of her sword through my chest as I lightly kiss her cheek. The pain I felt only brung me bittersweet happiness. A love returned simply makes me smile through all these confinements. Even as the crimson color spreads through my clothing and stain her armor; I feel complete.
As my vision fades, I feel the weight of my world starting to fall. But my beloved catches and holds me in her arms as she grudgingly kneels down. Her green irises stare into mine and then I see her beautiful cosmos twinkling above me. Her face is the universe that carries the stars and this world. Her body rules this universe as a just king. And I am nothing but a boy, admiring her sky so far away.
I see a broken girl with tears endlessly escaping her eyes. Yet they land upon my face as if I catch her sadness and carry it. My hand shakes and reaches to her skin; where I caress her troubled face and wipe away the rainfall.
"I did not want to dream of this kind of love," she takes my hand in hers and kisses it and holds it dearly, "yet being with you, Lancer...never made me want to be with someone so much."
"One day, we shall live in a house on top of a hill. You will befriend my kinsmen and we shall have lots of children. Britain finally will see its most finest king and I," a tear escapes a corner of my eye, " I will be the happiest man ever to live and love such a woman."
She slightly chuckles and her face relaxes, "Lots of children, my dear?"
Saber has graced me with her smile.
"Lots of them indeed, my darling; all of them will be little warriors themselves."
"I am glad," she leans down and rests her forehead against mine, "I am glad to love you so.
Glowing petals of blue start to consume my body and I begin to disappear from this world. Saber notices this yet her eyes gaze intently upon my face. She almost appears angered by my sudden departure. But as I squeeze one of her hands, the sadness on her face only remains. Saber leans even more to me and gives me her farewell. Her warm lips press passionately against mine. And as I return my love to her, my soul gives into a golden light. Leaving Saber with a flower and my last whisper haunting her ears:
"No matter how many centuries pass, I will never give up on searching for our fate."
Memories are the blades of my happiness. They stand ever so wonderfully and magnificently beside me; holding my heart where a lovely truth lies.
."