"Sunlight?"

"Yeah, but it's not instantaneous. It'll take maybe an hour, hour and a half to melt all the skin off their bones."

"I was thinking it'd be like an explosion or something."

"Nah, a few minutes in the sun and their skin starts to sizzle. Melts clean off their bones."

"What about garlic?"

"Makes them shit," Tails says, folding his arms across his chest.

"Doesn't hurt them or..?"

"Well, depends what you define hurt as. I mean, butt explosions are no laughing matter, if you ask me. Burning hot diarrhea? No thank you."

"I didn't think vampires pooped, honestly," Sonic says, scratching his chin. "That just doesn't seem like a thing."

"Anything's a thing if you can imagine it."

"I don't understand."

"Like, okay," Tails says, gesturing wildly. "Vampires explode."

"You..." Sonic sighs. "You just said they didn't. That the skin melted off their bones. Organ goop, Miles. Remember? REMEMBER?"

"Yeah, Sonic. I said that. I SAY things, okay?"

"I don't understand."

"I know you don't. Gimme a second."

"No."

"FINE. Vampires explode."

"Sonic wins? Sonic wins!"

"Kinda, but don't be a dick about it." Tails grunts in frustration. "Look, vampires do what you want them to do because they're made up. So, we're both right. We both win."

"That's gay."

"You're gay."

"Vampires are gay."

"Often times, yes. Yes, they're very gay."

"Racist."

"Look, I didn't say that was a bad thing. They're vampires man. If you want them to be gay, they're gay. It's all a part of using your imaaaaaagination."

"That's gay."

"Kiss me on the mouth."

"Okay."

Sonic kisses Tails on the mouth. Tongues are involved.

"Now you're gay. Shut up."

"Holy shit," Sonic says. "How did you do that?"

"Nevermind that, my boy! We've got more important things to talk about. Like vampires."

"I don't wanna talk about vampires, man. That's extremely lame."

"It isn't lame! Not if you use your imaginaaaaaation."

"Stop. Stop doing that I don't like it."

"What."

"The way you say imagination. It's obnoxious."

"Imaaaaginaaaaation."

"Yeah, that. Stop that."

"No, fucker. The point is that everybody reading this should submit a vampire Sonic fanfiction."

"...Why?"

"Because fun!" Tails says, flailing. "Magic! Wonder! Spooky! Homosexuality! All of it! We must embrace the vampire."

"This is a very bad idea, Tails."

"Don't look at me. cornwallace is the thing that loves all the bad ideas."

"Goddamnit, cornwallace."

"Right?"

"Look, it's Satanism," Sonic says, matter of factly. "Aint no two ways about it. Vampires are one big Satanism and that don't sit right with me."

"What makes you think that."

"Um. Tails. Hello? Satan. Okay?"

"I don't see the correlation."

"Of course you don't. Your whole life is a lie perpetuated by the liberal media."

"That doesn't-"

Sonic slams his fist against the table. "You're not listening. Hey garson. HEY GARSON."

"My name's Ronald," the waiter says, picking his nose. "Don't know no Garson."

"Gwarsen? Glorjion?"

"Naw man."

"Get me coffee, waiter," Sonic says, turning his attention back to the fox sitting across the table from him in the booth in the restaurant.

"What needs to happen is you need to send a PM to cornwallace, letting him know you wanna submit. Then you set up a docx connection. Once you do that, we get balls deep."

"Balls deep?"

"Balls deep. This will be fun, I promise. cornwallace says so."

"What in the FUCK is a cornwallace?!"

"I don't know," Tails says, dying. "Please submit... and don't forget to read and review."

"You are pathetic," Sonic sez, not even waiting for his coffee. And that's the start of it. Just the start.