{The first paragraph really is just describing my anxiety, I wanted to distract myself so yeah... doubt anyone will like this..}
{Also before any confusion sits in I am not the same author as R9k, I wish I could claim that amazing work as my own but that is the flawless work of Kate-Kane I believe.}
There are moments in life that are the most wonderful and joyous and celebratory, hold onto those moments, they're few and far between. Those moments are what you'll look back on and tell stories about, no matter how small they are, they'll always mean more than what they were at the time. Its beautiful when it happens but it can turn bitter faster than anyone would like to admit in life. The moments where it sends crippling pain through your body and you're left paralyzed on the floor in a puddle of your tears. When your chest feels tight, and you can't breathe just when you think about the feeling. When tears are your best friends and they visit you often. Those moments leave scars that you can't erase, tears in places you can't fix, they have away of sneaking up in your brain and tell you that you're not good enough, that you'll inevitably fuck up in the end because you always do anyways.
Elsa felt that soul wrenching pain ever since she hurt her little sister Anna, and ever since she fell in love with her. She hated herself more than anyone else did she blamed herself for everything wrong that happened and always apologized even when her parents told her it wasn't her fault. Even though it was. She could feel it in her bones it was, and every tear Anna her fault too; for not being a good enough sister, for loving her more than she should, for existing. She was always behind the tears and scars in Anna's life, and Anna was the reason for her own tears and scars and anxieties.
Elsa sat down on her bed and leaned her back against the wall, her hair loose and falling everywhere around her shoulders and somewhat concealing her puffy red eyes and the red stains all down her cheeks as well. Her chest was plagued again by the familiar tightness that made it hard for her to breathe, hard for her to think, hard for her to feel anything but pain. Pain, Elsa didn't know anything else but drowning in the sensation until it claimed her as a victim and often took over herself. The blonde woman did however know one other crippling emotion, love, pure and absolute for Anna, whenever she was even near the red head she could feel her heart soar to the heavens and her head in the clouds. Those where the two things Elsa knew best, pain and love, and every once and a while they got mixed up and became one all together.
There was a soft knock at the door and Elsa knew exactly who it was, it was Anna trying to comfort her once again which only lead to the older one pushing her away and in more tears than when they began. Elsa was hurt more than Anna could see or would want to see, she had parts that were broken that she couldn't get fixed. Parts that Anna wanted to fix, but didn't know how to, so she tried with these little visits.
"Elsa.. I'm worried." The red head said softly as she entered the room and closed the door behind her and locked it as well. She approached the bed before waiting for Elsa's permission to sit on the bed, the red head smiled and leaned over and played with her sister's hair before she smiled weakly. "Why are you always so sad?" she asked genuinely before she returned to her regular position, sitting up. She watched Elsa carefully, she had a look about her that jut sad that she gives up on everything. "Don't tell me you're not, the walls are thin Elsa, I can hear you cry all the time.." She added carefully.
"I can't tell you." Elsa said as she let herself lean into the other girl, this was one of the few times Elsa let herself indulge in little touches from Anna. If I told you, you'd know exactly how fucked up I am. She wanted to spill her guts, to tell Anna, to come clean, to burn all the bridges, but they'd both be living with each other for two more years, and she jus couldn't muster the courage to do so. "I wish I could but I just can't." She said simply and scooted away from Anna to keep her safe.
"Why can't you?" Anna asked, she was hurt, she was on the verge of tears, she wanted to help Elsa so bad but she was always 6 steps behind for every step she took forward. She got up right after Elsa scooted away and sat down on her big sister's lap ad nuzzled herself into Elsa's body. "I want to help Elsa, just let me in for once... please?" She asked as she looked up at the blonde hopefully. The younger sister was determined to get an answer out of Elsa, even if she had to be in this room for hours. She pulled herself to give Elsa a kiss on the cheek before Elsa turned her head to look down at Anna causing they're lips to join and they're noses to crash.
You're enjoying this too much you sick fuck. Her lips are so soft. She tastes like bubblegum. Even when she's clumsy she's absolutely perfect. Stop thinking about her like this she's you're sister. She smells like pineapples. Her lips fit so perfectly with mine. We're meant to be. You're a scumbag, how can you think this. Was this on purpose? No it must have been an accident, who would want to kiss you? Does she feel the same way? Of course she doesn't she's normal, you're sick. Does she know how I feel? You better hope not, or else you'll have to find a new home. God this is awkward. How long has this been going on for? This feels so right. This feels so fuckin wrong. Why would anyone want a fuck up like me?
"Woops sorry." Anna said as she pulled away slowly, rubbing her nose gently and giggling softly. "I guess I'm not gonna get an answer from you." She said and lied down on Elsa's bed and closed her eyes before proceeding to fall asleep.
What the fuck does that mean?