Disclaimer: Hey guys, I just wrote something & I thought maybe I'd share it with you all. I just wanted to thank you all for your continued support, you're all the best! Please enjoy & review…
P.S I don't own anything xoxo
It has been 6 months since Deeks was rescued from Sidorov.
It has been 3 months since Deeks & Kensi's first time together & her getting shipped over to Afghanistan.
It has been 2 months since she found out she was pregnant.
It has been 1 month since she was tortured, lost the baby & then rescued.
Kensi Blye had lost a piece of herself while she was away.
Her weight was at an all-time low, pushing malnourished. Her thighs didn't touch anymore unless she was crossing her legs. Her sudden plummet in weight & happiness had not surprised any member of the team, as they all knew that everyone had their own way of coping with trauma.
They just didn't understand what she was going through.
She never slept anymore. Night mares plagued her dreams, twisting around her & suffocating her into a screaming, blubbering mess. After the baby died, she had suffered from numerous ghost pregnancies. Each leaving her more distraught & devastated than the last.
Her body was no longer able to conceive, nourish or care for a baby. It had started to shut down due to its new weight.
The idea that she was responsible for killing another life that she could have so easily have saved consumed & destroyed her.
She hadn't told anyone about being pregnant.
Her pain was killing her & she had nobody to help her through it.
Kensi sat on her couch, feet out stretched on the nearby coffee table. The only light that entered her apartment was from the moon & even that was pushing it. She just wanted to sit in the dark & do nothing.
She picked up the remote in her clammy hand, finding it difficult to shuffle the plastic up to her fingers. Her bitten nails hovered over the red button that would bring the television to life, when she heard a knock at the door.
She sucked in a raspy breath & stopped moving, hoping that her new found stillness would hint to the intruder that she did not want any company tonight.
Another, louder knock pierced through the comfortable silence she had created, she sighed & got up.
The person knocked again as she finally clasped the door handle in her fingers. She twisted & pulled it open.
Her eyes took a second to adjust to the light that was coming from the hallway of her apartment block, but when she recovered she saw Deeks. His blonde hair caught the light behind him & it made him luminous. Like an Angel. His muscular build was very pronounced under his grey hoody & remarkably tight jeans.
"Kensi, how are you?"
His gravelly voice surrounded her as everything swum in her vision.
"Fine, I'm fine."
He eyed her dubiously, His ocean blue eyes scanned her tiny frame in her baggy clothes. The shirt & jeans that would have once hugged her curvy body to perfection, were now baggy & hanging off her in all the wrong places.
"I brought sketti & garlic bread." He said as he presented the plastic bag she had failed to notice, behind his back to her.
"That sounds nice." She said but she didn't move from the door.
"So, uh, can I come in Kensi?"
"Oh, of course, come in!" she said as she jumped to the side of the door.
He looked at her puzzled before he slowly stepped in.
She flicked on a light & he took in the state of her apartment.
"Sorry about the mess. I just, wasn't expecting anyone…"
"Don't worry its fine."
He set down the food on top of her cluttered coffee table & flopped on her lounge, shifting uncomfortably for a second as he sat on the remote, before picking up the plastic device & turning the TV on.
He could hear Kensi stumbling around in the kitchen, before she brought out some plates & cutlery.
She sat down next to him & let out a sigh before they both glued their eyes to the television.
After watching most of America's next top model, they had opened the spaghetti & the garlic bread. She didn't realise how hungry she was. She ate until she was full for the first time in ages.
A flood of warmth entered her body as her being came to life, her fingers & toes were finally warm, her stomach sighed in contentment & her lips lifted into a heavy grin. Her tired eyes began to droop without a prompt & she succumb to it. She was finally asleep. Deeks looked over at his partner, his blue eyes hovering over her frail body & locking on her beautiful features. Kensi's body sagged against him & he wrapped his arms around her.
"What's happening Fern?" he said as he placed a delicate kiss to the top of her head, sighing in content as her smell filled his nose.
Their bodies fit together like an intricate jigsaw puzzle as he lay down, bringing her with him. Her breaths fanned over his neck as she nuzzled closer. He shut his eyes, as let the darkness consume him as his eyelids closed.
Kensi woke up the next morning, what could have been a few more hours of sleep was not, due to the early morning sun creeping in through the half drawn curtains, she yawned & began to stretch her body, feeling her arms around his muscular chest.
She shifted closer, knowing that she should probably move, for the sake of their partnership. But thoughts of their night together consumed her & she knew that they were past destruction.
Deeks' arms encircled her body & pulled her closer to him, she subconsciously breathed out a sigh of relief & just allowed him & all of his calming, ocean filled scent to surround her.
"Good morning Fern" he said, shooting her a crooked smile as he started to wake up.
She just smiled at him, bringing her head back to the crook of his neck, her lips close to his neck.
She could get used to this. Just him, waking up with her. He provided all the comfort that she needed right now, but she was struggling with the burden of what could have been. He would be guttered & probably hate her. He always had wanted to be a father, to prove to himself & everyone else that he was nothing like his own dad. She already knew it, but raising a child would give him the peace of mind that he needed, ever since making that pact with Ray.
He deserved a child, a baby him that donned features that were so similar to his own. Someone who could love him unconditionally & be unbroken by the world, the way that they were.
She couldn't tell him that she lost all of that for him. It would kill him.
A wave of love & warmth fluttered through her as she considered her baby with Deeks, before a tightening sensation filled her with darkness & hatred.
It was all her fault.
Deeks' hand stroked gently up & down his partners back & side. He relished in the tightening muscles beneath his fingertips & the hisses of breath in his ear as she tried not to jolt away from his touch. Her hips tilted into his side as she tried to gently shake the hands that were ghosting over her.
A smile filled his face as she moved closer into him, almost disappearing as she pushed herself into him.
He could feel a buzzing underneath them & he reached to grab his phone, that wasn't there. His fingers retreated from her side to the back of the couch, deftly dipping behind the cushions in a search for his mobile.
His fingers were met with something sticky, a few coins & something that was cold & plastic, it was the length of the pen, but significantly fatter. He pulled his hand back from the couch, bringing the object with him. In the orange glow of the morning, he could make out white plastic.
He brought it closer to his vision.
A pregnancy test.
He looked down at his partner who had returned to sleep, tucked into his side.
The test displayed a bright red cross.
Positive.
He tensed as something inside him sunk. Was she pregnant? Whose was it? What was happening?
His breaths came in short gasps as something very similar to a panic attack took him. The plastic item was dropped from his hand & his hands returned to cover his face.
His new jarred movements had woken Kensi & she looked up at him with puzzled, concerned & very tired eyes.
"Deeks? Are you okay?"
He didn't respond as she sat up & caressed his face, her long fingers against his stubble, gently stroking along his pulse point.
"Deeks…"
She tried to stir him from his panic attack, but with little success.
She straddled his lap, picked up both of his hands & guided them to her waist. His calloused fingers traced along the underneath of her shirt, just skimming the skin of her hips, before growing braver & keeping them there.
She leant down, her face filled his view & he began to calm down. One of her hands rested on his chest & the other cupped his face. His hands clamped down on her hips, before releasing the warm skin & travelling up her spine & around her sides as he pulled her into him.
She released her hold of him & allowed herself to be swept up in the hug. He held her almost crushingly close & she returned the favour, sensing his urgency.
He kissed the top of her head & his arms released her a little bit.
She peppered gentle fairy like kisses along his jaw & his heart rate & breaths returned to normal.
"Deeks, are you okay?" she asked as she stared up at him with her gorgeous mismatched eyes.
He let out a quick nod, as he focussed mainly on controlling his breathing.
One of his hands let go of her & scrapped the floor as he searched for something. It returned, holding something that was just out of her sight.
He took in a heavy, ragged breath & brought it to rest in her view.
She sucked in an almost panicked breath as he looked down at her expectantly.
"Deeks, I-I I'm so sorry, I should have told you before it's just…"
She looked up at him, his eyes brimming with tears. He just nodded his head & shut his eyes, urging her to continue with her explanation.
"I took it awhile after our, after our, our um night together & it said, it said…"
Her voice cracked as tears started to swim across her vision.
"It said that I was pregnant." She said as she broke down in tears.
Deeks hands & arms pulled her closer as she sobbed.
"But when I uh, when I got captured in Afghanistan, I got beaten a lot & for 2 days straight I just couldn't, there was just so much, so much blood…" she stuttered out with a choke.
He pulled her even closer, sobs starting to wrack his own body.
"I just knew that I had, that I had, lost the baby." She said in a barely audible whisper.
He closed his eyes as tears fell down his face, her body shook as the broke down.
"We were, pregnant?" he asked her in a small voice.
She just nodded into his chest, feeling some relief that she was no longer keeping this secret all by herself, but feeling upset that she had lost the baby.
"Kens, we rescued you 3 months ago, is that how long you've been keeping this?"
"I'm so, so sorry." She said as her tears started to ease off.
"We were pregnant?" he asked again. His blue, bloodshot eyes searched for hers as she lifted her head off his chest to look at him.
He sat up, she went with him, still straddling his lap. He brought his knees up & she rested against them gently.
She looked to the side of the couch as he brought one of his hands up to cup her cheek, brushing the tears away with his calloused finger.
He didn't know what to say & neither did she. He wanted to tell her that it was alright & that it didn't matter, but he wasn't alright & it did matter.
She leant against his hand, & stared into his eyes, completely lost for words.
Kensi shifted forward on her hips, & got even closer to him. He bit his lip & then pulled her into him, joining their lips in the only form of communication that they found successful anymore. She rocked into him, pressing her chest flush against his. His hands travelled down her sides, cupping the curve of her jeans for a second before returning to her face & neck.
They broke apart quickly, for a breath before they re-joined their lips.
They poured out their sadness, frustration & anger. They spoke volumes about the troubles that were plaguing their mind & let out the grief of losing their child.
She didn't realise she was crying until the warm salted water began to creep down her cheeks.
With a sob from her, they parted & held each other close.
What could he say? He stumbled on his words, while tears slipped down her cheeks.
"You know it wasn't your fault, right?"
She shook her head as she cried. It broke his heart to see her this way & it destroyed it beyond repair that their child had died.
Did she want a child? Or had she just prepared herself to be ready for one? Was it hurting her more than him? He couldn't even imagine the pain of losing something that was counting on you to live. He could tell from the look in her eyes that this was what broke her. Her baggy clothes & tired eyes all made sense now. She had been struggling with this for a long time & she didn't know how to ask for help.
"Kensi, this is not your fault."
She just shook her head again. The message was clearly either not getting through, or not being accepted.
"Princess?"
She looked at him, her mismatched eyes looking sorrowfully into his.
"I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are feeling Kensi. It hurts me that we lost our child & it kills me to see you this way. I would have loved to have had a baby, Kensi, especially with you. But please don't shut me out. Let me in, we can heal together. You already know how to help me through a panic attack, you know almost everything about me & I'm pretty sure that I know everything about you." He said as he laced his arms around her, pulling her close.
She pulled back a little bit.
"What don't I know about you?" she said with a soft voice.
"You don't know that I used to make furniture, you don't know that I was in foster care for a while & you don't know how much I love you."
"You-You love me?"
"I do. I love you so much that it hurts me when we're apart, it kills me to see you in pain & it breaks my heart to see you with other guys. I love you Kensi Blye, I've loved you from the day I first met you at that MMA gym & I don't think I could ever stop. When all I see & feel is darkness, you bring me light. You haunt my dreams at night & I wouldn't have it any other way."
She blinked her eyes while gaping her mouth.
"God you suck at communication." He said with a smile as he joined their lips once more.
She was unresponsive & he started to worry before she came alive under his touch. Their kiss was frantic & needy & passionate. It was everything that she couldn't express, it was all of his sorrow & heart ache & just everything.
She parted from him quickly & threw off her shirt.
Even though they were both hurting, he knew that they could both heal with each other.