Blame It On The Firewhiskey – Rating M
Summary – "Blame It On The Firewhiskey, that is what I should do!" Harry Potter reminisces about how he ended up married to three women, Hermione Granger, Lisa Turpin and Lily Moon, all because of some Firewhiskey.
Challenge – Taboo Challenge, Polygamy
Pairings – Harry/Hermione/Lily M/Lisa, Neville/Pansy, Ron/Daphne, Dean/Millicent, Crabbe/Parvati
-Blame It On The Firewhiskey-
Pregnancy Section, St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies, London, England
14th August 1997
That bloody Firewhiskey is a pain in the arse. Yes it got me the girl I was in love. Yes it gave me the courage to snog the Leopold print thong that she wore off her firm arse. Yes it got me the courage to shag her that much that I managed to reduce her bookish IQ of 189 to single figures.
What I did not expect to end up losing my virginity to her, was getting to shag two of the smartest and quietest girls in Hogwarts, Lisa Turpin and Lily Moon, straight after. Yes, I will admit that brainy girls do turn me on, especially when they bite their lips when they are thinking like how Lily, Lisa and Hermione do.
The best thing about those brainy girls is when I use my Parseltongue abilities on them; they end up having that many screaming orgasms that it makes them lose consciousness for a few minutes. The Firewhiskey made me more willing to give the brainy trio more than what they wanted and their IQ ended up going from triple to single figures.
The only problem was that after I had sex with them, the night being the night of the infamous Sixth Year Drinks Fest that started when my father, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin decided to organise one for their Sixth Year, we forgot the contraceptive spell, meaning that I got all three of them pregnant. It was the fault of the bloody Firewhiskey I tell you!
They just couldn't keep away from me, my trio of sexy shaggable brainboxes. I tried to stop having sex with them but they were constantly horny. It was either having sex with me or getting Tracey Davis to have sex with them…I knew then that I would be having loads of sex!
Because of getting them pregnant, I knew that I would have to get married, especially following the Nobility Heritage Act stating that a Head of an Ancient and Most Noble House must marry one woman per title that he held. The advantage was I had three houses under my control, the Ancient and Most Noble House of Potter, which I married Hermione under, the Ancient and Most Noble House of Peverell, which I married Lily under, and the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black, which I married Lisa under.
If only I would have remembered the bloody contraceptive spell, which I blame the Firewhiskey for, I would not be sitting here, looking around, getting Lisa threatening to cut my balls off with a cutting curse, minus a numbing charm, should I even think of having sex with her again!
Oh well, at least I am not the only one who is in my situation. I can see Neville Longbottom sitting opposite me, his wife Pansy who he was forced to marry after getting her pregnant, relieved, Pansy having given birth.
On the next bed they have just brought in my friend, Ron Weasley, and his wife Daphne (Greengrass) in and she is threatening to kill him. Who knew that the Slytherin Ice Princess would have ever had sex with Ron 'The Slytherins Are Evil' Weasley? I assume that it was the Firewhiskey that caused him to do it.
I had to laugh as I remember last week, leaving here with Hermione, I saw Dean Thomas come in with his wife, Millicent (Bullstrode), and she wasn't happy. There again she was betrothed to Vincent Crabbe before Dean got her pregnant because he had too much Firewhiskey!
Crabbe was happy with his new wife though, having got Parvati (Patil) pregnant, he ended up having a taste of India, or at least that was what he described it anyway, as far as I can recollect.
After a few hours of waiting, I am sent out of the way to inform Malvern and Emma Turpin that their daughter who we have decided to name Harold Orion Black. It was what Emma Turpin said to me afterwards that made me smile, especially as Voldemort was finally gone, killed by orgasm.
"All will be well Lord Black, all will be well."
-Blame It On The Firewhiskey-
A/N – Based on characters and themes introduced in the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling. Her rights as authors of the series are respected.
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