Chapter One – And It was over
Looking out over the sparkling sea you wouldn't think it held death, that it ruined everything. But it did. At least it did for me. It held nothing magical for me that it once did. And I felt cold towards it and angry. Something I wasn't likely to get over for a while.
Seagulls squawked over head and I stared up at them souring, lithely even with no wind. Oh to be that free, to go wherever you wanted with no one to make you feel guilty about leaving. Nothing to feel connected to until you decided to connect. Yeah the scavenging wasn't so high on my list of pluses about them. But who cares, that aside it seemed so perfect.
Maybe when I die I will be reincarnated as one, or maybe I will just be with Jacob that would be even better. The seagulls seemed so beautiful when they were soaring, harmless above. So peaceful. It reminded me of a book I had once read called 'Jonathan Livingston Seagull' it was all about freedom and the right to follow whichever path you chose. I didn't have a path anymore; my path disappeared with the person who created it. There was nothing left to hold onto and I was lost. Floating on the ocean, discarded, numb. Maybe I would still be grounded if I didn't attach myself so tightly. But he was gone and he was never coming back.
Ever since that day, when I had spent 8 hours standing beside this timeless bay in the blistering sun, I hated it. Watching the divers drag . . . well it was the most terrifying, heartbreaking soul destroying thing that had ever happened to me. I saw the sea in a different way after that.
My chest clenched painfully and I turned my eyes from the beautiful, ugly water. Maybe coming here today wasn't the best idea; mind you it was probably better than facing all the familiar people. Jakes friends, Billy and all the others who lived on the reservation. I doubt they wanted to me either; I had always been with Jake so to see me without him.
Why did it have to be sunny today, why couldn't it rain, it least the rain didn't hold painful memories. At least sometimes when it rained, you couldn't see anything and you could disappear into and forget about what's left behind. I wish I could do that now.
The sun appeared from behind a cloud and it felt like Jake smiling, I looked up expecting him to be wading towards me through the still water, a smile pulling at my lips. But there was nothing but the flat surface and my memories. My smile fell and I glared at the water. Seaweed floated in on the waves like green hair, beautiful under the water but gross out. I fingered the hem of my dress and stared. Jake was gone so there was nothing to stare at, no sun to follow with my eyes. Just the vast expanse of water, the dull, ugly, killing water. A stray tear escaped one of my eyes. Stop crying, I shouldn't cry so much over Jake. No one seemed to cry anymore. I couldn't understand that. Was Jake not special to them or were they just to numb to feel any sadness.
Floating beside the broken Jetty was a shoe and a lump rose in my throat, it was Jakes shoe the one he had lost the day the Jetty broke. It was rotting and the lining was falling apart. It must have been floating in and out with the tide. That's why it had not disappeared into the murky depths yet.
Why did this have to happen? If he had just jumped when he was gong to, if I hadn't of stopped him. Jake would still be here. It was all my fault. The water lapped at my boots and I sprang backwards as if I had been stung. I couldn't go in there, I couldn't let the water touch me or I touch the water. It held to much pain, to much distress.
Of all the things that could happen to Jake. He could have been bitten or shot or stabbed. But no, he had to drown. How was it possible? It had been two weeks and I still had not wrapped my head around that. No one understood even after the divers had explained, still no one understood. I swept my hair from over my shoulder, to now my back. I had grown it really long for Jake but now all I wanted to do was chop it all off. Could I do it though, could I take away a memory? I ran my fingers through it and sighed. No I couldn't do it. That answered that. Just like I couldn't watch Van helsing anymore or the brothers Grimm, or Romeo and Juliet. And how I couldn't read the classics anymore. Wuthering heights lay discarded under my floor boards. The only thing I kept in my room that reminded me of Jake was the photo of us with our foreheads pressed together. I was smiling brightly in that photo and Jacobs was staring right into my eyes. I also kept some of his clothes in my room; one of his t-shirts was under my pillow.
Jake stood up and wandered along the beach, I didn't follow I was too busy lying on his hoodie and soaking up the sun. It felt gorgeous.
"Jake come sunbathe with me," I pleaded for him to come back, with my eyes closed. Jake laughed.
"Bells, you've been sunbathing for at least an hour, I don't want to damage my skin cells anymore," he said jokingly but didn't come and lie down. A light breeze whistled through the trees and I shivered. Ugh cold and hot, not good when it was this sunny. There was too much moisture in the air now. Which meant it would probably rain today. Oh goody.
"Bella come and walk with me on the jetty," Jacob called loudly. I sat up to see where Jake was, he was standing beside the jetty. I didn't want to go on there it looked dangerous. I stood up and frowned at him. I didn't want him to get hurt or me for that matter. Bad luck was mandatory for me, so I was too scared to do things that might bring it on.
That's what I was like then, scared and cowardly. I wasn't like that anymore; I didn't care what happened to me. Nothing compared to losing him. So I wasn't worried about anything that could hurt me as much as that and nothing could.
I picked up a dry pebble and skipped it over the water. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Wow the longest I have ever skipped. Jake would be proud. He would want to celebrate my achievement and that usually ended up in a trip to the infirmary.
"Jacob please don't go it looks like it might break," I cried desperately. It really did look dangerous and I was scared. If it broke and we fell in that far out. We could drown, or something. It seemed like a clear day but the waters around here could turn at any moment. It was too risky. More wind blew through the trees and straight through me, I shivered.
"You worry too much Bells, its fine, come on," Jake had run back to my side and was pulling me along.
"No! Jake," I yelled and he let go of my hand. His eyes glimmered and I knew that look, I took a step backwards. But he already had me; Jake threw me over his shoulder and ran down the Jetty with me bouncing around above him.
I can hardly remember what it feels like to hold his hand, or be held in his arms. If he came back I would never let him go. But there was no chance of that. Tears welled in my supposedly bone dry tears ducts, no not again. I had cried too much over this boy already. I blinked them back and sighed.
"Jake. Put. Me. DOWN" I yelled, he didn't reply and continued to run all the way to the end. My ribs hurt from all the bouncing around I had been doing on his hard shoulder. Ouch, ouch, ouch. My ribs would all be bruised by the end of this. Thanks Jake. I scowled.
"Jake, damn it, put me down," I yelled as close to his ear as possible. Okay bad idea he swayed dangerously towards the edge and I screamed and screwed my eyes tight shut awaiting the water. We were going to fall and Jake was going to fall on top of me and I would sink and die and die and die. I tried to right myself, clawing at his t-shirt in a desperate attempt to pull myself up.
"Ha! Only kidding Bells," Jake laughed and put me down. I stumbled and almost toppled into the water . . . again. JAKE!!!!!!!!
"Whoa," Jake mumbled and pulled me back by my shirt. I was angry more than angry, I shoved him. A scowl was etched onto my face.
"Idiot why did you do that, I pretty much had a heart attack," I yelled. I was walking at him and he had to stumble backwards away from me.
"Relax Bella its fine, its not breaking," he said calmly and restrained my oncoming hands which were going to punch at his chest. Relax, RELAX! He almost threw us both into the water on purpose, when we were at least 200 metres into the ocean and that was a lot of water to swim back. No! I struggled with his strong arms and pulled a hand out of his restraint. My fist flew at him and it caught him smack in the mouth.
"Ouch!!!" I yelled. Jake laughed and licked the blood from his slightly slit lip.
"Damn it Jake, my hand really hurts." I groaned,
"Does this mean another trip to the infirmary?" he asked still laughing. I paled, ugh hospitals. I shook my head and clutched my throbbing hand. Jake turned around and walked to the edge. He smiled back at me. And it was contagious, a smile replaced my scowl. But his out shone mine it warmed my face and made my belly swirl. I walked towards him and clutched his hand tightly. Feeling safe.
"See its fine, I could probably jump up and down," Jake proceeded to jump up and down on the end of the Jetty excitably.
"And it wouldn't . . ." there was a sickening crack, a loud snap and splash. I screamed as the jetty collapsed underneath us. Damn it Jake.
A tear fell down my cheek and I wiped it away, feeling my scar. My lips tugged upwards but didn't form a smile. What good did it do to smile anyhow? It would never be real again. My scar, I laughed lightly, broken, fake. It didn't sound like me, I wasn't like me. I was the broken, hollowed out shell of a person. I had gone with Jake, I had forgotten about the person left behind. Bella had disappeared.
I flailed in the water not expecting to be plunged into it, my muscles had locked and I was sinking into the icy water faster than I could save myself. But I still had time to be angry with Jake, worse than angry. Grizzly bear pissed off. Hungry pissed off. VERY pissed off.
"You were saying Jake," I growled and gasped as sea water filled my mouth. Jake seemed just as panicked as I was. So I forgave him just a little.
"Bells hold on to me," Jake shouted, it took me about half of a second to comply with his request. I grabbed his shoulders and let him pull me along, through the water. He was a strong swimmer but my weight was slowing him down a little.
I sobbed and buried my face in my hands. Why did it have to happen, why? There was no way he could drown, not being a werewolf; he was too strong, too strong. The water was nothing to him; he would have gotten to the surface in a second. Even at the depth he dove into. My eyes stung from the salt in my tears. Salt water, yuck. He must have swallowed a lot of it. The divers said he was really heavy and yeah Jake was heavy but it took seven of them to pull him out. And all me and the guys did was watch.
There was a splash and I looked up blinking away my tears. Ripples from the impact were spreading out towards me and fading. The shoe floated in and flopped over on the pebbles; I flinched and looked away up at the blue sky. An eagle was flying away with a fish in its powerful talons. It hardly seemed to flap its wings even with the added weight of its prey. So effortless. The eagle seemed so much more beautiful than the seagulls but less free maybe. Locked in one place.
We lay panting on the shore, pebbles dug into my back and I winced. But I was too panicked to care. I sat up sharply and relief washed over me, we were alive, we were safe and if Jake ever put us in that sort of danger again I would murder him. I flew at Jake and covered his face in kisses.
"Oh god, I love you, I love you," I cried breathless. Jacob laughed,
"I love you too Bells," he murmured. I was so glad we were okay. I pulled away and smiled down at him, he smiled back my smile, my sunny smile. The sun seemed even hotter now that I was soaking wet and I soaked in as many rays as I could. Um, gorgeous.
"I've lost one of my shoes," he mumbled, I laughed and he laughed and I continued to laugh until tears rolled down my cheeks and my belly ached.
Jake was always good at that at making me laugh, we were always laughing, when I tripped and fell over his tool box we laughed. When I dropped the bowl of cold custard and it went all up my clothes we laughed. When I lost my balance getting onto his bed and toppled over the side we laughed. When he left a skateboard at the bottom of the stairs and I stepped onto it and rolled into the wall. We laughed. Even though I had to go to the infirmary with a concussion, it was funny.
My lips formed a smile and my cheeks ached. I had not smiled in so long. Not since I last saw my favourite smile, his smile. The day he died, his smile was fixed on his face, a constant sunbeam. It made me want to stay with him forever. To watch him smiling with each dive he did and watch him joking and laughing with his friends. Jake was happy with his friends, happy because I turned up and brought them all food. Happy because I stayed and waited while they ate. Happy because he loved me and I loved him. But I was never his soul mate and deep down I always knew that. Jake never mentioned it but it was always there eating away at the back of our minds. An almost constant distraction. Jacob promised me that he would always love me no matter who came along. It didn't matter to him. At first I hadn't liked going to the school on the reservation but after a while I enjoyed it. Because of Jacob I was happy there. When we fought for the first time, I realised that we weren't supposed to be together, but I couldn't lose him then. Not when I had no one to pick me back up.
When we stood up, I looked at Jake and noticed he was dry. How had he dried off so fast? I was still soaked; Jake hopped from foot to foot on the scolding pebbles. I was still soaked. My clothes stuck to my body with the water and sand. I itched at my arms where the sand had collected.
"Jacob how come your dry already?" I mumbled and put my hand to his arm. Jake flinched away a little. He never did that.
My imagination was running away with me and a lump formed in my throat. The panic for his safety was taking over. His pain, my pain.
"I don't know I just am," he muttered nervously. His arm felt warm, no boiling, fiery. I winced at the temperature. Oh no, oh god Jake.
"Christ Jake you're boiling," I said and put a hand to his forehead. It burnt my hand and I pulled it back reflexively. He must be sick, oh god we had to leave. If he was sick we had to go tell Billy or . . . go to the infirmary, yeah the infirmary. He shouldn't be this sick. Jacob didn't get sick.
"You're burning up, oh my god, that sort of temperature isn't healthy we need to get you too the hospital." I cried desperately. He tore my hand away roughly. Jake seemed off. Even more reason for him to see Billy or a doctor. Jake was never off at least not with me.
The lump in my throat was getting bigger and I swallowed. Jake was scowling at me and that meant something was very wrong. Very, very wrong.
"No! Bella I'm fine, just leave it," he said angrily. Jake never got angry with me, what was with him? I dreaded to think. If it was something bad. I paled and shivered.
"Leave it? But you could be really sick; your skin should be blistering at that temperature." I croaked, I was far beyond concerned about this. I was hysterical.
"Bella just drop it," He shouted. No! I wouldn't drop it; he was hiding something, something important. I walked in front of him and folded my arms. Jake would tell me or he would not see me tomorrow or the next or the next until he told me the truth.
"No!" I challenged. Jake's brow furrowed and his jaw clenched. His hands balled into fists at his sides and I gulped.
"Bella!" he growled. Jacobs's whole body was shaking and I grabbed his arm to see if he was okay.
This was like something out of a Stephen King novel. He convulsed and shimmered, what was going on? The pebbles under his feet clattered together and cracked. I pulled my hand away. I stumbled backwards away from him. I was scared. No terrified would be the right word. Jake was . . . he was . . . scaring me. Jacob never scared me not when he woke up in the morning and stomped around looking for school clothes. Angry that it was so early in the morning. He never scared me when he wrestled with his friends and they crushed him. But he was scaring me now.
"Jake," I said shakily and he exploded his clothes ripped apart and fell to the floor. Fur came out of his back and his face and he fell onto all fours. He wasn't human any more, he was a wolf. There was no way. Yes! I was definitely living a Stephen King novel. I stumbled backwards away from Jacob . . . the wolf. But I wasn't fast enough Jake was circling me as if I was a frightened deer. He bared his teeth and snarled. It was the single most menacing thing I have ever seen in my life. I squeezed my eyes tight shut and counted to three. When I opened my eyes he would be gone. I opened then and an angry growl ripped from the wolf. I stumbled backwards. And he sprang.
My shoulders were shaking violently and I breathed in deep breaths to calm myself down. How could this still affect me after we had played in the woods, with him in wolf form? When he had licked all of my face in wolf form? It wasn't natural to still be afraid after that.
What was he? Some sort of wolf? His black eyes stared down at me angrily and I thought, hoped, prayed that Jake would get of and turn back into him. No such luck, the hackles on his back rose and his teeth were bared. One of Jacobs's claws scratched down my face and I screamed, Oh god it stung, it hurt. My skin felt floppy and it was bleeding on to the floor I could see that from the corner of my eye. God it bled a lot. He bit into my shoulder and I screamed louder. I felt my flesh tear apart in his powerful jaws and I whimpered, my throat was too dry for screams now but I was in agony.
"Jacob stop, please stop." I cried. There was a tearing sound and a chunk of my shoulder was ripped away. Bile rose in my throat and my screams echoed around the lake, Jacob froze. The wolf's expression changed from anger to agony and it let out a heartbreaking howl. Jake, the wolf turned and ran into the trees. Tears streamed down my face and I sobbed. Blood pooled around my head. I could feel it, wet on my cheek still pouring from the slash. Oh my god. He was a, a monster. Terrifying, hideous. He, he, my boyfriend, Jake was a monster. How long had he been like that? How long, oh god.
I don't care Jacob, I don't care that you hurt me, I just, I need you. Please come back please. My unspoken pleas were pathetic, worthless. Jacob wouldn't come back to life for me. What was I? Nothing. I wasn't his soul mate; I wasn't the person that kept him here. Nope I was just a helpless bystander. The divers had not addressed me when Jake had been pulled out they addressed Sam. And he spoke in a shaky, weak voice while I wept uncontrollably. That's how bad that day was, Sam's voice was never shaky. It was strong. It was the voice of an alpha. Mind you Jake was always supposed to be the alpha. Billy should have been the alpha but the wolf gene had skipped a generation. So it had passed on to Jake and his friends. Sometimes I wished it hadn't.
Vampires made my boyfriend turn into a monster, it was there fault they started changing when they turned up. I shuddered. The mythological world did not worry me that much. There had to be something spooky going on in the world otherwise where would the stories come from? Apparently the vampires had come back two years before I moved here. Well started visiting the north eastern peninsula more often. Vampires didn't stay in one place. So why had it taken so long for Jake and his friends to change. I would say age but what did I know I didn't morph into a giant dog. In fact there weren't any female wolfs. They were all male, how sexist.
A brief smile lit my face but it didn't stay for long. It disappeared with the tide. As the water went out Jakes shoe came in.