Request by The Night Ninja.
Thank you so much for sending in this request!
o-o-o
Trust was like a fragile wall. It could easily be built up, and what was on the other side could feel safe and protected without a worry in the world. This trust allows them to believe that nothing could destroy the wall; that it was invincible. But it could just as easily be knocked down, letting demons invade the fortress. It only takes one little push for the first crack in the infrastructure to appear. Before long, everything would shatter. It is possible to rebuild the wall, but never as strong as it was before. The wall, although fragile before, would be just as good as rubble.
Ponyboy Curtis had thought that his wall was strong. It had taken many blows without so much as a crack. But it suddenly all started to go downhill… and it all started with the death of his parents. After his parents had perished in an auto wreck, his eldest brother, Darry, had to take care of him and his other brother, Soda. He had to give everything up for them, but that also meant throwing the weight of the world on Ponyboy's idle shoulders.
"Seriously? A 'C' on the test?" Darry screamed, slamming his test paper on the dinner table. "Did you not study for it? How is it so low?"
"I did study! It was just a hard test!" Ponyboy proclaimed.
"If you studied enough, you would have gotten an 'A'! That's what studying does!"
"I told you, Darry, I studied. I studied so hard. I hardly had any sleep."
"Well, you need more sleep for your brain to work!" Darry's eyes narrowed and change his tone of voice to seem like what he said was completely obvious.
Seriously? Ponyboy threw up his hands in frustration. Stress tugged at his hairs so hard that it felt like he was going to go bald. "More sleep as well as study more? Those are two separate things! I can only pick one. I can't do both, Darry. It's too much."
"You can if you didn't slack off all the time by reading those books and watching those movies."
"But those are what is preventing me from going absolutely insane." Ponyboy could not survive without some sort of outlet. The thought of it made him dread becoming an adult. But… becoming an adult meant not dealing with Darry at his neck all the time… so that had to be better…
"You should study first and play later. You need to have priorities."
"My personal wellbeing and health shouldn't be my top priority?" That was so messed up!
"School should be your top priority. You don't have any health problems. You're just making it up as an excuse. Stop trying to get attention." But he really wasn't kidding! It felt like he was literally going to crack under pressure.
"Are you kidding me?!" Ponyboy just couldn't handle it anymore. Arguing with Darry had to be one of the most frustrating things in the world. Why couldn't he see that he was wrong? For once, why couldn't he see that? "I tried my best, why can't you just accept that? Why do you have to be so damn strict? I need a break, Darry! I can't keep doing this!"
"Well, get an 'A' and we will think about you taking a break. And watch your language before I shove a bar of soap down your throat"
Ponyboy clenched his jaw, curling his hands into fists. He wanted to punch something but knew that doing something like that might get his ass whooped by Darry. Christ, he hated how much his life revolved around his eldest brother. "I've been getting As, but you still never let me take a break! Let me go out or something and actually live my life like a normal fourteen-year-old. You're driving me off a cliff, Darry. I just… I just…" Tears sprung out of the corners on Ponyboy's eyes. His throat tightened so much that it felt like he was being strangled.
"You just what, Ponyboy?"
"I just want to die sometimes."
For a moment, everything was quiet. And for that small, little second, Ponyboy felt hope flicker on a candle. Hope that Darry would finally be the brother that he wanted. But, instead, Darry just narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms. And, just like that, the hope was extinguished before it could get anywhere. Darry rose his eyebrow with disbelief. He rolled his eyes. "Then do it."
Ponyboy had to take a few steps back at his statement, widening his eyes. "What?" he stammered. Did he hear that right? Did Darry really want him to die? Ponyboy felt his heart sink as hands tightened around it.
Darry took his hesitation differently. "That's what I thought. Stop trying to get attention."
"I'm not trying to get attention!" Ponyboy was full on crying now.
"Yes, you were!" Darry screamed. "Crying is just for getting attention! So, stop being so pathetic! If you really want to go, then fine! It would be less burdensome for me! Taking care of you is horrible! You know, sometimes I think you would better off in a boys' home! At least then I wouldn't have to deal with someone so useless!"
"You don't… You don't mean that," Ponyboy blubbered, choking on his tears. He could feel his entire world cracking around him. He felt a numbing feeling start swallowing him.
Darry let out an irritated growl. "I do. Now, Ponyboy, for once in your life, shut up. Go to your room and actually be something worth my time!"
Ponyboy didn't need to be told twice. He spun around on his heel and sprinted to his room, knees feeling like jello. The door slams behind him right before he collapsed on his knees.
It hurt. It hurt!
He heaved as he clutched at his chest to try to alleviate the pain, but it did absolutely nothing.
Did everyone think that about him?
They had to. If Darry thought that about him that way, then the gang definitely did as well. So, they all wanted him gone just like Darry did. He always thought that they enjoyed him there, but now he was having second thoughts. Was his entire life a lie?
Just thinking about that made it hurt even more.
What was he going to do? How was he supposed to face them now knowing this?
He curled himself into a ball, wiping his tears on his jeans. And, just like that, the wall crumbled, and nothing was the same for him again.
o-o-o
Tears were streaming down from his eyes as he held the razor in his shaking hands. He groaned as the blade slid across his pale skin, a trail of blood following behind. The blood slid down his wrists, dripping onto the tiled floor under him. He would have to clean that up later. Darry would probably blow up on him if he left a mess.
Another cut, causing him to wince at the sting.
When had his life come to this? Ponyboy never thought that he would start cutting his wrists. He had heard people at school talking about it, but he never thought anything of it because the thought at the time seemed absolutely ridiculous. But now he could see the appeal.
For a while now, Ponyboy felt different. He felt tired all the time and sluggish. He was just so tired all the time. Even though he started to sleep more, it did nothing to alleviate the problem. Dark bags hung under his eyes, making it seem like both them had been sucker punched.
He was just so sick of everything. He hated his life. And, even though he would be better off dead, he hated how he was expected to keep going, prolonging the torture. Ponyboy just wanted for the numbness to stop. Well, it wasn't total numbness. Ponyboy constantly felt all of his emotions at the same time, but he also felt nothing. He wanted to feel something. Just one thing. The blade brought him that. It brought him pain which outshined everything else. Pain felt better than being numb.
There were several fresh cuts that littered his arms, reopening some of the older, more faded ones. Ponyboy had started cutting a few months ago. At first, he didn't cut at all. Instead, he dug his fingers into his skin or pressed a pushpin into his fingers. But it became clear that those tactics wouldn't be enough for him. So, Ponyboy turned to the blade. He knew he should have stopped when he realized that a blade was slitting his wrists, but he couldn't. It felt like someone was snuffing out all the lights and allowed him to finally take a deep breath.
With every cut, it felt like the further he was from his body, just watching it move on its own, cutting deeper and deeper. He hissed as blood spurted out. He had never cut that deep before.
Christ, he hated his life. It was too hard. How could people just pass through it without any trouble at all?
Worthless. You're worthless.
Life wasn't fair. Why do other people get everything while he is just shat on? Why was he the one who got walked over? It just wasn't fair to him!
He was always taught that hard work would lead to rewards, but Ponyboy knew better now. He was sick of watching everyone around him, who did absolutely nothing, get everything… while he… he just receives nothing.
Another cut.
How many did he do? Too many, that's for sure. His vision started to sway from how much blood he lost. His head felt light. He brought the blade to his skin. If he continued cutting like this, would he die?
Not that it matters anyway. Darry wants you dead anyway. You would be doing him a favor.
And, yes, frankly, Ponyboy didn't care if died. Who would miss him if he killed himself? They probably would be relieved that he was gone. Heck, they probably wouldn't even notice him missing at all. That part stung the most.
Just close your eyes now.
Ponyboy did just that, feeling himself become tired.
Let go.
He would be doing everybody a favor if he just left.
He pressed the blade down on his skin again when the door slammed open and Dally stood there, eyes blown wide at the sight before him. Ponyboy mirrored the same expression, freezing like a deer caught in headlights
Shit. Did he not lock the door?
Before he knew what was happening, Dally lunged at him. "What are you doing?" Dally screamed, grabbing the razor out of his hand. Ponyboy felt too tired to protest, falling to his knees. Everything around him was moving so fast. Towels wrapped around his wrists, soaking up the blood that was still exiting his body. Crap. Darry was going to be so angry. "What the hell were you thinking?"
At that moment, Ponyboy snapped out of his stupor, finally comprehending everything. And the first thing he felt after that was panic. Crap. Shit. Dally caught him. Nobody was supposed to find out. It was his little secret.
Dally was going to tell everyone… and that would mean, Darry was going to know. Oh, no. No! No! Ponyboy let out a cry. Darry was going to be so angry. Ponyboy felt sick to his stomach. He started to hyperventilate, heart pounding so hard against his chest. More tears fell from his eyes, blurring his vision.
He was a failure! They were all going to be disappointed in him!
"Pony, calm down. Are you okay?" Dally asked with concern. Man, he was glad that he found Ponyboy before it was too late. He originally came over to the Curtis house to see if anyone was there to hang out with him. But, when he arrived, nobody was there. He was about to leave when he heard sniffling in the bathroom. Dally called out to whoever was there, but the person didn't answer. Even when he pounded on the door, he received nothing. The light was on inside, so he definitely wasn't hearing anything imaginary. He kept pounding on the door, but, alas, nobody answered. So, he tried to door handle next, and, to his surprise, it wasn't locked. Dally pushed open the door, expecting to see some awkward. normal bathroom activities. He was not, however, expecting to see Ponyboy Curtis covered in his own blood with several cuts covering his arms.
Everything went in slow motion for Dally as he grabbed the razor out of the boy's hands, throwing it in the sink. What the absolute fuck?
Never in his life did he expect to see a Curtis, especially Ponyboy, self-harming. The Curtis brothers were always huge on sticking together and staying alive. They were the least likely people in the gang to get depressed… but Dally, now that he thought about it, should have known something was up from the get-go.
As he was wrapping the boy's arms in towels, he couldn't help but remember how much more reserved Ponyboy had become over the past few months. Dally, and even the gang, never thought anything about it. Ponyboy had always been shy and introverted. Dally should have gotten the hint though when Ponyboy stopped going to the movies, stopped hanging out with anybody (including Johnny), stayed cooped up in his room, barely spoke a word (even when Darry was nagging him), and never smiled. The hints were all so blatantly obvious, but he ignored them… and now there he was, trying to make sure that Ponyboy didn't bleed out.
What had gotten into him? What made him this way?
"I'm sorry, I made a mess," Ponyboy whimpered. "I was going to clean it up right afterward, I swear!"
"Don't worry about cleaning this up, just tell me why you did it," Dally pleaded, but it was like Ponyboy didn't hear him. He kept hyperventilating, shaking his head.
"Please don't tell Darry. Darry would kill me if he found out." He grabbed Dally's leather jacket like it was a lifeline, eyes filled with terror. He could just imagine what Darry would say to him… or do to him. Those thoughts made him even more terrified.
Dally, at that point, was confused. Why was Ponyboy so worried about Darry? "Darry? Why not? He needs to know."
"No!" The grip on his jacket got tighter. He heaved, cucking back a sob. "He already thinks that I'm worthless. I don't want him to think anything less of me."
"What are you talking about, man?" Dally rose his eyebrows. "He doesn't think you're worthless."
"He does too. He told me that he did. He told me that I'm worthless and a burden. He said that he wouldn't care if I died because it would be easier for him."
Those words sent chills down Dally's spine as he froze. His vision was clouded in red. He said that to Ponyboy? What the absolute fuck! "He told you what?"
He knew that Ponyboy was telling the truth with how broken he was. Darry had gone too far. How could he say those things to Ponyboy? He thought that Darry was a good brother, always sacrificing everything for his family and looking out for them. But he was wrong, apparently. No good sibling would say those words.
"Please, don't say anything. Promise me you won't tell anyone," Ponyboy cried out.
Dally just shook his head. "I'm going to do something about it," Dally growled, standing up but Ponyboy pulled him back down.
"Please, Dally. Nobody can know. You weren't supposed to know either. I was supposed to deal with it all alone."
The two of them stared at each other for many, long moments before Dally gave in. He didn't want to upset Ponyboy anymore. During these moments, he saw a scared, hurt, little boy... a boy that he wanted to protect. He nodded. "Fine, but I'll do it if I catch you cutting again. Don't do it anymore, you dig?" Reluctantly, Ponyboy nodded, although he wasn't sure he could just stop like that. But, if seeing the affirmation would make Dally drop the subject, he would do it. "I don't want anything happening to you. I don't know how I would deal if you take this too far."
Ponyboy's eyes widened at those words. He had never seen Dally act this way—so full of raw emotions. Hell, he was almost convinced that Dally didn't care about anything except for Johnny. But there he was, eyes rimmed with strong, caring emotions. At that moment, Ponyboy understood what Johnny had always seen in him.
"Why do you care about me? Nobody cares."
"We all care, but we show it in different ways. And you're not worthless or a burden either. Believe it or not, but you help all of us as well. The gang needs you. It just wouldn't be a gang without you. You're not useless. You're one of the most talented and smartest people I know."
"That's not what Darry said."
"Forget what Darry said!" Dally snapped and Ponyboy flinched. He toned it down. "He's wrong. What he said are all lies to spur you up and make him feel superior. Don't let him get to you. He's not a good brother at all if he hurts you like that."
Ponyboy wiped away his tears, nodding. The words that Dally spoke spread a warmth throughout his body that he hadn't felt in a long time. It felt good. For once, someone was taking the time to make sure that he was okay and showed that they actually cared about him.
It gave Ponyboy hope. He thought it was all lost.
"Now, let's clean everything up."
While Dally was cleaning everything, Ponyboy felt his eyes start to close. He was so tired. He was about to fall completely into slumber when he heard a gasp.
Ponyboy peeked open his eyes and saw Johnny who was staring at his bandaged arms.
"Oh, Ponyboy, you didn't," he whimpered, kneeling down. Dally and Johnny were talking, but it felt like he was listening to them while underwater. His eyes grew heavy as everything turned to darkness.
When Ponyboy woke up again, he was leaning against Johnny on the sofa. Groggily, he sat up and Johnny sent him a gentle smile. It took another minute for Ponyboy to remember what happened. He bolted away from Johnny, patting at his arms which were bandaged and covered in a jacket.
"It's okay, Ponyboy," Johnny soothed. "I know about it. It's alright. Dally told me about how you didn't want to tell anybody. I won't. But, why didn't you go to me when you needed someone to talk to? I thought that you would trust me more since we've been best buddies for so long."
The hurt expression on Johnny's face made Ponyboy feel terrible. He was the reason why he was sad. "I'm sorry, Johnny," he replied, feeling like crying again.
"It's alright… but, promise me that you'll talk to me from now on. Dally too. We'll listen to you. You don't have to go over everything if you're uncomfortable, but just have us in mind. Promise?"
"Yeah, I promise…" The two fell into a comfortable silence for a while. "Hey, Johnny?"
"Yeah?"
"What do you think about me?" A part of Ponyboy wanted to stay oblivious, but, with what Johnny just said to him… he had to be sure Johnny still wanted him as a friend.
Johnny looked a bit surprised at the question. "You're the best person that I know. You've gone through a lot, but you still stay you. Without you here… I don't know if I would even be alive, to be honest. You're like a bright light… all gold and all that. You're my best friend, Ponyboy, which means that you're special to me."
Ponyboy swallowed thickly. "You really think that?"
"Of course, I do."
Warmth was beating out of his heart. A small smile fell on Ponyboy's lips, something he hadn't done in a long time. Johnny looked at him with a bit of astonishment. He had forgotten what his smile actually looked like in those few months. It's crazy how fast the image of something so pure could fade.
Dally walked into the living room at that moment, happy to see Ponyboy smiling. "You're finally awake," he started. "Let's go."
"Go where?" Ponyboy asked, cocking his head to the side.
"Somewhere to have fun. You need it. We all do."
Ponyboy looked at the clock. Darry was going to be home soon. "Darry's going to be mad if I'm not here studying when he gets back."
Dally scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You need a break, man. You've been studying nonstop."
"I don't know…"
"Look, if it makes you feel better, I'll make sure that you're back before supper and I'll tell Darry that I really needed your help with something."
"You would do that?"
"Yeah, it's no big deal. Now, let's go. We're losing daylight."
Ever since then, Dally and Johnny hung out with Ponyboy a lot more, barely leaving him alone. Slowly, Ponyboy began returning back to (or close to) how he was before. The rest of the gang were all confused on why Dally was personally inviting Ponyboy almost everywhere. Usually, Ponyboy would invite himself. But, the three of them stuck together like glue. Dally even sat with him when Pony was doing homework.
One evening, the gang were all in the house together. Ponyboy was stuck in his room studying for a big exam that was coming up by the end of the week. Johnny was there too to give him company. He had been studying for it for a while now without much of a break, dragging him back to become more depressed. But he dealt with it. It was better than before with people there to help when he needed someone to talk to. Ponyboy could handle it, he knew. As long as nothing comes by and attacks him from the back.
Ponyboy and Johnny walked out of the bedroom to grab a snack. When they got into the kitchen, Dally looked up from the poker game he was in. He placed down the cards. "Hey, wanna go to the nightly double?" he asked the two of them.
Ponyboy's eyes instantly lit up as he nodded fervently. But it instantly dropped when Darry rejected the idea. "No," he denied. "Pony, you have an exam coming up. You have to be studying for it. I don't even know why you're out of your room right now. Stop wasting time."
"But I've been studying for days. I know all the material like the back of my hand," Ponyboy complained, feeling stress pull at the roots of his hair. He frowned deeply.
"No, Ponyboy! That's final. You need good grades to get into college."
"But I already have straight 'A's."
"Too bad."
Ponyboy looked at his feet, feeling his eyes water a bit. It just wasn't fair. Everyone else was having fun. Why couldn't he? Why did Darry have to despise him so much? "Why can't you ever be proud of me?"
Darry rolled his eyes and huffed. "Maybe if you did something worth praise, I would. So, stop being so burdensome and go back to your room. I don't want to see you. Go away and don't cry. It's pathetic."
The gang just stared at the exchange with frowns. They knew that Darry was being too rough on Ponyboy, but they didn't want to face his wrath. Dally glanced up and looked at the haunted expression on Ponyboy's face. It was blank like how he saw them when he caught him cutting. The memories of how broken he was when he found him came back causing him to clench his teeth. No way was Ponyboy going to go through that again. Not while he was there. He clenched the cards, crumbling them, ignoring the yells of protest from the other people playing poker with him. He saw red as he shot up so fast that the chair fell backward. All attention turned to him.
"Stop being an asshole, man," Dally growled, stepping over until he was face-to-face with Darry. The two glared at each other, eyes unwavering.
"Excuse me?" Darry shot back with venom.
"You have no right treating Ponyboy that way."
"He is my brother. I can treat him however I want to."
Dally grinded his teeth, and blatantly retorted, "Then you're a terrible brother."
Darry's eyes became icier. He put a hand on his chest. "Me? A terrible brother? I just want him to get into a good college and have good grades! It's not my fault he's been so useless and lazy about it!"
"Yeah, but he's not you. He's not a machine. You don't know what he's fucking going through or how hard it is for him."
"It's not hard at all! He doesn't know what 'hard' is. He's just being a whiny baby and just trying to make people feel bad for him by pretending he was depressed."
"He is depressed! I caught him cutting himself!" The sentence slipped from his mouth before he had the chance to stop himself. As soon as he said that, everyone froze, blood chilling. Ponyboy's eyes widened as he realized what happened. Oh, no. His nightmare was coming true. Everyone knows now. Tears started to fall from his eyes and all he wanted to do was run, but his legs felt like they were cemented to the floor. He wished he could disappear. Why didn't he lock the door back then?
"Oh, shit, Ponyboy," Dally cursed, looking back apologetically.
The gang members were all staring at Ponyboy in shock. Had he really been cutting? There was no way that the purest of the gang could be slicing his skin up… right? But they knew that something was up with Ponyboy. Why hadn't they noticed before? Why hadn't they done anything about it?
The shock of the words hit Darry the hardest. All of his harsh words replayed in his head as he realized what he led Ponyboy to. It was like he was bitch slapped back into reality. He had been so caught up in what he wanted that he didn't realize how much he was hurting Ponyboy. Now that he looked at him truly, he saw how broken he was. He saw his insecure stance, hands guarding his arms like they were hiding something. His cuts. He caused him to be like this. It was his fault…
He reached forward towards his kid brother. "Pony, I…" he started, calmly and Ponyboy violently flinched back. He froze. Ponyboy flinched like he thought he was going to be hit. Did he… did he really that he was going to… Darry felt like he was going to throw up.
Dally stepped in the way, pushing him back. And, for once, Darry didn't fight back. He dropped his hand as Dally jabbed a finger into his chest. "It's your fault, you know that, right? You didn't let him live his life like a normal fucking person. You constantly screamed and scolded him. You insulted him all the time. You're the reason why he could have killed himself. You're a fucking terrible brother."
At that point, Ponyboy couldn't take it anymore. One moment, he was standing there and the next he was running to his room, slamming the door shut.
"Pony!" Soda cried out, chasing after him but Dally stopped them.
"And the rest of you. You're all almost just as bad as Darry is. You all saw how Darry was treating him, but you ignored him. You could have done something."
With that, Dally went to chase after Ponyboy, followed by Johnny.
"Pony…" Johnny asked worriedly, seeing his friend curled up on the bed with his head stuffed in his knees. They sat down on the bed and Johnny rubbed Ponyboy's back.
"Hey, man, I'm sorry that I told them. It slipped," Dally formally apologized.
Ponyboy shook his head, looking up with bloodshot eyes. "They were going to find out eventually. Thank you for standing up to me."
"I always got your back. He's not going to hurt you anymore. I won't allow that."
"Me neither," Johnny declared. Ponyboy cracked a smile. He was glad that they were his friends. They were the best.
There was a knock on the door and Darry entered, looking sad. "Pony, I—"
But Dally didn't let him get out another word. "Get out!" he screamed, but Ponyboy hushed him. Darry was surprised that Dally just nodded, backing down without challenging him.
"What do you want?" Ponyboy asked. "To yell at me again?"
Darry looked at his feet before looking back up. "No… I… er… came to apologize."
"Apologize?" Ponyboy couldn't believe it. Darry apologizing? Not in a million years.
"Yeah… I'm really sorry for saying all of those things about you. It was wrong of me. You're not anything that I called you. It was all in the spur of the moment. I should have listened to you when you spoke to me because now… you're hurting yourself because of me and I just…" Darry shook his head. "I've been a terrible brother, and I'm so sorry. I know that me saying sorry probably won't mean anything, but it's true."
Lies. Lies. Lies!
They were all lies. Nobody could change that fast. No, he wouldn't allow himself to fall back in the trap. He didn't want Darry to hurt him, because, if he did trust him again, it would hurt more when the rug is pulled out from under him.
So Ponyboy put on a fake smile that made Darry sigh in relief. "It's okay, Darry, I know."
"You're the best brother, Pony… If you ever need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to talk to me. I'll always be here."
With that, Darry closed the door, expecting that Ponyboy wanted to be left alone. He wanted to make sure to Ponyboy got what he wanted for once, even if that did mean staying out of his life for a bit. Whatever would make his brother happy. He would just have to have a heart to heart conversation with him later. He had to make it up to him no matter what.
As soon as the door closed, the smile fell from Ponyboy's lips. A hand touched his own and he looked down to see Johnny pulling his hand away from his arm.
"Pony… you're hurting yourself again," he whispered. Ponyboy let go of his arm that he didn't know he was clawing at and gave a small, thankful smile to Johnny. A real smile.
"Sorry…" he murmured.
"What did you think about that apology?" Dally asked, frowning when Ponyboy let out a long, sad sigh.
Ponyboy shook his head. "I don't think he's telling the truth…"
"Pony…" Johnny mumbled. He saw the look on Darry's face and knew that Ponyboy was wrong. But he needed reassurance; not correction.
"He can't be. I don't think I can ever trust him again like I used to. Not like I trust you guys…"
The two of them didn't say anything. They knew that Ponyboy was hurting and going against him at that moment would definitely break him. Right now, he was being controlled by his emotions. They just had to wait and be there for him when he goes over everything again. Pony would eventually start to trust Darry again, they were sure of it. But it wouldn't be the same. A wrong image of Darry and the rest of the gang already imprinted on his mind for his reference.
"Thank you for staying with me…" Ponyboy whispered.
His walls had already been shattered, but Dally and Johnny swore to themselves that they would rebuild him together piece by piece. The pieces would never fit correctly, but it was being built again, and that was all that mattered.
o-o-o
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