AN: I'm back! And after a long absence, I feel very refreshed. Unfortunately, I've had writer's block lately…I can't even write simple school papers without it sounding weird and choppy. I think it's cuz I overwrote so that I used up all of my inspiration this summer. Normally, I wouldn't write all summer. I wasn't used to it. But hopefully this came out good. I don't want to rant too much about the episodes, just say a few quick things. 1. I liked Serena and Colin, I'm sad they're over! 2. I want Serena to pick Nate, because I like Dan but sometimes he makes me mad, plus they're still related. 2. Chuck and Blair forever so of course I want them to get together asap, I loved the end of the most recent episode. 3. I like Juliet's character, she's like Georgina, she's evil but I like her anyways because she brings good drama and comedy to the show. Also, I'm not really sure Juliet's that evil. I feel so bad for her sometimes cuz I can understand family bonds, I think they're important too, and I'm sure that she thinks that Serena did something terrible. It is kinda annoying that she never gets punished for her mistakes, and that the NJBC always protects each other, but I love it at the same time. I don't want Juliet to leave, and I liked her with Nate, so I'm sad they're over. 4. I really hate Vanessa. I hate how she showed Juliet that text. 5. I don't like Jenny. Not after the third season. But I'm almost glad she's coming back, because the show is missing something without her. 5. The extended preview for the next episode looks very…interesting, to say the least. I can't wait!

And now, here it is. My new story. CB, as always. Kinda like The Notebook, by Nicholas Sparks, (there's a movie too,) but less like it later. I guess I'm setting it after 3x22 (but 3 yrs this time) because that episode just has so many ways it can go after it.

This will probably only be in Blair's POV. I know how much you all liked having everyone's thoughts in Losing and Looking For Love, but with this story, I have a good reason for keeping it in one POV, which I won't be able to reveal until later.

This chapter was originally 4 chapters, but I made it into 1, because they were so short. This story might not be that many chapters, but they should all be pretty long. Idk yet. I only have this much written, but I know where I want the story to go. I just have to work out how to get there. I'm really busy right now so I'll update when I can, but I'm not sure how often it will be.

The title won't make sense for a while.

Sorry for the super long author's note! Enjoy!

Summary: It's been 3 years since 3x22. Chuck has stayed away from everyone he was close to, and as a result no one knows about his injury. He re-buys the Empire Hotel (he sold it after getting shot) and returns to New York. When Blair sees this in the newspaper, she decides to go see him for closure, but that's not what she finds…

Letters

It had been 3 years.

3 years, and yet, I knew that if I tried I could remember the day as clear as if it had been yesterday.

But I wouldn't try. I never had. It had always been something I wanted to forget, to put a cloud over. And I had. It was hardest that summer. I would pretend that everything was okay, but it wasn't. I would put on a happy face for the day, but at night I would lie awake, unable to escape the thoughts and the worries and the regrets and the constant memories. It was too hard to forget what he had done to me.

But I want to try to make it up to you. Even if it takes me the rest of my life.

But I told myself that one day, if I kept pretending like it had never happened, it just would go away. If I pretended like it didn't hurt, it wouldn't. I told myself that. It would be a year before I would believe it.

It would be two by the time I had convinced myself that I had stopped pretending. That it didn't hurt anymore. I had to do it. It was the only way I'd ever be safe.

You're never going to be safe. So are you brave enough or aren't you?

And now it had been three, and here I was. Successful, beautiful, rich…everything I had always wanted. Well, except a family. But I was young. I was only 22. Plenty of people didn't meet the love of their life until then, or later. I had plenty of time. I was just one of those people who it took a little longer for.

The lie almost passed by unnoticed. Almost. But there was that little voice, the part of me that I had been trying so hard to kill, that said but you did find the love of your life. You found him years ago, when you were only a teenager-

No, I told myself. I would not let myself think about that. About him.

I forced myself to smile at the bartender as he handed me another martini.

I don't want you anymore.

"Drinking alone again, B?"

A tired looking blonde slumped down next to me.

"Had a fight with Nate again, S?"

"No," she snapped at me. Then she closed her eyes. "Yes."

"What was it about this time?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.

"Don't give me that," she scolded.

"What?"

"That condescending look."

"I'm sorry, what was that? Did Serena van der Woodsen just use a big girl word?"

"Cut the crap, Blair, I'm trying to tell you what happened."

"Then tell me."

"You're not in a particularly friendly mood tonight." Serena noted.

"Am I ever?" I said, perhaps a little too bitterly.

"Fine," Serena said, getting up and pushing in her chair. "I'll just go then."

"Fine."

"I was going to ask if I could stay at your place tonight, but I'm obviously not welcome."

"Why, you know you and Nate will just kiss and make up within the hour. That is, unless you choose to stay home with another guy. I'm sure any of your partners would be just thrilled to have you."

Serena gave me a glare. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know that's why you're always fighting. You sleep around S, you don't have to lie. It's because you're lacking something in your relationship with Nate. You wish you had someone else, and you and I both know who that is. But it's too late. You know he married the other Brooklyn trash last year. I saw the invitation in your purse."

"I'm leaving," Serena informed me, grabbing her purse.

"You're only mad because I'm telling you what's true. Everything you've been feeling for a long time now. I'm only being honest."

"Oh, so what, you're my life coach now? My relationship counselor? You want honesty, Blair? You haven't been on an actual date in over a year. You scare off every guy who comes near you with that look you give them all, like all men are terrible. You're afraid to let someone in because we both know how well that went last time. So you sit here, drinking alone, wishing in your heart that you'll turn and right next to you will be Chu-"

"DON'T MENTION HIM TO ME!" I screeched.

Don't say her name! Or anything else to me, ever again. This whole night never happened.

A few people around us stopped talking, alarmed.

"How's that for honesty?" Serena said, and stormed out.

I avoided eye contact with those around me, threw some bills on the counter, and ran to the bathroom.

I didn't let myself lose it until I was alone in a stall. I sat down on the dirty toilet and just cried.

Because everything she had said was true.

"Hello?"

"Blair?"

"Serena?"

"Look, I'm really sorry about last night. I…I didn't mean it."

I laughed humorlessly. "Oh, trust me S, you meant it."

"Look, can we just meet up? Can I come over for a little bit?"

I hesitated. "Okay," I agreed. "But just for a little bit. I have some things to take care of," I lied.

She was over in 20 minutes.

She sat down on the couch.

"Nate and I got back together," she said.

I just nodded.

"But then I broke things off."

I raised my eyebrows. "Why?"

"Because I realized you were right."

"I'm always right. What was it this time? That you sleep around? That you're not over Humphrey?"

"Both," she said quietly. "They're connected, just like you told me. I should have listened more."

"Yeah," I agreed.

There was silence. I knew she was expecting, or maybe hoping that I was going to say something like "You know what, you were right too. I should have listened more."

But I didn't say that. I wouldn't give in.

Serena sighed, accepting defeat.

"You know, there was this article in the newspaper I wanted to show you about my mom-"

Serena reached for the newspaper on the table and promptly dropped it in surprise. Her eyes widened and she looked up at me fearfully.

"What? Is the apocalypse coming early?"

Serena shook her head. "N-no-" she said. "They just had that recipe I wanted…"

She made to grab the newspaper but I snatched it away, unfolding it to better see what she could have seen.

It was the Business section. What could possibly interest S in there?

I didn't really have to look hard.

CHUCK BASS REPURCHASES THE EMPIRE HOTEL

There was a picture too. He looked the same as always, but there was something that I couldn't place that was a little off about his face.

I was silent for a moment, speechless.

"Did you know about this?" I asked in a deadly tone.

Serena quickly shook her head. "No B, I swear-"

"So he's back? I thought he was gone for good."

"I guess he couldn't resist going back to his beginning. None of us can. Not me, with Dan, not Dan, with Vanessa…"

"What are you getting at?"

"Well, Chuck can't either. Not with his hotel, not with his hometown, not with his first l-"

Serena stopped.

"What was that?"

"Not with his hometown," she said quickly.

"After that."

"That's all I said," she insisted.

I scanned the article. It looked like a permanent move.

"His first love," I said quietly. "That's what you were going to say."

Serena shrugged. "He can't resist."

"Well I can."

"Can you?'

I was silent.

"B, I see what you're doing to yourself. You're trying to pretend you're okay, but you're still not. You miss him. And that's okay. You just need to talk about it. That's the only way of getting over it. Or you need to talk to him. Maybe you can at least be friends. It's been years, B. Maybe he's changed. I know you're scared. But that's no reason to stop living."

My lip wobbled and I could feel the tears coming. I want to stay strong, like I have for so long. I want to pretend to be okay. I want to be okay. But this is Serena. She's my sister. And I need to talk to someone, because if I don't, I think I might lose it. Like I did last night.

"How?" I asked. "How could I even face him, after everything that happened?"

"I know you can, B. You're strong."

I shook my head. "Not strong," I said. "Just stupid. Foolish. I let myself fall for a Bass. And once you're in…it's impossible to get out."

"But you got out."

"No," I whispered. "No, I'll never be out."

"Then go and see him."

"I don't want him anymore. I…I can't want him anymore."

"Well, just for closure then. Things ended pretty badly between you two. And you were such good friends before everything. Maybe you can get that back."

"Not after what he did. What we did. It's obvious that anytime we're together we just leave a path of destruction in our wake."

I was being stubborn, and Serena knew it as well as I did.

"Well, think about it," she said, getting up and leaving. She'd done all that she could do.

And I did think about it.

In fact, it was all I thought about.

I hated him with every bone in my body.

I was furious with him.

But I still wanted, no, I needed to see him.

It'd been so long.

It'd been too long.

It couldn't hurt, really, to just go and say hi.

After all, it had been three years. We'd grown up.

We weren't kids anymore. We could handle a nice chat over coffee.

I was weak to fall for a Bass.

But what made me even weaker? That the second I'd seen the newspaper, I'd known that I was going to visit him.

I didn't tell Serena. I didn't want anyone to know, in case things didn't go well. And I was embarrassed that I was giving in.

But I couldn't resist. I never could, when it came to him. I may put up a good fight, but in the end, I always came back.

But my one glimmer of hope was that it took longer every time. It had taken three years this time. Maybe, hopefully, after today I would never have to see him again.

His company was having a charity gala today. Chuck had never really been into charity, so I was a little confused when I heard about it. But it gave me hope….maybe he had changed.

I tried to look my best tonight. I bought a new dress and got my hair and makeup done. No less than I would have done for another event, but today I was particularly picky.

My dress was purple, his favorite color. Normally I avoided the color. But I was just drawn to this dress, somehow-I had to wear it tonight.

I was more nervous than I'd like to admit to myself. But then, I was used to lying to myself.

I entered the building and immediately scanned it for Chuck. There were a lot of people here, so this was not easy. I walked around for a little bit, looking for him. Not that I was ready to talk to him yet. I just needed to find him, so that he wouldn't see me first. I didn't want any surprises. I wanted to be the one doing the surprising.

After half an hour, I started to panic. I couldn't find him anywhere. Did he know I was here? Did he not go to his own events? Was he home sick of something? Travelling? Sleeping?

I decided to go to the bathroom to fix my makeup and re-evaluate my plan. I walked into a seemingly empty hallway and headed for the door to the ladies room.

"Tell him we need it by tomorrow. No excuses," said a voice that I knew so well, slightly older, but still the same voice.

I froze.

That voice. It made me want to swoon and vomit at the same time. It quickened my heart and made me dizzy. Only his voice could have that effect on me.

There he stood, in a black suit, not too far away. His back was to me, and if he had heard me walk into the hallway, he didn't acknowledge it. He probably didn't think anything of it. Plenty of woman probably passed by him on the way to the bathroom, saw that he was on the phone, and didn't disturb him. Or perhaps he was so involved in his conversation that he didn't even hear me.

I stayed still, barely breathing, my heart beating much faster than normal. Should I run back? Go into the bathroom? Or should I confront him?

It would be mean to do that to a person on a business call. Maybe I would just stand there and see if he noticed me. If I got tired of standing, I'd leave.

I decided on that option. I didn't think I'd be able to move anyways.

"Thank you for your time."

He took his phone away from his ear.

"Can I help you?" he asked, turning towards me, still looking at his phone.

I was paralyzed. I had no choice now. I had to stay. But what should I say?

"Chuck," was all I could say.

His head whipped up and his phone clattered to the floor.

"Blair Waldorf?" he asked, bending over to pick his phone up, but not taking his eyes off of my face.

"Hey," I said, a little too casually. "How are you?"

"Blair," he asked, sounding confused. "Why are you here? It's been, what, three years now?"

I nodded. "I just…I wanted to see you. To see how you were doing."

He looked at me for a moment, the shock on his face gone. In its place was an emotionless mask. He was unreadable.

He turned abruptly and started to walk away.

"Where are you going?" I called after him, alarmed.

"I'm keeping a promise," he called back.

"What, to a girlfriend of something?"

He laughed humorlessly, turning around.

"An ex-girlfriend, actually."

"What's the promise?" I asked, pretty sure I already knew the answer.

Don't say her name! Or anything else to me, ever again. This whole night didn't happen.

I winced.

"I'm only doing what you asked. I'm not supposed to talk to you. I don't know what this temporary insanity it is that you're having, but it has to stop. You don't want to do this. You don't want to know me anymore. You said so yourself."

"Chuck…I know we've been through a lot but can't we just be friends? I miss you. We all do."

Something in his face changed, but only for a moment.

"You're lying," he said. "What do you want, Blair? You always want something. There's always an ulterior motive."

That hurt. "I want to talk to you," I insisted. "What's wrong? Why are you doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"That thing where you won't show any of your emotions."

"We've both gotten pretty good at that over the years, Blair."

I shook my head. "Not to each other. Not usually."

Chuck looked at me with a penetrating gaze for a moment. "Things have changed," he said simply. "We're not kids anymore. We are not the same people. And we are not in love."

"I know that," I said defensively. "But…we're still friends. I know it's been a long time, but we've been friends forever. We've made some mistakes, but nothing can change that."

Chuck ran his hand through his hair and looked tired. "Why now, Blair? Why after 3 years? After a few months, sure, but now? We're not friends anymore."

"Of course we are. Come on. Just…coffee. Or a drink? Don't tell me you've given up drinking. Has it finally caught up with you?"

Something shifted in Chuck's expression. "Not the alcohol."

"So just life, then?"

Chuck nodded. "Something like that."

"Tomorrow night? The Empire Hotel?"

Chuck stared at me for a second. "I really don't know why you're doing this, Blair," he said after a moment. "But okay. I'll play along in your game. But only one drink, okay? I have to work. Then you'll have what you need?"

I nodded.

"One drink," I confirmed.

But would it be enough?

I sat at the bar, twirling the straw in my drink. Chuck sat next to me, not saying anything. This was harder than I thought it would be. Small talk…it wasn't really our thing.

"So things have been good with the company?" I ask, trying to start a conversation.

Chuck just shrugs. This makes me mad. He's not even going to make an effort?

I give an obvious annoyed sigh. Chuck glances up at me.

"I'm obviously trying here. Why aren't you?"

Chuck shrugs again. "Why should I?"

"Because you owe me that."

Chuck snorts. "It's been too long, Blair. I don't owe you anything."

"Oh, really?" I ask, getting angry very fast. "So you don't even feel bad for what you did?

He shrugs again. This is starting to really annoy me.

"Fine. Act like a 2 year old. It's nice to see you haven't changed."

"I did change Blair. But you wish I hadn't, because then you'd feel okay continuing to blame me for everything that goes on in your life. But you see that I'm different."

"Let me see, you're still sarcastic, still cruel, still a convincing liar, and-"

"And yet how do you know that? We've barely spent a half hour together in three years."

"I can just tell."

He sighed. "Well, at least I can see that you haven't changed. You're still convinced that you're always right."

"Fine. What's different about you, then?"

"Everything."

"Please elaborate."

Chuck smiled, but it wasn't happy.

"You, Nathaniel, Serena. Lily. Eric."

"You're just listing people, Chuck. That doesn't help me understand."

"They kept me human."

"Oh, so you're a vampire now? I'm not surprised; it involves hot girls and lots of drinking, even if blood wasn't always your drink of choice. I am, however, surprised I didn't see it before."

Chuck smiled again. "Not a vampire. Think of a manlier monster."

"I'm not in the mood to play guessing games, Chuck."

"You started it."

"I did not!" Suddenly I feel like the two-year-old. Chuck is smirking at me. "I just want to know what you mean."

"I don't feel things anymore."

I rolled my eyes. "You've tried that in the past. It didn't work then, and it won't work now."

Chuck's face hardened. "This time is different, Blair. I don't have a loving girlfriend, a crazy blonde, or a concerned stepmother to pull me back. The same goes for a naïve best friend and an innocent teenage stepbrother. The five of you. When you stopped caring, so did I. About everything."

I don't want to believe him, but I can see it in his face. The weird expressions, the way he's acting….it would make sense if this were true. If he really doesn't care.

I guess a part of me thought that he would always love me, that his PI was keeping him updated and that he checked Gossip Girl until it stopped last year. I thought that he had someone on the inside to tell him what was happening.

But he's just been alone, not thinking or caring about what used to be this whole time.

"You don't mean that," I said, horrified at the realization that he does.

"I do. And believe me; we're all much better off apart." Chuck lifted his glass. "To never seeing each other again," he said.

And then he drank.

AN: Try not to be too mad at Chuck. Please review!