Title:         Ask

Author:     sereace (sereace_14@yahoo.com)

Rating:     PG-13

Pairing:                SanzoxHakkai

Warnings:                If you aren't even remotely interested in these two having a relationship, please just save both of us the trouble of hating each other. You have been forewarned. If you chose to not follow it, that's your business, as much as it is my business to write what I want to write.

Notes:                      Please be kind...onegai?  Believe me when I tell you I know the line that draws apart flames and constructive criticisms, which is most welcome by the way. Whew, now that this is done, we can move on to the why you're even here in the first place...^__~

"Gojyo was telling me how I should just get up and get on with my life."

"Why didn't you?" Was the gruff reply. If Hakkai happened to be looking into amethyst eyes, he would've seen the brief flash of pain.

Hakkai continued, as if Sanzo had not even spoken. "I told him I did not want to."

Sanzo closed his eyes. Somehow, he knew if the gods wanted to punish him for not being a monk tonight, he would be losing someone he had learned to live with...someone he could not see whatever future he has with.

"The past few weeks, he would ask me intermittently if I was alright, and I'd just answer that I was." Hakkai paused, tilting his head to one side in the process, looking at the profile of Sanzo, who had his eyes closed. "I'd also tell him that I've never been better. Which was true, in most ways then." Hakkai chuckled, one that is devoid of any mirth. "The time spent with him seemed to have given him something sort of an extra-sensory perception, about me at the least."

Sanzo felt, not for the first time, the stirrings of jealousy in his heart, whenever he thought of Hakkai's time not spent with him. It was illogical, unreasonable, and irrational, but he could not block it. What hold does he of Hakkai, except three months' worth of carnal pleasure and yet at the same time being the source of the other's pain? Hakkai never told him, but he knew, Sanzo knew how much the other feels whenever he would brush him off, tell him to mind his own business, to get the hell out, whenever he would pass the request to stay the night...and suddenly realization dawned.

Hakkai was going to take that ero kappa's advice and leave him.

Unless Hakkai steers this conversation into another topic...into whatever topic but where he is heading now.

The source of his distress continued, unaware of the torment his words were causing to the man beside him. "Yesterday, before...we went to bed, he asked me something that prompted me to admit..."

Sanzo did not miss the catch in the other's words, even if he gave just the minimal physical manifestation of the anguish he was feeling. The beating of his heart sped up, his breathing suddenly shallow, and the monk found himself shaking. Hakkai had admitted what? That he, Cho Hakkai, a man-converted-youkai deserved someone more than he, Genjo Sanzo, could ever be? That Cho Hakkai was someone Genjo Sanzo could only hope to have in dreams? His fingers dug into his palms to the point of bleeding. His knuckles were white.

"You know what that was, Sanzo?"

For the first time since Hakkai began this talk, he addressed to Sanzo, and the latter found himself opening his eyes and looking to where the other was.

Amethyst met emerald.

Hakkai smiled, the usual empty, yet strangely comforting smile. Sanzo felt as if a knife had been plunged into his chest. The smile was meant for strangers, not for him. When Hakkai smiled for him, his eyes lighten up, the tense in his shoulders lighten, and Hakkai simply glows.

It was impossible for someone to feel so much in a second. Sanzo had his first taste of being at the least, distraught.

"I would do anything, anything at all, for you."

His heart missed a beat. What did Hakkai say?

"Even if it meant walking out of this mission. Even if it meant selling whatever soul I have left to the Devil. Even if it meant reliving the past for all eternity."

Hakkai had his full attention now. The flow of the conversation changed. If Hakkai was not talking about how he hated him, it meant that Hakkai was not leaving him. Right? But if so, why is the brunette so distressed?

"And as soon as I accepted that, I found that I was already violating them. I found that I was already doing something you would not even remotely be partial to."

Hakkai could actually do something he would not be partial to? In the time they were together, the youkai had found a way to the his heart, enough that Sanzo could acknowledge that he actually loved Hakkai. Thinking about it brought inexplicable emotions, so he dared not say it. And what if Hakkai did not love him? What then? Sanzo was never keen on losing, for the simple fact that he has yet to lose—and this was a battle he was not going to let be his first loss.

Sanzo found his voice in the midst of the turmoil that were his thoughts.

"And what is that, Hakkai?"

"That I am irrevocably, utterly, totally, unreservedly falling in love with you. I fear that I already love you."

By the gods, was he hearing what he actually thinks he is hearing? His heart swelled with desire. Hakkai loves him.

Hakkai loves him.

Hakkai loves him.

Hakkai loves him.

Hakkai loves him.

The thought ran through his mind, putting a stop to all that pervaded his thoughts earlier on. So the world isn't as cruel as he thought it would be. Someone actually loves him the way he wants to be loved.

"Which is why I am taking Gojyo's advice."

Say what?!

Hakkai's ever-present smile was rubbing off Sanzo the wrong way. He was breaking off with him, after telling him he loves him, and he still is smiling?

"I know you do not want a commitment, Sanzo. And I think we would work better together if we do not have something...together—"

"Who are you to tell me what I want, Hakkai?" It came out harsher, much harsher than he expected. He actually thought it would come out soft, but somewhere along his mouth, the tone changed.

There was a flicker of pain in the emerald gaze, before it was covered up. "Eh? You told as much, Sanzo. The first night—you said you do not want any commitment—"

"I also said it would only be for the night. You agreed to that. We're still here, in the same ground we stood three months ago. Should that not be enough proof that I had probably changed my mind?" Sanzo spat out, fumbling inside his robes for the pack of cigarettes, before reaching out to the bed and getting hold of his lighter.

"Should us, your words: standing on the same ground we stood three months ago, not be enough proof that you had probably not changed your mind?" It was mellifluously spoken, but the sharp edge could not go unheeded.

"We are still together, Hakkai. If I valued you as much as I valued my being a monk, you should not be here, with me, in my bedroom, going to share my bed, being with me—"

Hakkai stood up, and walked to sit on the ledge by the window.

"I am beginning to think that I am as such."

Sanzo's eyes narrowed. "You undervalue my actions."

There it was again. The mirthless chuckle. "There was never any action to value, or in this case, undervalue."

Sanzo stood up and joined Hakkai. "You assume too much, Cho Hakkai."

Hakkai turned to meet Sanzo's heated gaze. In an enigmatic tone, he spoke. "You never gave me anything else to assume on, Genjo Sanzo."

Something in Sanzo snapped, and it filled him with the need to prove to Hakkai he valued him. That Genjo Sanzo has broken, and Cho Hakkai could do anything that he wished with him.

Sanzo leaned down, grabbed a fistful of the brown hair, and pulled Hakkai's face towards his. The latter's eyes widened as the former's crinkled in the corners. Sanzo closed the distance and met Hakkai's mouth, plundering his tongue in the other's mouth, taking advantage of Hakkai's surprise. It was long before he pulled out, and when he did, they were both panting.

"What do you assume of that, Hakkai?"

Hakkai's mouth turned upwards, a mockery of a smile. "Should I assume any other than the desire to fulfill the most basic human desire?"

"I thought you knew me better than that." A pause. Then, "I thought you knew me."

If Hakkai was surprised, he didn't show it. Sanzo was really beginning to hate that smile.

"You never gave me any reason to think so, Sanzo."

He grabbed the front of Hakkai's shirt, pulling the other man closer to him, their foreheads nearly touching. Nearly, but not quite.

"Dammit, Hakkai! What do you want of me?"

"That—" Hakkai paused, covering Sanzo's wrist with nimble fingers, "is what I wanted from you."

Sanzo stepped back, but did not loosen his hold on Hakkai. Confusion abound his mind, his thoughts, his feelings, and he wondered how one youkai could bring him in such a state. "I do not appreciate people who talk in circles, Hakkai."

"Yet you talk in such way, Sanzo."

"Damnit! I give to you all that I can give, everything, Hakkai, everything, and you still find it lacking?"

"I do not remember saying that I find you lacking, Sanzo. Actually, I distinctly recall saying a few seconds ago that you just gave me what I want."

If Sanzo was confused when this conversation started, he was confounded now.

"I know you delight in mind games, Hakkai, but spare me now, my head can't take much after it digested you saying you love me immediately before saying you would leave me."

Hakkai leaned over closer, their bodies meeting from forehead to chest, hips to thighs. "I thought you did not get affected by such ludicrous, useless things as emotions."

"I wasn't." This time Sanzo leaned closer and bit on Hakkai's lower lips. "Until you came."

Hakkai broke off, but did not entirely break of Sanzo's hold. "Stop this, Sanzo. I know—"

"You do not know, Hakkai. You do not. You assume things on your own, of your own volition, and then weaving them into your truths."

Amethyst met emerald.

Sanzo spoke again. "You did not give me the benefit of the doubt when you decided to leave me."

"You and I both know it would have been a waste of time. You would have answered 'Katte ni Shiro, Hakkai.' And I would just have accepted."

"I would defy heaven, earth and hell for you Hakkai."

Hakkai let out a wry chuckle. "Only in my dreams, Sanzo. You may say it, but you never mean it. I don't see you do it, I don't see you be it." He stepped back, and Sanzo had no choice but to let the other man slip from his grasp...for the meantime. He knew they both had to hear this, that both had to have this. "You call us lovers, Sanzo, but are we? Are we really, when we hardly act as such? You find me convenient in bed, but I'm just a nuisance outside of it, when I no longer fit your purposes. When I am just someone else whose presence you have to bear, because Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama asked you to. I am never Hakkai, the man who loves you, the man you want to be with. I may be the Hakkai whose presence you can stomach, but I can never be the Hakkai who you love—"

"Urusai, Hakkai! This self-pity is enough!"

Sanzo turned Hakkai around, his hands on the latter's waist, his mouth pressing on the latter's lips.

The kiss was rough, almost violent, as if Sanzo was trying to prove something, to convey something through the kiss. As if Sanzo was trying to tell Hakkai something Hakkai was not prepared to hear, to listen to.

"Please, Sanzo, just make this easier for us...I do not want to eat dust all my life—"

"You won't."

Bewildered eyes met shadowed ones. "What?"

"You won't have to eat dust, Hakkai. You never had, you never will."

"San..Sanzo? What are you saying?"

Sanzo held the other man close, burying his face in the smooth expanse of Hakkai's neck.

"What I've been trying to tell you since you started this asinine discourse."

"You were trying to tell me something?" Hakkai's own arms were resting on his back now, and Sanzo reveled in the touch.

"Baka. You weren't listening. You were too immersed in this own world of yours." Sanzo's voice was now thick, and laced with something Hakkai was accustomed to hearing only when they were in the throes of passion.

"Ne, Sanzo...sumimasen, alright? I just..."

"I love you." Came the rush, almost insecure words from an equally apprehensive individual. Hakkai tightened his hold, and closed his eyes.

"I know, I just—"

"What would you like for dinner?" Emerald eyes snapped open and Hakkai drew apart to meet amethyst ones.

"Sanzo?" The simple reply spoke volumes, and Sanzo felt he had just been given the greatest gift in heaven and earth.

"Ch'. I ask you and you answer that? I know you want me—" He was rudely cut off when Hakkai beamed, and kissed him.

When the broke off, they were all but panting. "Thank you, Sanzo."

"You had only to ask, Hakkai." There was a small but genuine smile on Sanzo's lips that took his breath away.

Hakkai smiled back. "I know—gomen nasai, Sanzo."

"Che."

"And I do mean it."

Sanzo turned to Hakkai, his eyebrows raised. "Which one?"

"That I wanted you for dinner."

"It would not be as bad, if..."

Hakkai nodded resignedly, before smiling again. "Goku would be awake by now—"

And as if to prove his point, they heard his name through the door from across the corridor. "Hakkai! I'm hungry!"

Their eyes met once again, amethyst upon emerald, but this time, no barriers were up, no masks to be seen.

"I have to go, before you bash Goku with your Harisen."

"Later." Sanzo promised, before planting a soft kiss on Hakkai's mouth.

They parted just in time when Goku pushed the door open, complaining where the food was, followed by Gojyo who looked like he was pulled out from bed.

"Dammit, baka saru, couldn't you have been more quiet? Do you even know what quiet means?"

"You should speak for yourself, you were noisy last night! I couldn't sleep!"

"I could hear your snores through the walls, baka saru!"

"You must have been hearing your own noises, ero kappa!"

"Who are you calling ero kappa, baka saru?"

"Maa, maa. Come on, Goku, we'll buy some food, if Sanzo would give us his card right now..."

"Ch'. Don't buy the whole town."

"Don't forget my cigarettes, Hakkai!"

"Hai, hai!"

When the duo descended the stairs, Gojyo turned to Sanzo. "I take it you did the right thing?"

"If the right thing is letting Hakkai go, then no, I did not do the right thing."

Gojyo widened his eyes in mock surprise. "Whoa. You actually talking to me?"

Sanzo met Gojyo's gaze, his eyes narrowed into slits. "No. Not talking, but warning. If you ever talk to Hakkai about leaving me again, this," the gun came out of nowhere, trained at Gojyo, his forehead only an inch away from the wrong end, "would be the last thing you would ever see."

Gojyo calmly smiled. "This," he countered, meeting the amethyst glare, "is all that I wanted from you, for Hakkai."

Sanzo did not as much flinch. "Are you sick of breathing?"

"You're fighting for him, Sanzo. That's enough for me, to know that my best friend has someone who would move heaven, earth and hell for him."

And with that, Gojyo walked off.

Sanzo merely watched.