A/N: I know most of my readers are accustomed to reading my Star Trek crack!fics (which I haven't updated in ages. I'm sorry and I promise I'll get around to it.)
In light of the upcoming movie, though, I've had Harry Potter on my mind. So here's a little bit of fluffy Crack!Light. Like Crystal Light or Bud Light, but with fanfiction. Right.
Stranger than Fiction
The old man shuffled into the Muggle bookstore, leaning heavily on his beautifully carved cane. Glancing around the shop, he slowly made his way to the corner of the store where a large sign marked "Fantasy and Science Fiction" hung from the ceiling. Ignoring the glossy covers of space sagas and futuristic tales, he selected instead the titles advertising magical adventures and fantastical creatures. Once he had amassed a small stack of books, he settled into a large sofa and began reading.
His sojourn into the bookstore was not for pleasure; his trip was strictly business. He was, after all, the head of the Department of Muggle Fiction Regulation. It was a tiny department, to be sure, but an important one. He could remember one of his early cases. Some fellow—Token? Tolkane?—had written a series that had been so convincingly accurate in its depiction of magic that it had even the Ministry in a tizzy. Sure that it would be his first time breaking a case, he had accosted the writer in his London home and interrogated him with Veritaserum for several grueling hours. Finally, though, he'd had to grudgingly concede that the man wasn't a Squib or a particularly devious wizard, just a Muggle with an incredible imagination. Despite his disappointment at not catching a wayward wizard writer, he had performed the Memory Charm on the man particularly carefully so as not to damage such a brilliant mind.
There was another case around that time that one of his colleagues had investigated. The books had had something to do with a closet, a tiger, and a witch, if he remembered correctly. Or was it a lion? That case had had the same result: no Ministry infractions incurred, just an overly inventive Muggle. All he could remember about the man was that he had used initials instead of a first name, just as the subject of that Tokey—Talken—what was it? case had done.
His mind still on the files of the past, he flipped through the pile of books in his lap. They were nothing out of the ordinary; their descriptions of magic were so clichéd or outlandishly inaccurate that he knew he could discredit the possibility of magical writers. Well, that was that, he thought to himself. He'd gone through all of the new titles in the fantasy shipment for the week.
He stood up creakily and made his way towards the front of the store, passing a nook decorated with famous literary figures from Muggle children's books. Normally, the children's section could be disregarded, since Muggle parents were unlikely to read those stories. Though observant Muggle children made up the majority of magic sightings each year, most of those incidents were resolved without a single piece of paperwork, simply because Muggle adults never believed their children.
He smiled to himself as he contemplated this convenient disbelief. Suddenly, though, the smile died from his lips and his face paled as he spotted a cover illustration that was far too accurate for comfort. A boy seated on a broomstick—that wasn't too strange—but what was that he was reaching out to seize? Was that…a snitch? And was that a scar on the boy's forehead? The old man slowly looked up at the title. "Merlin's beard!" he swore, a bit too loudly.
It couldn't be. There was no way this could have slipped under the Ministry's watchful view.
They'd have his head on a plate.
He looked down at the incriminating book again, glancing at the author's name (initials again!), willing the title to morph—to change into something else. But no—there it was: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
This J.K. Rowling fellow had quite a lot of explaining to do.
Hope you enjoyed it!
I know that the British version came out first, and that's the title I went with…but I described the American cover because I'm not a huge fan of the British versions' cover art.
Also, many thanks to my lovely beta, Jax!