Bed, Wed, Behead

by FallinForAGuy

Because the more well-known name of this game is a bit crude. A few tresspassers start playing on Hat Island, catching the attention of the BH Crew. And they start to play amongst themselves. If this starts to read like a group chat, cool, I meant to do that.

"Ok, your choices are Vanity Bolt, Goldheart, or Sun Blast. Go!"

"Oh come on, you couldn't have included a single chick?"

"Tough luck Harold, you're gay for this round. Now choose!"

As Harold struggled to pick which of the three beefy hunks his heterosexual ass would rather get pounded by (because lord knows this guy couldn't top an ice cream sundae), Linda looked off into the distance. The three of them had landed on Hat Island only hours earlier, and had set up camp right on the shoreline. The sky was a dark imposing red, and the sand of the beach was black. Almost glistening in the distance away from their small campfire.

They were here on a mission, surveillance mostly. None of the others had so much as made it to the island, so they made sure to observe and record as much as they could. The daylight hours had been spent taking sand, soil, air, and plant samples. It was too risky to try and hail anyone back at the base, comms weren't secure and no one wanted to take the chance and try sending anything digitally, so it would be a night on the beach and then an all-or-nothing sail away first thing in the morning.

What else are three highly trained operatives from the Men Without Hats to do as they await their suicide mission besides playing the classic game; Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

"Alright, uh," Harold covered his face in straight-shame. "I guess...I'd marry Sun Blast, fuck Goldheart, and kill Vanity Bolt."

"OOooooooooh someone likes the shinies!" Laura teased.

"Shut up! Linda, say yours!"

"I'd kill Sun Blast...fuck Vanity Bolt, and I guess I have to marry Goldheart in that case."

"Oh come on, Vanity Bolt is such a tool."

"So is Sun Blast, what's your point?"

"Yeah Laura, who'd you pick?"

"Well I'd marry Goldheart, out of the three of them. I'd much rather fuck Sun Blast than Vanity Bolt, so VB's gotta die."

"You want to spend the rest of your life squinting at your husband?" Harold asked.

"Apparently you wouldn't mind getting railed by him."

"Oh come on did you have to take it there!?"

"Yes, it's the nature of the game."

"God Laura, stop making it gay."

"Hey, I mean, given the position, you probably wouldn't be looking at him. So the glowing thing probably wouldn't be the biggest issue."

"Can we just go onto the next round? Who's turn is it? Linda's?

"Yeah ok. Linda, your turn."

"Ah jeez, ummm..." Linda struggled to think of three good choices. It was hard to remember who they'd already picked. And she was running out of heroes to consider. "Ok, how about Ace, Sedusa, or Him?"

"OOOOooooh, Villain Round!" Laura exclaimed. "Now it's getting interesting!"

"Well, I'd fuck Sedusa, obviously." Harold sat back in contemplation. "Can Him even actually be killed?"

"For the sake of the game, yes."

"Ok fuck Sedusa...kill Him...and marry Ace."

"How old is Ace, actually? He's a gang leader that picks on kindergarteners."

"Him is the devil and he still fights kindergarteners."

"I though Black Hat was the devil?"

"But he's stronger than Him."

"Who, Him?"

"Ok I'm just going to put a stop to this conversation before it gets out of hand. Laura, your three."

"Alright, I'd marry Sedusa, fuck Him, and kill Ace."

"You'd fuck the devil?"

"Hell yeah. How many people can say they've boned the devil?"

Linda and Harold nodded, sex with a being from hell was definitely something that earned you bragging rights and street cred. Then again, so did killing one.

"Linda?"

"Uh, kill Him, marry Ace, fuck Sedusa."

"OOoh, ok. I see how you is."

"Harold, your turn."

"Well, since we're on the subject," He grinned mischievously in the firelight. "Demencia, Dr. Flug, or Black Hat?"

Laura gasped. "My dude, you can't do that."

"Too late, I just did."

"No, we're fighting against Black Hat. You can't just joke about sleeping with the enemy like that! And we still don't know if Black Hat can even be killed."

"For the sake of the game, assume he can. And also that he's down to fuck."

"Oh my god Harold, no."

"Oh so Linda can pick villains, but not me?"

"I didn't pick Black Hat!" Linda protested. "That's a line you just don't cross."

"Come on Laura, you've thought about it at least once!"

"I can neither confirm nor deny that the thought may have crossed my mind in passing."

"Alright look, I'll tell you two mine first, ok?"

"Oh boy no." Laura shook her head. "You can't just say shit like that, especially not on Hat freaking Island."

"Yeah let's just stop playing and go to sleep."

"I'd kill Black Hat, fuck Demencia, and marry the doctor."

"Ah. Shit. No. Why'd you go and say it." Laura collapsed onto her side. "We're dead. We have no chance of survival."

"Do you think he's actually fucking her?"

"What?"

"Demencia." Harold clarified. "Do you think Black Hat's fucking her behind the scenes?"

"I think we should stop talking about this."

"I mean, she's gotta be sticking around for a reason, right? Maybe Black Hat's just a beast in the sheets and that's why she stays with him when he's a terrifying evil monster."

"I'm going to have nightmares tonight."

"Why would you marry Dr. Flug? Like, ok kill Black Hat and fuck his woman but then you have to spend the rest of your life married to a twig."

"Ehhhh, he's going to prison anyway, with Black Hat gone. Can't I just divorce him later?"

"No, you can't divorce him! It's a lifelong thing! Just like you can't unkill or unfuck someone, you can't divorce them."

"Why not?"

"It's against the rules of the game."

"It's against the sanctity of marriage."

"We're both guys, so aren't we already going against the sanctity of marriage?"

"So you not only have the gall to marry another man, you're not even going to stay with him?" Linda accused. "For shame, Harold! For shame!"

"Fine, I'll give him a pity visit every other month. Happy?"

"No!"

"Ugh, just pick so we can go to sleep."

"Fine!" Laura snapped. "I guess...if I had no other options...if we were the last people on the planet...and I absolutely had to..."

"Spit it out Laura."

"Ok ok! I'd kill Black Hat, fuck Flug and marry Demencia! Are you happy!?"

"You'd fuck Flug?"

"Well, he's just a regular guy, right? And he doesn't strike me as someone who'd get rough in bed. Demencia on the other hand..."

"Yeah but you have to marry her."

"Yeah I have to marry her, but the rules don't say I have to do anything else."

"This coming from the woman who'd sleep with the actual devil."

"That woman is a million times crazier than the devil."

"Alright fine. Linda?"

Linda gave it a lot of thought. Given the chance, her choice of who to kill should be without a doubt Black Hat. He was a being of pure evil, that had tormented the globe (and parts beyond) for eons. If there were ever an opportunity to kill the beast, she had to take it.

On the other hand...they were speaking purely hypothetically...and...

Black hands shot out from the darkness, grabbing Linda by the neck and pulling her off into the night. She barely managed a scream before she was silenced forever. Laura ran after her, and Harold took off for the tent. Laura shouted and swore and did everything possible to draw the creatures full attention while Harold fumbled to get the life raft out of their supplies. When she too was silenced, he sprinted as fast as he could towards the sea. Tripping over the black sand, trying desperately to pull the cord on the life raft. If he could only get out to sea, and by some miracle managed to survive the waves, he could complete the mission.

His feet sunk into the sand. A little further down with each step. Until he was sunken up to his knees. No longer able to push himself forward. Only able to struggle as he was pulled down to his hips. Then his midsection. Then his chest. He flung his arms out, searching in vain for something to anchor himself to, finding nothing.

As the black sand reached his mouth he saw a frightening face, looking very unimpressed, before stiff, expensive shoe leather pressed him down all the way under.

"INCOMPETENT WASTES OF ATOMS!" Black Hat shouted. Dr. Flug flinched hard, Demencia somewhere in between shirking and swooning, 5.0.5. hiding behind the both of them. "I ORDERED YOU TO DISPOSE OF THOSE WRETCHED AGENTS AND WHAT DO YOU DO?!"

"S-Sir, I can explain-"

"SILENCE!" Dr. Flug shut right the fuck up. "YOU ARE ALL SO WORTHLESS, SO USELESS! MISERABLE DISGRACES TO ALL THAT IS EVIL! YOU FAIL AT EVEN THE SIMPLEST OF TASKS! JUST WHEN I THINK YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY MESS UP, YOU PROVE ME WRONG! NONE OF YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING SO MUCH AS A STAIN ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOES! GO ON, JUST TRY AND JUSTIFY WHATEVER REASON YOU HAVE FOR NOT ELIMINATING TRESPASSERS ON SIGHT!"

"The-They were playing Marry, Fuck, or Kill." Dr. Flug blurted out. "And they'd picked...us..."

All the malice in Black Hat seemed to disappear in an instant. The room brightened up a bit and their bosses expression went from enraged to stupefied in a matter of seconds.

"Come again?"

"Ok so, you know how the game works, right?" Demencia approached her love. "You pick three people and have to choose out of the three of them which you would sleep with, which you would marry, and which you would kill."

"In my day, we called that game 'Bed, Wed, Behead'."

"Classy."

"And you say...they had chosen...us, as options?"

"Yup. Two of them had said they would kill you. As if they could ever lay a hand on you with me around!" Demencia bared her teeth in a crazed grin, boxing the air like it was trying to pick a fight.

"The guy said he'd marry me and give me pity visits in prison." Dr. Flug rolled his eyes. "He actually said it like that too! 'Pity visits'! The nerve! And that's after he tried divorcing me! And this was the same guy who said he'd sleep with Demencia after he killed you."

"WHAT!?"

"I know!" Demencia said. "As if I wouldn't bite off his dick!"

"Ok I think that's enough for now." Dr. Flug reached up to cover his bear-son's ears. "We didn't take care of it because...we got distracted. We were waiting for the last woman to say who she'd pick. I'm sorry, Jefecito chulo, we were really...really curious to see what she'd say."

"Yeah..." Demencia leaned against 5.0.5. "I wanted to see if she'd screw Flug out of pity like the other chick."

"That was not out of pity! That was because I'm the only normal human! I'm the most logical choice out of the three of us!"

"Imagine if they'd included the bear."

"Don't even joke about that!" Dr. Flug yelled, trying in vain to keep 5.0.5.'s innocence.

"SILENCE!" Black Hat's voice boomed all throughout the room like he was speaking in surround sound. It drew all their attention back to him, and his more relaxed posture.

"So, you got distracted by a game, did you?"

"We, we were all prepared to deal with them, my lord! But, when they said our names, it caught us off guard."

"Yeah I mean, you hear someone talking about you like that, it makes you want to listen in and see what they say, you know?"

"Hmph. You're all still incompetent parasites."

"Yes sir," Dr. Flug said, hanging his head low. 5.0.5. pat him on the shoulders comfortingly. At least he had him.

"Oooooh, do you guys want to play?"

"What?"

"Do you guys want to play?" Demencia repeated.

"Play...Bed, Wed, Behead?" Black Hat asked.

"Yeah yeah!" She nodded excitedly. "C'mon, it'll be fun!"

"I'll pass."

"Oh no you don't!" She jabbed the doctor in his gut harshly. "If there's anyone who's taste should be made fun of, it's yours! You're playing!"

"You can't make me play with you! Besides, it's well past 5.0.5.'s bedtime. He and I are going to bed."

"Just a few quick rounds!"

"You should be put to bed too."

"Just a few quick rounds!"

"Absolutely not!"

"You're playing."

"Sir!?"

Black Hat raised his arms and two chairs materialized out of the dark carpet of his office. "5.0.5., put yourself to bed." The bear walked out but looked curiously over his shoulder at the three of them. He most likely didn't fully understand what was going on but knew better than to disobey Black Hat. "Both of you, sit."

Dr. Flug sat down cautiously. Was Black Hat really going to make him play some stupid game, just for the sake of ridiculing him?

Demencia bounced in her seat eagerly. "Does this mean you'll play too Blacky?"

"Yes, I'll play. The rules haven't changed much in the last few hundred years, have they?"

"I don't think so. It's just taking three people and having to pick one for each option. The only real rules are that all choices are final and you have to make a choice. No exceptions, no take backs. Got it, Flug?"

The weary scientist sighed. "Fine. Remember that you can't divorce whoever you said you'd marry, you have to think of it as who you'd spend the rest of your life with."

"Couldn't I just kill them later?"

"Well it wouldn't be as fun if you weren't stuck with them forever now would it?" Demencia grumbled but agreed that it was far more interesting that way.

"I'm going first." Black Hat declared. "Poker Face, Bonnivet, or Dark Phantom?"

"Bonnivet is so tiny!"

"She's headed the conquest of over 50 galaxies." Black Hat said. "You'd be lucky to be her trophy husband."

"Ha ha ha yeah nerd! Take what you can get!"

"Alright fine. I'd marry Bonnivet, sleep with Poker Face, and kill Dark Phantom."

"As if either of them would have you." Black Hat chuckled darkly. "Demencia."

"I'd kill them all and marry Black Hat!"

"He's not even one of the choices!"

"Doesn't matter! I could never pick anyone over my delicious bombon!"

"If you're not going to even play the game right-"

"How do you expect me to pick anyone else over pure perfection!?"

"Demencia." Black Hat said seriously. "You must choose."

"But, honey, I could never-"

"Choose."

"AAAAaagghhhhh fine! If I had to, super duper duper had to, I'd marry Poker Face, I'd kill Bonnivet, and Dark Phantom can get it if he shuts up and lets me be in charge." She shuddered. "I feel like I need to wash my mouth out just from saying that."

"Ok. Boss?"

"What?"

"Who would you pick?"

"Me? I'm not-"

"Uh, yeah you are." Demencia said, suddenly sharpening a battleaxe. "You said you would play. So c'mon, give us your picks. It's all just 'if you had to'. So tell me, if you had to, who do you marry?"

Black Hat rolled his eye. "Very well. Dark Phantom will be beheaded. I suppose given Bonnivet's status she's more suitable to be my bride-"

"THAT LITTLE HUSSY!" Demencia leapt up with her axe, only to be restrained by vantablack tendrils. "LET ME AT HER! LET ME AT HER!"

"And that leaves Poker Face. Who is...acceptable."

"I'LL KILL HERRRRR!"

"Flug, your turn."

"Oh, uh, yes, sir. Ummm...OOh! Ok! How about Penumbra, Flammé, or Mother Poltergeist?"

"MOTHER POLTERGEIST!?" Demencia yelled. "Flug, she's like 100 years old! And dead! You wanna bone a hundred-year-old ghost mama!?"

"What!? No!"

"How would we even kill Mother Poltergeist?! Do we double kill her? Do we, like, have an exorcism done?"

"Huh, yeah. I didn't think of that. Can you even have sex with a ghost?"

"Maybe you can't." Black Hat said.

"Blacky do not tell me you'd pick that wrinkly old dead hag as your wife!"

"No, no I wouldn't. Although I'm not sure if marrying a ghost is actually possible with that whole 'till death do us part' bit."

"That was a thing in Corpse Bride."

"So would the service have to include suicide on your part?"

"Like in Corpse Bride?"

"I'm not committing suicide!"

"Oh thank god."

"So then, sir, who do you choose as your wife?"

Black Hat took a deep breath in as if he really didn't want to say this. "Given the options...I would marry Penumbra."

"You WHAT!?" Demencia screeched, going red in the face.

"Well, I'm certainly not marrying Flammé. He can die."

"HOW COULD YOU MARRY THAT PALE-FACED, BALD-HEADED, SUN-FEARING, THIN-LIPPED, POORLY-DRESSED, EGG-HEADED LOSER!? SHE COULDN'T EVEN DEFEAT HER OWN NEMESIS WITHOUT HELP!"

"I'm not actually marrying her you, braindead miscreant! It's purely a hypothetical question!"

"Uh, sir?" Dr. Flug spoke up. "If you would marry Penumbra and kill Flammé, then the only one left to, errr, take to bed, would be..."

Black Hat sighed. "Yes, I would take Mother Poltergeist to bed with me. Are you happy now?"

Dr. Flug and Demencia both shook their heads, too mindblown to speak so soon after that little bit of information. Dr. Flug had the sudden thought of Black Hat likes MILFs, and immediately made a mental note to pour some bleach on his head to clean that sentence from his mind. And maybe drip some holy water into his eyes.

"Demencia, say yours."

"I would marry Black Hat, be ravaged by Black Hat, and then cut off his head for cheating on me with a dead woman!"

"Demencia, we all know you'd never do that."

"Try me, handsome."

"Demencia, your picks. For real this time."

"Oh fine, you stupid Bag-Head! I'd marry Flammé, kill Penumbra, and try getting it on with the ghost-hag. But she doesn't even have legs, I don't think!"

"Flug, say yours so we can end this game."

"Well, I suppose I wouldn't mind spending a night with Penumbra too much. I'd marry Mother Poltergeist and I guess I have to kill Flammé, since he's the only one left."

"Great. Well, it's been fun, but it's getting late and we all have an early start tomorrow. Good night you insufferable-"

"Hold on just a second, my master," Demencia said, worming out of her restraints. "I haven't gone yet."

"You can go first next time."

"Yeah, sure, next time. Good night."

"It'll be quick, I swear. Just one last round and I'll go to my room nice and easy. I won't put up a fight or anything. Promise." She held out her pinky to emphasize her promise.

Dr. Flug looked to Black Hat. On the one hand, Demencia always put up a fight when it came to bedtime. If she was really willing to cooperate, maybe they should indulge her once more. Whoever she picked, it couldn't be any worse than their two previous rounds. She'd probably make herself one of the options, along with two absolutely horrid people, to try and force Black Hat into saying he'd chose her as his wife. Or, at least, his one-time partner.

Black Hat relented. "Fine, last round."

Demencia giggled madly. "This one's just for you, my love. Me, Flug, or the bear. Make your choice!"

"YOU LEAVE MY SON OUT OF THIS!" Dr. Flug screamed. "That is disgusting!"

"The bear dies."

"Sir!"

"I'm not marrying that failed experiment you insist on raising, and I'm definitely not fucking it! Would you rather I did that, Flug? Would you really rather that?!"

"I would rather Demencia not include 5.0.5. as an option!"

"Well too bad! It's my round and I get to decide the choices! If you kill 5.0.5., that leaves the two us! You have to marry either me or Flug!" She grinned triumphantly as if she'd backed Black Hat into a corner and left him no choice but to say he'd marry her.

"But if he married you, he'd have to have sex with me!" Her eyes went wide, realizing what she'd done. "And if he has sex with you, he has to marry me! You didn't think this through at all, did you!?"

"Wait, wait, shit, um, let me try again. Do-over, do-over."

"Absolutely not," Black Hat growled. "You had your chance and you wasted it. I'm not choosing."

"But, but you have to choose! It's the rules! Just say you'd marry me! It's, it's okay if you have to bang the doc, you only have to do it the once! I can forgive once! And we'd be married! We'd be going at it like bunnies!"

"M-Maybe not?" Dr. Flug spoke up. "I mean, you only have to marry one of us. The rules don't say you need to do anything more than that, except stay married and maybe don't kill your spouse. No one says you strictly have to sleep with whoever you marry."

"I say so! I want kids!" Demencia proclaimed, right before a glowing black hand clamped over her mouth.

Black Hat looked at the both of them, his eye darting between them like he was trying to decide which of the horrible choices he was presented with he'd rather go through with. Spend a night with Flug and a lifetime with Demencia as his wife, or share his bed with Demencia and be married to Flug until he died. Flug had to wonder just who Black Hat would rather be married to. He knew this was just a hypothetical "if you had to", but now he was invested.

Black Hat rubbed the space in between his eyes. "If...I absolutely had to bed one of you and wed the other...I would-"

The phone rang, crawling its way across the desk to Black Hat. He picked it up, "Black Hat organization, Lord Black Hat speaking. Yes. Yes. I see. Very well." He hung up. "Well, you three have a job. Immediately."

"Immediately?"

"Immediately. I won't allow you to besmirch my good name with a poor presentation so you will be flying to the middle of nowhere at once."

"Uh, boss, usually when people say the middle of nowhere, they don't mean an actual place."

"Nowhere, Kansas. It's right there," Black Hat pulled out a map of the United States and pointed the state. "Now go, right now."

"But you never-"

"GO. NOW!"

"Alright alright, we're going!" Demencia and Flug ran out as fast as their legs would carry them.

"So, who do you think he'd marry?" Demencia asked while they were running. She usually left him in the dust but was keeping pace to talk.

"I, uh..." Dr. Flug panted heavily. "I don't know. Maybe he'd marry me, and just not sleep with me?"

"He better not marry you!"

"But then he'd have to sleep with you, at least once."

"Yeah, but...shut up!"

"What, what about you?"

"What?"

"If you could marry Black Hat, but you had to sleep with me, would you do it?"

"Ewwww!" She ran ahead, crawling along the walls and ceiling. "Never say anything like that again!"

Heh. So she wouldn't pick either. Dr. Flug guessed that meant they had a bit of an open-ended game. That would most likely never end as no one would ever say what they'd go through with.

Not even Dr. Flug.